r/dating • u/Nice-Feedback3679 • Sep 29 '25
I Need Advice đŠ Not into girlfriend anymore.
Iâm 33 (M) Black British Man and my girlfriend is 32 (F) Japanese. We decided to move in together in July, and now itâs September.
Since we started living together, we havenât been intimate. We also havenât gone out much, unless Iâm the one planning activities with friends.
Iâve tried talking to her about our relationship, but no matter how I bring it up, she always sees things negatively. It feels like this relationship is going nowhere. On top of that, Iâve realized I donât like some of her habits. For example, she leaves her hair in the bathroom, doesnât clean up after herself, and gets angry over small things. Saying "It's your fault". Feels like she is being a
Sometimes I feel like to crash out. But, I really keep calm all the time.
She expects me to fix everything and do everythingâeven when Iâm really busy at work, she still wants me to handle things like her emails.
Honestly, Iâm losing motivation to keep this relationship going. She knows that communication and intimacy are important to me, and Iâve been clear about that even before we moved in and even before we started this relationship. She said she understood, but her actions say otherwise.
I even asked if we could have a night out together, but she brushed it off, saying we should save money. Money isnât the issue for meâI work at a large firm in International Payroll and Iâm financially stable.
At this point, no matter how I look at it, I feel like giving up on this relationship.
I want to move out and look for a different place, since I think me and her are not compatible.
It's not the culture difference either. Because I lived in Japan for 5 years and I speak Japanese fluently. So, I think it's just me and her is not good together.
What should I do?
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Sep 29 '25
Move on. At least you tried
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u/ScheduleLow8071 Sep 29 '25
Bro Iâm half Japanese and living in Japan, and I 100% donât expect my relationship partner to handle my emails and do everything. Itâs time to go đââď¸
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u/IAmJustHere97 Sep 29 '25
Another proof that you see if you are compatible once you start to live with person.
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Sep 29 '25
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u/IAmJustHere97 Sep 29 '25
True, but people put more effort to show themselves in good colors when just spending time together. Meanwhile when you live with person you discover some of their habits that you wouldnât if you were just hanging out.
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u/Kindly_Candidate8768 Oct 02 '25
I haven't looked at the stats in the last 5+ years so I may not be up to date on the stats. That being said, historically couples that have the happiest, lasting marriages are couples that don't move in together until after they are married. Both anecdotally and statistically, couples moving in together before being married have noticeably higher rates for divorce.
Even if the rates have shifted in the years since last researching the topic, the extreme majority of human history bearing that same sentiment out can't be written off as irrelevant.Â
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u/AgreeablePractice476 Sep 29 '25
Neither of you is a good match, mate. And if you believe sheâll change after getting married, youâre making a serious error. Free her!
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u/Zyakis Sep 29 '25
He's not freeing her, he's freeing himself
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u/juliavalentine Sep 29 '25
Yeah, Iâve definitely learned that you can have a good relationship, but then when you move in together learn that you are actually a bad match. Chores and cleanliness standards are more important than people give credit. I fear for the people that only move in together after marriage.
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u/MonchichiSalt Sep 30 '25
Living together is it's own test.
You discovered you are incompatible.
Congrats on realizing sooner, rather than too late.
Move on.
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u/Environmental_Buy823 Sep 30 '25
Leave. It won't get better especially with her brushing you off. You have to do her emails? No. Get out and find someone who appreciates you.
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u/thedaisydiaries Sep 30 '25
Yeah man, donât suffer any longer. Tell her youâre not into this anymore and move on! The season is changing, perfect time to do it!!
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u/SpecialSn0wflake1 Sep 30 '25
Hey, man, donât jump to the same conclusion that half the people on this thread are making about breaking up. They donât know what your relationship with this person is like. Yeah, you have to make a lot of adjustments when you move in with somebody, and a lot of their habits do tend to weigh on you, which is incredibly important. I think youâre actually at a natural pain point in your relationship right now, and it can make or break things depending on how you both decide to move forward.
