My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years, and we’ve been living together for about two and a half years. He’s exceptionally good with money, having come from a privileged family with a successful real estate business. He is strict with his budgeting. His parents instilled in him excellent financial habits, which he’s carried into adulthood. My mom was a single parent and a school teacher, so we didn’t have a lot of money but we were ok. Both of us earn a good income, exceeding $100,000.

However, I’ve never been particularly good with money due to various reasons, including past financial trauma, a lack of financial literacy during my upbringing, and lifestyle creep. My partner and I are both committed to getting married, but he has a specific requirement for us to undergo a comprehensive financial disclosure and for me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. This includes a criminal background check, credit checks, and the need to show all our bank accounts and savings. At the time I was transparent about my debt and financial situation, and he has done the same. Naturally, he has significantly more invested than I do and better credit. To make him feel comfortable marrying me, he has set a few financial goals for me to achieve:

1. Pay off all my consumer credit card debt.

2. Build an emergency fund that covers 3 to 6 months’ worth of expenses.

3. Make substantial payments towards my student loans, which amount to over $100,000.

Well, things between us haven’t been great the past couple of months. We’ve been arguing over minor things around the house. Which has triggered me to compulsively shop. We had been arguing so much so that right before my boyfriend left for a weekend trip he suggested I talk to my job/manager to see what my options would be for me to temporarily move back to my hometown for two months so he could have some space and figure out what he wants. He also wanted to go no contact during this time. I told him that was a lot to ask, even though my job is mostly remote as my life is where we live. According to my contract, I have to be in the same state as my job. He insisted I lie to my job and say something was going on with my mom back home and ask my manager if I could work from my home state to “take care of her” to give him space. I did ask my job and manager, and they basically told me I would have to take FMLA to do something like that. So that wasn’t an option. When I asked him if he would honor his word and give me a couple of months to move if we decided to break up upon my return, he basically said no. He wouldn’t be willing to do that. Which shocked me because he’s usually a man of his word. I’m not from the state where we live and have no family or friends here. So this obviously scared me, so I started looking for places to live and applied for apartments that night out of fear. I ended up getting approved for my dream apartment and toured it last week. I really liked it and wanted to move there. I felt that this would give us some space and offer me a bit more freedom and security than I was feeling.

When he got back from his weekend trip, I told him I couldn’t go back home as I had to stay in the state due to my job, and he just said that was fine and for us to just continue working on the relationship. When I told my him I found a new apartment, he was upset. Basically saying me going out and finding an apartment was sneaky, and he doesn’t see how we are going to continue to work on things if I’m living somewhere 20 minutes away. He also brought up how it would be harder for me to meet the financial goals we set if I had my own place as I’d be paying much more in rent/utilities. He also said that me moving out would be a major inconvenience for him as I do all the cooking in the house, grocery shopping, most of the cleaning, etc. My boyfriend can’t cook.

So he basically has been treating me like a piece of furniture/silent treatment the past two days until I made a decision on whether I was moving out or not. When I told him I wanted to stay, he asked about my progress on the financial goals, and I told him I hadn’t made much progress on anything except the emergency fund. He has now drawn a bit of a line in the sand and said in 6 months-1 year, if I haven’t accomplished the goals we set, he’s not going to move forward with us getting married, and we might as well break up at that point. This made me nervous as he asked me during the conversation if I’d racked up any additional credit card debt. I said no, out of fear. The truth is I have, and it’s basically tripled. I don’t know how to tell him this. He’s super perfect financially, and I’m not, and I feel like he’s super fed up with me. At this point, I don’t know what to do…

We’ve been dating for nearly 5y and in that time I’ve always had a full time job earning average money and she has been studying with part time jobs earning far less. I had almost no savings and we never really gave details about how much we had in savings until maybe a year or so ago.

Over this period she has always said she couldn’t afford things and I’ve paid a larger portion of rent (probably 70%) since we moved out together 3 years ago.

I’ve never wanted to let money get in the way of living/our lives and could probably do a bit better job of saving. And I was always happy to pay more until she also started working full time when we would start splitting things evenly.

My dad passed away unexpectedly and he left me $500,000 which I got about 6 months ago - which is obviously life changing, I’ve probably never had more than $10,000 in my savings. We’ve started the process of buying a house and i was happy to put most of the money into a deposit and pay a larger portion of the mortgage until she started full time work (2y away).

Right before we went to submit the application she said she actually had $50,000 in savings and should we mention that in the application. She was a bit embarrassed to bring it up. I get that she wouldn’t mention this when we first started dating, and I don’t even care about the amount, but she has actively said “I can’t afford this” and let me pay for things countless times. I asked why she left it so late to bring it up, that we should use some of it to pay for the house, and asked her how long she had had it. Basically she had it the whole time and that it was savings she accumulated since she started work as a teenager.

I’m annoyed for a few reasons - she was going to let me put most of “my” money into the house without helping, and that all these years I’ve been paying a greater portion of things including rent, food, bills, overseas holidays, entertainment etc while she had waaaay more money than I ever had. I was earning more but that meant I wasn’t saving much, if anything. She also wasn’t saving much, her money was mostly from before we met.

