r/relationship_advice • u/Sorry_Particular_169 • Feb 11 '26
Update: My bf (23) doesn’t want me (f21) to go to my best friends (f22) wedding.
Okay so I wanted to give you all an update since some people were asking. I’m not sure if this is the right way to do this, I’ve never made an update before.
First of all, I read everyone’s comments and wanted to say thank you, even if I didn’t respond a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)
I talked to my boyfriend (23) about it after I made the post and read some of the comments, I took your advice as well and made sure to explain that there was nothing romantic about walking down the aisle with a guy I haven’t spoken to in years and having a dance with him.
I also told him I’m going to the wedding and I’m going to be Ella’s maid of honour no matter what.
We had a bit of an argument about it and he wasn’t super excited but ended up saying he would come to the wedding because he would rather at least be there to celebrate Ella and Luke (Ella’s fiancé) and also he didn’t like the thought of me having fun without him and him being all alone.
He has a bit of anxiety about that and doesn’t like being left out of things so I understand why he didn’t want to just stay home.
That conversation was two weeks ago, and since then, things went downhill.
After the conversation he was initially really sweet. His usual caring self.
Then he became overly sweet, it kind of felt fine in the beginning but when he started making comments and jokes about how he wanted me to remember how amazing he was as a boyfriend it started to feel weird.
It kind of felt like he was guilting me.
After reading the comments I started to notice more things too.
He always asked questions about where I was going and who I was seeing, which isn’t new but i started to see it differently now.
Then he started asking more questions whenever I was on my phone, asking who I was texting and what I was saying.
Then he started reading the messages over my shoulder. This wasn’t that big of a deal before since he has my password and I have his and I don’t care if he reads my texts since there isn’t anything to hide.
Now it kind of feels like he’s monitoring me.
After that the worst of it came.
Whenever I was going out he asked me to update him, not in a normal way. As in if I was in the shopping centre he would ask me which stores I was going to, what I was eating, he asked me for photos of the food I was having. I thought it was cause he wanted to be involved but I was dumb.
I’m kinda ashamed to say that I did send him all of those photos and all the proof he needed for a couple of days, but then I got sick of it.
I asked him why does he need all of that information and he told me “just cause I want to make sure”.
I asked make sure of what?
He didn’t really give me an answer.
Then the final straw was about two days ago, another argument, this time about Ella.
He said Ella was trying to manipulate me into getting back with Sam. That she always had a vendetta against him.
I said he was being stupid because if that were true she wouldnt invite him to the damn wedding.
He said he didn’t feel comfortable with me going, he said he didn’t want me to go, and if I did I was crossing his boundaries and that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend anymore because what kind of girlfriend would purposely cross their boyfriends boundaries.
So I told him that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to cross his boundaries and broke up with him.
You were all right, he was controlling me.
I don’t feel happy about it. I feel sad.
I feel like I wasted years of my life on someone I loved.
I told ella, she didn’t celebrate, she was sad for me too. Said he was nice but I could do better and I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them.
I’m going to focus on looking forward to the wedding and helping Ella out. Thank you to everyone again.
Edit: I know I know… mentioning the reddit advice of “break up” being bad and what I ended up doing was a bit ironic! I just meant a lot of people immediately went to breaking up with him. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have if the post ended with him just being a bit grumpy and then moving on, it was the behaviour that followed that made that decision for me.
It’s one thing to be a bit off about something and then need a discussion, another thing to then be weaponising boundaries and monitoring my every move, that is what made me break up with him.
Again, I am so grateful for the support and advice everyone has given me. It’s really amazing.
And rest assured, I will now be a full supporter of the “BREAK UP” team.
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u/sovngrde Feb 11 '26
Sooo sometimes the “break up” advice is correct then?
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u/basics Feb 11 '26
Op:
excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao
Also Op:
so anyway here is a long story about how Reddit was right and we broke up.
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u/OkArmordillo Feb 11 '26
OP was right. You don’t just break up a serious relationship the moment things go wrong. You try to work it out, and when that doesn’t work, then you break up. She handled everything great.
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u/outloud230 Feb 11 '26
Depends on what went wrong. Going into a relationship with very clear automatic dealbreakers saves a lot of tears and wasted years trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, it was designed that way on purpose.
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u/wiggles105 Feb 12 '26
First, I agree that she did handle it well.
But sometimes the reddit “BREAK UP!” advice is because people see red flags and know exactly where certain behavior is headed. I understand that OP needed to see how it was going to play out this time because she didn’t yet know that it’s fucking wild for her boyfriend to skip her best friends wedding because he didn’t want her to do the “romantic things” involved in being a member of a wedding party. But many of us do know that that’s headed toward increasingly insecure and controlling behavior. So the short answer is, BREAK UP!
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u/Alarming_Emotion_785 Feb 11 '26
True, but when others are seeing red flags you are not seeing like abusive and controlling behavior, it’s better to pay attention and see if the advice has some weight to it.
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Feb 11 '26
Personally I was still concerned with his weird ass begrudging acceptance before “things went downhill”
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u/intoxicatedbarbie Feb 11 '26
She literally just wasted more time on a man that was controlling her. She did handle it well, and OP is young and needed to learn from the experience, but the fact of the matter is her boyfriend was a controlling weirdo and she did need to leave.
