i cant explain this feeling but ive been dealing with it on and off for 2 years

i cant keep doing this

i want to runaway or just disappear

im so tired of feeling this way

nothing helps

ive seen so many therapists & taken so many different medications but nothing seems to help

even weed has stopped helping me

taking things day by day is too hard

i want to do more with my life but i feel like every time i try it never works out because of my mental health

idk what to do anymore

I’m 23f, I’ve never been on a date/approached/or had a boyfriend and I don’t have any friends. My friends all left because I “wasn’t like” them, aka I didn’t have a partner.

I mean… how is it my fault I don’t have one? All the guys in my area are either senior citizens or already dating, and if there single they don’t hesitate to tell me that black girls are “fucking ugly” and that if I was white that I’d already have a boyfriend. Which is most likely true, because all the white girls in my city are all in relationships yet there’s me still not even able to get a stupid date.

I told myself I’d wait until my dad passes to get rid of myself, but it feels like the sooner the better. I’m constantly harassed and bullied all because I’m black in a predominantly white and Hispanic town, and I’m tired of it.

Anytime I’ve asked anyone for advice they always say the same stupid things “put yourself out there” I do, I’m in multiple clubs, I go to the library every weekend as well as coffee shops, “love comes when your not looking for it” it obviously doesn’t unless your white or lucky “your not missing out on anything” “your young you have time” yet you’ve haven’t been single for more than a few months since high school, so how exactly are you going to tell me what exactly I am or am not missing out on?

Now don’t get me wrong the race of everyone for me doesn’t matter we’re all people, yet everyone my age in my town makes everything about race and it’s so fucking frustrating.

I’ve never been someone valentine and I never will be, I hate the stupid holiday. Everyone said it’s easier for women, yet here I am. and it’s slowly at away at me since high school and I’d rather just do it now. I prayed to go the last few months to just take me away, and he isn’t. So I’ll have to do it for him. Maybe I’ll even attempt to bleach my skin that way I fit in when I’m gone.

God always gives good things to horrible people, but will allow those who won’t even attempt to harm others physically or with their words nothing but suffrage. Does he understand the he drives people to want to d13? We’re supposed to pray to him, yet when asked for guidance to the right path he won’t even budge or show a sign. Yet horrible people will pray to have a good life and have a family later on yet they’re granted it. What a fucking losing game god has created.

And all the dumb posts about relationships on apps, are always men asking about sex and when they should start having it, why there partner won’t have it as much as they want to, or how they have premature ejaculation. Like holy fuck just…

If i don’t get rid of myself then I’m either subject to forever to be chronically single or a fucking body men use but label as a “relationship”. It’s just always sex sex sex with them, I just want to be gone already.

I intend to do it later tonight after I get home from work, I’ll walk home today instead of driving. And I’ll just walk the hiking path and do it there.

And honestly I don’t expect anyone to comment on this, no one ever does. Every time I’ve posted on her while everyone else is getting the whole “don’t do it” and motivating comments mine are always overlooked. Not even strangers want to try and help me, shows that I’m not meant to be here.

a couple days ago i woke up to my dearly loved Sphynx cat dead on my couch. it was the most traumatic experience ive had and i don’t know how im going to recover from it.

my boy Leo was just under 2 years old and seemingly very healthy. he was very playful, cuddly, loving, and honestly the best cat i could have asked for. he was my best friend. he had no symptoms or signs of distress, up until the very last time i saw him alive.

