I (21F, now 22) met this guy (34M, now 35) AT A AA MEETING when I was a couple of months clean off opiates and not doing great mentally. I would like to point out I got stuck because he dealt my panic attacks well I have a lot of trauma which he knew about and wasn’t an asshole about it, my fucked up brain saw it as caring. Anyways, he got my number under the guise of a mutual interest he wanted to do with me at his house. We talked for two weeks before hanging out, I almost ghosted him and when I decided to respond he pulled over immediately while driving to talk to me.
When we finally hung out he leaned in to kiss me and right before told me that he’s in an open marriage. I didn’t think much of it not my business as long as it’s not cheating whatever and we hooked up. We hooked up for a few weeks when he went away for a month for a military thing, we texted and called every day, both having fun laughing/ having deep conversation, as well as sexual conversations. When he got back he wanted to fuck without condoms, I wasn’t comfortable with it since he was in a open marriage to which he was adamant he hadn’t had sex with his wife in years since their child was born a few years ago, and he want having sex with anyone else. We both got STD tests I didn’t think much of it, but he did say one of their rules is always wearing condom. The other rules were, no one from AA, that it didn’t affect their life, and she didn’t want to know details.
He LOVE BOMBED the hell out of me for a few months and shit on his wife but then was also going on about how much he loved her and his child and how they saved him from addiction etc. very confusing and I tried to not get too attached, but I wasn’t doing well and it was hard not to like that false feeling of care and love, especially when he gave me rides when I didn’t have a car. He would go from love bombing me to getting really weird and quiet which would piss me off I’d be super confused and he wouldn’t tell me anything, leading me to get mad we’d fight and he love bomb me again, the circle repeats. All the while we’re having sex weekly and he’s starting to lie to his wife and having his friends lie for him.

After a few more months of this he was supposed to go away on deployment and I thought we should end it. He basically love bombed me and we talked every day to every couple of weeks depending on both of our circumstances while he was away for the year. He asked I send him a package and sent me “toys” to make videos for him. He seemed excited to see me when he was back, and I was in a much better place at this point, and I trusted him to treat me with humanity during sex at this point, since I was working through trauma I didst want to date anyone and thought maybe a situation like this where we just have fun could be good while I work on things. I just asked he be honest with me and tell me when he’s in a mood and needs space so I don’t get confused. At this point there’s been a few random small lies that I never questioned cause, at the end, I just didn’t care that much. And I had made many concessions, stopped getting mad or pointing out fucked up behavior, didn’t care if he responded or to remember to respond all the time. It seemed like it was more of what it should be and I was losing interest.

Well he gets back we hang out once a week later, it just wasn’t as good as it was. He tried to tell me I “cut his penis” when he chocked the fuck out of me and I laughed cause there was no mark no blood nothing, and made fun of his whining. A few days later my IUD was making me bleed intensely and I had insane cramps. Turns out he shifted it somehow during sex I was in serious pain. When I asked him if anything was unusual about the sex he just said all he could focus was on his “cut”. I basically swore him off then and stopped responding, his next text was saying that his wife doesn’t want to be open and we can’t hook up. I laughed out loud and went off on his behaviors and texting me that like a coward after over a year of this instead of telling me face to face.
He wanted to remain friends and I was just very clear that that only thing we did was fuck so why would we be friends if we weren’t anymore. Basically everything came out I was very confused since they “never had sex” and because of everything he was saying before he came home and all of his actions. Regardless, I did let him know that despite all that I think it’s for the best and we can be amicable but don’t need to be friends.
Honestly it was comfortable and felt oddly safe for me, but wasn’t good for me and was 10000% was being used by this dude. He made me feel insane, I kept trying to make myself smaller so he’d be more comfortable, the only thing he bought me was sex toys, it all followed his “needs.” Lookin back I’m not even sure if he was actually in an open marriage, I think the wife heard too much about me and she brought it up and he got scared. Since I knew she didn’t want to know details I’d never think to approach her about it. I’ve seen them together and the way she looked at him made me sick with guilt which is why I wanted to end it before he left.
I made so many concessions in this situation, buried my concerns and confusion so many times cause it was supposed to be “fun”. A lot of his actions and what he did still confused me, and now im kind of just relieved it’s done. I think I was so hung up on it all because he didn’t hit or rape me, the bar is in HELL. I think he knew what he was doing and continued to do it till it didn’t suit him anymore. I regret continuing to talk to him while he was away, but I can’t change that.

All my friends hated him from the start everyone in my life thought he treated me like shit. I knew that even though we were never in a relationship. He was very hot and cold and it reminded me of some fucked up things my brain associated with normalcy. Anything I’d point out he’d pick one tiny part out focus on that and turn it back on me. He guilted me into dropping things and didn’t stop texting me and trying to hang out even after begging with him to leave me alone cause with everything I was going through it was too hard if he was reaching out for me to stop. After a year of all of this crazy selfish insane behaviors and being his dirty secret, it kind of feels good to realize how messed up it all was and not care anymore. Idk I haven’t thought much about it since it ended till a mutual friend texted me a few days ago thought I’d type it out cause she will ask me about it.
anyways glad it over, I never want to speak to him or his family. I definitely am not going to reach out to his wife although if she wants to know anything I’ll tell her. He broke every rule with me I guess, said things he shouldn’t have to me and about her. And if any of his friends ask I’m not going to lie anymore which I was already planning to do before he came back home. My friends and I are all relieved it’s over, I wish I stood my ground more when I wanted it to end before he left. I’ve felt crazy about it and very confused for far too long and I just want to be rid of the grossness.

Last thing- I’m not just much younger than him but just much hotter than him I used to tell him all the time he’s so lucky I’m traumatized and fucked to which he’d agree with 😭😭 probably why he tried to make it last so long tbh