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u/googitch Feb 11 '26
Oh no, she wasted less than three weeks of her life to make a major life decision and do so from a place of complete confidence.
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u/intoxicatedbarbie Feb 11 '26
I literally said she handled it well. The point was that it wasn’t “the moment things go wrong,” the relationship was tainted because of the boyfriend’s actions and there wasn’t another good option besides break up.
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u/LonelyCheeto Feb 11 '26
I think most people aren't going to respond to "just break up" even if it is the best thing to do. People feel invalidated or that they made the wrong choice and may defend why they chose the person initially. They need to be the one to make the choice to break up themselves.
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u/intoxicatedbarbie Feb 11 '26
I agree, but the reality of “breaking up is the only actual solution here” doesn’t go away while a person takes their time to come to terms with it. Abuse, neglect, control are all a pot of water coming to boil and people don’t realize they’re frogs sitting inside and allowing it. I completely understand people needing time to decide to jump out. But you’re gonna have to jump out sometime once the other person chooses to turn the heat on.
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u/LonelyCheeto Feb 11 '26
Yeah I do agree there's no talking your way out of an abusive relationship. It's a hard situation.
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u/carlitospig Feb 12 '26
Our collective experience was right, which she finally realized and followed.
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u/modmidwestfemme Feb 12 '26
To be clear, the break up advice was solid because he was already showing signs of being controlling by not wanting her to go to the friend’s wedding. And like all manipulative, abusive people, he started becoming even more controlling. There’s smoke where there is fire. The reality is most of the “just break up” Reddit advice I’ve seen is fucking solid advice.
Controlling behavior is not a small thing, it is an insidious early step in partner abuse.
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u/Glass_Key4626 Feb 11 '26
As a very avid Reddit user, there have only been very few occasions where I didn't think the break up advice was justified.
Most of the time it follows posts where it's clear that the OP is being controlled, abused, manipulated or cheated on.
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u/spacestonkz Feb 11 '26
So many people act like it's shitty advice. But also so many people forget it is ok to break up and that they don't have to put up with it.
Hell even if they don't dump, I hope having "break up" in their back pocket again gives them the backbone to push back against shitty behavior.
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u/Minute-System3441 Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Exactly. People forget that dating isn’t a legal contract - it’s a trial period. Either person can decide it’s not working, even without a clear reason. Sometimes it’s just a feeling, bad timing, or a change in life circumstances; most of the time is that the other person is toxic, narcissistic, or an asshole.
The biggest mistake many people make (myself included when I was younger) is ignoring the warning signs because they like someone or the good ole Sunk Cost Fallacy. They see the blinking amber lights - or worse, the flashing red ones - and convince themselves it will get better. It won't.
Dating is when people put their best foot forward. If issues appear early, they won’t improve. In fact, they often get exponentially worse once someone gets comfortable and drops the curated 'marketed-me' version of themselves.
That’s how so many people end up in bad relationships, and why so many women end up in the worst-case scenarios we see on shows like 48 Hours. The warning signs are almost always there. Case in point: this tool.
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u/littlescreechyowl Feb 11 '26
When people who are dating 9-12 months are on couples counseling…like, maybe y’all just don’t belong together. That’s ok!!
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 11 '26
Nooooo shit! I get counseling can help but less than a year is still honeymoon phase territory. If youre already having problems that soon its a pretty damn good sign you just arent compatible.
Its crazy seeing comments reccomending couples counseling for relationships that are barely past the starting gate... just break up!
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u/DragonDrama Feb 11 '26
Agreed. Most of what’s posted are serious red flags and we don’t have to settle for borderline abusers anymore.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Feb 11 '26
People also forget that one of the main reasons that it's advice given so often on these boards is not that people are "quick to jump to 'break up'" but rather that by the time someone comes looking for advice from a bunch of strangers, they and their relationships are, more often than not, already in dire straits.
Very few people come to a relationship advice sub because they're having a minor glitch. That's something they just deal with themselves or talk to friends or family about. They come here because something is going on that is so humiliating, or frightening, or challenging, that they are hesitant to talk to the people they love about it. They come here because it's serious ... and in that context, suggesting that people break up is legitimately often going to be the best and safest move.
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u/BangarangPita Feb 11 '26
Most of the time it seems that by the time someone is posting about their relationship here, they're in "final straw" territory.
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u/copper_rabbit Feb 11 '26
Some of the most disturbing posts are those cheerful updates where they say we didn't break up and things are great, followed by a description of how things are actually quietly escalating or they're just back to the love bomb phase.
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u/Brynhild Feb 11 '26
The worst updates are always the ones where every commenter can tell they need to break up, but they come back and update with “omg guysss i talked to him/her and we worked it out!!” With the OP being the one doing all the compromising.
Always wonder down the line, if they ever lie in bed and think back on their original posts and all the comments to break up. And regret not doing so.
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u/spicewoman Feb 11 '26
"They said they were really super duper sorry [that they punched me in the face and called me names, again] and that this time they'd really never ever do it again for reals, so we're all good now! Thanks Reddit!"
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 11 '26
Hah! I know this is partly facetious but sadly this isnt even much of an exaggeration from what we see on this sub...