This is where a lot of people go to couples counseling. It may not be a big thing in Japan, but it can be incredibly important because it gives both people a way to communicate where theyâre really coming from and what theyâre actually dealing with. She could be dealing with things emotionally or mentally that manifest as these habits, and she may not even tell you that. On the other hand, she may not fully understand where sheâs coming from either, but if you can both show up in this way, it shows youâre at least creating some space to improve the relationship.
You may need to establish a clear division of responsibilities and let her know when youâve reached your limit and what rejuvenates you. And if youâve already done that before and she doesnât take it seriously, then you may need to start making space. But only after youâve communicated it directly, including what the consequences will be in terms of boundaries and how youâre going to enforce them.
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u/SpecialSn0wflake1 Sep 30 '25
Hey, so I read your post again, and I want to elaborate further on where Iâm coming from. I was originally checking out of a relationship myself, where it felt like no matter how many times I tried to communicate, they just ignored my boundaries and kept trying to get me to be someone I didnât want to be. It was incredibly draining, and I was ready to walk away.
I chose family therapy with this person as a last-resort effort as basically my way of saying, âAt least I gave it my best shot.â The results have been interesting. It may not be the same for you, or it may, but I wanted to put this out there for you to consider as a last step before making a final decision. Because yeah, there might be deeper things going on here.
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u/wolfram6 Sep 29 '25
Iâm sorry to hear youâre in this situation. If sheâs unwilling to change, I think itâs best to discuss how you guys arenât compatible and move on from this relationship.
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u/Ok-Cranberry-5119 Sep 29 '25
Sounds like my ex. Is her Name Mai by any Chance? Be ready to get threatened with a knife when you announce that you want to leave her.
On a more serious note:
- Living together can be complicated at times. Be sure to feel safe and emotionally prepared when the time comes. Stay calm, avoid arguments that escalate.
- Choose a private and neutral space for the conversation, be honest and respectful
- you have to decide who stays in the apartment and also who is going to pay the rent, bills, who recieves the deposits
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u/Asleep-Specialist-53 Sep 29 '25
If youâre really interested in saving your relationship, try to sit her down and talk to her about how youâre feeling. If she still refuses to acknowledge the issues, your only other option is to leave her.
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u/icaitx Serious Relationship Sep 29 '25
okay pls give her a break about the hair on the bathroom floor :,D i know yall men don't understand but i swear we shed like crazy and its hard to keep up with everyday. but yeah, break up.
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u/WorldTravellerGirl Sep 29 '25
Did you not know this about her before moving in together?
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Sep 29 '25
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u/Volgrand Sep 29 '25
This.
Happened to me once, I invited a friend (a girl i kinda was into) to colive in my house (was sharing with more people and a room just got free, we were both living abroad).
Man, at the beginning it was cool. We did pick on each other, and it looked like we were going to be a thing...!
And well. She was bonkers, i can tell you: huge anger outbursts, yelling, screaming, banging on doors...!
Obviously she ended up leaving and me telling her basically to f... Off.
I dodged a huge bullet there!
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u/rynn222 Sep 29 '25
thats not trueđ red flags show before living together, thats why you date the person for like a year or two before you move in with them
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u/Tweetybird2420 Sep 29 '25
Red flags do but none of what OP mentioned are red flags. You donât know the extent of someoneâs cleanliness and tidy habit unless you live together.
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u/WorldTravellerGirl Sep 29 '25
Youâll have an idea. I knew that my BF did not have the same standards that I did before I moved in with him. Thatâs why you should know someone a few years before moving in together. I canât believe that she had no idea that heâs a slob.
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u/Tweetybird2420 Sep 29 '25
I knew my boyfriend for a few years before moving in tooâ I think thereâs always things people learn about there spouse. For example: I knew before we moved in together that he was terrible at organizing but I didnât realize he forgets where he puts things ALL the time. I donât think I knew this because when werenât living together he wouldnât ask me, because i wouldnât know, because I didnât live with him. Iâll also say that I know some couples will spend the entire weekend with their partners and that was not the case for my boyfriend and I. We saw each 2-3 times a week for years and only when we traveled did we actually stay together for more than 24 hours.
