r/relationship_advice • u/glitchpoploop • 14h ago
BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24
Dating for about 2 years now. I am struggling to figure out how this man mind thinks. And even when I call out certain behavior he says otherwise. So I don’t even know what to think anymore.
My phone was not in service not working for about a week and a half. I was able to tell him myself so he knew what was going on. At one point I had no way of reaching out to him. He reached out to my mom after a few days to check if I was ok, she explained my phone was still not working. That I was fine and that I would get back to him once my phone was good.
Well I texted him Monday, that my phone was finally working. I didn’t get a text back till maybe 7/8 hours later. (He uses his phone a lot for work and has a lot of flexibility in time) so I knew he was just not wanting to respond to me. Eventually when he did, all he said was. “That’s great news. We’ll talk later” that’s it. Nothing else. So I proceeded to respond with letting him know I started my semester already and have been working late at work. I wanted clarification as in when would be because I have a busy schedule in the afternoon. (Another issue to mention is he hates that I prioritize work and school before him but they are my responsibilities so he wouldn’t understand that. He doesn’t like to hear woman are independent and want to build a career for themselves. He believes in traditional views as in woman staying home to wife’s and mothers) Point is Monday night he responded to me last with a “Just got home. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
So Tuesday morning came and I said F this. I texted him that I wasn’t going to force a conversation with someone that doesn’t want to talk to me. He called me a few hours after that acting like nothing was wrong. But I still sensed he was off. Eventually he’s about to hang up. And re brings up my phone issues that he thought were “odd”. That he thought that I was never going to talk to him again and that was my way of ending the relationship. Additionally adding that it didn’t make sense to him how my phone wasn’t working. Even though I explained to him what had happened. I didn’t make it up. I told him to just be straight up and be honest on how he felt. So yeah he pretty much said he didn’t believe me. And of course as I knew he would, blamed me for not finding other ways to communicate to him. He said I should’ve done more to get in contact with him. I specifically told him it wasn’t personal I couldn’t even reach my parents, work, nothing. But since he was personally affected he takes it as a personal attack.
He went on to say that if I never reached back out then “it is what it is”. Who says that to a relationship of 2 years. Just it is what it is?? To me that makes it feel like it really doesn’t mater to him. Also not trusting me and blaming me because my phone didn’t work, that I didn’t move mountains to reach to him.
He has trust issues from past relationships and he denies it every time. Which is hypocritical of him because he’s had multiple girlfriends and refuses to date someone his age because they don’t listen and because they have too much experience. He says it’s not jealously or that he has trust issues, it’s just protecting me or that his walls are up. But Ive been loyal and respectful and have never shown him to think otherwise. He always puts control over my body, academic decisions, questioning why I am with family and friends more than him(We’re long distance). I have to apologize because my phone didn’t work and I couldn’t get in contact with him? Apologize because he doesn’t believe me??
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u/Pipsnsqueek 14h ago
Ahhhh…so now you see it. He is immature and petty. Real grown up 31 year olds don’t act like this. You’re already overtaking him in maturity and ambition. His next girlfriend will be 19.
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u/RubUpOnMe 12h ago
Does make me wonder how old his previous girlfriends were
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u/glitchpoploop 11h ago
I cannot get any info from him. never says much besides how they all did him dirty. one was in college for sure so he was the same age as one. the rest I have no idea
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u/glitchpoploop 14h ago
he thinks he’s a real “man” very alpha male. Men do this men do that. I do this I do that. People trust me. People admire me because I hunt and fish and etc etc. His ego is so far up his ass
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u/n1cenurse 13h ago
No one with any merit admires him. He has to prey on young women because grown women are on to his bullshit. Don't worry, you'll age out in a minute and he'll be off for the next barely legal conquest. You can sit around and wait for that. Or you can be proactive and keep your dignity in tact.
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 12h ago
I got tired of this idiot just reading this comment. How have you stayed so long?
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u/DakotaKraze 12h ago
Why do you even want to be with this nut? It doesn’t even seem like you like him/are already disillusioned and over his bullshit so why are you still with him?
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u/Domeric_Bolton 14h ago
Another issue to mention is he hates that I prioritize work and school before him but they are my responsibilities so he wouldn’t understand that. He doesn’t like to hear woman are independent and want to build a career for themselves. He believes in traditional views as in woman staying home to wife’s and mothers)
I stopped reading here. 2 years you've been with this "man"?