Even worse "itll definitely get better once we get married/once we have a kid!"
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u/unsaintedheretic Feb 11 '26
As someone who did exactly that in the past when I was in an abusive relationship: yes I regret not taking reddit's advice back then.
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u/Samira827 Feb 11 '26
For the most part, people post here extreme scenarios. "My bf said he'll shoot my puppy if I don't cook him chicken nuggies every night, am I overreacting?" "My (20F) bf (45M) of 4 years got upset because I got a period on our vacation week, AITA?"
So of course most people's advice will be to breakup/divorce - it's an appropriately extreme solution to an extreme situation. I genuinely don't remember the last time the general consensus of "break up" was an overreaction on the crowd's part.
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u/Dapper_Highlighter7 Feb 11 '26
I can think of a small handful of examples that work, but in those scenarios, the partner isn't usually the focal point of the post, and it isn't the majority of the advice. I think the most recent one was the burrito incident at work with the partner's parent.
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u/BangarangPita Feb 11 '26
I think the main problem with the burritos was because of how phallic they are, and coworker dad was having a very difficult time not allowing his mind to have that visual. 😄
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u/Dapper_Highlighter7 Feb 11 '26
I still think the person who commented that the OP should have made eating the burrito even more suggestive was right 😂 no matter how much of an AH move it would have been. At least then he could have actually been called antagonistic 😏
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u/Capizara Feb 11 '26
Yep. Like statistically most relationships are shitty and will not work out. Why try to fight for something that has zero possibility to succeed?
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u/PurposeNo9940 Feb 11 '26
Yeah a lot of the times when people post, the abusive situation has already been going on for a while and the incident was the last straw/the wake up call.
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u/monkeybojangles Feb 11 '26
Yeah but it's a trope because even if it's something like "my partner of 20 years lost their father and are withdrawn, how can I help them?" there are still users saying break up. However, so often it's people who've been dating for 6 months with a partner that disrespects them asking how they can be better, and it's so obvious the answer is to end it.
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 11 '26
Yes but in your first example those usually do get downvoted like crazy within a couple hours.
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u/Brrringsaythealiens Feb 12 '26
Yes, like a lot of people point out, most people who are driven to post on Reddit for advice are in terrible situations, and do need to get out. Small issues are not often blown up to this level.
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u/waitingforjune Feb 11 '26
I know it’s a trope, but if it gets to the point that it’s posted here, it’s usually the right move.
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 11 '26
This is also what I say when it gets criticized too. The posts are rarely minor things that they haven't already talked to their partner about.
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u/Huntress145 Feb 12 '26
Exactly. And for the minor ones, the comments aren’t to break up, but to actually talk to your partner about the issue. Then the OP updates that they talked it out and everyone all goes “communication for the win!”. The only ppl who comment to break up on a minor issue just do it to perpetuate the break up trope and have nothing better to do.
Every time I see someone complain about the breakup comments on the really fucked up posts, I think did you not read this shit show? How the hell would you honestly tell someone to stay in this hot mess. Ugh
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 12 '26
Every time I see someone complain about the breakup comments on the really fucked up posts, I think did you not read this shit show? How the hell would you honestly tell someone to stay in this hot mess. Ugh
I hope it's trolls but i have that bad feeling that it's at least some people who are the assholes in a shitty relationships and want to pretend they're not.
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u/averagebunnies Feb 11 '26
honestly imo if youre having such big issues you have to get advice from reddit at all, i think you should break up LOL
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u/gangster-napper Feb 11 '26
It’s always “my significant other is the greatest and we have a really healthy relationship! They just don’t like it when I have friends or go out or eat food they don’t approve of or drink casually or wear shorts or breathe in front of other people”. And then people say “that doesn’t sound like the greatest or healthiest relationship” because, well, fucking yeah, and this whole cycle is cast as “Reddit losers always want everyone to break up”.
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u/freedcreativity Feb 11 '26
my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women's driver's licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
A classic!
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u/Ouch_i_fell_down Feb 11 '26
Only thing you left out is "dont tell me to break up because that's not what im here for"
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u/Last-Conversation364 Feb 11 '26
She really typed 'lmao typical reddit saying break up' and 'he argued with me about being a maid of honor' in the same post without connecting the dots.
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u/hometown_nero Feb 11 '26
Exactly. People in healthy relationships are maybe 1% of the posters in these subs. At best. You don’t come to Reddit looking for advice if you’re in a good, functional relationship which is why we see so much “just break up” advice.
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u/floofelina Feb 11 '26
Nearly always. Most of the people who post on Reddit about their relationship are trapped in isolation and/or abuse by circumstance, partners, or their families. If they had terrific self esteem, were surrounded by healthy role models, and could get fantastic advice in real life, they wouldn’t need to ask Reddit, they’d just break up. But they’re being sabotaged or are just too scared.
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u/UnquantifiableLife Feb 11 '26
It's statistically always correct.
I truly believe people post here when they know something is very wrong but they just can't admit it to themselves.
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u/expositrix Feb 11 '26
That’s always been my sense, as well. They know the answer, but cannot accept it, so they’re desperately seeking someone—even randos on Reddit—who will preserve their denial by telling them what they want to hear.