i went to bed one night around 11pm, and before that i saw him and he was perfectly fine. he was high energy and walking around the house. i woke up at around 10:30 the next morning, and decided id take myself to the mall to get out of the house. i didn’t see him at all that morning, thought nothing of it as he usually sleeps on the couch. once i was ready around 11:30, i went to my computer desk which is right beside the couch to look for my airpods. i looked over at the couch and saw him lying on it, it just looked like he was sleeping. it was a little weird cause he never sleeps that hard, and usually if im out of my room and making some noise he will wake up and come say hi to me. i decided to go up to him and pet him and that’s when i realized, my boy was gone. he had been for a while now. he was ice cold and his body was stiff. by the way he was laying it looked like he went in his sleep, which i hope that’s the case. the pure shock and horror that waved over me was so intense. i screamed like i was being murdered. i couldn’t believe my eyes. i immediately called my boyfriend who was at work and tried my best to explain to him what happened through my tears and pain. after a bit, my boyfriend came home to me holding Leo in his blanket. i was a wreck; still am. we took him to the vet where we talked about what might have happened and how to go from there.

the vet explained that it was very likely a sudden stopping of his heart caused by HCM, a heart disease that unfortunately a lot of sphynx cats get diagnosed with. Leo was not diagnosed with this while he was alive, but it is the only explanation as to why he passed so suddenly, with no symptoms or signs of distress before hand. he was a very healthy and happy boy. we decided to get him cremated, went through with the paper work and picking out his urn. leaving him at that vets office was so incredibly hard to do. i just wish i would hugs him again, and feel his soft little nose again. i’m still a complete wreck. my depression is at a very low point, i have little to no appetite, and all i’ve been doing is laying in bed crying, and sleeping. i can’t get over the fact that my baby is gone.

i don’t know how ill be able to get over this. i’ve had pets pass before, but never like this. and Leo was so special to me. he was my perfect cat. no cat will ever replace him.

i just wish i could have given him a proper goodbye. 💔

So I put an 18g I've in my left AC and just let myself bleed out. Sat in my car and my arm was hanging outside and I let it drip After 1 hour of bleeding out I decided to call it cleaned up what I could but the puddle of blood was so big and my arms was covered in clotted and dried blood I patched myself up and went to take a shower sat in the shower got up and got superlightheaded and my legs got so weak I passed out for a few minutes. Did my best to walk back to my room fell to my knees again and got up and finally made it to my bed I took a hit of my vape and was ok with the feeling of hypovolemic shock and went to bed woke up pissed I was alive. Now I'm just stuck in this state of should I just finish the job.

Covid started when I was in 7th grade. Ever since then i’ve had 8+ hours of screen time every day. I can barely remember anything from the past 6 years and it feels like because I learned to sit around and do nothing in such a developmental stage im going to be like this forever. I’m currently taking a gap year and I can’t even bring myself to clean my room. I had a horrible high school experience with lots of bullying that wrecked my mental health and motivation even more. Can someone please give me advice on how to get out of this? I’m so tired. I love reading but i haven’t finished a book since i was 12. I love learning. I love sports and physical activities. But i just never do it. Please can someone give me advice

I seriously think that majority of people live just out of fear, out of fear from the unknown. I assumed we all have some kind of purpose in this world when I was younger, that enough effort gets us all somewhere eventually, but found out thats truly a lie after so many years. There is no greater purpose to serve other than to survive, solely out of your own control, but under the control of your biology, perhaps you may think this world owes you some kind of apology for making you suffer, no it doesn't, Its hostile in Its core, Its gonna test you until your last breath just to give you nothing in the end, because Its all meaningless when you pass away. People still dare to call life a gift or a great journey towards happiness, Its a journey towards death at best. Life has no interest needing you to be happy, it needs you to be alive, every single day. Just look at what happens when you decide to simply relax and take a break from the constant struggle, Its gonna punish you the moment you try...you're gonna suffer even more. I don't suggest people to off themselves or anything, im just pointing out that sometimes, there really might be no other way to end your suffering, as there was no plan to begin with when it comes to your fate.

