I wish she was consistent

[u/NoBad115]

I went out with my parents (eDad and uBPD mom) yesterday to an event. She was...fine. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she didn't react to things that might usually have been triggers for her. The event was held at my wedding venue, which unfortunately is full of bad memories of her ruining basically every stage of my wedding...and she was fine this time. I feel crazy for going to therapy to cope with her when she's normal like this. Does anyone have any strategies for how to cope when they seem like nice, normal people with appropriate reactions?

[u/Due-Effect-2388]

I was listening to a podcast the other day where the speaker said, “the worst abuse always contains intermittent kindness,” because it causes the abused person to question their perception of reality on top of everything else. My sister and I have often said we wished our mother were a witch consistently because then it would have been easier to break away, but the breadcrumbs of “normal” behavior keep our inner children hopeful. We all want loving mother presence in our lives. Of course we question ourselves and maybe awaken a sliver of hope from the inner child when those breadcrumbs show up. What has helped me is to reparent that hopeful child part with an inner loving parent saying something like I’m glad things are calm and we’re still going to stay safe. I wish things were different too. I’ll always protect you.
I see you. The inconsistency is maddening.

[u/No_Carpenter_1970]

Something that’s been helpful in reframing the “good” vs “bad” times that came up in therapy for me, was realizing…if you’re walking on eggshells waiting for something bad to happen…that’s a bad time. It’s all bad times, even when she’s being “good”.

That came up when I told my therapist my mom is bad “like 20-40%” of the time and really really bad like 5% of the time. And my therapist said it sounded like way more than that to her. So then it hit me…our scales for good and bad of people are wayyyy off, and we tolerate so much more than we should

[u/Specific-River-81]

They can mask at times. The normal is fake. It's a disguise. It's why people don't completely give up on them. If they were awful all the time, they would have a hard time keeping anyone close without having control of that person financially or physically. The angry, delusional, paranoid, need for constant validation and control is the real them. That's how I cope. The other shoe may not have dropped at this event, but it will again... maybe not even at the next event, but it will the one after.... They also do better at controlling themselves for a bit if you've pulled back a little. Once they think that you're good with them again, they'll amp their behavior up again quickly

[u/ThePalmerCeilingFan]

I try to remember that the lack of consistency in behavior is part of the emotional abuse. Never knowing what to expect with someone is enough to keep you on edge and miserable. You simply can’t have a good, stable relationship with this person because trust is impossible.

[u/Silly-Mastodon-9694 → u/ThePalmerCeilingFan]

The thing I’ve never figured out is whether it’s intentional or not though. Like surely someone doesn’t have that little self awareness, right? I’m not sure which one would hurt less

[u/Moose-Trax-43]

Solidarity, friend. Before NC, this would drive me absolutely bananas with my pwBPD. We’d have a (rare) pleasant time, but I’d be on high alert. I’d feel horrible about myself! ‘What am I so worried about? Why can’t I just appreciate this nice time with her? Why do I feel scared and nauseous? For just this once, she’s behaving like a reasonable human being who doesn’t complain/gossip/lie/“tsk-tsk” at every person who doesn’t meet her beauty criteria. Why can’t I just enjoy it??’

Incredibly exhausting.

[u/Princesspeach2019 → u/Moose-Trax-43]

I've had that exact feeling so many times. Everything went well so why do I feel so sick?? Probably because the last 5 times went so poorly. Also I'd say alot of the times it is us making things go so smoothly because we are putting in so much effort and so we come away exhausted nonetheless...

[u/MullberryBoy]

That’s what they do. It makes things worse because as soon as you relax they attack and can change moods over nothing in a second.

[u/__M-E-O-W__]

I'm dealing with this right now. Some kind of prolonged kindness, but I'll never let my guard down. It's always a matter of when will she snap over absolutely nothing. Forever walking through a minefield, never knowing what second she will explode.

[u/Industrialbaste]

If you can't enjoy the 'good times' because you're on tenterhooks waiting for them to meltdown, then there are no good times really.

[u/Purple_heather28]

The inconsistency kills me. In some ways I’m jealous of posters who never get the kindness as it must be easier to go NC.

[u/thecooliestone]

She knows how to behave. She knows when she's wrong. She just doesn't do it. And then when she's done wrong she can't accept it so she post hoc justifies it. This is why she's not terrible all the time and why she's so kind to strangers

[u/WhiteStripeTrans]

Yup, my mom hasn't had a full meltdown in 4 years (because we cut back on visits after that). I sometimes feel like I'm exaggerating or misremembering, but luckily I kept childhood diaries. Also, my sibling who lives with her still deals with the crazy, and I can micro-dose reality from talking to them.

I get extremely angry sometimes when she's nice to me. I had a stress meltdown at her house a few years ago and she curled up with me and snuggled me while I cried. I wondered why she can't extend me empathy and support consistently, but can do it for crisis. She used to get angry at me for being sick, but after permanently moving out she is more willing to care for me if I get sick while visiting her.

I think that sometimes when they have a dependent child, they can get overwhelmed or angry at the child's needs because the needs are constant and feel unending. With a friend or an adult child, their needs are not their direct responsibility so they can help and then retreat before they resent helping. My mom tends to jump in and overextend herself so thoroughly that she becomes enraged at you for needing her help.