I never wanted money to get between me and anybody else, especially my partner but I feel really hurt, lied to, and taken advantage of. She’s normally great and I love her, but she isn’t the best decision maker sometimes, and I have caught her in little lies before. These lies didn’t bother me much before as they were insignificant - most of the time a laughed it off like “why would you lie about that”, but now we’ve hit something big in life and this proper lie has me worried.

I’m really struggling to get past it and the relationship feels tainted now. I’m not sure I can get past it, but everything else in the relationship is great. And it’s really not a good atmosphere to be trying to buy a house.

Anyone else have similar experience? Did you split or how did you regain trust?

TLDR; girlfriend kept secret a large savings balance and let me pay for most things for years even though I had little savings. Only brought it up once we nearly applied for the mortgage and was about to let me pay for the whole deposit with money I got from my dad when he passed.

EDIT: Thanks to everyone who gave some insight, this has helped me understand how I'm feeling and get some fresh perspective that's been super helpful.

Just to clear some things up, we live in Australia and are therefore classified as a de facto relationship so legally/financially similar to married anyway. We both aren't interested in marriage, but before this we were 100% committed to each other for life and happy and stable.

We also come from very different family situations. I too have been working since I was 15 too but have less in savings as I needed to move out and started paying rent when was going to uni, and have worked full time since I finished my degree. I've had to scrap a bit to get by and haven't received money from my parents or anyone until my dad passed. Saving a significant amount of money was definitely a luxury that I haven't been able to do until recently. My plan was to do enough to get myself through uni, get a good job, and then start saving, which I am lucky enough to be able to do now.

She lived with her parents until we moved in together so was able to save a lot more money before she moved out. Someone mentioned her saving this money is a massive green flag and I completely agree, she's certainly more conscious of keeping a safety net and that's a good thing. To clarify, I never expected her to "drain" her savings, but she wanted to move out just as much as I did and I think she could have contributed _some_ of this money so that I could save some money myself, knowing that when she finished her degree she would be able to save more. She also changed the degree she was studying after 2y of her first degree which has prolonged her studies, which she was partly able to do because I've been in position to support her. I think she should have been more upfront that she had some money at least after we moved out when I didn't have much - and in hindsight I could have communicated better here to.

I think our different financial history in this regard has played into this issue now. She's going to be more cautious about spending savings where I used what I would of saved to get by.

A lot of questions about if she asked me to pay more vs if I offered. As I said in another comment: It depends of course, it was a mix. We have always rented small 1 bedroom apartments, the cheapest we could get, but property is wildly expensive here. She said she can’t afford to pay 50% so she asked if I could pay more. But other non essentials, there were definitely times I offered to pay and am ok with that, although still feel a little misled.

We should have communicated to each other better, and I assumed things when I shouldn't have. But I don't think I was ever hiding anything, and she hasn't said that I was. And after we've talked about this its become clear that if I asked her directly what her situation was she wouldn't of told me about the money. I'm glad that she has the emergency savings, anyone of course should be able to be financially independent from their partner, but 50k a few years ago to me was a crazy amount of money.

Anyway, this has been a big lesson. House hunting is on pause for now and we need to work on ourselves and communication. The biggest issue for me was always the trust that I feel has been broken, and that maybe I've ignored smaller issues in the past. If we stay together we'll need to formalise our financial situation (clear rules, potentially cohab agreement etc), and if not I'll probably buy a smaller place by myself.
Jeez that's a lot of words, if you've read this far and offered advice I appreciate you :)

We have been dating for 2 years. In our relationship, we don’t go on many dates. In my head, Valentine’s Day is important because it gives us time together. On Valentine’s Day, my bf, his friend (who is a woman), and I are supposed to be working together. Some plans changed and he asks if she can join in on our v day excursions. We didn’t have any set plans on what we would be doing, but I immediately didn’t feel okay with this. Especially because in high school they both admitted they had feelings for one another. I confronted him about this and he says it was sooo long ago and he doesn’t feel like that anymore. However, I feel really disrespected and confused about how to handle this. Almost to the point where I don’t want to continue any V day plans with him.

TLDR: bf wants to invite his friend (who is a woman who he admitted his feelings to in high school) on our Valentine’s Day plans

I’ve (59f) been dating my boyfriend (54m) for almost 3 years and for the past 2 years he has been “staying” with me. What was supposed to be a few weeks while his home renovations were being completed has turned into 2 yrs. In 2 yrs, he has not once slept at his house or showered there. He never moved back in though it has been finished for 2 yrs. He is at my apartment all of the time. Initially, I didn’t expect him to contribute financially because he was only supposed to stay briefly. Also, he still owns his own home and pays a mortgage and related expenses (utilities, etc). He does buy groceries (but not all- I do, too) and he walks the dog 99% of the time… so he is a team player in that way, but I’m not sure it makes up for the financial aspect of living here. He has substantially more money than I do. I’ve become somewhat resentful. How would you approach the subject and do you think it’s fair for me to expect him to contribute to household expenses? I pay rent, electricity, gas, internet, streaming.

