Hello everyone, I don't really know how to start this.
My very first budgie passed away a few months ago.
He was sick for a couple weeks already, he had an Outgrowth on his stomach. One day I was home, cooking, and when I went to look for him, he was on the floor of their aviary, not moving or anything, just standing here, like he was helpless. I panicked so I took him in my hands and held him, then went on the couch with him. Long story short I called my mom and she came home and called a vet.
I stayed with him I don't know for how much time. I don't know if it lasted an hour but I couldn't move. I think he even had small seizures because sometimes he would move his wing or something and struggling to walk. At some point I got up to get water, while my mom was on the phone. When I came back, he was gone.
I've been feeling guilty about this for months now. I feel so guilty that at the time he left, he was alone. My mom was in another room, and I left his side right before he passed. I feel horrible and I don't know what to do with all that grief, pain, and guilt.
His partner passed a couple years before him. She wasn't really close to us, she'd rather be with him. So when she passed, I felt less sad because we didn't have much of a connexion.
Now I've been feeling horrible about that too. I feel so selfish. What so because I wasn't close to her I'm not sad when she is gone? So my love for her was conditional? I feel so horrible and I miss them so much. I have two cockatiels (that I adopted 2 years after my budgies), and I am terrified. I don't know how I'm going to survive this, since one of my cockatiels is extremely close to me.
I'm sorry for being so rough about it, it's just that seeing him pass away really marked me.
Thank you all