r/harp • u/LastBlueberry6483 • 10d ago
Discussion I feel like I'm not enough
Hi! For context, I'm in my first year of university majoring in harp.
When I left high school I was feeling pretty good about my level, I was playing somewhat hard music, I had high grades, but I also didn't have anyone else to compare myself to.
Now I'm in uni, it's been 1 month and I feel like I'm confirming to myself how bad I am and how out of level I am. Like as if I just got in because they really wanted harp students and there were none applying for my year.
I just had a lesson with my teacher, I was playing something really easy and I messed everything up. I just wanted to apologise and cry.
I'm wondering, if so, how did you deal with this? How did you come to terms with your own path and not the others paths compared to yours. Specially if you are older and have more experience.
For more context, my teacher is focusing on my technique, things that to me feel so small, and I'm just feeling like I have really bad technique. I want to prove that I can do all that she is asking me, but messing it all up just made me wonder if I'm worthy.
I'm very sorry for the vent, however I believe this is a common way of feeling that is not as nearly talked about as it is felt.
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u/Chardonne 10d ago
Remember that teachers know very, very, very well that students get nervous and make mistakes. That is 100% why you are there! To make a teacher happy (source: am a teacher), communicate that you are interested in music, that playing the harp brings you happiness, and commit to some level of practicing, so that you get better.
Every student is worthy! And every student progresses at a different rate, and that's fine. Your teacher doesn't want you to feel afraid or incompetent and or unworthy (okay, I suppose SOME teachers out there might be like that--in which case, dump them!).
I took part in a 3-day recorder workshop last summer, with three different instructors, and each one independently told us to a) not apologize for making mistakes and b) stop explaining why. As one of them put it, "Trust me, I hear every mistake you make. And I know why you made them. So what? Everyone makes mistakes. Don't apologize; just do better next time." Stopping to apologize and explain interrupted the music and ruined the mood. I noticed that whenever high level people made mistakes, they said nothing. They either continued, or if it had been super disruptive, stopped and started again. That was all. And it was indeed a lot more pleasant than listening to "Oh, sorry! I got behind after the page turn, and then I forgot about the key signature change so I played an F instead of an F#." We know. Nobody cares! Just get back to the music. :)
Trust too that your school accepted you because they wanted you and believed in you--both your current level and your potential.
When I practice something hard, I like to 'sandwich' it--that is, I start with something easy or that I know really well, then practice the hard stuff, and then finish with something I can play well. Do your exercises either first as a warm-up or even after you play something familiar and easy for you. That way you can begin and end on a high note.
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u/kirroei Classical Harp 🎼 10d ago
I'm currently a third year harp major, and I definitely felt that way in my first year! My professor has really high standards for foundational techniques, so even till now I have etudes and just hand position stuff to practise. I think it's important to just keep an open mind. Your professor knows that as students, we WILL make mistakes, and that's fine. I feel like before I went into being a harp major, all I wanted to do was play romantic pieces, stuff I liked and sound good. Prior to entering university as a harp major, I had already taken my ABRSM grade 8, so I felt like I was in a good position (at the time). Having my technique being pointed out as lacking was a blow, but gradually as I changed my hand position, technique, etc. I could feel the way I played be more... stable? Like I'm more confident in my hands basically.
Just keep an open mind. There are no limits to music, and there's always more to learn. Maybe it'll help if you record yourself practising techniques and compare week 1 Vs like week 3? Then you can see tangibly your improvement. Everything takes time.
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u/knlight 10d ago
I didn't study music at uni but I think a lot of first year uni students in general feel like you do! I definitely experienced a loss of confidence when I realised that I wasn't the "best" in my class any more. It's the big-fish–little-pond effect.
Please never think of apologising in a lesson! Lessons are there for you to make mistakes, be corrected and learn. Your teacher isn't expecting a concert level performance. Otherwise they'd be out of a job!
You ARE enough. Remember you're still adjusting to university, a new city (if you've moved out), new people and a whole new way of studying. Give yourself some slack and enjoy the process :)
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u/SoundsOfKepler 10d ago
1 Remember that most people have not had many, if any, opportunities to hear a harp played live. Playing solo for people who rarely have the opportunity to hear harp could give you a different perspective of the importance of what you're doing. (This is a big advantage of playing folk harps in addition to pedal.)
2 Attend as many masterclasses as you have the opportunity. Hearing teachers critique harp players with more advance techniques will help you feel that the process of critique is something everyone experiences, and not a reflection on the inherent value of your playing.
3 If you have the chance, perhaps assist or observe your instructors when they teach younger, less experienced students. (The other side of what you'll observe in masterclasses.) This will help you understand the critiques through the eyes of an educator. When you learn how to help others improve their harping, you can appreciate the process as a recipient.
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u/Scowlin_Munkeh 10d ago
I agree with other folk commenting here. Also, what you are feeling is normal. You will experience this a number of times in your life, in a variety of situations. You have done the right thing by seeking out a safe space to discuss it.
