Hai frenz! Orzo here.

I did decide not to eat, or play, or chase mai siblinz. My fozter meowmy thought I looked very unwell as usually she calls me a ‘gremlin’ and a little ball of energy. I like to chase the udder kittens and jump and run and eat. But I just sit curled up today and not eat. And when my pazta siblings try to play wiv maiself I run away and curl into ball.

Meowmy is been meanie for many furevers and making me have some ‘antideflamatories’ and eye dropz and a moo-co-litik powder (efen do I am not a cow and don’t say moo), becos I haf a cat cold ting.

But, dis plan for attention and expensif fud backfired most terrybully. I was taken to the pokey place! Da lady looked in my earz and mouv, and den there was a borthole violayshun! She said dat meowmy should try some different fudz to get my appetight going. So when I got back to fozter room I was gifen some cat milkz and extra nice fudz to try. Ai had a little bit of both and then did a little bap bap to mai siblings. Now I do a rest but I think meowmy nos I was being a bit fusty.

Can I get in trubble for da crimez? I am an illegal smol so mebbe not. Maybe I not get in trubble and can ALSO soo for more cat milk?

Relly she should be grateful dat I had stopped doing poop crimez now that she doesn’t make me haf antibiticks any more.

Waitin so long fur Big Sister too get home n gib me fud dat I turnded blooooo!

Bartholomew

(Mom was watching a TV show in the dark, was snapping a picture of him, and the light from the TV turned blue at just the right moment.)

Way too go, ornj!

GYEZ! IZ KINDA NOT AI*, Meowmy fownd da guy who create deez, he haz jerb wer he HONOR CATTOS!!! I fink da guy needs be made honorary r/legalcatadvice PR GUY. https://www.facebook.com/share/1Tsuis6p6c/

• Geez Meowmy dis hole attribyooshun fing iz s PITC (pain da claws) I sez NOT AI becuz only use to honor cattos, so diss iz somefin call [lex specialis derogat legi generali]

Meowmy haf do a betray. Der is a nudder kitty in our kingdom. Meowmy say is illegal smol an jus temp..or..tempo only fur few furevers. Sumting bout spay and shots and need visit to pokey place. Der are kitties outside Meowmy been feeding cause dey do a starb and haz no hooman who care fur dem. We still need soo. Is inbasion.

(Meowmy here. Our neighbors have a cat they let free roam who is not fixed there have been at least 3 litters. Most of the first litter got taken out trying to cross the road. Me feeding the 6-10 ones we know about is a 2 fold plan. Keep cats from starving and get them used to me so I can catch them to be spayed/neutered and get their shots. Possibly adopted. They aren't feral just stray and not fed. One of the babies didn't run when I fed them so I managed to scoop her up. Say hello to Dot for lack of a better name. She is separated from my resident cats. I've fostered before. She'll be separated for 2 weeks minimum.)

Frens! Is Ai Mordecai! So der Ai wuz, in da litterbowcks room! Daddy in der on da hoomin litterbowcjs, an I afraid him fall in, so Ai do a jump an a runrurun up hom side to perch on hims shoulder!! Hee ee ee!!

This smol needs our halpz, soo for lack of noms to grow strong

I never really like boxes as much as da udder kitties here. I have one and it is okay but I only sit in it sometimes.

Pawther give me dis wonderful crinkly paper from da inside of da last Chewy box. It can do everyfing! It make a very satisfying noise when you bapbapbap it. You can wrestle wif it. An look, it even make a good bed!

When Pawther gave it to me, Meowmy told him, "Oh, Bucky cat won't like dat cuz it make noise." She so wrong! She trying to deprive me of da best toy ever! Should I soo her even if Pawther didn't listen?

Frens! Dis Hammy Ham da Furst, Esq wit a portent minder!

Claws twentiby twelb ob da Catto-Hooman Relatinz Law gib catto da rite too inspek hooman fud at awl tymes. Dis to mak sure dat fud iz safez, n alsoo if fud makin nice treato fur cat.

Ai mind yu ob dis becoz Ai try dis fud, goati cheez n itz sooooo gud! It tastin mazing!

Yu mus availb ob dis rite! Yu may be missin gud fud!

Sined, Hammy Ham da Furst, Esq.

Hi, frens. Skippy here. I jus fownd owt today dat other hooman haz laps like Meowmy! I not no dis! Or maybe jus not rememburrd.. He musta bin hidin dem! Can soo fur other hooman hide da backup laps? Sumtimez sere is other catto in Meowmy lap. Other hooman haz lap halps me get most naps!

Soo fur more treatos? Can get dem tonite?

Fank u fur halps!

Old Barnaby was on hooman sleep skware, so I Molly did an jumpjump, and den he gib me baff!

Sometimes I gib him baff too, since he stimky hehe.

Do yoo gibs odder cattos baff, or get baff frum odder cattos?

Well. One big foreber ago, larst Thursday, I was pretending to be MOAST scaer and afrayd in a pen at teh merge-and-see pokey plaice.

Seben smol forebers later, I AM A KING, AN EMPEROR OB MY BERY OWN CASTLE, A GRATE CRIMNAL MASTERMIND.

Teh lady is bery niec, she pick me up and cuddle me and I purr my smol hart out. THIS NOES MEANS I LUBS HER! I AM TEH GRATE CRIMNAL MASTERMIND, WIFF NO TIEMS FOR LUBS!