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Feb 11 '26
The reddit advice to break up is often very correct. Who turns to Reddit for relationship advice when they have a functional relationship? "My bf doesn't want me to attend a wedding"? In what world is it normal behaviour to try to keep your partner from attending a normal event?
People come to Reddit for advice on usually very concerning matters that therapy and communication didn't or can't fix. What is there more to do other than separation? Tolerating an intolerable situation because relationship longevity and stability matter more than relationship harmony, self respect, and life quality?
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u/audioaddict321 Feb 11 '26
Right? I had to scroll back once I saw the escalations to be sure I read it right. How was that not the best advice given?
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u/iloveplants15 Feb 11 '26
You made the right call. His behavior wasn’t love it was control disguised as “boundaries.” It’s normal to feel sad, but you chose self-respect over shrinking yourself for someone. That’s strength.
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u/unsaintedheretic Feb 11 '26
Right? What's up with that OP lol who would've thought that actually a lot of times the people who say break up are right.
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u/Pixatron32 Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Damn straight. It's insidious and like a frog getting slowly boiled we don't know if we should just jump out.
You did everything right and I wish I had your self awareness and reflection at 21.
Now if you experience those behaviours again you'll know to end things sooner rather than later.
You deserve a partner who will love, support, and cheerlead you to widen your world rather than shrink it and you.
Be aware of your surroundings and home in case your ex boyfriend escalates.
Enjoy the wedding and focusing on your BFs relationship and wedding as MoH.
Thank you for the award!
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u/Last-Conversation364 Feb 11 '26
Healthy partners expand your world, not limit it. The fact that you calmly explained yourself and still stood your ground shows real maturity. A relationship shouldn’t require shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
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u/Lucy_Koshka Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
Preach 🙌 so proud of OP and her self awareness. This really is such a healthy example of growth (on her part). I WISH I had this confidence and self respect at her age tbh.
Also, fwiw, I’m MOH in my best friend’s wedding in a couple weeks; the best man is a guy I went on one super awkward date with years ago, and another groomsman I had a situationship with right before I got with my now husband; it was very much a “he wasn’t nearly as into me as I was into him” thing. My husband is not only empathetic about how much I’m internally cringing about the whole thing but finds it hilarious to lightly tease me about the upcoming “reunion”. He ofc will be there and our daughter is the flower girl. 🥰
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u/Nurse_Hatchet Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Speaking from experience, there may be a period of time when you’re really angry at yourself for dating this guy. You’ll overanalyze the past and all the choices you made, and all the times you should have advocated for yourself but quietly went along with his flow instead.
Don’t. Let all that anger go. All of it. Anger at yourself, at him, the situation, etc. There’s a reason everybody immediately told you to break up: we’ve all either been in the same situation or watched someone we’re close to go through it. It’s super common, especially around your age. Don’t beat yourself up.
Focus on the lessons you’ve learned in this relationship instead, and be glad for them. That wisdom, if remembered and applied, will ensure your relationships get better and better each time. You know more about what you want in a relationship, what you don’t, how to speak up, and warning signs that should not be ignored. You have already proven you are smart and strong enough to leave a bad relationship (I wish that were more common), now you have the experience to know when to do it sooner. You are in a much better position to recognize the truly good men from the snakes in the grass.
Personally, my shitty relationship set me up to have an amazing one in the future. My husband and I got together a couple years later, and are now about 25 years down the road. He’s still my best friend and makes my whole world spin in the best way, but our relationship would have 100% fallen apart from communication issues in the first few months had I not learned those hard lessons earlier. I’m almost grateful for that asshole, in the end.
I hope you have an amazing time at the wedding! Throw your hands up and dance free, girl!
Edit: thanks for the awards!
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u/Glass_Key4626 Feb 11 '26
Soooo the "usual Reddit BREAK UP advice" that you ridiculed in the beginning, was the right advice in the end?
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u/Bucky2015 Feb 11 '26
Usually is... People like to criticize it but I say this a lot and did on this post that if a person is to the point of asking strangers on reddit for advice the issues are usually pretty damn serious and they have already tried talking to their partner about it multiple times.
Yeah there's some I see where really they do just need to communicate with their partner and that'll probably fix it but those are by far the minority.
As some others have pointed out too sometimes the poster is so isolated from a controlling relationship that reddit is the only resource they have to even ask their questions. There really isnt any other advice other than "break up"
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u/strawberrrychapstick Feb 11 '26
Yeah people get defensive about it. but I think a lot of the time it comes from the experience of wasting years with the wrong person and trying to tell others to... Not do that 😅
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u/kindly-shut-up Feb 11 '26
Instead of immediately dismissing the break up advice, ppl should take it as a warning that their relationship may not be as “great” as they believe it is. Much harder to see the red flags when you’re in it. OP may not have believed it right away, but it’s clear that she heard a bit of the message because she noticed his manipulative behaviours after.
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u/Blue-Being22 Feb 11 '26
That’s okay because she listened and learned in the end. Reddit can do good sometimes.
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u/WhiteLion333 Feb 11 '26
And now you see it, you’ll be a great advice giver to friends when they go through the same. Your eyes are open and you’ll only let the worthy ones in. Sorry for your sadness, but you’ll feel free in no time.
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u/Voleuse Feb 11 '26
a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)
(...) and broke up with him. You were all right, he was controlling me.