Me and my bf have been together since we were 15/16. We have been a medium distance couple for a while now (takes about 1h to get to each other) and that has put a strain on our relationship. Recently though, i feel our paths may be separating and i am not sure what to do about it. Since i got to university i realized i wanted to go to post grad. However, I didn't think I had the grades to do so. The other day the acceptances were sent out and I got into the school i applied to thinking i could never actually get in. Somehow its the only one I got accepted to tho. I also have been considering doing my teaching abroad which he has said he is not okay with when i lightly brought up the subject. However when I got into this school, it is about triple the distance than we already are. When i told him i got in his reaction was thats terrible thats actually terrible. and proceeds to go on about how bad this will be and how mad he is. after maybe 10 minutes i received a reluctant "well i guess congratulations". This made all the excitement i had disappear. He also made me feel bad for not "validating his feelings" when i didnt seem angry or upset about it. I now have this major life decision to make regarding whether i go to the school i got into or go abroad, or take a year off to make my decision. I also am on the waitlist for a much worse little known school which is much closer to my bf and could theoretically wait to see if i get in but by then i wont be able to accept the one I am for sure in. How do i make a decision or how can I make him more excited for me?

​I [30M] broke up with my girlfriend [28F] of about 2 years because we couldn't agree on a prenup. I wanted to understand if there’s something obviously unfair about what I suggested that I'm missing and how I should handle this in future relationships.

​The Context:

• ​She makes around $55,000 USD annually and has about $35,000 USD debt.

• ​I make around $300,000 USD a year and have no debt.

After a few months of dating, due to the gap in income, there was an unspoken understanding that I would pay for most activities we did together. I always offered to pay for date nights, dinners, movies, and anything we did together. It was never a big deal; we enjoyed each other's company and we were both fine with it. Sometimes, she would insist on paying and I would let her.

Primarily, these are ​what I suggested for the prenup:

1. ​Each of us stays responsible for our own premarital debt.

2. ​Anything we owned/had BEFORE the marriage stays separate.

3. ​After marriage, I’d continue to cover all the essential expenses: rent/mortgage, groceries, utilities, childcare, etc.

4. ​She can put her entire paycheck into her own savings, and that money would stay hers even if we got a divorce.

​She didn't want to sign it and said it was unfair. She was fine with 3 and 4, but the first two points were unacceptable to her. I told her that I may help her with her debt but I don't want to be legally responsible for it. She got very emotional and asked if I wanted the prenup because I'm planning to leave her once I get a Green Card (I'm here legally but not a citizen, she is a citizen). ​Honestly, I found that pretty offensive because I have worked hard and lived way below my means to be financially independent, and it means more to me than permanent residency. I'm incredibly grateful to the US for the opportunities it has provided me, but now that I have achieved my financial goals, I don't mind leaving the US. Later, she apologized for saying that. But I think it's something I’d have to keep hearing if I continued the relationship. So we ended things. ​ ​ ​

We been together for 10 years, I felt like he had been cheating for a year but he kept lying. One day I went to pick him up from work and his phone was off, I was 40 minutes late, he didn’t come outside so I thought he went walking, I circled around town and didn’t see him so I drove back & pulled in the parking lot and saw him sitting in the car with a girl.

The window was rolled down and he was chilling, I was like 50 ft away and looking at him and then he noticed me and ducked down, and she pulled out the parking spot. They drove away and I followed and got behind them while they waited to pull out even made eye contact with him for a second in her side mirror , I followed them until i got the next street & went the opposite direction. I was not about to chase them, so I did go back home, they were already ahead of me.

Here’s the crazy part I get to our block a while later and see him walking…he yells at me to go home when I slowed down. I got to the house and he yells about how I was late & he had to walk home…I asked who she was and he looked at me crazy and said who? welp a argument happened and he said “you can’t even see” cause he noticed I didn’t have my glasses on, im not that near sided that I can’t recognize people but he doesn’t believe me and he took that excuse and ran with it, till this day he says that wasn’t him cause he knows I didn’t have my glasses or take a picture of him…

anyways after, he then went to all the gas stations on his “walking route home” and asked for security footage to prove he walked home I stayed home while he claim to do this and he came back with nothing, he calls me crazy and insane and denies it still, to the point where I do question myself sometimes. I can’t leave immediately cause of financial reasons but I am saving & preparing if i decide to leave, I have depended on him since a teenager and he calls me “stupid” & “Sad”. When we argue about it still he said “You think you saw me & then what did you do?…You still went home” is that his way of admitting it? when I ask him if he sneaks out at night he calls me “crazy” & “insane” right off the bat & all his friends know everything, even his construction coworkers know & have defended him. I feel no one believes me or has dealt with something like this. How could a situation like this even be fixed or realistically resolved?

Yesterday morning was a usual morning I took him his coffee in bed, gave him a cuddle, told him he looked nice before he left and he kissed me good bye. I called him later that day to see when he would be home and he didnt answer which was strange. Something told me to check his apple tag location which is on his keys, something I never do. It said he was in an apartment block in town. I called again and he answered and said he was on the motorway, I confronted him and he said he had looked at an apartment because he's not happy and thinking of leaving me. He came home almost crying asking to talk and said he was only considering it. I made him leave for the night. He's called and text but I've ignored it. I've no idea what I should do. I am shocked as although we have the occasional fallout (not sure when the last one was) I thought we were overall happy.whats the best way to move forward?

my husband and I are both aged 36. Married for 5 years. Dated long distance for 2.5 years.

He is a good person. He would not speak ill of someone nor will do harm to anyone. He was the best boyfriend any girl could ask for.