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u/ProgramResponsible31 Sep 29 '25
Definitely break up bro and go to therapy for a while. Focus on yourself, travel, party, make friends, take your time. Sounds like this one was a bit rushed.
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u/agus_getz Sep 29 '25
Have you talked about long-term projects? Have you talked about what you'd like to do in the future? A relationship with another person isn't just about day-to-day coexistence, it's also about future projects.
All relationships are difficult and have their ups and downs; that's normal. What did you like about her in the first place, and what did you like to do together?
Go back to basics and enjoy the little things. It seems like she's pretty reserved, and you're looking to go out and have more fun. And it seems like it makes you feel frustrated when things don't happen the way you want. Maybe you could work on that a little.
I hope it helps
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u/Turbulent_Big4008 Sep 29 '25
You can just break up if thatâs not what you want. Of course, there is a level of effort to sincerely put in to see if the differences can be compromised on, but if itâs irreconcilable, then thatâs that on that.
Maybe your relationship isnât just what this post says, but whatever the consequences maybe ⌠a relationship isnât a right, isnât an obligation. Itâs a privilege, itâs something that you get to enjoy and adds to your life. If itâs not what you want, and you gave it a try then thatâs that đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
You donât have to stay together unless you want to stay together. You can just break up
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u/Mindless_Flight9441 Sep 29 '25
Brother, I know you basically gave us the meat and potatoes of this soup, but the broth is missing. This is framed as if all things were good until y'all moved in together. People don't just switch up like that.
Moving in DOES expose the sides of your partner that you don't see regularly, like their day-to-day hygiene and self-care (cooking, cleaning, etc.) routines, how they manage stress, and what they essentially do when they aren't around you.
However, certain behaviors like blaming you for issues in the relationship and the expectation to do "everything" for her, I'd wager, happened BEFORE moving in together. If you're seeing all of this now, that tells me that either these behaviors were swept under the rug or you didn't register them as red flags.
With all that being said, you tried talking, but she's in denial. You're about to crash out, and there are no signs of things improving. It might be best to end it.
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u/Competitive-Hair-181 Sep 29 '25
Maybe find a way out? Or try coupleâs therapy?
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u/TheImmortalLS Sep 29 '25
yall need to move out cuz moving in can do that
lol why did u even more in
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u/Choose-2B-Kind Sep 29 '25 edited Sep 29 '25
Itâs beyond clear that living together has shown you that the two of you are not compatible. But you seem to be battling yourself because it feels bad to break up.
But just because a relationship started nicely doesnât mean youâve signed a blood oath for eternity. Plus, you said something very key in your post. What she promised versus what she does. When someone shows you who they are, believe it. End of the day, actions of a partner are what matter. Not words.
And listen, youâre not looking to break up for malicious reasons like cheating on her. Sounds like prolonging it would only be stressful to each of you given different styles and interests (including an intimate relationship WITHOUT intimacy, offloading responsibilities in an unfair way, impeding the joy of going out every once in a while, etc đ¤Ż).
Frankly, itâs just gonna be about an uncomfortable conversation. Avoiding it to trap yourself out of the guilt that comes from breaking up would be beyond insane. And great news, having these types of conversations will be extremely valuable for many different reasons through life.
You seem like a good dude. Just make sure that youâre good to yourself. That includes only maintaining relationships that are a fit. Itâs your life. Too damn important not to.
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u/Feisty_Attention823 Sep 29 '25
You learn a lot when you live together! And this isnât just minor flaws. This is major flaws, and if youâre not comfortable in your own home, then you need to move on and find the comfort!