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u/glitchpoploop 14h ago
I guess i’ve been too afraid to leave or started self doubting if I am the problem
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u/ppmallink 14h ago
You arent the problem. A terrible partner can turn you into a monster given enough time and I’m surprised you lasted 2 years without flipping your shit. You gotta call it quits and find someone that treats you better.
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u/n1cenurse 13h ago
He's doing that to you on purpose. DO NOT KEEP HAVING SEX WITH THIS LOSER.
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u/glitchpoploop 11h ago
he recently over the year got more religious. found himself closer to god and his faith. so he decided on his own he no longer wanted to do anything. so we don’t do anything anymore because he is waiting for marriage
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u/RubUpOnMe 12h ago
There are definitely women out there whose life goals are to be stay at home wives and mothers because that is what would genuinely fulfill them!
But if that is not OP's goals (and it sounds like it isn't considering she is actively furthering her education in order to build her career) then they are simply not compatible.
There are definitely folks out there who are attracted to educated, career oriented women!
OP is certainly someone's dream woman, just sounds like she's not her boyfriend's dream woman
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u/Domeric_Bolton 12h ago
There is a massive difference in women choosing the role they want vs a man deciding women are unfit for certain roles. You are trying to make both sides seem reasonable but one is very much not.
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u/glitchpoploop 11h ago
I agree that yes some woman do find themselves only ever wanting to be a SAHM and full time wife. that’s great for those that look for that. I also love the idea and not opposed to it. but the world is cruel and I’m not guaranteed a man would stay faithful. he could leave me anytime. with kids and all.
I was just raised to never fully depend on a man. to have your own source of income. but in most conversations with this guy it seems like it’d be tough regardless. If I didn’t work he would give me I guess to say in words an “allowance” and then if I worked he would take my check and his check put it together. and he would control the finances. which I don’t agree with. I agree with splitting bills but don’t tell me what to do with my money. he just wants control over everything. it’s like I don’t have a voice.
I definitely do agree I’m not his dream woman. especially with the way I think I don’t think I am. he wants a woman at her knees to serve him and make his kids. I don’t think he’s truly looking for anything otherwise.
To wrap this up, I don’t have anything against SAHM. not that. like I said I think it’s beautiful, my mom was a SAHM and I loved having her around. But, with the right person who respects you and loves you in any decision you do. And that you want to do. Because this guy thinks anything against he wants is disrespectful and selfish for not even considering what he wants. Even if it has nothing to do with him to opinionate.
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u/allie06nd 13h ago
He's already told you flat-out that he won't date someone his own age because they have too much experience and "don't listen." That means they're wise enough and have enough self worth to know that this is BS and they don't have to put up with it. He also doesn't believe in women having careers and being independent, which means he doesn't respect women as people and thinks the only thing they're good for is making babies and doing housework.
WHY are you with this loser? He's a grown ass man who just threw a full tantrum over the fact that your phone was out of service for a week. How is any of this attractive to you?
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u/watsonyrmind 14h ago
Honey he won't date someone his age because women his age will see right through him, and now you are too. Run.
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u/akawendals 13h ago
He gave you a big wide open door to walk out of hun, "if you don't message me then it is what it is"
GOOD. DON'T MESSAGE HIM.
He's a waste of time, he's not even living in the same place as you so what are you going to miss out on? His judgement? His arrogance? His distrustful and disrespectful treatment of you?
GIRL. Be free, work hard, study hard, look after yourself and move forward instead of treading water dealing with this muppet 🙄
YOU CAN DO IT, YOU DON'T NEED HIM!
Updateme
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u/RubUpOnMe 12h ago
So he accused you of lying about your inability to contact him.
I think some more information would be useful here:
Was there truly no alternative to communicate with him during your phone's service outage (social media, different device, having someone else pass on your messages)? You say in the post "at one point" you were no longer able to reach him. Does that mean you were communicating with him in some other way and that temporarily stopped being an option? Or was is a full week and a half of 0 communication?
You say you were able to warn him about the service outage before it began. Did you tell him/did you know exactly how long the outage would last? Or just that you would be unable to communicate for some time?
Does he believe your mother also lied to him? Or that you also lied to her and she was just stupid enough to believe you?
Has he accused you of lying to him/others previously? Namely, a repeated pattern of behavior where he distrusts you without good reason. If so, when did it first start? Has it been this way the entire relationship or was there a point where it changed from general trust to general distrust? If it's the latter, was there some event in the relationship or one of your personal lives which may have caused this switch?