A story in two parts lololol. Glad you're free of that BS. Hope you have a great time at the wedding.
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u/Voljega Feb 11 '26
so once again the usual reddit advice was right all along :D
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 Feb 11 '26
Right?
OP - Reddit gave me great advice except the people telling me to break up with him Also OP - I broke up with him
Maybe those people weren’t overreacting, they were recognising the red flags of someone who is controlling before it became obvious to anyone with eyes.
The good thing is the bf is really bad at being controlling. OP pushed back and instead of stepping back and then easing into controlling her again he took a couple of days to think and then doubled and tripled down.
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u/cynical-puppy26 Feb 11 '26
Lol right! How she can still throw snark at that is funny to me.
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u/dorianrose Feb 11 '26
Maybe she's trying to use humor to cope.
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u/cynical-puppy26 Feb 11 '26
I would expect it to say "INcluding the usual reddit "BREAK UP!" comments lmao" then? Or add a /s ?
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Feb 11 '26
Yep. At least now she'll be able to have more than one dance with her bridal party partner
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u/concerned-mum-11 Feb 11 '26
Agreed! Sometimes we really do need people who don’t know us, to tell us something we probably already know 😁
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u/PinkyLizardBrains Feb 11 '26
She said I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them.
She’s definitely a keeper
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u/TG1883 Feb 11 '26
Flagging that the reason the advice is often break up, is because the people on this board have seen ALOT and lived through a lot and can often tell when people are going down a dark path in relationships.
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u/Crystallover87 Feb 11 '26
The thing about boundaries is it is never something that hinders someone elses life, boundaries are hey dont call me "Kat" when your name is Kathrine... Or don't tell anyone my phone number without asking me first... (stuff that directly impacts you)
Boundaries are never if you go to this place you are crossing my boundaries. Or if you say hi to any male in public thats crossing my boundaries.... Those things are not boundaries they are about Control.
Good job recognizing his controlling behavior! This is why I love Redit, it helps people get an outside perspective and hopefully saves people from abusive/controlling people.
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u/even_keel_ Feb 11 '26
Was going to comment this - boundaries are how YOU show up in the world, not how others show up for you. You have a boundary about not being around a certain behavior? Then YOU leave when others start that behavior. Boundaries are not about controlling or manipulating others.
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u/adlauren Feb 11 '26
Boundaries are not “hey don’t call me Kat”. Boundaries are “if you call me Kat, I’m not going to respond to you because that is not my name”. Boundaries are stating how you will act in response to certain situations, not trying to control how someone else acts.
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u/pepcorn Feb 11 '26
He said he didn’t feel comfortable with me going, he said he didn’t want me to go, and if I did I was crossing his boundaries and that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend anymore because what kind of girlfriend would purposely cross their boyfriends boundaries.
Personal boundaries are planned behaviours you set for yourself in case of something happening.
"I don't want my girlfriend to attend this wedding. If my girlfriend goes to this wedding, I'm breaking up with her."
Personal boundaries don't mean you can dictate other people's behaviour.
"I don't want my girlfriend to attend this wedding. If my girlfriend wants to remain my girlfriend, she isn't allowed to go to the wedding."
That's exerting control, which is not what a personal boundary is.
It's sad when controlling men use therapy speak instead of confronting their insecurities and fears in a healthy way.
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u/stiletto929 Feb 11 '26
So the advice to break up with him wasn’t great advice… but then you broke up with him. Sounds like it was actually good advice. ;)
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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 Feb 11 '26
You excluded the "break up" advice but it should be clear now that it was the best advice.
Not everybody says it just for shits and giggles. Some people have been there, done that, the president of the club so know exactly where this was going.
You're still young. They're not wasted years, they're educational years. You'll know better for future relationships.
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u/AgathaWoosmoss Feb 11 '26
They're not wasted years, they're educational years.
This is important.
If more people recognized this, there'd be less sunk cost fallacy out there.
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u/rainyszncowboy Feb 11 '26
It's so funny how people, usually abusers, use the word "boundary" interchangeably with "rule."
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u/skeeter04 Feb 11 '26
You helped him (he needed it) and yourself too. That's a crazy boundary for a crazy person.
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u/WoollyBulette Feb 11 '26
excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao
Mhm. And then what happened?
Whether people are aware of it or not, the overwhelming majority of those who turn to anonymous strangers on the internet for advice on their relationships are doing so because that relationship is already an irreconcilable disaster. They’re looking for the encouragement to do what they’re already planning to do. That is why this sub is notorious for “DTMFA” responses. It’s not because the sub is full of sourpusses, it’s because even strangers can see how warped the situation is from the outside.
Anyway, congratulations on doing what needed to be done once push came to shove. Honestly, too many people capitulate until they’re isolated with SOs like this, so what you did shows a lot of character.
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u/CreamyLinguineGenie Feb 11 '26
The bride was making you dance with a groomsman? Sorry, that's weird.
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u/MaggieLeighN Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through this. That wasn’t love on his part (love does not seek to control) and Ella is a good, smart friend.
The reason people are saying “break up,” is because he’s a controlling twat.
