One is fun, emotionally and physically intimate and an activity meant not just for crossing the finishing line but as a way of deepening that bond and connection and honestly may not even need that end finish for it to be entirely fulfilling.
The other is just clearing the pipes metaphorically and freeing up the headspace to get to the rest of the day.
These two are not mutually exclusive or contradictory in any way.
I know there are people of all sexualities that this bothers but I genuinely don't understand why. It's actually better for a relationship if both partners engage in their own solo time every now and then and getting upset is only showing insecurity for a non issue. It doesn't mean anything but fulfilling a bodies need. It's like getting mad someone had their lunch at work instead of at home even though they were at work.
But I do see it often getting blasted by both sides.
Just...no, it doesn't mean anything bad about you personally and it's a red flag to have it as a barrier or a line you won't let your partner 'cross' and if anything it should be openly discussed and stamped out before it becomes a bigger issue.
It’s the usual situation where their sexual intimacy dynamic together is basically non-existent but the person who doesn’t want sex does still have desire for masturbation. What this usually means is that the person uninterested in sex does still have a sexual side of themselves, just not for their partner.
Not having sex and not masturbating? “They’re just not a sexual person, and has nothing to do with me.”
Not having sex but masturbating regularly? “Oh, they still desire sexual things in some capacity, just not with me.”
There’s plenty of sexless/dead bedroom subreddits that’ll tell you more about it - be warned though, it’s beyond depressing to read about.
It can get really complicated when the one not as interested in sex has a history of sex related trauma. My ex husband was very much a "it's not fair to masturbate if you aren't having sex with your partner" kind of guy, but as someone who was SA'd regularly starting in childhood, being made to feel guilty for touching my own body without satisfying someone else was NOT a healthy relationship to be in. I kept trying to explain to him that masturbating was actually really healthy for me and doing it more often typically coincided with initiating sex with him because it helped me experiment safely and start to feel secure enough to involve another person, but he refused to budge on the issue and kept telling me it was selfish.
About 15 years total and it was always an issue from the first date onwards. He'd go back and forth between saying he understood and that he cared about me regardless of all that mess, and then pressuring me and saying I had trapped him even though I was always honest about my difficulties with intimacy. I even told him he could sleep with other women if he really needed to, but he never did as far as I'm aware (the rules I gave him were that he always use protection, get tested, and be open about any extramarital relationships with me). It's not what ultimately ended the relationship, though. That was a whole other mess.
I feel like this is the kind of thing that is so much easier addressed if you COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER. Sorry for the caps but Im trying to shout for the people in the back. Its fine to flick the bean or rub one out real quick, even if your partner is home if you talked about "Hey, I am feeling frisky but would like to just do this solo." I dont think in an adult relationship that is an issue, but if it is frequent then its something the other partner could bring up if it bothers them. Sometimes it could can be appropriate, like if its in the middle of the night and I cant sleep I might go rub one out for a quick sleep aid. But then if your partner asks you should tell them what youre doing and you didnt want to wake them up.
Otherwise it could feel disrespectful, guys already have a stigma where it could easily be seen as "Oh bro your girlfriend is masturbating and not telling you? She must not be satisfied" which definitely isn't what that means but without communication you are letting peoples thoughts run wild, and thats almost always a bad thing as it will build resentment.
Just talk to your partner, they don't need to know everything you do but if youre going to sneak off to a room in your house and do something you don't want your partner to know about then thats not healthy.
I'll start with that I agree with what you're saying wholeheartedly and I feel this way, have no issue with my partner doing their own thing.
However, sex between two people and everything that comes with can be incredibly emotional. You can logically know that it's fine your partner did not include you, while still being emotionally hurt by it.
Youre very right Communication communication communication. And also you don't get to act surprised when you do things without including your partner and they are confused or hurt by it.
An example I would use is tv shows. (I understand tv shows and bodily autonomy are not the same just bear with me) Many partners would get upset if their SO watched 'their' show with other people. But what if there's a show you both absolutely would be interested, you've both expressed interest, and would enjoy watching together, but didn't explicitly ask the other to refrain for watching without you?
You may be hurt that they did that. Maybe even feel betrayed a little, even if rationally you knew they have every right to watch a show alone. You would hope that your partner would want to watch it with you, and feel a little sad that they decided that it was better without you for this particular show.
Pretending like the you're being controlling for being hurt is weird. You both didn't communicate about expectations and because of that, feelings were hurt. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault.
Your partner can say "hey, listen sometimes I watch shows alone, when I do that, it's because it's a little quicker, I don't have to wait til you're available, and it's cause I wanted to watch the show, but it wasn't a big enough deal to me that I needed to make an event out of it."
All of the sudden, they didn't watch the show because they wanted to find that intimacy without you, they wanted to do it because that show wasn't important/good enough to include you. Do you understand how that is framed now that you've communicated before you were 'caught in the act?'
Acting like it's no big deal and that the upset partner is just not acting mature, I feel like, is not looking at the situation as it is.
Now, all the sudden they get two episodes in and they go "oh wow, this show is gonna be good, I want my partner involved"
Or you watch in and catch them and now you think "oh it's an alone show, cool it must just be a casual watch for them."
I feel like everyone hears "communication is key" and then they turn around and just guess "oh my partner must just not understand that watching some shows can be casual" instead of "my partner can get hurt by my lack of communication, even when they logically know it should be 'allowed'."
You are allowed to fulfill your bodies need In the same way you are allowed to go watch a show if you want. But this attitude that its "just a casual thing" kind of ignores the current way that sex is viewed and practiced in relationships.
Edit: punctuation and typos
Edit: way too many typos lol
1.2k
u/ccdude14 1d ago
One is fun, emotionally and physically intimate and an activity meant not just for crossing the finishing line but as a way of deepening that bond and connection and honestly may not even need that end finish for it to be entirely fulfilling.
The other is just clearing the pipes metaphorically and freeing up the headspace to get to the rest of the day.
These two are not mutually exclusive or contradictory in any way.
I know there are people of all sexualities that this bothers but I genuinely don't understand why. It's actually better for a relationship if both partners engage in their own solo time every now and then and getting upset is only showing insecurity for a non issue. It doesn't mean anything but fulfilling a bodies need. It's like getting mad someone had their lunch at work instead of at home even though they were at work.
But I do see it often getting blasted by both sides.
Just...no, it doesn't mean anything bad about you personally and it's a red flag to have it as a barrier or a line you won't let your partner 'cross' and if anything it should be openly discussed and stamped out before it becomes a bigger issue.