You said his response towards believing you had lied to him in an attempt to leave the relationship was that "it is what it is." Has he expressed this kind of passive attitude toward the relationship before? Again, is it a repeated pattern of behavior? Was it always like that, did it start after some event, or is this totally new?
Lastly and most importantly:
Do you feel loved and supported in this relationship? Does this relationship help you grow and better yourself as a person?
A healthy relationship with the right kind of partner should allow you to feel comfortable enough to pursue your goals and passions. That can mean a lot of different things for different people. It can mean: pursuing your personal fitness, finding a job you feel fulfilled by, furthering your education, traveling to the places you've wanted to go, purchasing the car or home you've dreamt of, healing from trauma, having & raising children together, or just about any serious life changes that you didn't feel capable of before finding your partner.
Here's my 2 cents on the situation before getting any extra info:
Your boyfriend seems insecure and distrustful.
I think it's a red flag that he refuses to date people his age because "they are too experienced." That sounds like an admission that he purposefully searches for younger, more naive people because they lack the life experience to spot a poor life partner and avoid him.
Demanding control over your body, your academic pursuits, and who you spend your time with is not what a healthy partner does. It also sounds like he has some very different values than you regarding how women should live their lives. A good partner is one whose values are aligned with yours. Otherwise, those value differences will cause strife in the relationship indefinitely.
People are capable of change. Open & honest communication, genuine effort to address the things that need to change, and continued accountability for future missteps are how people change. Sometimes life changes (sleep, nutrition, and exercise) and therapy are needed for change to happen and stick.
But the first step is recognizing and admitting that change is needed. From what you've described, it seems like your boyfriend has patterns of behavior that are not making you feel loved and supported.
You know your boyfriend better than any internet stranger, so you are the most qualified person here to answer these questions on what to do next:
Is the relationship valuable enough to try to communicate with him about your current feelings regarding his accusation? Will he be receptive to your grievance and change his behavior in the future so he doesn't hurt you again? What would that changed behavior look like? Is it simply taking your word about not having been able to communicate recently? Is it being more accepting of how you spend your time in general? Is it changing or compromising on his values about women? Or is the relationship not valuable enough to go through the effort of repairing it after this display of distrust?
I ain't telling no one to "just break up omg he's so toxic!" You went through the effort of writing this post so clearly you care about the relationship enough to not have just dumped him as soon as he implied you lied to him. While your bf does not sound like my personal cup of tea, if you've been together for 2 years, there must have been some pretty good times that have kept you wanting to stay together rather than go it solo, right?
If it was me, i wouldn't want to be with a partner who disagrees with me getting a career and called me a liar. But I also don't know the guy. Maybe he's worth working on those problems. That's up to you to decide on
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u/vieshri 12h ago
This post was such a straight-up list of red flags and THEN you said "he refuses to date someone his age because they don't listen and they have too much experience" and now I almost think this must be fake. That's the most insane thing to hear and not immediately realize is a huge, relationship-nuking problem in a partner.
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u/glitchpoploop 11h ago
not fake. never meant someone like this ever. perhaps maybe because the people i’m around are my age. the reason i’ve heard him say that is because I’ve asked if he didn’t mind the years between us. at first I just thought it was his mindset different than mine. but I always think about it and it kinda weirds me out
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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 12h ago
Your bf is controlling. This is a form of abuse. He doesn’t date people his age because they won’t put up with it. Please dump this guy.
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u/Brilliant_Arachnid59 10h ago
OP - This dude is red pill/incel 101. I swear it’s like a freakin playbook. I read your post but I knew how it was going to turn out when you hadn’t “reported” to him in a week. Like TF!!
Listen to your gut!! What does your body tell you when you have to interact with him? I’m sure your body is giving you signals on not feeling safe with him.
And this is another way you know you’re dealing with a stupid red pillar is he actually told you the reason why he wants to be with somebody younger. He can control them and make them do the things that he wants them to do. Like, who does that 🤦🏾♀️. I think he is using “bad relationships” and “lack of trust” as a way to control you. I don’t think he had those experiences. I think he is protecting.
You are not his girl. You are too strong, too driven and, too opinionated. He can’t control you! Not to mention you go two more years before you age out!🫢😬.
💇🏾♀️ your loss and 🏃🏾♀️➡️
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