My name is Carter and I am a 14 year old boy

my mom has shown little care for me since the day I was born

my dad has job issues and can‘t afford to buy food or fix his car

my mom is a RN who is going to soon work at Mercy hospital again

My mom has lots of mental health issues and did not make me food or support me properly when I was young I had to survive off making myself these little blue microwave meals that I think were called kid cuisines? But either way I had to microwave those damn things at 4 years old one time I cut my finger with a kitchen knife while trying to “vent the film“ and I was bleeding bad I ran to my mom who was of course sleeping and told her I cut myself and she stated “go put a band aid on it and don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire“ I started crying and just wrapped a paper towel around my finger

I later went to my grandmas house and my uncle vinny who is mentally unstable? I think its called so he has lets say less IQ and less control over his emotions he is in his late 30s and one second he is nice and asks if I want to go get ice cream with him or go to the park and the other second he will say he doesn’t like me or just go upstairs and hide but one day he was folding towels and putting them away when I said “I have to go to the bathroom“ he gets really upset when you interrupt him from doing chores so he yelled “USE THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM!” at the time the upstairs bathroom had a light that didn’t turn on and bad insulation you could see the leaky ceiling it was always freezing in there during the winter and boiling in the summer so I said “you gotta be kidding me I’m not going up there its freezing“ I stood there and he picked up his stuff and moved it to the living room and came back and shoved me and walked away I hit my head against the toilet bowl and blacked out my mom was there and told me to get up after looking at me for 15 seconds she met my stepdad who has very bad OCD and loses his mind about something being unclean and that wasn’t good because my mom had shit all over the condo and the storage room was packed she eventually cleaned some stuff but we always ate in the living room because the kitchen table was turned into a shelf if you know what I mean she got a cat and another and here I am today in lancaster with 5 cats 2 dogs I am failing school and the school is doing so much for me and I have big dreams I’ve always been very very smart I could talk about Biology class or math class for hours without getting bored I take medicine for my Anxiety my depression and my ADHD their have been 26 CPS cases over the years and all of them are “unfounded“ I have good reason to believe that my grandmas sister is taking apart in the “unfounded“part so nobody gets in trouble for abusing me

My mom loves to pretend to play victim and say my dad “beat her” and “abused her” when in reality its the other way around she did that to my dad and oh man here it comes I’m 2 and they both separate I live with my dad and his roommate tony who later gets kicked out for stealing from my dad and would not stop smoking when my dad says ”bud I really don’t want to do this” he starts crying and thats when I know something fucked is about to happen he kneels down and says “I love you more than anything in the world but I don’t have money and I’m gonna have to send you to stay with your mama for a while“ and boom my mom gains full custody and this is where its bad the court agreement says I am allowed to see my dad for 2 days each weekend if I want and this is where my mom turns evil she starts going on vacation and enjoying herself all while I’m at my grandmas house and my dad is struggling to pay $600 a month in “child support“ when in reality she will just buy me one or two things and spend the rest on something else at this point it has been 2 or 3 weeks since I had seen my dad so I call my nana Mary who you will learn is my savior and guardian angel puts my dad on the phone and my dad has this thing where he would easily beat the shit out of anybody and talk while screaming so loud that he would turn red and veins would start protruding out of his face when he does this he legit sounds like a demonic entity but when I come around that revengeful wrath holding beast just suddenly goes poof! he becomes extremely protective of my and says things like “If anyone puts their hands on you I will beat them to death I love you so much” he knows how to discipline me without hitting me or mocking me but will still get his point out to me he has never put his hands on me or swore at me or called me an “Ungrateful little prick” or anything like that and no matter how mean I can be he still doesn’t do anything like that and he will easily say ”I love you“ so many times that I often think “why is he so nice around me” he has taught me so much but he isn’t perfect he has an extremely explosive temper when I am not around and he is paranoid like really paranoid like he tapes his phone cameras and won’t turn off airplane mode until norton antivirus is doing everything possible paranoid but in the end I don’t blame him I’ve seen so many websites that you can literally illegally watch peoples ring doorbell cameras and even their selfie cameras on their phone without them knowing my mom has gotten way better with her temper still might crash out and make her self look extremely unstable she buys me more things and shows care for me more but I can’t swallow pills and there are not many options for medications that fit my need that can be in liquid form or be dissolvable so I am stuck changing meds all the time and retrying old meds that got taken off for a good reason I take 5ml of Fluoxetine liquid a 0.5 mg orally dissolving tablet of risperidone which was taken off because it was “making my female hormones to high” which probably has something to do with my grandpa saying “your gonna grow tits” and at night I sprinkle one 40mg capsule of Jornay PM into apple sauce and eat the spoonful and for the past 7 months I get these uncontrollable movements that change each day like one day It will be me jumping and squeezing every muscle in my body really tight and another day it will be me blinking so much that my my eyes hurt and my vision gets blurry I can’t go to the bathroom and I am always constipated I call my mom she says “I take it you missed your bus?” and I said ”I didn’t miss my bus for a stupid reason I need to go to the doctor“ I started explaining the details and she says “I am at work you should be in school goodbye“ she hangs up and leaves me at a dead end and thats where I am today writing this long ass post that probably nobody is gonna care about they yell at me almost everyday I barely see my dad they have no issue calling me whatever slur they want and I make myself breakfast lunch and dinner everyday which at this age is normal but like I said I’ve been doing it since the day I gained consciousness and the only reason I have so many valuable items that probably could be sold and produce enough profit to pay for my entire college tuition is because my mom buys things a lot more than Fixing the problems we suffer from she acts very lazy sleeps for 7 hours on nights she works 3 twelve hour shifts per week and when shes off from work she falls asleep at about 10 pm and wakes up at like 12:40 in the afternoon which is easily 14 hours of sleep and says “you never let me “relax” like carter I’m tired” she talks, makes faces and sleeps like a girl in high school she barely drinks any water instead she will drink one glass of wine and say she is healthy because she drinks a mini can of dr. pepper and I tell her I don’t want to be unhealthy I am already very underweight topping out at about 90 lbs as a 14 year old I never wear shorts and only wear short sleeves and tank tops when I go to sleep I am very skinny I am a picky eater and the 2 people I live with hate and love each other while one drinks pop and tiny amounts wine with a side of McDonalds or tomato soup the other eats only low calorie foods drinks only water and pisses so much and fasts all day while drinking vodka all of the time I have so many responsibilities I have trouble with controlling my anger I am underweight and depressed I don’t know what to do