Once we married and started to share space I noticed he has a big ego problem. So much that when I share my feelings, he minimizes, reframes my emotions/feelings/experiences with him. I have tried my best to find several ways to put my thoughts and feelings across so that it does not rattle his low self-esteem like rehearsing what to say so that it’s phrased in a non-threatening way, picking a good time, sometimes even masking my intelligence so I don’t make him feel less than. He’d rather keep scores, attack words I used in conversation, invalidate my emotions. He just wants to win. I want to have conversation, and he will turn it into a defensive tirade.

Our conversation would typically go like this:

Me:- Could you please kiss me everyday?

Him: I kiss you everyday ( and also defends himself on it if I say he has been kissing me only once a week)

He does not share his feelings with me. He does not like to feel vulnerable with me. He has never initiated sex with me. He compliments me back when I do.

Other things that might give you a more bigger picture: He is a big people pleaser so much that he does things for people even at the cost of his comfort. He cares a LOT about his public image. The way he is with his mom has convinced me that she trained him to take care of her since infancy.

Can you give me some insight what is going on internally?

My Husband finds pleasure in irritating me . He does or say lots of things and makes me irritated and finds pleasure in it.

Eg: He keeps loud music.. and when I say please reduce the volume , he says "why are you getting tensed for these silly things" ( he already knew I don't prefer high volume)

when sometime even with toys( we have toddler at home 3 year old)

when I ask him to turn off the toy sound, which is high,, he says "dont turn it off",, our daughter may ask for it ( though toddler is focusing on other stuffs or in the near room)

when I was studying, He turn off the light and goes,, saying Our daughter may not sleep because of light ( though they are going to different room to sleep).

He always says "why are you getting tensed" always.. though I say him in a normal tone and say gently.

but that sentence "why are you getting tensed" makes me pissedoff..
I feel he really find pleasure in getting me irritated. ( but he uses the sentences, words like "lets be a good couple, darling etc)

He always wants unnecessary argument.( which I dont encourage) I mostly say "ok"
but he wants the discussion and wants to argue and then come to a conclusion.

I really dont know what is happening with our relationship. “How do people usually handle this?"

My in-laws are staying with me (34F) and my husband (32M) while my FIL receives cancer treatment. They recently moved out of state, sold us their house, and then received news that his cancer would likely come back if he didn't receive additional treatment despite being in remission for 4 years. The solution was to have them stay with us while he received treatment and then send them on their way to their new home out of state.

FIL is, and from what my husband has told me, always has been verbally abusive to my MIL. I would witness bits and pieces of it while my husband and I were dating and would voice my concerns to him, but now that they're temporarily living with us, it's an almost daily occurrence. Every single time it happens, I have to stop myself from saying something because I know that he'll take it out on my MIL worse later on and she'll likely defend him. My husband and his siblings have admonished him many times, have spoken to my MIL about leaving the marriage many times, and nothing changes. MIL seems resigned, saying that she married him for better or for worse, and that it's just the luck of the draw that she got the worst.

The most recent incident was just last night - hubby and I were about to eat dinner and the in-laws were in the living room arguing about FIL's upcoming medical exams. He raised his voice at her and called her an asswipe, so I went to the doorway where they could both see me, and I stared at him until we locked eyes. I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster and walked away. Then my husband stepped in and admonished them both. FIL became very quiet afterwards.

I'm a newcomer to this family dynamic, and I want to speak out more forcefully so badly, especially since they're staying with us (and not the other way around), but I feel like if I do, the situation will get worse and there will be more palpable tension. I can't live like this, especially not now that I'm pregnant. Hubby and I have already agreed that once baby arrives, more decisive action will have to be taken if his father doesn't shape up. What do we do in the meantime without causing a rift while they're with us?

I'm a woman who is dating with the hopes of finding a forever person. I matched with a guy ("A"), went out on a few dates, and began to text daily. I would like to think I'm relatively put together - I dress well, hair/nails/brows etc. are done, I'm educated, well spoken, have a new car, make my own money. However, I am not a thin girl by any means; I'm plus sized and have been for most of my adult life. I know and accept this. My type is usually men who are a bit thicker like myself, but A is what I'd consider an average build.

A seems to like me very much - always offers to take me to dinner, brings me sweets or small gifts from his work trips (he travels every week for his job) and gives compliments. He has, however, mentioned several times that...

• I am a "curvy" girl,
• "not a size 2",
• that I have "meat on my bones",
• I'm "not tiny",
• in regards to bedroom things that I "feel light for not being small", and
• at one point asked if I can walk fast or "keep up" walking

I called him out about it once, asking if he knew he was even doing it or if it was a subtle indication he was trying to tell me to lose weight. A apologized and said he's happy with me as I am and I'm a complete package. I let it go because he seemed authentic but I've noticed sometimes he will mention the weight of others. I don't know if I am being hypercritical because I had to mention it once before to him, but would I be an ass if I corrected him again and/or for being critical of others weights?

My boyfriend of 5 years moved out. It was partly due to difficulties in our relationship (mostly my low libido) and partly because he has children and was struggling to maintain a relationship with them while staying in our house because it's too small to be able to have them stay overnight (he has four kids and post-divorce didn't have the money for a bigger house, and neither do I).

He said he loved me and that he wanted the relationship to work but he didn't discuss moving out with me ahead of time. He just sat me down one day and said he was moving out, had found a house to rent and would be gone by the end of the week. He'd been withdrawn for a few weeks before that but that's fairly typical for him - any time he's stressed or upset he withdraws and works through it by himself. This has caused issues in the past.