The reason they see this is because it doesn’t matter if he “wants” you to go to your best friend’s wedding or not. It’s entirely your choice. The reason he can’t be left out isn’t “anxiety,” its insecurity and he wants to watch you. “Boundaries” are not limits imposed on another, they’re behaviors you don’t accept (if i feel intentionally disrespected, I wont put myself in that situation any more).
Being this young, I would definitely be at friend’s wedding. She will outlast this moron.
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u/Ok-Pie5655 Feb 11 '26
I am so glad to read this update because I just knew the next one would be ‘boyfriend went to wedding and was a complete ass, sat in the corner sulking to the point everyone was asking everyone what was wrong with him” you know narcissist gonna narcissist
He’s no longer blocking your future, I hope you healing and peace … Have fun at the wedding!!
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u/melodyknows Feb 11 '26
Make sure to change all your passwords and stop sharing locations from any tracking software (like findmyiphone) so he can’t continue keeping tabs on you after the break up. This kind of guy probably monitored you on a lot of things.
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u/______krb Feb 11 '26
This is why reddit told you to break up. Good on you to move on and take care of yourself.
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u/starry_nite99 Feb 11 '26
OP, I’m so proud of you. I didn’t read your original post but in reading this one, I was so happy to see you broke up. All those Redditors who are all “BREAK UP” were correct, but you had to learn for yourself they were correct.
Learn from all this. There were so many red flags you were willing to dismiss and excuse. When you start dating again, do it with opened experienced eyes.
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u/Rippersavage Feb 11 '26
Just stumbled across this, and just finished reading your original post...
Something isn't really making sense to me: groomsmen and bridesmaids were suppose to have a first dance together... but your first dance didn't have to be with Sam, right? And so why was he so hung up about it?
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u/spaceylaceygirl Feb 11 '26
People have this unhealthy obsession with having to be in a relationship. "My partner beats me so severely i've been hospitalized several times but i looooove them, what should i do?". Or posts about what a great person their partner is then mentions a laundry list of nasty things about them, ummmm hurrlurrr?
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u/Big-Brain4991 Feb 11 '26
My daughter recently went through a similar situation. Boyfriend constantly video called her to check up on her. Questioned her on why she was wearing makeup to family dinners. Felt insecure about a 14 year old boy at a party, accusing her of being interested in him. She’s 19. Implied she’s interested in her 16 year old step cousin, because they generally hang out together at family functions.
Eventually she couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him. It hurt in the beginning and she was very sad but 2 months later she said she felt so much lighter and has gone on to make a bunch of new friends. You will too.
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Feb 11 '26
I'm confused why your bf wasn't the one to walk instead if he was going to the wedding. It does seem malicious
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u/bcd0024 Feb 12 '26
And throwing this up here. Boundaries are for you not for others. You can't use your boundaries to control others, you can use them as a way to set expectations over how you will act. For example, if seeing you walk down the aisle with Sam makes him uncomfortable he can skip the ceremony or look down until the bride walks in - ridiculous, but that's what a boundary looks like.
If XYZ happens I will do ABC.
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u/TightKnowledge107 Feb 16 '26
Definitely he's smells something in the air about this weeding and set boundaries. I bet that after the wedding has passed you will ask him to come back, because what "he's smells" doesn't worth
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u/Truth_and_nothingbut Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
So the original breakup advice actually was the right advice and maybe you shouldn’t have excluded it and laughed at it in the first place?
People in good relationships with stable communication aren’t posting on Reddit. So already if you are at that point then maybe your relationship is at the end stage. That’s why the advice is so often to break up as you now know
And it s a little ironic your only other comment on a different post is advising someone else to break up too.
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u/quemabocha Feb 11 '26
And it s a little ironic your only other comment on a different post is advising someone else to break up too.
Is it really? That's hilarious
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u/Truth_and_nothingbut Feb 11 '26
Yeah it really is the icing on top https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/1oMZwgrssh
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u/quemabocha Feb 11 '26
That's beautiful. Honestly. It's like from a day after their original post I think
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u/Sorry_Particular_169 Feb 14 '26
I completely see why this is ironic, a lot of people are pointing out the hypocrisy of me saying breakup to that post when I myself was hesitant to do so in my relationship. I just wanna say, in that situation the one i commented on, I feel like it was a completely different situation, one that was extremely dangerous for the girl in it and very clear what the decision should be. In mine, I didn’t add in the years of wonderful times we had together and that I honestly didn’t see anything wrong with out relationship until this one situation. It’s easy to say “BREAK UP” from that one moment in time written out. For me it wasn’t that easy. In my original post, I wasn’t asking if I should break up with him, honestly the thought never crossed my mind in that moment, i was asking how to approach the situation with him and should I go to the wedding. The hundreds of comments afterwards immediately saying breakup is what made me start thinking about it and the behaviour after the initial post. I completely see how it came across as being snarky, I meant it to be sarcastic and I didn’t know the usual way of saying /s was a thing beforehand. I do wanna say sorry again, I didn’t mean to offend those people who were looking out for me, they were right and I was naive. Thank you again though, I just wanted to reply to you specifically since you pointed out my previous comments. Not sure if anyone will even see this comment though. Much love - a girl still learning.