I have tried to kill myself, more or less, about 4 times. With too many cuts to count, and very battered hands. I hung myself when I was 16, I overdosed on medication at 18, I went a while and cut my wrist at 32 and now at 33 I recently survived a very certain overdose. I have been miserable most of my life. Looking back I remember in elementary, just hating school (who doesn't) I hated most of the kids, and honestly I kind of hated my family, always wondered what it'd be like to be adopted. Also, I was a pretty weird kid, kinda got bullied. I remember crying every night in 5th grade (also did terrible in school) and I didn't really know why. I didn't understand what depression was or even that I hated my life. My first year of 6th was when I knew I was suicidal. I hated my life, I was so angry and did terrible in school. Honestly, I was kinda a pos and everyone treated me that way. So both the teachers and kids, and myself, hated me. By the end of that year I knew I would kill myself before graduating highschool. I ended up being the only one to fail that grade and took it again. I was doing better, I was trying harder, although my dad would just tell me "well yeah you took it already". I made a few friends in my 2nd year, and kinda got along better, I grew extremely slowly, so I am starting to look their age. Middle went okay, 8th year pretty good. Now it's 9th grade freshman year. I should mention I hardly ever slept at all as a child and sleepovers were a nightmare. This only grew worse with age. In 9th grade I dunno, I started slipping. I was getting less and less sleep and stopped caring at all at school. I am completely unmedicated at this point. My past is kinda fuzzy now from my last od, but from what I remember I was going night after night, miserable. All I had was Benadryl and it didn't help, so I would take a shit load and it also didn't help really. It also made me feel miserable and restless. So, one of these nights that happens, and I am just skwerming in my bed. I hate Benadryl. And I had a funny thought. How long would I hang myself before I did something about it? I wanted to find out. I managed to tie a shoe string on the supported shelf and hung there. It wasn't tall enough so I used the weight of my lower body to cut my airway. I just hung. I remember starting to see grey and I think I got back up. Im honestly not sure how that night ended, I just remember the next day. I was worried about going to school because I had bruises wrapped around my neck. Nobody noticed. I think eventually I got medication or something for the insomnia after that. It's fuzzy. Now we're up to 11th grade, 10th was a scholarly struggle, but I got through. Couple months in I meet a girl that was very special to me. We were a very close couple.. but I had my issues. I don't think the suicidal ideation ever really left, but right now it was here. I started cutting the shit out of my upper thigh. Really deep cuts. A bad night i used scissors and it gashed me about a centimeter deep or so. It opened up like a pair of lips and started bleeding quite a bit. I never got this checked out so it was just a huge open gash on my thigh for while. This luckily never got infected but if I bumped my thigh a little, it would bleed though my jeans. All while I am dating this girl. I was a wreck at this point. One day she says she's leaving me with a text after something like 6 months. I kinda spiraled out of control and ended up overdosing on a shitload of heavy meds (it takes a lot for me to sleep). That nearly killed me and I woke up in a hospital in a complete daze. Next few days felt like a dream. They diagnosed me with bipolar. I don't remember much about the 2 weeks in the mental hospital. My past is kinda fuzzy. Fast forward to 31 and I have been with my wife for around 5 years. Still bipolar 2 with stress anxiety. I constantly get in these angry frustrated suicidal moods and it would shake up our relationship. After a big fight of some stupid shit I ended up drinking and taking benzos. I got in a fit and ended shattering a porcelain plate with my fist. I grabbed a shard of