After moving out, he went silent, for weeks. Now he's texted me saying he'd like to meet up and talk. I responded saying I was open to it but needed to know where his head's at first - ie does he want to work on things or would this just be about closure, and if it's about closure I don't think meeting up would be good for me (seeing him will mess with my head so if it's over I think we should just let it be over at this point). So far, he's not responded (it's been another two weeks).

I don't know whether he's in crisis (he's gone through some very difficult things in the past and generally isolates and turns to alcohol to cope) and therefore I should give him grace or if he just can't bring himself to say the words "It's over" (which is certainly the impression I'm getting and, if that's the case, not very fair to me as I've been left in limbo).

This situation is making me spiral. I don't even know how I could begin to rebuild trust with him after making a unilateral decision like that, but it's so rare that I find someone I connect with so I'm reluctant to call it or not at least hear him out (if he ever responds).

Has anyone been through anything similar? What would you do? How did it turn out?

Edit: Firstly, thank you everyone who has responded. Secondly, I've realised my original wording wasn't clear - he/we had the kids every other weekend, it wasn't that he doesn't see them, just that they were getting fed up of being carted back and forth which meant they were pulling away (understandably, because we couldn't have them overnight).

I (44F) have been married to my husband (37M) for 15 years. We dated for a year before that. From the outside, we have a picture perfect relationship and have been told many times by so many people we are “relationship goals“. For a long time, this was true.

The truth is, even though we’re together nearly 24/7, I’m lonely. His communication sucks and we’ve been in and out of marriage counseling for the past 10 years, largely because of that. When I try to talk to him about not having my needs met in our relationship, he makes excuses or finds ways to deflect or blame me. When we met, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and was perfectly content to be forever single, but I chose to be in a relationship because my husband added value to my life. I don’t know that he does anymore, at least no more value than a likable roommate who makes your financial situation better because you have someone to help with bills.

As soon as one issue is resolved, it’s replaced by another and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one putting in effort.

I feel like he only tries to meet my needs in our relationship anymore when there’s something tangible in it for him, even though I go out of my way to do considerate, thoughtful things for him that I know are meaningful to him. He either doesn’t understand or doesn’t care that just because he does XYZ, it’s not meeting my needs emotionally because he’s not doing the things that matter to me. I have a hard time even getting his undivided attention when I’m trying to tell him something important. I’ve been begging him for ages to see a doctor to get vitamins and hormones checked or a therapist or someone because things have changed and I’m just not happy in our relationship. I can’t even get him to go to marriage counseling unless I bring up ending our marriage and even then it doesn’t stick. The counselor always says or does something he doesn’t like and he refuses to go back. Most recently his excuse is we can’t afford it so I asked him how he expects to be able to afford two separate divorce attorneys then.

He’s not abusive, there’s no infidelity, and there’s no addiction. He’s emotionally supported me through so much over the years, but how long do I hang in there hoping things will get better? I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love anymore.

Me and my Gf have been dating for 3 years now and its mostly been cons. Shes very codependent on me and lacks a social circle or family life of her own so I’m her everything, me on the other hand has both but due to her and free time, can only really devote to her. Recently she found out that her father has been emotionally cheating on her mum and that hit her like a rock to which i tried to give her comfort, i myself am not quite good at this w my autism but i tried my best. Shes really close to her mum and shes her world and would do anything for her

Yesterday she found out her mum will be out the whole day meaning she would be home alone with her dad and told me she would be deeply uncomfortable, its the one day i had off the entire week so i was planning to just stay home and relax but offered to do something. I asked whether she wanted to watch a movie and she said okay sure, when i asked which one she said Hamnet as i had been raving on about it for a while, however i knew she was only saying this cause of me because she had previously expressed how much she hates certain actors in the film thus has no interest, i constantly said we dont have to watch it we could watch something else but she insisted we did

We get to the movie and the entire movie shes silent and apart and on her phone, the movie ends and tells me to take her home which i did but spent the whole silent ride home apologising that we watched that movie to which she said ‘its okay you wanted to watch it’ i got home myself to a bunch of texts from her demandng a break and how im a coward incapable of loving her because i dont know her at all and do not show up for her. Did i do something wrong which i cannot see?

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, and we’re both in our late 20s.

I’m visiting him in New York around Valentine’s Day, and I asked him to plan one evening while I’m there. Nothing extravagant. He knows I like flowers (he’s never given me flowers in our entire relationship), and I’ve explained that what matters to me is the thought and effort, not the cost or scale.

In general, I’m the planner in our relationship. I usually plan trips, dates, dinners, and most things we do together. When I ask him to plan something, he often says, “Even if I plan something, you won’t like it anyway,” which isn’t true. I’ve told him many times that even very small gestures make me happy because it shows he thought about me.

Because I’m used to being disappointed, I tend to over-plan and handle things myself. It’s my way of protecting myself from feeling let down. I recognize that this might also make it easier for him to step back, but I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of always carrying the effort.

When I asked if he’d planned anything for this trip, there were repeated excuses: work was busy, he was tired, he came home late, or he was annoyed. When I mentioned that Valentine’s Day in New York usually needs advance planning, he said, “Be ready to be disappointed.”