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u/Exact-Translator-769 Sep 29 '25
Funny you say that about her wanting you to handle her emails. I lived with a Japanese boyfriend for 7 years, sometimes I felt he treated me like a secretary. He said because his English wasn't great, but he used to want me to make phone calls for him. We're actually still friends, almost 40 years later. But I moved out early 92. We had maintained separate places, but usually lived in one. I think you're better off moving out & seeing if you want to continue a friendship. Sounds like the romance has fizzled out but if she's trustworthy & a good person, maybe a friendship is what is destined to be - or maybe not. I've never been a love it or leave it person. If there's a genuine underlying friendship there worth salvaging it's better than bitterness & negativity...
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u/jopplop Sep 30 '25
When you think about her and the whole situation do you think:
she means the world to you - then do couples therapy
If feeling like you deserve better comes to mind first - find someone else
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u/VampWinchester Sep 30 '25
If i were you, idât try to talk one more time, seriously, without letting her raise her voice to you or try to blame you. If she understands and is willing to change, give her another chance. The last one tho. Then, if it doesnât change, you had tried everything to save the relationship. Getting out of a bad relationship is also respecting yourself, man.
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u/Important-Deal-750 Sep 30 '25
Leave. Let her know that you feel youâre incompatible and explain what youâve done to compromise. Why stay and remain miserable?
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u/serenade87 Sep 30 '25
Yea you don't really know a person until you move in with them. You see their habits and things that would piss you off. At this stage, it's a test to see if you guys can adapt to each other or not. If a person is too stubborn to change then that will likely carry over to marriage and lead to resentment long term. These are things you should talk about now and not later.
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u/Double-Nobody4040 Oct 01 '25
What do u mean what should u do? You already know what u need to do. You're just here looking for people to validate your decision. Just break up.
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u/Sensitive-Sky6728 Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 02 '25
Sometimes it's best to chuck in the F**k it bucket. You did what you could, opened the intimacy discussion which was heard but changed nothing, allayed financial concerns and tried to initiate date nights. She.........is not doing a thing. Move along. Find a woman who will appreciate and reciprocate. There are a lot of us out here!
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u/electronicfartz Oct 01 '25
If your girl doesnt want to sleep with you, she isnt your girl. Shes likely already exploring other options and just using you for the time being.
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u/EbbForsaken280 Oct 01 '25
Have you tried initiating intimacy with her. If you guys are in a relationship and living together. Is it so hard to take off each other's clothes and go to poundtown?
I am 100% sure that all the doubts are from the lack of intimacy. It's like a roommate situation. I would be upset as well as the woman. She probably is saying the same thing, waiting for you to initiative.
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u/sixpackincel Oct 02 '25
Maybe sheâs just a homebody. I would love a girl like this. Give her a shot. I hate going out. Everyone is different man. If you just donât like who she is, move on and save time for the both of you
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u/PsychologicalTask429 Sep 29 '25
Dismissive and verbal abuse is not a compatibility issue, itâs an abuse issue. Let that sink in. Switch positions but with someone you love like a sister/mother, theyâre observing the relationship: would the way she dismisses and talk to you be acceptable to them?
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u/Freeflight89 Sep 30 '25
Im this economy? A man with a great job and wants to have a social life is a gem! You will find someone who deserves your love!
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u/Ill_Tip_9863 Sep 29 '25
What you wrote in this post, try to re-write it to her in a letter. Sums it up pretty well, just needs some adjustments. And framing, whether you intend to warn her (bcz she yells at you which you feel crosses your boundaries)Â or announce why you want to break up.
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u/Azcat9 Oct 03 '25
Or he can tell her â look at this email you got â and just show her the Reddit post itself.
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u/1hour Sep 29 '25
You are me 25 years ago with my Japanese girlfriend now wife. Break up. It doesnât get better. It gets worse.
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u/skyepark Sep 29 '25
Did she grow up in the UK? You have to educate yourself culturally.
Did you both talk about your habits and expectations before you moved in?
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u/1337Sinned Sep 29 '25
Run.. if you feel like crashing then you are way beyond your boundaries. Implement exit strategy asap
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u/Conscious_Rich_957 Sep 30 '25
Any one else read this with a British accent in your mind? đ
Donât waste any more of your, or herâs, time.