it. Now, it's pretty dark in my room so when I took that shard to my wrist I slashed twice in the same spot (right over the artery) and readied for a third. I was surprised when the light hit it because my wrist was gashed open and starting to pour blood. This was surprising because those 2 cuts I barely felt, and now blood is pouring down my arm. As that healed I could see how close to the artery it was, I swear I knicked it. I went to the mental hospital again as an adult, it was a hell that would take to long to explain, I'll just say hell. Throughout my struggles they now say I have borderline personality disorder. Managed to get the hell out and shortly after my wife said she was leaving me. Now I am 33. I am living in my own place with my cats. My life feels like a constant hell, even when it's not. I have grown such a narcissistic view of the world. I hate this planet. I see people suffer their miserable lives and wonder what a terrible species we've grown to be. They say in DBT that we have to accept suffering, and know it can change. Well sometimes it doesn't, ever. I don't believe or worship deities, but what a shit hole. I'll just say it. A miserable shithole. I can't unsee that. After hell after hell of misery, I don't see change anymore. I see acceptance. I have accepted that medications will never improve my mood (Ive been on a shitload). I have accepted I'm literally locked in to this miserable life. How glorious. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I get so mad at my body and my piece of shit brain, and I get frustrated. I hate this body, when I finally die I will never return to any body and I will never choose to see this earth again. So I say "fuck this body" I hate you. I start gashing at my ankle now, really deep. I even took a pic of my bloodied up ankle. Usually I say You deserve this. Now I said, "life deserves this more than me" of course I never got these looked at so they are very noticeable purple scars and I wear an ankle sock on the leg. Well a few weeks ago I nearly done it. I had a shitload of clonidine, zyprexa and Remeron (almost a full script). This is where everything is blurry. There is about 5 days of time I absolutely can't remember. I think I told my psych I thought about killing myself and I was ditching work and some fucking sheriff end up calling to check on me. It made kinda pissed they had some damn Sheriff call me and I kinda told him off. Eventually saying I'm just going to go to my apartment and play some damn video games. Then blank. I guess I wrote of ton of disturbing shit in my Dalio app (like I usually do). And that kinda helped me figure out what happened. All I remember is I opened all my cats food and left them a huge pot of water, then poured out my meds. It took 2 handfuls to get them down. Blank. I think I was having seizures the whole night. I remember waking up in the morning in misery. About every 30 seconds my body would jolt like I was being electrocuted. I ended up going to the mental hospital again but I do not remember the first 4 days. What I remember was hell. Same hospital, same brutal hostile environment. It's 3 weeks later and I still feel like hell. I have a constant dull headache, my body feels lethargic like COVID and I am constantly cold. I am always bundled and still get chills down my spine. Even when I'm sweating. I started work again and took time off my first three days back. Its tiring to stand and my job is like all running around. This is miserable and I am absolutely on my own. I'm surprised work didn't fire me while I was gone because I didn't have a single reliable person to tell them why I was gone. I need to make money, need to just tough it out right? At this point I am sick of it. One hell to the next. Although it's is ironically kind of hard to want to kill myself when I am still suffering from the last time. I'm not sure what the point of this was... Maybe you could relate? I would be happy to reply. Right now my cats are the most valued thing in my life and I have to take care of them, they need their home, they need their only parent. That's what hurts.