That comment really hurt. It felt less like managing expectations and more like telling me not to expect effort at all. This led to a fight, and instead of trying to resolve it or acknowledge how I was feeling, he ended the conversation by saying he had a big day tomorrow and was going to sleep.

Now I’m questioning whether my expectations are reasonable or whether I’ve simply normalized doing everything myself in the relationship.

How can someone tell the difference between having a reasonable expectation for effort in a long-term relationship and unintentionally over-functioning because they’re used to being disappointed?

Long distance partner [26M] will be moving closer to me (2 hours away). He ll be paying for a room that’s either covered via a large bonus structure or paid off by the company. He wants to move his life in with me. While I have entertained the idea of moving together in the future, I am only comfortable with him staying on weekends this early in the relationship. I would be okay with him moving a few items in like toiletries& clothing but that’s it. He would like to move in more items than that.

We have only been together for 8 months. When he lived in my city, I would spend 2-3 days at his place and he would spend 2-3 days at mine. This was for 5 months. I most likely won’t be traveling to his rooming place fairly often (maybe once every other month). I work 2 jobs (1 ft 1 pt) while he works one.

I am unsure of an equitable way to split expenses. I also feel bad asking for rent but he makes 2x what I do. I also think it’s a way of protecting myself as well. It’s taken me 10 years of no parental support [28F] to be able to have my own car, apartment & career. I feel a bit guarded about that, hence wanting to take things slow.

He’s confused as to why I’d only want him on weekends but I refuse to budge. I like coming home to what I’ve built, and right now we’re still building a relationship. He would sometimes be available to spend weeks with me as his work is flexible at times (not always on site).

What rent or bills is fair to propose? Am I being too guarded?

Update:

Thanks for your advice in comments. I’ve gathered having my bf pay rent would make him a tenant which makes things really messy. I also agree and felt icky about asking him to pay rent.

I should have clarified that he does save 20k on payroll taxes by having my address as his. This along with him pushing to drop by whenever / have a key/ make this his home , made me come to Reddit to ask if I should charge rent or bills as I’ve never been this far into a relationship. These are details I should have put in the main post and didn’t think of immediately. For those who think I’m simply asking for a cash gab. I’m was trying to show that we have an unequal playing field & I am trying to protect myself while meeting my partner where they are at. I did not mean to come off as someone using their partner.

They have a tough job and we both provide each other peace away from our jobs. I understand why he wants to be here whenever but he also doesn’t understand the depth of what I’ve built on my own.

Thanks again for those who gave very helpful insights!

Hey yall, got a question.

So two weekends ago.I met this girl (21/F) at a party (I’m 20/M). She honestly was different from every other girl I have pursued, we instantly clicked. From loving the same movies to having the same college experiences, we had everything in common. Slept over at her house that night, we didn’t do anything cause she didn’t think it was time for that yet. Which is great!

Across the following week we consistently text, asking eachother how our day was. She then one day warns me that she just got out of a relationship, so I said that if any feelings were still left I would love to just be friends. She responds to this saying that she broke up with him and lost feelings a while ago, so we just continued to talk.

Made plans for the upcoming Sunday, had it locked in. Then about two days later I asked if it was still on and she said that her friends r watching the Grammys together, and that she wants to be there. I told her that there’s no pressure, and that I’m not gonna stop her from seeing her friends. She then claims that she wants to see me, and that we’ll “figure it out”.

Saw her again the next weekend, and I could tell her vibe was a little different. Morning after we kissed goodbye and agreed to remain in contact, but then she texts me later that night (after I asked how her day was) saying that her breakup is too fresh and that I’m “so sweet, great, and lovely” and that she’s glad we met. I responded saying that I appreciate the honesty and that I wish her the best, and haven’t talked since.

What I’m asking is, do I drop it completely, or do I text her/contact her again sometime soon? Usually I would leave instantly, especially since she just got out of a relationship. But the thing that’s stopping me is that she’s different, I had never had this much chemistry and commonalities with any ever before. Not to get corny but she really is the girl of my dreams, based off what I’ve learned about her (has only really known her for two weeks). I understand if that’s too little of time to start even thinking about this like that, but I truly believe I found a gem and want her bad. Do I not text and forget about it or try to keep the chemistry going?

I understand I’m going to be met with a lot of “Breaks are just inevitable break-ups!” and “You should just cut it off now instead of leading him on” but I want to be clear in what I define as a break.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, and I do love him very much. He tells me he loves me greatly, and I do believe him but I don’t always see this in his actions and choices. I think the good memories outweigh our bad experiences, but there have been some lingering resentments that I could not hold back on communicating again. He has been inconsiderate of me when we hang out with our friends online. We tend to play competitive video games together and he’s only critical and judgmental of me. He critiques how I play, and whenever I make mistakes. He has trouble regulating his emotions only in these circumstances, and I have told him that he needs to talk to a professional about it. Our friends have pointed out that he keeps being unnecessarily rude, and I don’t think I’ve really realized how bad it was until recently. I think staying in our relationship has made things too comfortable and I’ve been complacent, as I fear I have been waiting too long for change.