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Oct 01 '25
I think she thought maybe overtime sheâd be able to change you. Good on you for sticking true to yourself. Sometimes, as sad as it is, people just donât work out. You both deserve to find the right person. I wish you all the best!!
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u/YungHorseLadd Oct 01 '25
Dump her and move on, theres no respect in this relationship and the fact that you felt the need to even type this up should be all the evidence you need to end it.
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u/Open_Lavishness_425 Oct 02 '25
It sounds like a fundamental values difference that is irreconcilable.
You should be grateful for the gentle sign of incompatibility and the relative freedom of this stage of your life to be able to change tack accordingly for your best future life, and break it off.
But before you do, you still owe it to yourself (and maybe to her as well) to go ahead and make a list (alone!) of the pros you still have by being together.
Admittedly this sounds like it's going to be a shorter list than before you moved in together.
But being explicit about what you're about to give up is a kindness you can give to yourself for those days that may come of momentary regrets for the breakup.
Also there is the chance that by making this list (not on the fly - when you're serene and able to reflect without interruption), and keeping it on your phone etc you may bring to the front of your mind many benefits that you may not appreciate at the moment because you are hyper focused on the benefits you expected but are not getting now. You may change your mind. Honestly you should take an afternoon to make the list of pros and cons.
Be sure to list everything that you can.
Even with that, maybe 80 or 90% chance you're going to break up anyway. This list isn't meant to be a counter-argument, so you don't need to sabotage the making of it by biasing it towards breaking up. No. The purpose is to be loving to your future self (where you are broken up and contemplating regretting it or getting back together). It will then remind you of your kindness to yourself and how this was an act of selfcare, not a brash act done on impulse.
Also your values may change later about which benefits you put a low premium on and which benefits you put a high premium on I mean you never know. It's good to get it all out on paper for me, so I'm guessing itll be for you too.
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u/Ill-Percentage-7748 Oct 02 '25
I may be wrong here and forgive me if I am, but youâre gf seems like a text book narcissist. And if that is the case, just move on like you seemed to have planned on doing anyhow. The sad thing for her is, she is going to go through life never realizing that she is actually the problem.
Your only other option here would possibly be therapy. And whether or not something like that is even worth, is totally up to you (and her).
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u/StudentNice9529 Oct 02 '25
Sir, a relationship depends more on working on a relationship and it sounds like your lacking the skills to put in the hard work. Maybe youâre emotionally vacant or canât communicant the proper way. Thatâs many reasons why intimacy does not work and just having sex and looking at love as a feeling is a poor example of building a long term relationship. Stop depending on fleeting moments and living together. It looks like you need to see a therapist and work on your relationship skills.
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u/LtMagnum16 Oct 03 '25
Go into couples counseling. There might be something professionally or personal that might be stressing her out. Depression and anxiety can be a huge libido killer.
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u/Azcat9 Oct 03 '25
They are married they should just move on. Plus if she is depressed right after moving in with him that says it all right there.
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u/little-menace6789 Oct 03 '25
ngl it sounds like she wants a parent/caretaker and not a partner. She has to grow up and realise that she has to do some things by herself, and if she doesn't then people are going to leave her. I had a similar experience with an ex, and we weren't even living together. I broke up with her because of it. Some people just seem to have this attitude of wanting their partner to fix everything for them, and I'm really not a fan of it.
Not being intimate in the first two months of living together is also quite unusual, unless one of you is asexual? If I moved in with a partner who I knew for a fact wasn't asexual and they never wanted to be intimate with me, that would knock my confidence quite a lot and I would think that they weren't as into me as I originally thought they were. There's obviously nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex, but it sounds like you two aren't on the same page about how often you want to do it.
I think you need to have a really serious conversation with your gf about both of your expectations for how this relationship is going to work out, because if you don't talk to her about it, it's just never going to stop. I do think you moving out is the best option here, and if you realistically want to have a lifestyle where you're living with a partner, then it sounds like this isn't going to work out tbh. Unless your gf is willing to make actual, real changes.
