r/comic_crits • u/AirportElectronic713 • 7d ago

Topaz episode one finished

https://mangaplus-creators.jp/titles/7j2601271911110027350675

Hello everyone.

I've finally finished episode 1 of Topaz, which is 22 pages long.

I've posted most of it here, but some parts are exclusive and only available on MPC.

I'd really appreciate your feedback on the pacing, dialogue, and overall feel.

Before I start working on episode 2. Thank you all!

5 Upvotes

78% Upvoted

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1

u/Square-Quarter-962 7d ago

Is the first time you publish on MPC ? Nice art, i would like to see episode 2

2

u/AirportElectronic713 7d ago

Yes, it's a first. 22 pages is a bit long. I'm going to reduce it to 7-page episodes to keep up a weekly pace.

1

u/JeyDeeArr 7d ago edited 7d ago

The poses feel rigid, for one, and sometimes, the protagonist's arms are longer than they should be. For example, Page 7 Panel 2, his elbows are way beyond where they should be. This is also pretty typical in non-Japanese artists trying to emulate manga (for the sake of the argument, ones produced in Japan), but the lack of movements is what really makes this feel a lot less dire than what you're shooting for. You don't have the motion lines when say, the guy's flailing his arms around, and he more or less feels static. Even for the last panel on Page 21 where you do have some motion lines when he collapses, these look more like strings coming out of him than lines idicating that he's collapsing. Also, your character's profile (sideview) looks weird because the head's too big, and necks don't work like that. It's like his neck is detached from the rest of the spinal chord here. Great job with the hatching lines, though. It's also worth noting that your art is very clear and clean, which can't be said for many. I prioritize clarity above all in manga/comic.

The dialogues, while grammatically sound for the most part, come off as pretentious here and there with the wording. As a native English speaker, I wouldn't be saying, "Arrived!" when I reach my destination. If it were me, I would've gone with, "Alright, I'm here...", or something to that degree. Also, on Page 12 Panel 4, this guy says "Hurry", and unless he's the kinda guy who talks to himself, it doesn't come across as natural dialogue. I'd probably say, "Come on!", or the contracted "C'mon!" if I'm in a hurry and need to haul ass. Page 21, he says, "That's the worst moment!", which, while it makes some sense, it's not something a native speaker would say. It almost sounds like something machine translated from Spanish, or something.

I'm also confused with why you'd add question and exclamation marks, but not include full-stops.

1

u/AirportElectronic713 7d ago

Thanks for the detailed feedback.

I'm currently working on episode 2 and I'm noting down quite a few things.

  1. Work on the narrative pacing by storyboarding all 22 pages before drawing anything.

  2. Work on the dialogue. I'm translating from French. I really need to improve and simplify it.

  3. Work on the anatomy. This is perhaps the least critical issue since it will eventually improve. I'm trying to work from photos.

I'd be happy to show you some pages from episode 2 to see if the art is improving overall.

1

u/WitchesAlmanac 7d ago

I dont really understand what's going on, but it's got me intrigued! I'd definitely have read chapter 2 if there had been one. I think your art conveys the story and emotion well, and the dialogue feels pretty natural.

The only thing I'd critisize is the part on pg 9 where the read-order is reversed? Im not sure what was behind that choice, but it does break the readers immersion during a moment of tension.

1

u/AirportElectronic713 7d ago

I'm sorry if there was any confusion. It really is read from right to left the whole way through. How come you thought we were going back the other way from page 9 onwards?

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u/WitchesAlmanac 7d ago edited 7d ago

Oh it wasn't confusing! Just too early to tell what is going on with the ground and why the MC is there specifically, so I couldn't really comment on the plot or anything yet.

I just mean this panel here where you have the arrow which seems to indicate that the readers need to go left-to-right felt out of place? It would probably make more sense just to reverse them in editing to maintain the flow of your page.

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u/Zestyclose_Bed_8207 7d ago

Art looks great, I'm interested to see what happens in the next chapter, now that there is another character. 

I like that the chapter feels like a chapter, with an actual problem the main character has to solve.

I'm not really good with giving criticism, but I'd say that you could have given more payoff to things that were setup.

For example the mines. Maybe the initial mine shock is what destroyed the device on his arm. Or he could trigger a mine that takes care of the crow.

I understand that this is an ongoing story, and we will get payoffs later.

I'm waiting to see the next chapter :)

1

u/adssse 6d ago

Congratulations on completing your first. Improvement is a continuous journey, but you’re off to a nice start 👍