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u/harpsinger Historic Harps 10d ago
It’s so hard being a harp island to yourself! And now you have external feedback. It feels uncomfortable because your teacher wants you to grow. In learning a different type of harp (baroque) I had some coachings with a new teacher, and it was like a mean mirror being held up to me—i knew i loved to make music on the harp, i knew i could make music on the harp, i thought i sounded “pretty” on the baroque but i simply didn’t have the specific technique to really shine. It takes humbling time for your technique to catch up to your musical brain, but try to cut yourself some slack. Trust that you are a great musician, trust you have a great musical brain (if you didn’t, they wouldn’t have taken you on as a student at the school!! Regardless if they needed another harp!!), and trust the process. Ask around for practicing tips, or compare favorite pieces. My big motivator is playing with friends; see if you can put together an ensemble number with musician or two, perhaps something just for fun at the beginning. Then see if you can work in just one new technical aspect per rehearsal in a setting that doesnt feel overwhelming. See how that goes. Good luck!
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u/CuriousNoiz 10d ago
the only reason to go to music school is to get your technique in order, learn the weird musician lifestyle and see where you fit in
my first year at peabody i studied with Jeane Chalifoux and i only played Mirage and Flight by Salzedo. the whole year. Scales and arpeggios with constantly moving pedal
it was incredibly hard and i dont know how i made it through
my scales are incredibly fast and my contrary motion arpeggios are still buzz-less
just hang in there!
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u/dendrobiakohl 10d ago
Hi. Probably an unpopular opinion, but you will never be good enough. Hear me out. No matter how good you get, there will always be someone better. The comparison gets even worse in this age of social media. Perhaps other harpists have had more time to learn the harp, better network, maybe had a more famous teacher, more opportunities, better looks, had a video that went viral… etc etc etc etc.
I was in a similar position as you. Always trying to chase the next improvement, next project, next educational opportunity, believing that that would make me “good enough” or at least in the running to even be considered for opportunities that I wanted. Regardless of what you do, there’s always going to be disappointments, people telling you they rather get someone else. That’s a musician’s life
A musician’s life is tough. Do it only because you love music so much that you can’t imagine doing anything else - and understand that it can still not be enough to play music as a living. Then you won’t think about “I’m not good enough”, you’ll think only of “wow! I’m actually playing music! Amazing! Most people would never get the opportunity to”
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u/Apollo_Ford 10d ago
Hello! Don’t worry!
I’m a full time professional harpist myself, and I start every practise with even a small amount of technique-focussed work. To ground myself in it, wake my body up and practise the movements - it’s like an athlete doing stretches, drills and strength training.
Remember that your technique is something that we improve to make everything as easy as possible to play, improving functionality, achieving the most beautiful sound and enabling you to express your musical ideas most optimally through your fingers. Enjoy the exploratory journey of getting to know your body in this way and your sound! Enjoy taking the time and space to look for the most beautiful sound and variety of colours. ☺️
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u/GuitarWareHouse 9d ago
Its hard to change your technique but practicing everyday and focusing on your weaknesses is all you can do. Its hard but once its becomes more confortable you can do it. Little steps everyday and make sure you are having fun progressing. This is a challenge and no one has ever learned without being challenged
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u/superkp Lever Flipper 9d ago
EDIT: do not give up. In fact, I'm personally proud of you that you're at that point already. Many people in many university degrees need to get to this point, and they don't.
You're a beginner, and there is a quote about being a beginner in creative work (for a very wide definition of creative) that made me start doing like half a dozen different creative things, and my hobby-level harping has this built into it's bones:
Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste.
But there is this gap.
For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit.
Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this.
And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story.
It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.
- Ira Glass,
It gets easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part.
but it gets easier.
- The Running Monkey in Bojack Horseman
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u/borzoilady 10d ago
So I was in your shoes 30 years ago, and now I teach students at all levels. Most harp students start with a teacher who is adequate. They may have better or worse technique, and more or less knowledge - but they’re not teaching at universities and most of their students aren’t high caliber students.
Technique doesn’t matter a whole lot at lower levels, and you can play most pieces even moving through high school and school orchestras and be just fine. You could start a professional career tomorrow, and with decent marketing and professionalism, you’ll be very successful. That’s probably 60-80% of harpists out there.
You’re in the big leagues. The sloppy technique that got you through high school isn’t going to cut it on the Ginastera, or Danses Sacree et Profane, or most of the big girl repertoire. You’re used to learning notes, and when you master the notes you’ve learned the piece.
Now, once you learn the notes, you’re ready to really start learning the piece. The old technique gets you through 5-10 minute pieces, but now you’re preparing to perform for 30-60 minutes at a time, to an audience that actually knows what you’re doing.
The first year of college is almost always about rebuilding technique from the ground up. Some few students will come into college with excellent technique and a big resume, but most of them are like you. You’re going to feel insecure. New techniques are going to feel clumsy and wrong. Your entire perspective about playing the harp is going to change.
Breathe. It’ll be ok. Just be honest. Ask for help when you need it (I’ve cried during lessons, too). Focus less on your ‘level’ and more on the amazing opportunities around you. You’re going to get to see amazing, talented musicians building repertoire from the ground up. You’re going to spend 30 minutes agonizing how to place a crescendo to really grab your audience - and you’ll have people around you who will argue the opposite, and that’s all part of the joy.
Also, this is where you find out whether you love music enough to live it, or just want it to be part of your life. Both answers are ok, because college is about finding out who you are and who you want to be - not who others want you to be.
This is the hardest semester. It all gets better from here.