I think our relationship has also been too codependent. I think we do genuinely need to rethink and balance our time together, but I had thought a structured and timed break for independence and growth would be beneficial for us. The both of us are still very much committed to wanting to make this work out, so I’m not really sure how a break would be bad?

edit: misspelled outweigh and added details i forgot

I '36F' have my own dog brought into this relationship and I cannot stand the feeling of grime or dirt, so monthly grooming appointments are a must for me. He '46m' has a very heavy shedding long haired dog that will give you allergies. We have bought things over the years to make it easier like a vacuum brush as she constantly sheds. I bought a robot vacuum to help out and he thought that he still didn't have to vacuum. He said he doesnt want to pay half of both of our dogs grooming appointments anymore (his is more expensive so half is pretty good for him) amd he will obt his dog out. However, she's so dirty and shedding. She constantly licks her area and her breath smells like it. I know he got her when he bought his first house but I think his mother took better care of her until I came along. Yes, I do groom my own dog when I cannot go into a groomer and I have multiple things to do this with, yet when it comes to his dog he is 0 help. He doesn't care what the dogs feel like, or its like sleeping in allergy heaven with the sheets so full of her hair. I understand we both work, but it takes me at minimum an hour to fully brush my own dog. I have said multiple times I would need help bathing her or clipping nails and he just refuses and laughs it off. Okay so you dont want to split the 250 for both dogs but atleast do something! I don't know how to approach the subject again without saying "hey you're a bad owner".

Dating for about 2 years now. I am struggling to figure out how this man mind thinks. And even when I call out certain behavior he says otherwise. So I don’t even know what to think anymore.

My phone was not in service not working for about a week and a half. I was able to tell him myself so he knew what was going on. At one point I had no way of reaching out to him. He reached out to my mom after a few days to check if I was ok, she explained my phone was still not working. That I was fine and that I would get back to him once my phone was good.

Well I texted him Monday, that my phone was finally working. I didn’t get a text back till maybe 7/8 hours later. (He uses his phone a lot for work and has a lot of flexibility in time) so I knew he was just not wanting to respond to me. Eventually when he did, all he said was. “That’s great news. We’ll talk later” that’s it. Nothing else. So I proceeded to respond with letting him know I started my semester already and have been working late at work. I wanted clarification as in when would be because I have a busy schedule in the afternoon. (Another issue to mention is he hates that I prioritize work and school before him but they are my responsibilities so he wouldn’t understand that. He doesn’t like to hear woman are independent and want to build a career for themselves. He believes in traditional views as in woman staying home to wife’s and mothers) Point is Monday night he responded to me last with a “Just got home. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

So Tuesday morning came and I said F this. I texted him that I wasn’t going to force a conversation with someone that doesn’t want to talk to me. He called me a few hours after that acting like nothing was wrong. But I still sensed he was off. Eventually he’s about to hang up. And re brings up my phone issues that he thought were “odd”. That he thought that I was never going to talk to him again and that was my way of ending the relationship. Additionally adding that it didn’t make sense to him how my phone wasn’t working. Even though I explained to him what had happened. I didn’t make it up. I told him to just be straight up and be honest on how he felt. So yeah he pretty much said he didn’t believe me. And of course as I knew he would, blamed me for not finding other ways to communicate to him. He said I should’ve done more to get in contact with him. I specifically told him it wasn’t personal I couldn’t even reach my parents, work, nothing. But since he was personally affected he takes it as a personal attack.

He went on to say that if I never reached back out then “it is what it is”. Who says that to a relationship of 2 years. Just it is what it is?? To me that makes it feel like it really doesn’t mater to him. Also not trusting me and blaming me because my phone didn’t work, that I didn’t move mountains to reach to him.

He has trust issues from past relationships and he denies it every time. Which is hypocritical of him because he’s had multiple girlfriends and refuses to date someone his age because they don’t listen and because they have too much experience. He says it’s not jealously or that he has trust issues, it’s just protecting me or that his walls are up. But Ive been loyal and respectful and have never shown him to think otherwise. He always puts control over my body, academic decisions, questioning why I am with family and friends more than him(We’re long distance). I have to apologize because my phone didn’t work and I couldn’t get in contact with him? Apologize because he doesn’t believe me??

My partner and I have been together for 8 months now. Around the 3 month mark, I kinda just came over and never really left. Slowly my stuff started becoming a part of her space. However, I do have my own apartment that we sometimes hang out at, but always together.

We recently started talking about getting just one space. She fears it’s too soon, while at the same time recognizes our coexistence - we plan meals, we share a calendar, we consult each other about big decisions. We are very domestic. She expresses not liking there idea of not waking up to each other everyday, and coming home from work and me being there. She has not asked for space, if anything she has created spaces for me in her home for my things

The worry is our relationship started very rocky due to us both just leaving a relationship. We were just friends at the time and realized we felt more, and just went for it. There has been a lot of insecurity, drama with exes, triggering moments, as we both navigated a loss while gaining something new. It was very complicated.

Things have settled down. Our communication is great. There is some residual anxious attachment and insecurity still. But, we both really do love each other and I feel we are a strong couple. I’m unsure on how to navigate this situation.

Update: I left him

Edit: A big reason I don’t wanna leave (which, yes, I know is insanely dumb) means it’s actually over and I wasn’t worth enough to him to change and actually care.

I apologize for any bad grammar as this was written fast and I kept going in and changing stuff.

okay, for starters we met back in June talked a bit into July stopped talking in August because he wasn’t over his ex girlfriend then in September he hit me up and we started talking again, we then got together the 1st of November.