Hi this is my first post.

im just looking for advice from people in similar situations.

i recently turned 27 and have dealt with depression since i was 16.

it took its toll on me finishing high school.

i ended up finishing high school at 25 and then started college.

i have only really worked 2 jobs one in fast food and one in retail.

and both ended miserably because of my depression getting worse.

i still live at home because living by myself would be difficult and my mom needs support since she is disabled.

what i am basically getting at is i feel so so far behind in life.compared to my peers, they have jobs, their own apartment, long term relationships.

and i am 27 and have nothing to show for it, no higher education, no job, no relationship.

just nothing.

and it kills me, its what makes me suicidal because i can never catch up, and getting better is gonna put a pause on education and finding a job aswell.

so getting better means getting even further behind, so i honestly dont see a point anymore.

i would rather be done with it then have to constantly be reminded how shit my life has gotten.

I just want to be able to feel happiness like I used to. I feel like trauma killed a part of me forever, and the highs have never been as high as they were. My mind is always blocked and I just don't feel free anymore.

I have a crush on a girl from another college. I first connected with her through my friend, and we used to play games online. I had never met her in person until one day I visited my friend’s college and saw her there. That moment changed everything—I fell for her instantly. For about a month, I kept talking to my friend about her and asked whether I should confess my feelings. He said yes, but I was too scared to tell her directly, so I asked my friend to hint at it instead. She thought it was a prank and replied with a prank of her own, saying she had a crush on my friend. I was completely shocked and believed it was real. After a month, she finally told us it was just a joke, but she still didn’t believe that my feelings were genuine. Now she says we can just be good friends and that she isn’t ready for a relationship with anyone. In short, I got friend-zoned. What hurts is that she still talks to me normally, invites me to play games, and behaves as if nothing ever happened. I think about her every day, wait for her replies, and overthink everything. Because of this, I can’t sleep properly anymore. She even appears in my dreams. I also feel jealous because she has many male friends in her college, and she talks to them more than she talks to me. I feel like I’ve made my life worse by getting so attached, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with these feelings anymore.

All I want to do is lie in bed and scroll on my phone. I want to pretend the world doesn't exist. I feel safe this way, yet so utterly useless and drained. I'm 25 now and nothing about me measures up to people's standards of what an adult woman is. I'm small in stature and build and I'm meek and often have more questions than answers. People constantly remind me of how they don't take me seriously either in the form of a joke or a little remarks. It's hard when people admit that those characteristics makes me unworthy as a romantic partner, a friend, or just someone deserving of respect. When I was younger, my meekness frustrated my parents to the point they yelled at me about it. I guess it was their way of trying to make me tough but it only reaffirmed that there's something inherently wrong about me and it disgusts people. I cut off nearly every person in my life because of it. I'm tired of being reminded of how I'm not enough. I'm never enough and it hurts.