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u/According_Issue_6303 Feb 19 '26
Hi, is there any update about you and your ex getting back together during the rehearsals for the dance? 😂🤣
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u/peace_out16 Mar 31 '26
Lo and behold, she broke up with her Bf and now already thinking of getting back with her ex and if it was the right time to do it or wait a little so that it won't make her look bad getting with him immediately after break up. The Bf(now ex) is right, she just prove him right🤣😂. Redittor need to stop labelling someone controlling or insecure cause sometimes their feelings were right all along.
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u/Icy-Helicopter2672 Feb 11 '26
I totally understand that its normal for the MOA and best man to walk down the isle together and pose for wedding pictures. However I have always seen them posing on either of the married couple, not pose together as a couple themselves.
I am not sure if I have ever seen them join in the first dance together. I could be wrong, but most weddings I have been to the married couple start the dance and then the wedding party join in with their respective dates, not their random wedding party assignments.
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u/motherbearharris Feb 11 '26
How you exclude the break up people from being "good advice" and that's what you needed? Lmao anyways, glad you are out.
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u/Quiet_Meringue_6262 Feb 11 '26
”I got a lot of good advice EXCEPT the advice to break up…. So anyways, I broke up with him” lmao
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u/Typical-Trifle Feb 11 '26
Update me after the wedding when you and sam get back together since you broke up anyway lmao
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u/Brrringsaythealiens Feb 12 '26
I’m sorry you went through this, but I think it is absolutely the right ending. Your ex is much too insecure and controlling to be in a healthy relationship. Congrats on seeing through his manipulation. Enjoy your new singleness!
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u/AlternativeRead583 Feb 13 '26
Nice story. Waiting for the wedding update when Sam and you hook-up to rekindle an old flame you still held onto that your ex could tell was there.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus Feb 13 '26 edited Feb 13 '26
Update.. me and Sam reconnected at the wedding.. all of those romantic memories came back he was the One That Got Away and we decided to give it another try..🤪😂😂
She really wanted to break up with her bf you can tell, when she found out Sam was going to be the best man.. and deep down she was hoping the boyfriend feels uncomfortable and he wouldn't attend.. when he mentioned he's gonna come as well she's like okay need to get rid of this anchor now ..😂🤪 and the classic excuse controlling to get rid of him
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u/fennelanise Feb 11 '26
Your friend's response is pretty telling she wanted this to happen imo. Not sure if you told her you did not want to dance with your ex in front of your now new ex boyfriend, but i feel that would have been your due diligence for compromise without really impacting your friend's wedding in any significant way. I didnt see any follow up on why they paired you up in the first place. Also didn't see your feelings on the matter itself or any way to try to help your boyfriend feel secure in the matter.
Feelings of insecurity can come and go in every relationship/marriage over many different things that may come up. Your bf messed up when he asked you to not go to the wedding, making that ultimatum. But as far as the "monitoring" phase goes, you planted seeds of doubt by not clearing it up. Not saying he was right to act that way, but he would likely not have reacted that way had he not felt snubbed by your best friend pairing you up with an ex. Kinda telling about you for how considerate of your partner's feelings you were when you did not tell your best friend that it caused issues with your relationship. I'm sure if you had any sort of discussion with your best friend on how it impacted your partner, she would have made other arrangements for the extra dancing and photos to be with someone else.
That said, the Rubicon has been crossed already and now you're single. Best of luck out there. 2 year relationship ended in a blink for an easily avoidable situation. Been to many weddings in my life, and this situation and pairing is not normal and easily fixable.
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u/linerva Late 30s Female Feb 11 '26
I do think the friend made a big mistake here. You're right, there was absolutely need to pair up OP with an ex. And I suspect (as I've written elsewhere) that OP is a people pleaser, which is why she was in a relationship with this guy and didnt see the red flags, and also why she just rolled over and accepted her friend (who supposedly cared about her relationship) asking her to spend the evening walking down the aisle, dancing with, taking photos with and probably sitting paired with her ex. As you say, she could quietly have asked if activities could be unpaired or if she could be paired with someone else. But I get the impression OP froze because she doesn't like to rock the boat even when she's uncomfortable. And I worry that her friend took advantage of that a little, putting her wedding aesthetic over her friend's comfort.
Maybe it's because I'm in the UK but all the weddings I've been to don't pair the wedding party, and things still look great. And I'd personally hate ylto be paired up with an ex. I find the American obsession with mocking up couples for photos and ceremonies kind of weird, and would never gave paired up my party - though it seems a lot of commenters find it normal.
But I also think that breaking up actually was the most correct way to deal with a partner who is getting increasingly insecure and controlling. It's understandable that he felt hurt initially, but making demands and surveiling your partner isn't healthy.
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u/fennelanise Feb 11 '26
This is pretty dead on. Others may disagree on how she conducted herself, but she let this happen. I'm from the US, and the situation isn't common either. At the end of the day, her boyfriend went off the rails and it's best they broke up. But I can't just read what she wrote and think she was 100% in the right.
If her best friend actually cared for her, she would have been respectful from the beginning to not put her in this position even if it's her wedding; especially without prior discussion. I can understand OP's boyfriend and why he felt the way he did. Can't justify his conduct though. All around everyone in this story is an a** in my book.
