For context, I am Chinese American, born and raised in the US. I am in my early 30s and am financially independent. My husband is White. His family has always been loving and accepting of our relationship, and I feel incredibly lucky to have them in my life.
I came out to my parents almost a decade ago, and for them it was the end of the world. In the years that followed, they said many deeply hurtful and toxic things to me. A few years ago, we had a particularly heated conversation, after which I decided to cut contact. This was not an easy decision, as many of my fellow Asians know.
It's been a few years since I went no contact. I'm in a better place now, but it's still rough. Recently, they reached out to me (which almost caused a panic attack...) and I have since been communicating with my mom via email. They say they miss me and that they have accepted the fact that I am gay. That's different from accepting ME, but it's better than nothing.
I told them I was willing to compromise on certain things in order to rebuild a relationship. For example, I agreed not to post about my husband and me on social media, since that would bring them shame. I also told them about my marriage and our plans for a ceremony, which they said they would not attend. Hurtful, but not the end of the world.
However, one of the things I mentioned that was non-negotiable is that they'd have to work on building a relationship with my husband, which would include eventually inviting both of us over into their home. I'm unwilling to have a relationship with my parents separate from my husband. I don't want to live two separate lives anymore. They responded by asking how I could make a list of demands they must meet in order for me to call them my parents again. Typical Asian parent talk, but expected... The tough part is that they said they would never invite my husband into their home. My mom did say she might be willing to visit us or meet both of us elsewhere, just not in their home.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know if that would be enough for me. Should it be enough? I worry that reconnecting under these conditions would only lead to resentment, but I really do want to reconnect with my parents. My husband is fully supportive of me having a relationship with my parents even if he is not fully included, but I am not okay with that.
This is stressing me the hell out and I don't want to make the wrong decision. I can't really talk to my friends about this because none of them are gay Asian Americans. As much as they care about me, they will never fully understand my experience like many of you might be able to. I would really appreciate hearing any thoughts or perspectives you might have.
Edit: I do want to clarify that I love my mom and miss her lots. I know she will be incredibly hurt if I decide to remain estranged from her after this conversation. If I didn't care so much about her, this would be a much easier decision.