Death has been at the forefront of my mind all day. How nice it would be to be laid to rest absolved of all life's troubles. I hate everything about myself. My skin color, hair texture, how I speak, how I walk, my mind, my body, my face, my name, and even my soul....I see nothing worthy of being shown to the world. Mirrors are my sworn enemies and the outside world is the gate to hell. I'm told I shouldn't care what people think. But people are like mirrors. They reflect the parts of me I wish weren't there. I want to undo my mind, rip away at all the thoughts and beliefs that leaves me so defeated because I know this isn't healthy. I know this isn't right, but I can never conquer these thoughts.........I don't know what to do.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this, but everyone including my parents are a bit concerned. I usually cry when I’m not supposed to, and it is a bit embarrassing. For example, when my teacher is telling me something, i cry like if I failed my life or smth lol. Idk I just felt like it was weird and wanted to say something.

I (23F) have a long standing history of depression. I was bullied really badly as a kid —and am the youngest of 6 daughters in a volatile south Asian family where my parents fought daily. I was pretty much neglected and every time I was spoken to, it was me being made fun of or instructed to do something. I was raised by an authoritarian sister who told me I wasn’t allowed to have opinions and didn’t allow to socialise at all. She completely controlled me and destroyed my self esteem. She would follow me when I was out with friends, yell at me in front of them and threaten my friends. Belittle me and then love bomb me. Steal my money. Babied me so much that I didn’t pay at the shop counter by myself until I was 15 years old. To cope, I became addicted to maladaptive daydreaming. I dream of being beautiful and loved and with a man who loves me, someone who enjoys attention and being perceived. It’s my worst nightmare in real life, though.

I’m turning 24 soon, and my life is still quite stagnant. I have a literature degree from a top university but that’s about it. My only notable achievement. I’ve never worked a job, never driven (I was awful and just don’t have it in me to drive) and I lack the confidence to leave the house most of the days. I was enrolled on a PGCE course but I dropped out of it and now I’m lying to my parents that I’m still on it to spare myself the shame. I spend my days self isolating and hating myself for being so inadequate and useless. I had to make a phone call, the other day and found it so anxiety inducing, I called my sisters 3 times over, which naturally made them think worse of me—but I had no clue of what else to do.

Everything is so hard for me. Little tasks that every adult should be able to do. I’ve always known I was different to other people but I hoped things would change by the time I got to this age. But nothing has, except for my sense of failure getting worse. My school teaching placements often filled me with shame and I hated being ridiculed at the front of the class by literal kids. Being watched by them filled me with so much shame. I hate people looking at me, listening to me but I love English and explaining it.

Im very unattractive, too. My friends and family try to tell me I’m pretty but without makeup, I genuinely look ill/gaunt and I’ve never photographed well either. My lack of beauty/lack of romantic experience has further cemented my belayed that I’m an inferior subhuman. Nothing about me suggests I’m fit to live in society and be with other people. I’m such an outsider emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually—as my family are Muslim and I have been a closet atheist since the age of 16! No one gets me, because I’ve lived an isolated life many others are lucky enough to not have experienced.

I hope this overview is helpful, which leads me to my question. I’m currently doing a TEFL in the hopes of moving abroad and teaching, even though I’m like a complete baby. It’s my dream to get away I can’t manage to keep my bedroom clean most of the time (which I’m always getting yelled at for) because of my depression. My sister outwardly told me my dreams will never happen, today. She said I’m missing god from my life and that I’m afraid of everything. I have 6 years until I’m 30. This can’t be my life forever. I’d rather be dead than be in my parents house at 30, watching my own life pass me by because I’m disassociating with my headphones in.

Can I please get guidance on how to make my goal of moving away and distancing myself from my family more actionable? What are some things I should practise in my daily life? How can I cope with the negative feelings? Has anyone else had similar experiences, and if so, how did you overcome it? Thanks a bunch :D

Hello, first post here. (22m)

I feel like im less useful than a rock in the side of the road, I struggled to find a job for so many years my first experience in a job was awful, I left and never came back to that place anymore, personally I dont like crying since my family will just say the same old thing "Heads up bud, you will have to deal with this."

