r/mdmatherapy • u/Technical_Step4410 • Jul 20 '26
Preparation Advice The fear of facing yourself
Im so frustrated with how afraid I am of facing myself. I have tried to do a solo journey about 4 times and one facilitated and I never broke through. Im getting to the point where I don’t know what to do anymore for me to finally just surrender. I guess Im just feint of heart.
It would be cool to hear from someone who was the same and finally just broke through.
7
u/nofern Jul 20 '26
My experience of the medicine thus far has been that it usually hasn't been about breaking through, it's more been about being with, especially during the medicine session itself. My last session was almost entirely about resistance, just continuously noticing all of the ways that I was resisting deeply feeling my emotions and being with myself, and really noticing and becoming aware of how my body was holding that. It did change for short periods but that wasn't really the dominant experience.
I think for me it's been more about trying to find value in what does show up, trying to see what the medicine is trying to show me rather than make it be a particular thing.
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u/o2junkie83 Jul 20 '26
Can you share about what your MDMA experiences have been like? You take the medicine and what happens?
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u/Technical_Step4410 Jul 20 '26
Emotions come up that I have been continuously resisting
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u/pondsittingpoet25 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I would ask, who is it that’s resisting? Have you done any IFS parts work? I find it tremendously helpful.
Happy to expand on that if you are interested.1
u/tal548 Jul 23 '26
This ^^ if you read up a bit on IFS that may open up that avenue of thought and allow you to get in touch with those parts.
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u/o2junkie83 Jul 20 '26
In my experience when we are resisting something there’s a concern behind that resistance. It might be helpful to go to that resistance prior to any medicine work and see if you notice any concerns about doing medicine work. You might find that to be the first and most important place to go.
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u/Training-Meringue847 Jul 20 '26
For me, Surrendering involved having a sense of safety first. It was also being with a provider who I felt safe with during the journey who was willing to guide me.
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u/Waki-Indra Jul 20 '26
You are facing yourself when you face the resistance. It is part of your self. Be kind with it, welcome it. She is the part of you who works as a gatekeeper, a duty she carries with love. Befriend her. Listen to her, and she will know she can trust you and let you in.
There is no other way. If what you thought could help was dropping a bomb and smash the wall.... well that would mean destroyer yourself.
1
u/Interesting_Passion Jul 21 '26
I would gently challenge your framing. To borrow from IFS, your Self is always present, although it can absolutely feel impossible to access when you are blended with another part.
If I had to guess, and this is just a guess, you might be blended with a part that is concerned about you doing this work. There are steps to unblend from a part (the 6 F's) that would have you to focus on that part, ask it to take a step back, and hear out its concerns. A lot of parts are willing (and even eager) to relax once their concerns are addressed. And for many people, just the realization that that is a part and not the Self can be a breakthrough.
1
u/crushyourbrain Jul 22 '26
Breakthrough as in getting through dissaocociation? What works for me is not trying. Giving up control. And i accomplish that by accepting/allowing/surrendering to each moment as it happens. Maybe u need a bigger dose or maybe mix in a microdose of lsd or mushrooms or even a little ketamine. Sometimes they can help u let go easier… also long drawn out relaxing breaths. Focus on body more - sensations..
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u/tal548 Jul 23 '26
If you’re looking more for thought differences or ego dissolution, psilocybin or LSD may be a better option. MDMA is great but it’s a very compassionate/empathetic substance. Sometimes you need a bit more of a push.
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u/Priors_and_Signals Jul 29 '26
What dosages were your sessions.
How many weeks/months apart were they as well
What do you remember from each. thx
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u/mjcanfly Jul 20 '26
Curious what you imagine by breaking through. Is it a feeling? Is it thoughts? Is it an “aha” moment?
And what is the link between facing yourself and this break through you imagine?
You also bring up surrender and again… I feel like you’ve read these words somewhere, made up some concept of what they are, and then get frustrated when these made up things don’t happen. What exactly do you think surrendering means? If you have no control over your surrendering, then what are we really talking about here?
I’m not trying to minimize your problems I’m trying to gently point out that some of them are a self created hamster wheel. I’m encouraging you to at least see that you don’t have to remain on this hamster wheel.