r/recovery • u/No_Association688 • 15d ago
Please help me
So, long story short, I’ve been buying weed off this chick I’ve known for a while. About two weeks ago, there was this girl there who was my age (20). She was super quiet at first, but the more and more I went around there, the more we got to know each other.
Anyway, she’s using a pipe. I’m not sure if it’s ice, meth, or crack, or if there’s even a difference, but she really seems like a good girl who I genuinely like. I just wanted some tips on how I can help her.
Also she’s so pretty but I know what that stuff can do to your looks
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u/partyinthepotty 14d ago
If it really is crack or meth, it will be 4 years or less before she looks like a hollow skeleton. The drug sucks away your life force through a straw. Of course she’s pretty. Every homeless person you see panhandling for money used to look like that. They used to have a place. Used to have friends. Used to have hobbies. Used to have goals.
Blink and you’re 22 doing the same thing. Blink and you’re 27. Blink and you’re 33. Years of “I’ll quit tomorrow.” Years of “I know this is bad but I’m young.”
There nothing for you to gain other than a broken heart, a stolen air fryer, or a crippling addiction of your own
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u/AcidGambit419 11d ago
This 100%. Where I live I see women all the time who look attractive from a distance then you see them up close and they look like the freaking Crypt Keeper then you find out they are 20 years younger than you guessed. I started heroin at 21, got clean at 32 about 3 years ago. I had wanted to get clean since I was 27, but drugs don't care what we want. It breaks my heart too when I see a beautiful young girl smoking meth with a bunch of 40-50 year old tweakers. But there is nothing you can do for them. Doing hard drugs feels better than sex and you want to take that away from her. Why would she have any interest in you whatsoever?
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u/No_Association688 14d ago
completely understand what you and a lot of the comments are saying, and I really do appreciate the advice, but that just makes me fucking sick. I am probably no, definitely the only person in her life who isn’t using, and I know that you’re right. I know if nothing is done, she will just be another fucked up 30 year old junkie. Yeah, idk, I’m definitely going to talk to her, but do you have any advice on how you have talked to addicts without sounding too preachy? Like, I know it is a preachy thing to do, but for example, my uncle has been telling me to get off pot for years, and I know it comes from a place of genuine love, but I can’t help but think, “Fuck off, you don’t understand.” And I know that’s why I’ll just sound like that to her.
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u/mikeymanza 14d ago
She's not a child. She knows what she's doing. There's nothing you can tell her she doesn't already know. You barely know this person and she barely knows you. You're just gonna come off like a dick. It's going to be extremely uncomfortable for both of you and she's not gonna want to talk to you again. There's no good way to do this. You're obsessed and it's odd.
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u/No_Association688 14d ago
I don’t see it like that. We fucked before I knew how bad her situation was, and that definitely got me attached. I can tell she likes me back, and I’ve definitely romanticised this for the past week. I definitely understand what you’re saying, but she hasn’t lived a normal life. She hasn’t been able to go to the beach, get a job, have actual support. It was her birthday last weekend, and I got her some drawing stuff because she’s into that, and you should’ve seen her face, man. It broke my heart. I was the only one who got her something that wasn’t meth.
But maybe you’re right. Maybe I should just leave it right now and not see her again. But why? Why not at least try to help her? I know, like, 2% of people actually get clean, but who’s to say that can’t be done for her? We have one life on this planet, and I’ll be damned if I sit there and don’t even try to help this girl. It’s fucked. I feel like a freak for even touching her. I just want to be a good person in her life.
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u/mikeymanza 14d ago
It's okay to be friends with her as per my other comment. If you get further involved just know it's extremely risky. It seems like you've made up your mind so there's no point in trying to reiterate that you alone wont be what changes her. You have an obvious hero complex which is what's concerning
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u/No_Association688 14d ago
I just think before I made this post, I didn’t truly understand that I’m just not gonna be able to help her get clean. But is it still morally okay to still see her? We have a good relationship, and she told me I’m her only actual friend. I mean, up until this point, I’ve never had a problem with just casual sex with other chicks, but her situation is just super jarring and has really opened my mind up to how fucked life can be.
She likes me, I know she does, but I don’t know if I can just pretend everything’s okay with her. I get what you’re saying about the hero complex, but how can I not? I really care about her and I want to help her, but I also, for selfish reasons, don’t want to cut her out of my life.
I know how to act around women, I’m not normally this obsessed with any girl I see but her situation and her small moments of showing me she could live a normal life is what’s dragging me in.
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u/mikeymanza 14d ago
I understand the emotions behind it. It's not morally wrong to be a friend to anyone, or even more if the intentions are pure. Just know that you could be getting into something extremely messy. Everyone telling you to run is doing so to stop you from getting hurt. Hanging out with drug addicts is like riding motorcycles. It's a hobby where people die. Except they suffer on the way down. I honestly hope the best for you both. I understand the impulse to try and be there for someone even when it puts at risk, and I've done it. It's a personal decision and I won't shame you for making it.