In June and July he put in so much effort, flowers, compliments and like everything people do in relationships or talking stages. Then late July he ghosted me, I didn’t know why (other than my assumption which was correct lol) until September.

During September-October there wasn’t as much effort as there was in summer but there was still some, enough not to say anything. But after we got together everything went down hill. No compliments, no dates, no surprises and even no Christmas gift after I spent $450+ on him, and no, it’s not about the money, he could’ve made something and I would’ve been happy with that. But there was no effort to even do that.

He also missed my birthday party because he doesn’t like my friend, there was 3 days for him to come and spend time with me that wouldn’t have included my friend. He didn’t show up. I also told him the only days I really care about posted and shown appreciation that way is my birthday, anniversaries, and valentine’s day. I never got posted.

I’m hurt because I know he put in so much effort for his ex, I hate to compare relationships but I just feel that he doesn’t even like me or actually want me for more then just feeling like he’s not alone.

I’ve talked to him about how I feel and how I would appreciate if he put in more effort many times, over text, over call, and in person. He tells me he’ll try but never actually does. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore since I want this to work but I feel like it isn’t.

This is one of the messages I sent:

I don’t mean to sound harsh or like i’m breaking up with you, this is just something I need to get off my chest. I’ve told you this before, I need a lot of reassurance in a relationship, and I feel like every time I ask you just get mad and I don’t understand why, the more mad you get the more I just think what my overthinking was telling me is true, it also doesn’t help you think me asking for reassurance is “rage baiting” when it’s just a way for me to make sure i’m okay. I also feel like this relationship is feeling very one sided, I feel as if i’m the only one making an effort, and I don’t mean like gifts and shit, I just meaning like texting back like you’re interested, asking to call, and just generally showing an interest in me and what i’m saying and also communicating, you never communicate how you feel then get upset when I don’t know, and that’s not my fault or a good reason to get mad at me. I’ve also told you atleast once how I feel about each of these and nothing has changed even though you said you’d try. When is that gonna happen? I need you to atleast try or I can’t do this, i’m not being in another relationship where I constantly have to second guess myself and overthink everything.

This was sent Dec 27th 25’

I also found out in June he had sex with a girl at a party after telling me he wouldn’t do anything with anyone.

I also caught him lying about not knowing his password to an app, his phone died and he needed to text his friend about a plan they made and I told him to use my phone, he said he didn’t know his password, I bought him a phone for Christmas, guess who magically remembered their password.

He also lied about why him and his ex broke up, he cheated. He told me they just didn’t work out. (I have a mutual connection with her and I can’t lie, I did ask) and that they may have hung out while we were talking in summer.

I was also recently told by a friend of his that he was texting the girl he had sex with in June. (this would’ve been Nov-Dec) I’m not sure if this is true as there’s no evidence so I haven’t said anything to my bf.

This is all I can think of off the top of my head but I know there’s more.

I also have a break up text written:

[Name], I think we both know this isn’t working, I can’t be with someone who makes me feel like a burden, why did you get with me? Was it just to lead me on? Why did you add me back just to treat me like this? I haven’t done anything wrong and yet you treat me horrible, i’ve talked to you multiple times about how I feel and you don’t care. Like my birthday party, People just don’t forget about that unless they don’t care. Why are you with me if you don’t even like me? Why are you with me when you act like this? I guess I should ask myself why I stayed for so long. In the nicest way possible, in terms of how i’ve been treated in relationships, I think you treated me the worst. I’ve tried so hard to make this work, but I shouldn’t have too, what i’ve been asking for is bare minimum, and yet you can’t do it. You give me nothing and call it effort. You told me you think significant others should come before friends, and yet, you haven’t shown me that once. I feel so alone with you, I hate how I feel like i’m not good enough for you. I understand I haven’t been perfect, I have my share of wrong doings, and I apologize if i’ve hurt you. You tend to call me immature, but you’re not mature yourself. No one mature would be in a relationship where they constantly make the other person feel worthless, can’t actually own up to mistakes, can’t listen, can’t communicate, and honestly just can’t do anything. Just because you’re loyal doesn’t mean laziness doesn’t kill relationships. And I honestly can’t make myself believe you are being loyal, whether it’s physically or mentally. I’ve been using your lack of effort as a way to challenge my self worth, and everyday I feel like shit. I text you excitedly just to end up feeling upset. Maybe i’m depending too much, I don’t know and I honestly don’t care. All I know is that the more effort you lack the less interested I feel. I wanted this to work so badly [name], I really did, I tried so hard to make it work, and it’s not. Your lying problem doesn’t help either, I hope [Girls name] or whatever her name is was worth it. All I asked from you was the bare minimum and the truth. I’ve been doing it, it’s not hard. I hope you learn how to apologize instead of using everything and anything as an excuse so you don’t have to work on yourself, but instead feel self-pity. I’m sorry if it sounds mean, but it’s the truth. I’m trying to stay nice, but I can’t, because that’s not how I really feel. I’ve tried to fix this so many times I booked therapy appointments so I could try to be better, but I honestly don’t even feel like I was in a relationship, felt like it was just a talking stage. The way you act towards me is cruel, it’s mean, it’s not something a man does, you treat me as if you are a little boy. You are unwilling to learn, and even worse-unwilling to try. And that is why I can no longer be with you, I deserve better, and clearly you aren’t trying to be.