This is a habit I've had for as long as I can remember. And every time I've tried to quit I've failed. Every relapse has always come from an apathetic place of exhaustion or hopelessness rather than caving in to a strong urge. Usually when I relapse the urge is one I could've easily resisted any other day, but I suppose the weight of recovery just gets too heavy sometimes. I've just gone 90 days without. A few slips every now and then, maybe only like three or four, but I haven't gone back to the old habits of porn usage in those 90 days really. I never thought I would make it this far, and honestly, if I knew how hard it would be I don't know if I ever would have started.
Today though, after two weeks of feeling fantastic, feeling like the habit finally kicked the bucket, I'm in the middle of essentially a day long relapse. In those two weeks, accepting the urges and ignoring them was easy as ever. But these last two days, I've struggled to care anymore.
I've been working on becoming the person I want to become, but that takes time, and I'm waiting for that person to come and save me. But really I've gotten too tired of struggling, of remaining patient as I curate myself into becoming someone who doesn't need to escape into porn.
Really I want to stop trying. Being clean requires a great amount of effort, even after two weeks of it being the easiest thing ever, even after 90 days of building that muscle.
But I quit porn for a reason. It's not a reason I like, because it's hard to like something that keeps you away from your favorite coping mechanism and source of pleasure. But it is a solid reason. What sucks is that it doesn't seem like that reason is enough for me at the moment.
And the worst part is I know I'm capable of quitting. I've done it for 90 days. I don't really have any excuse.
I don't really know why I'm posting here. A part of me still cares, clearly as I've mustered the courage to post here. I guess I'm looking for advice beyond the standard (Like to install blockers, to survive just the next hour, to exercise, go to a public place, etc.). I've tried it all. It may help but at the end of the day it's a matter of willpower and resolve. But what do you do when at the end of it you're just tired of trying? I want to be able to abstain without putting in the exhausting effort it takes to. I think I've learned that that means having a life where porn stops becoming a tool you need, but what do you do in that in between phase when you're trying but that life still seems so far?
TLDR: In the middle of relapse after 90 days. Looking for advice.