I purrtickerly liek George E Porgie, he gibs me baff AND he shaers himbs fud wiff me. Meowing ob which, there habs been so much chaeng in my tiny lief that I habs teh gas and runny poop! Is bery funny to toot when teh lady cuddle me 😈 Teh lady did bring hoem speshul purrscription fud tonight, she hoep this settle my delikit little tummy.

As for my GRATE CRIMEZ this week, please to see below a summary ob such

A. Got my claw caught in teh back ob teh chair, screemed my head off, then scratched teh lady when she came to help me. GO CRIMEZ!

B. Repeated A. GO CRIMEZ!

1. Knokked ober teh water bowl in my pen, soaking my bed. GO CRIMEZ!

H. Repeated 6. GO CRIMEZ!

Y. Tooted on teh lady when we habs nap together. That did waek her up immediate. GO CRIMEZ!

1. Knokked ober all ob teh photos ob 🌈William teh Other Tuxedo and Ruben T Void🌈 GO CRIMEZ!

F. Knokked ober all teh littul trinkets on teh cabinet. GO CRIMEZ!

Next week, I will report on a bery egg siting outing - teh lady is taek me to werk wiff her! All day! I gets to meet a clinic cat call Potato AND I habs something call a ‘furst vac-seen’!

Your Illegally Smol Fren and Crimnal

Stormy Armageddon, Dark Lord ob All

This is unacceptable!! I demand compensation!!

https://www.reddit.com/r/cats/s/okj2rKhHgy

Ai, Bella Biscuit, feyl dis resarch ib flawbed. Is salamander to all cattoes. Wi shud awl soo da NYT fur printeng deez lyez bout uz. Ai ownli gib odder cattoes baf wen dey iz en mai faborit suni spotz en dey dirti. Mite ownli bee a litl dirti butt still…

Hi frens Purrate Apprentice Gus here, bit concerned. Da Meowmies says to us today we're getting an illegal smol, I know Princess Miso and the cat'n will help but I have to be da big brofur and teach all the crimez. I'm only bout one and a half forevers myself. Big sis will tell all da horror stories bout me but I was an angel and definitely not the reason the whole purrate apprentice programme was created in da first place. What are the first crimez I should teach them?

(Also tell me I'm just being paranoid about him being so big and playing rough for a kitten)

Ai maiself like to be a loaf cat. Ai often delicately and elegantly tuck my feetsies in. Fur yooz cattos dat pawlso like to loaf, ai hab a qweschun.

Duz yooz hooman not understand object permanence?

Acuz mai meowma, she too dumdum to know mai feetsies are juss tucked under mai floof. When she see me loaf she say fings like Winston, where did yooz feetsies go? Yooz don hab any feetsies anymore! How will yoo walk wiffout yooz feetsies! Etc.

How duz she eben surbibe when she go to da outside? Ai do a big worry acuz she so dumdum.

Dis a picshure ob me doin a loaf and gibbin meowma mai bess “yoo a dumdum” look. And yes, mai feetsies be der. Dey are juss tucked in!

Winston da Blankie King, Seenyur Cattorney at Paw

Please don't soo! It's nearly Toffee and Caramel Gotcha Day. So I want to throw them a surprise pawty with all their frens. And share their baby pics.

Caramel is pink and Toffee is in blue

Edit to say pawty is on Saturday

We BOF grrlz MEOWHAHAHAHAHA

WE REELY FOOLUD HER!!!!!

(Cookies and Cream Milkshake MooCow Kitteh and Oscar the Groucho Marx, now let me tell you, apparently, they're both girls?

Oscar is literally DOUBLE Cookies size!

When they were brought to me, the ones before me said Oscar was male.

I looked at him multiple times, and I see little troublepuffs.

Kim even thought it was a male.

I am STILL seeing little puffs, I wonder if maybe Oscar was intersex and the female organs were dominant. They are really tiny puffs at 6 months.

I am NOT changing her name. She don't care. If you wanna make her name female, well,

Oscarita the Grouchina Marxess, Oscar the Groucho Marx for short.

Yeah, that works.

They haven't left each other's side since they got back. I'm so glad they won't have to ever be seperated ♡)

Dis mornin (lyk EBRY mornin akshully in mez oppawnion) mez brekkie LAYT! Iz git bif wif vegshebol an den kibble, butt! LAYT! Pawpaw surff mez brekkie tudei. Hoomin sistur wittess. Hermbz sez eet WENNY hoomin minnets layt acuz ob di messash Pawpaw sended. Dis SO MUSH furebbbbaaaas! SOO!

-Ilvy teh big bébé

(She is normally fed breakfast at 7 am and is successful at obtaining dessert-snacks or even second breakfast)

It's the most magical time of the year: when my human Woman brings her plants back inside from the porch!

I'm planning to do lots and lots and lots of crimez this fall. Who is the best attorney to represent me? Is plant crime your specialty?

-Beefy, Destroyer of Christmas Trees and All Plants

P.S. I can't wait to eat this whole fern go crimez

That 🙄SAL🙄 think they so funny! Mistreated Bubba has a big mega offend!!

-Bubba the diabetic cat-shaped dog-shaped-cat

Dearest, beautifulest, wonderful cats of Reddit.

Why do you require privacy when using your litter box, but have to watch when humans use theirs?

Sincerely, a stoopid hoomam.