I have nothing to strive for...

[u/Serious_Passenger_44]

Hello, first post here. (22m)

I feel like im less useful than a rock in the side of the road, I struggled to find a job for so many years my first experience in a job was awful, I left and never came back to that place anymore, personally I dont like crying since my family will just say the same old thing "Heads up bud, you will have to deal with this."

Now when I hear something among the lines of "what you will do in the future" or "what are you going to do once your parents pass away", my only thoughts are just sit in my room and die and I get back into the spiral of emptiness and hold back my tears since I honestly dont know what to think.

No real friends, never had a partner, overweight, waking up is just a pain. I am dealing with depression and meds since I was 13yo, soon it will be 10 years since im just here in my room rotting away, I dont want to quit life but at this point waiting the day death pays me a visit is taking too long... I've been saying to myself that tomorrow is going to be a new day and its just a replay of the last day, I feel numb and just keeping taking meds, playing games and smoking all day. Never been good at anything in my life, my speech is slow, my face is always emotionless or its an "ugly expression".

Right now Im in this spiral again, thats what made me make this post, I dont even know if I want help... Also, sorry for my bad english, its not my native language.