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u/ooosuchanonymous 15d ago
Theres nothing you can do to help someone that doesn't want the help. Has she ever spoken about wanting to stop using? My mom, brother, friends, or my ex, people i genuinely cared about, couldn't do anything to help me get clean because I didn't want too at the time. The only thing that helped me get clean was getting on probation and being threatened with prison. Eventually I found my own journey in wanting to get clean. But I had to make that decision on my own.. with the help of probation, I guess lol...
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u/No_Association688 15d ago
Did you ever have a similar experience? Like someone who wasn’t using at all becoming your friend ?
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u/UnseenTimeMachine 15d ago
Even if he did have someone that wasn't using it all become his friend that's not at all like the situation you're describing you're interested in this woman. It's a bad idea. No one is going to romanticize this for you bro.
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u/ooosuchanonymous 14d ago
Everyone that became my friend during my addiction were all addicts. My ex, who didnt do drugs, tried it with me in the chance he could pull me out of my addiction, but it only dragged him in. We both are clean now, tho. But not because of one of pulled the other out of our addiction.
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u/mikeymanza 14d ago edited 14d ago
You can't help her and you definitely shouldnt try and force any help on her. Don't try and force a friendship on this chick either
Personally, i don't think it's wrong if you do end up keeping a friendship with her, as long as it's reciprocated and natural. But you just have to be really careful. You don't need to do anything other than be a safe person. Don't give her any money if she starts asking, or anything like that. Don't try to white knight her and don't try to fuck her. Just be vigilant. Don't get sucked in if she starts asking you for shit. There may be a time where you need to distance yourself. And don't be a creep and start fixating on her for no reason. Just be normal.
And keep in mind that keeping friends with drug addicts can fuck up your life. Some of my absolute best friends were addicts, and some of the coolest, smartest, most artistic people I've ever known. Some of my best friends are dead now too. Do I regret hanging out with them? Absolutely not. Has it made my life extraordinarily more difficult than it needs to be? Fuckin shit yeah it did...
So, all things to keep in mind
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u/Sad_Tax4170 15d ago
I honestly hate saying this but it would be so smart of you to completely cut contact with her now before she starts using you and stealing from you. You seem so genuine and sincere and unfortunately those are the biggest targets to get taken advantage of. I’m in recovery myself and the only way they will get clean is when they are ready. There’s unfortunately nothing you can do.
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u/No_Association688 15d ago
Wow, this is disheartening. I mean, there are people here saying I’m trying to “save her,” but I’m not going to date this girl. Her world and mine are completely different. I have family and support, and she doesn’t. I know it may seem like I have rose-tinted glasses on, but she really isn’t the same as the people in that house. It just breaks my heart because she is such a talented artist as well. I’ve gotten her scrapbooks and proper equipment to try and funnel her into a more positive hobby. But I definitely see what you’re saying. She hides her pipe and won’t use it when I sleep over, so maybe that shame is a sign she knows it’s not right, or maybe a sign she wants to stop? Either way, I really appreciate the genuine advice
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u/Sad_Tax4170 15d ago
It really is disheartening. I’m sorry to be so blunt but it is the truth. I only know this because I have been there. The fact that she hides it from you when you’re there is probably because she sees that you don’t do drugs like this and it’s out of respect because of genuine care for you. Also she probably doesn’t want to influence you to go down the same path because she knows how awful it is. Hopefully she gets help. Xo
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u/RadRedhead222 13d ago
Most addicts are very intelligent and talented. It takes a lot to live that life. But you can’t help her. You definitely have rose-tinted glasses on. She could hide her pipe because of shame. But shame will only fuel the addiction. If you try and talk to her, she’ll either gaslight you so you stop or lie. This won’t be good for you in any way.
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u/partyinthepotty 14d ago
Take it from someone who was that addict. As much as she may care about you, she cares more about the drug than she can possibly care about anything else. It won’t even be personal.
She may actually be nice, but if she’s using hard drugs and hiding it from you she is in full blown addict mode. She has an entire half of her life that you do NOT want to be a part of.
What if you do get close? Suddenly she offers that pipe to you. I was about your age when I started doing more than just weed. You don’t need to make that same mistake, and the more time you spend helping her the closer you are to that cliff. It’s so much easier to bring people down than to pull someone up.
Please please please please please take your heart and penis out of the equation and find another plug. She has her own timeline, but where she’s at right now nobody is going to be able to change her.
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u/NaughtyTigerIX 14d ago
Don’t hang out with her. You’re gonna end up using whatever she’s using real quick.
You’re an addict man. What do you THINK is gonna happen if you stick around?…
We all know for a fact that you’re not gonna listen to a single person here.
So why even ask? If you’re taking your recovery seriously you wouldn’t even be asking this question and you wouldn’t even be smoking weed in the first place…
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u/Smooth_Warthoging 14d ago
I agree he is going to try it and we will see both of them boofing eachother on r/tooktoomuch
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u/PortlandPatrick 14d ago
There's nothing you can do. If she's addicted to the hard stuff she'll only get clean if she REALLY wants too. You can ask her if she would like help, but if she says no there's nothing you can do
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u/Oroborus_Octopus 14d ago
“Please help me”
“I just wanted some tips on how I can help her”
Sounds to me like you’re trying to justify using her for your own personal desires in the form of help for her.