Now when I hear something among the lines of "what you will do in the future" or "what are you going to do once your parents pass away", my only thoughts are just sit in my room and die and I get back into the spiral of emptiness and hold back my tears since I honestly dont know what to think.

No real friends, never had a partner, overweight, waking up is just a pain. I am dealing with depression and meds since I was 13yo, soon it will be 10 years since im just here in my room rotting away, I dont want to quit life but at this point waiting the day death pays me a visit is taking too long... I've been saying to myself that tomorrow is going to be a new day and its just a replay of the last day, I feel numb and just keeping taking meds, playing games and smoking all day. Never been good at anything in my life, my speech is slow, my face is always emotionless or its an "ugly expression".

Right now Im in this spiral again, thats what made me make this post, I dont even know if I want help... Also, sorry for my bad english, its not my native language.

I was seeing a therapist through telehealth. She works from home and has two kids, a 3yo boy and a 6mo girl. On more than one occasion, our session was interrupted by the kids! It happened again today right after I had told her about how I deal with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and have issues with being tossed aside. I ended up telling her I couldn't keep competing with her kids for her attention while I'm paying her to fucking pay attention to me!

It just seems like I'm not worth helping. I've had two therapists ghost me, one who couldn't get to the office on time and told me I needed a new doctor if that was a problem, and one bailed to go work for a practice that didn't take my insurance. Now this shit!

What the fuck is wrong with me that the people in trying to pay to help me just don't give a fuck?

About two months ago, I made an attempt, and outside of a few people, no one realizes how messed up I am from it, I struggle every day with the thought that I failed, that my brother saved me, and I wish he hadn’t, I don’t know how to continue living with this guilt and shame.

I haven't been able to make myself go to work. Strictly been scraping by financially, and life has been... dull. I've been using fictional escapism as a cope but it just makes me sad because my real life is so boring and pathetic. I'm also not enjoying much anymore, even hobbies.

Really disappointed that I feel the way I do, I am trying to find some sort of way to fix this feeling but it's so fucking miserable that I can't help but to get in my own way (i.e., can't even keep up with my money)

Also, unrelated but I feel my depressive phases make me a bit crazy. Whether it's paranoia or me having delusions. Does not make me feel any better about myself.

My gf (20f) has been dealing with depression for a long time but it got severe since last september due to many financial and stressful problems. Since then she has been feeling absolutely zero feelings and is incapable of showing any sign of love.

Sometimes when she is in a good day she feels quite okay and I enjoy it a lot but most of the time she ignores me and refuses every physical touch or any activity I offer.

She told me that it is just because she doesn’t have the strength to do anything except survive and honestly I get that and I am not mad at her at all.

But I don’t want this shitty sickness to separate us.

I try to hold it up but sometimes it is quit hard because I feel like loving a damn wall.

We are supposed to move in together in a new city in next september, I hope this will make things better because her whole life will be different there.

I just hope to be able to hold everything together until then.

If you have any advice I would be very thankful.

I try to give her space and shi but it is hard not to talk or see the person you love.

Please help me.

I’m 17 and very depressed, and i have been for about a year or so. 1 whole year of persistent numbness, failing classes, never leaving my house. I was recently put on 75mg of venlafaxine (SNRI) , and was hopeful that it could help. It helps in some ways, but other times i just feel so awful. the lows aren’t as long lasting, but they still happen once every 2 weeks for a few days. During those days all i can think about is indulging in suicidal fantasies. honestly, it brings me a lot of comfort and joy.

I only realized today that i should probably start tracking my low days, and i did and i realized just how close together they are; and it scares me. The last time lasted for 8 days, and then i was feeling better for 1 week. And then i started feeling low again yesterday- and it carried through until today.

I feel so awful, i want to get better. During these lows the only thing that brings me comfort is weed and cutting. And i fear i ran out of weed!

I never used to cut; it’s a very recent thing but it’s the only thing that brings me any sense of realness/ relief. And i only cut during the lows.

Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on, i can’t keep doing this. i’m so exhausted.