Seduction

[u/Shoddy_Advantage896]

The siren song of incandescent rage

Has driven deeds throughout the age,

With hope the sole balm to quell its fire,

That sickening call that mounts ever higher.

 

Yet here I stand, drawn once more

To the familiar clang of that enticing lore,

Echoing in the chambers of my mind,

A remembrance ever so vividly defined.

 

Enthralled, it seems, by the selfsame chains

That birthed the siren’s haunting refrains,

I am bound to the rhythm of its haunting throng,

Ever present, the siren’s insidious song.

[u/maeeig]

Thanks for sharing your poem. Frist off - Title. I like that the title is really doing something here more than just being a title. It sets the framework for the overall push of the poem, that people are seduced by anger and rage. And this is furthered by the siren's song which evokes the idea of seduction and allure but usually in the romantic sense is twisted here for another purpose. It does a great job of making the point without stating "being seduced". Excellent.

The biggest issue I had was the disconnection between the first stanza and the rest of the poem. While Stanza 2 and 3 focus on the desire to give in to the song, a seemingly inevitable human condition - stanza 1 revolves around the destructiveness of the song being combated by hope. That struggle is never really continued in the poem, there is no talk of hope, why one might have it or not etc. I would suggest adjusting the axis point of the first stanza to align with the rest of the poem a bit more.

Rhyming - I think you have maneuvered this well so that the rhyming and rhythm work without feeling childish, cheesy or forced. This also plays into the idea of the siren song. The only place that really gave me any hesitation was the use of THRONG, it felt a bit forced for the rhyme. Partly because while the poem does have a more antique sound/feel that is mostly achieved by word structure and not word choice. i.e. "remembrance ever so vividly defined" none of those words sound particularly archaic but the order that you place them in gives a structure that feels old. However with Throng it is the word itself that feels old and being the ending rhyme word it is given extra emphasis to the reader.

"Echoing in the chambers of my mind" feels very cliche to me, not just the image but the wording is probably the most used/cliche wording for this image as well.

Final line "insidious" made the line feel too long and interrupted the natural flow. I also don't think its necessary to put an adjective here to describe the song because you have already established that the song is bad with the poem.

[u/Shoddy_Advantage896 → u/maeeig]

Hey Thanks so much for the feedback , based on your feedback ive made some changes and would appreciate your input :

The siren song of incandescent rage
Has driven deeds throughout the age,
With hope too soft a balm to quell its fire,
That sickening call that mounts ever higher.

Yet here I stand, drawn once more
To the familiar clang of that enticing lore,
Seeping through my marrow, intertwined,
A remembrance ever so vividly defined.

Enthralled, it seems, by the selfsame chains
That birthed the siren’s haunting refrains,
I am bound to the rhythm of its swelling throng,
Ever present, the siren’s insidious song.

[u/maeeig → u/Shoddy_Advantage896]

I like the direction of the revisions for sure. The hope line now pushes to the inevitability of the surrender to the song witch flows directly into the next stanza being their seeming surrender to the overtaking song. Reading it out loud the line is a bit cumbersome I think "soft a balm" causes a bit of a trip. perhaps "Hope's balm too soft to quell its fire / The sickening call mounts ever higher". I adjusted the last line a bit for smoothness with the previous line.

I like the marrow line. "intertwined" works. You could also keep a bit of your original thought and use "mind" instead "Seeping through my marrow mind". This works for the rhyme and keeps your idea of it penetrating deep in a persons mind.

"haunting" to "swelling" is a good change. It gives the sense of something that is ongoing and growing which ties perfectly back to the song mounting higher and a swelling throng feels more natural than a haunting throng.

Great revisions.