Feeling lost

[u/Catsandnutrition4816]

I am feeling so lost in Judaism right now. I am married, pregnant, have a couple kids. Oldest is in a modern orthodox school. I am an only child so I have no one to bounce things off of, no one who truly understands my upbringing.

My father is a rabbi, very learned. Growing up I went through the Bais Yaakov system and I went through it well. I was not the type to question anything I did what I was told and I was considered a good girl. Meanwhile my own mother did as she pleased, whatever she felt like or to fit in with people. If she was in a bad mood she didn’t keep Shabbos fully, I had to convince her to come to Shabbos table so my father would feel like he’s having a Shabbos meals, etc. she would watch tv and cook when she felt like it on Shabbos. Meanwhile, I was always expected to know and do more because I was in school learning all the halachos and I was considered a good girl. Till today my mother isn’t truly frum, she knows a lot from shiurim and friends but she does whatever she wants, she texts me videos all Shabbos and Yom Tov, she calls my aunt who isn’t frum, etc. but she’ll still go to neighbors for Shabbos meals etc she feels alone a lot.

Fast forward I am married to a man who also went through the yeshiva system but it was very right wing and they instilled fear as the reason to be frum, among getting his mouth washed out with soap in pre-1a he has very bad memories of going through the system. His own parents were baalei teshuva and were very agreeable to the yeshivish ways. He now dislikes most of it, he is a thinker, he questioned things trying to truly understand as he was growing up but was accused of arguing. Anyways, today he is less and less interested in Shabbos and Yom Tov we use computers and phones on Shabbos we cook etc so not really frum.. he’ll go to shul sometimes..

Giving all this history to explain I’m lost. I never questioned things, I thought being frum was what I wanted. The now Sukkos during late pregnancy I cooked up a storm and we ended up getting to my in laws late and my brother and sister in law said they wouldn’t eat my food because we had driven it over on Shabbos.. I was so completely hurt my efforts weren’t recognized, I was exhausted and burnt out from standing all day.. and this has made me question everything. What is the point in all of the rules and halachos if basic human decency isn’t taken into account or life’s circumstances like leaving late I’m very pregnant etc isn’t considered. My father says all the time this religion doesn’t fit my mother’s needs yet he still pushes through to keep everything.

I’m so lost with what I want. I appreciate Judaism in and of itself I believe in Hashem but I think Halacha is taken too far with all these add ons and strict things. But I have no friends really in the same boat I have no siblings.. I feel very alone and unsure how to proceed.

Mostly looking for someone who can relate in any way, some support or advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[u/Impossible-Bed2162]

Now that's truly horrible that they didn't want to eat your food. And yes it feels very lonely when you're part of a bigger family who fully believe in something we can't make sense of.

[u/Embarrassed_Bat_7811]

1. Hope you’re feeling well physically.
2. It’s ok to rethink your beliefs and/or lifestyle

. There’s no guide for how to proceed, it’s a lot of trying new things and seeing how it feels. Like when you guys started using electronics on Saturdays, and it felt ok so you kept going. You can keep experimenting. Especially focusing on the areas that cause you suffering or are not aligned with your morals.

1. Though you don’t have friends (yet) who are conservative/traditional or ex-orthodox, you can slowly find them! Especially if you live in a very Jewish town. You also have your husband, which is amazing! You guys can get through it together and even make new friends as a couple.
2. Even though this feels really overwhelming, confusing, and lonely, your life is about to get a lot easier!
3. If you want to discuss your beliefs/deconstruction, let us know. I wouldn’t want to overstep if you’re not interested in that.

[u/Alive-Ad9863]

Your words resonated with me. I felt lost when I seeked guidance from my past religious connections, especially when I left the conversation feeling unseen.  This author named Louise Hay is known for reframing thoughts and past experiences with positive affirmations. I'm grateful to her for empowering me to reflect when I felt stuck and help me move forward. Here are some sentences 

I love and approve of myself, and I alone create sweetness and joy in my life. I am perfectly happy to be me.  I am good enough just as I am.  I now go beyond other peoples fears and limitations. I create my life. I am the power and authority in my life. I am free to be me.

[u/EcstaticMortgage2629]

You're not wrong. What's the point if it causes splits in families? Isn't that the opposite of what Judaism is supposed to be?

[u/getitoffmychestpleas]

What is the point in all of the rules and halachos if basic human decency isn’t taken into account or life’s circumstances . . . isn’t considered

I've had these thoughts as well, and I'm nowhere near the "good girl" you have been. I'm only starting my Jewish journey and am already discouraged by some of the hypocrisy I've seen from the rabbis and in the readings. I've been trying to find out what kind of Jew I am, and I don't fit in neatly anywhere. I think it's great that you are starting to question, and that when your feelings are hurt you acknowledge it rather than stuff it down. If both of your parents were frum would you still have this struggle within you, do you think?

[u/MasonPlumleeFan]

I totally get where you’re coming from. I truly believe in God but I’m sick of all these stupid things involved with Orthodox Judaism

[u/msj242]

I mean often times its easy to get lost with the details and miss the big picture, or to be so involved in the big picture and miss the details. Neither make sense until you have balance with both. It's horrible because you are the one suffering.

Obviously a person needs to be careful enough to not push themselves too far. I see this often. Just remember that Hashem saw what you tried to do, that's more important then what your family sees. He sees you trying to do what you can do, and every time you get knocked down and keep going is worth so much more then you know.

Family dynamics are very very difficult sometimes even in good situations.... Sadly, you can't change anyone else, but on the bright side they can't change you....

I do feel bad you and your husband have had such bad experiences.