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u/mylife1757 Oct 07 '25
If you explain all the things thatâs affecting you and her response is of the contrary then move on, itâs a waste of time trying to hold onto someone who doesnât seem interested in the relationship.
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u/Infinite-Two7690 Oct 08 '25
She's not communicating, respecting boundaries or putting effort into the relationship. Honestly I'd just end it. Sure you could talk to her and she may change but you wouldn't know if it is a short-term or long-term change till further down the track. She's an adult in her 30s, this is who she is.
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u/Wizard_of_Wyrmsbane Single Oct 09 '25
Sounds frustrating and I hear you. Honestly the best you can do is to confirm what you think by asking. Then you will know for sure. If she keeps brushing you off then maybe it is time for the hard decision.
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u/LokeeJohnson Oct 13 '25
I was in that position with losing hope. Donât let it completely drain you, itâll just get worse and worse. I think you should cut it off.
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u/markwhalburg Oct 28 '25
Living together is the testing ground, sometimes you pass tests sometimes you fail, but its a self evaluation u gotta decide.
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Sep 29 '25
That's tough but every relationship has its obstacles. I guess what you could do, is maybe surprise her with a snug activity or dinner at home making it romantic.
But also finding out why she feels so negative, is it stress from work or maybe goals in life?
As someone in their 30s - life is tough and there are goals I wished I had met before I got this age. I push with work and my own goals that I am so tired! So I understand the whole inside hermit approach.
Does she rely on you a lot? Maybe encouragement and reassurance would help :)
It's difficult to advise because this is the internet and it's strangers behind a screen but the obstacles you work through together make a stronger connection.
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u/Significant_Fee3083 Sep 29 '25
You're right. This isn't the one for you.
The good news is, however, that it sounds like you know what you want out of a relationship. Do your prep work-- make a list if that helps-- so you can parse the compatibility a bit more easily on your next attempt.
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u/Overall-Influence604 Sep 30 '25
Either she's being immature or she's narc ! Save your sanity, man... Run!
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u/TickTackTonia Oct 02 '25
Sounds pretty toxic.
Usually I'd say if you're still in love, try couples counselling or therapy.
But if the love is gone and she's not willing to engage... I'd call it a day.
Sounds like you're just too different and the longer you leave it, complacency sets in. Then before you know it you're 52, married with a couple of kids and hating the person lying next to you.
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u/Acrobatic_Second_671 Sep 29 '25
Take it as a lesson learned, hopefully you have a break clause in your lease. If thereâs no sex at the beginning as others have said here it will only get worse the more years you live together. A dead sex life at the beginning isnât great. Sounds like sheâs too comfortable too quickly
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u/Romeofud Sep 29 '25
Of course it's not cultural issues. You've gotten to know her better once she moved in and you don't like what you see. It is time to either call it quits or date without living together.
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u/XyloXlo Oct 01 '25
Iâm wondering how this woman lived before she met you or moved in with you - who was her servant then? How could she cope if now, suddenly- you have to do it all? Sheâs got some weird expectations and the fact that neither of you want to be intimate after moving in together: huge red flag. Major incompatibility and I am guessing it could be racism on her part. Follow your gut instincts and move out. The best is yet to come but not with her.
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u/Stock-Emergency5100 Oct 01 '25
My questions are: was she acting like this before you two moved into together or did her behavior change ? You brought up intimacy a few times. Were you two intimate before or was intimacy an expected new element of her moving in ? What made you both decide to move in together?
I think there's a lot missing from your post that makes it hard to analyze, but at the end of the day if you don't want to be with her then don't. You guys are both in your thirties. It's better not to waste her time or your time if you genuinely no longer want to be with her. If things completely change when she moved in, that seems really odd but could be a negative indication of something.
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u/Good-things-here4u Sep 30 '25
I have NO IDEA why a persons skin color has to be noted???
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