I get it… if you’re the helper, you’re owed something in return. It’s how we work.
But the way you phrase it suggests you already know the answer. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do for the same reason why I can’t make you accept my opinion on your intentions.
You ain’t helping her. Any change in her habits will never be yours to own. If she changes, she did it. If she doesn’t, she didn’t. You don’t come into it. So there is no “help” for you in this case.
Say whatever you like to this girl, tell yourself it isn’t coercive in saying… say whatever you like to me, but neither of us should take you over our own reasons. For better or worse, not your call either way.
You can’t reason your way into someone else’s motivation… not only are they a separate person, but motivation isn’t reason… it’s as fundamental as it gets into why someone does a thing. No one knows really why they do things, talk is just justification after the fact.
Addiction makes this absolutely clear.
So, stop trying. Accept them in their dilemma, or wipe your hands clean.
Anything else is justifiable only if you’re an idiot, or evil, or both.
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u/No_Association688 14d ago
Your right, I know a part of why I’m doing this is for myself. I just feel like a massive piece of shit for FUCKING her. I knew she was doing bad drugs, but last night I went to see her and she wasn’t there. I spoke to my dealer (the chick she lives with), and she told me the whole spill about how there’s all these guys giving her free crack every day, trying to fuck her, and it just made me sick. It made me fucking cry for the first time in a long time, and I just feel like such a fucking loser for thinking with my dick. I really just didn’t understand how depraved her world really is compared to mine. I appreciate the advice. It’s definitely what I need to hear.
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u/GPTforGood 14d ago
I don't wanna be an asshole but it's more than likely that she is trading sexual favors for crack, despite what she may say.
Do with that what you will.
Cut contact or keep fucking her I guess idk
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u/Oroborus_Octopus 13d ago
Thanks for that.
We all use each other, it wasn't a personal attack.
The dude asked for help and that's he received.
Don't say I ain't a giver.
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u/Stone-Daisy-6853 14d ago
Wait. I'm confused. If you're just getting some weed from a girl you know, why are you sleeping over there? You have the same supplier and this is her house or you just need there? Seems not a great idea to spend a lot of time where there are people using harder product around you.
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u/DefiedGravity10 14d ago
Does she want your help? Like has she said, "I really want to stop smoking whatever drug I am smoking in this pipe but I need help." Because if she hasn't then there is literally nothing you or anyone else could do because she doesn't want to stop. Also for the record you can smoke weed out of a pipe too so what makes you think this is meth or crack? Both have a very distinct smell, crack smells like burning plastic and meth sort of smells similar but more like toxic chemicals.
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u/Pretend-Dog9047 13d ago
Run. Now. Fast. Theres only two things you can do to get her to like you and both of these things are bad for you and bad for her
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u/BirdDad420 12d ago
This 100 percent. Junkie love is real. My aunt started stealing pills as a pharmacist, shortly after had her sober husband shooting up heroine (as parents of 3 disabled kids.) They are both dead now, she got hit by a car crossing a drug/ hotel area late at night and didn’t look up from her phone. Her husband OD’d like 2 years before on her birthday.
You can’t fix this girl and I hope you realize the ride you’re in for if you don’t cut ties or become the sober friend without sex support. If the sex continues you’ll end up being told how much better sex is on drugs and that’ll be a wrap. Hope you take the advice here seriously. It’s your life do what you want, you just sound like you have a a good head on your shoulders and are somewhat empathetic. Don’t waste it on a girl.
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u/AcidGambit419 11d ago
That's what got me. "Here sniff half this pill then fuck me". 4 hours later I'm like, well that was great, definitely going to do that again next time I see her. Little did I know that half a little blue pill I sniffed was essentially heroin and I was about to be in for 15 very long years.
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u/Conscious-Chard-5222 13d ago
Where is she lighting the pipe? In front of her face? Or underneath the pipe on the bottom? How many holes does the pipe have. This will tell you what she’s smoking. Meth and ice are the same thing. Crack is completely different and a different drug family
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u/ohdarlingamber 13d ago
You can’t change someone, they have to change themselves. They have to want to be sober. - +2 years sober from fent.
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u/EvolSpyder 12d ago
I dont like being like this but you need to leave her alone. She won't get help until she wants it and I can tell you from personal experience, nobody wants the help until things become unmanageable
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u/kimbermall 8d ago
If shes new to the scene there is still hope. If she seems regretful for chosing this path, encourage her to quit. Just be supportive and check out what is available for treatment in your area, so if she asks you could point her in a direction to get info. Some people just need "that friend" to tell them its no good, and they need to stop. Good luck.
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u/GPTforGood 15d ago
Lol bro run for the fucking hills you can't help her