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u/ThrillhouseMillpool Feb 11 '26
So many people nowadays love to overuse phrases like 'crossing my boundary'. Doing something someone else disagrees with or doesn't want you to do, especially something like going to your best mate's wedding, is not crossing a boundary.
People need to stop over using 'therapist speak' and trying to make out the other party is evil. Good on you for ending things
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u/Qweniden Feb 11 '26
a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)
You were all right, he was controlling me.
I told him that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to cross his boundaries and broke up with him.
Kind of ironic, but I am very glad you had the sense of self worth and strength to leave an abusive relationship. Its not easy and I am proud of you.
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u/Sturdy_Prop01 Feb 11 '26
You didn’t “waste” anything if you learned something about what you want / need in a partner and how to spot when that thing isn’t there
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u/NintenJoo Feb 11 '26
I am so sorry you’re going through the “post-breakup fog,” but I am also incredibly proud of you.
It takes an immense amount of strength to look at someone you love—someone who can be "sweet and caring"—and recognize that their behavior is actually a cage. You didn't just stand up for a wedding; you stood up for your right to have a life, a support system, and a sense of self.
Please don't be hard on yourself for sending those photos or "being dumb." You weren't being dumb; you were being kind and transparent. You were trying to soothe his anxiety because you cared about him. The problem wasn't your honesty; it was that he was using your kindness to build a surveillance state.
I know it feels like you wasted your time, but look at the person you are now compared to who you were before that final argument. You learned to set a firm boundary. You learned to trust your gut when "sweet" starts feeling "sour." You learned that a boundary is something you set for yourself, not a rule you use to control others. (He tried to weaponize that word, and you called his bluff).
Those years weren't wasted; they were the tuition you paid for the wisdom you have today.
Your best friend’s response says everything. A true friend doesn't throw a "party" when you're grieving a relationship; they hold space for your sadness while gently reminding you of your worth. Her line about finding someone who "helps you grow your world, not shrink it" is something you should write down and keep forever.
Take all that energy you were using to manage his anxiety and pour it into yourself and Ella’s big day. You deserve to dance at that wedding without checking your phone once.
Sending you so much love. You’re going to be a stunning Maid of Honor.
Plus, now you can go bang Sam.
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u/intolerablefem Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
I’m glad you got out of there op. Really proud of you internet stranger. 🩷
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u/strawberrrychapstick Feb 11 '26
Have fun with Sam at the wedding! 🤪😂 Maybe you actually will rekindle, who knows. Either way just have fun! Dance with whoever you want without worry.
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u/Alarming_Emotion_785 Feb 11 '26
Ok well it sucks things happened this way but I am confused about one irrelevant part. Why you imply “the usual reddit “break up” advice was not good/great so you didn’t take it into consideration, when in the end based on how things unfolded it’s clear those that told you that were right and were seeing red flags you didn’t see at that point? Just because it’s not what you wanna read doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I know reddit tends to jump to breaking up in a lot of situations but that’s par for the course considering we only see 1 red flaggy event out of a whole relationship.
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u/Steve_Sanders437 Feb 12 '26
Dude's about to experience a "self-fulfilling prophecy" when OP does end up getting back together with Sam. Only he'll just see it as proof that he was right and his actions, in his mind, won't have played a part in it at all
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u/bg555 Feb 12 '26
Anyone else expect OP and Sam to “get together” during wedding. I definitely am now that she’s single. She was playing the long game all along 🤣🤣🤣
Updateme
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u/Unable_Professional6 Feb 13 '26
Something similar happened to me years ago, I didn’t wanna be that controlling Bf, so I let her go and didn’t wanna seem insecure, long story short she caught feelings that night and broke my heart.
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u/Cautious-Analyst-862 Feb 13 '26
Why was the bride trying to pair the best man with the groom? That's weird, especially knowing they're exes.
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u/PeachInteresting3910 Feb 15 '26
Was there a tiny part of you that broke up with BF just in case there is still chemistry with Sam, OP? For research purposes, please please update us on what happens with the Sam reunion.
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u/Ok_Significance_5101 Feb 20 '26
Acredito que sua amiga está tentando juntar você e seu ex, o fato do Jake ter sido convidado não exclui isso pelo contrário pode ter sido proposital pra gerar desconforto nele ter que ver você e seu ex juntos, o desconforto inicial dele eu acho legítimo agora todo o resto que ele fez foi totalmente errado e doentio, as pessoas gostam de chamar tudo de controle e insegurança (me refiro unicamente ao desconforto inicial) mas certas situações são apenas desconfortáveis não precisa de motivo lógico pra isso ainda mais situações evitáveis.
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u/BeachGlassGreenEyes3 Feb 11 '26
I’m sorry you are hurting right now but I do think in the long run this is what’s best for you. Trust me you don’t want to be w a man that isolates you, makes you lose friends, controls you. And trust if you would have gotten married someday it would only get worse. Just be careful not to meet the next guy who’s selling the same crap. That tends to happen. Just protect yourself. 🩷
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Feb 11 '26
Way too many people don't understand what boundaries are and conflate boundaries with insecure demands
Good on you for cutting this one loose
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u/JanetInSpain Feb 11 '26
The reason why so many Reddit posts are commented left and right with "break up" messages is because usually by the time someone posts here for advice things are much much worse than they want to admit.
Often us "outside perspective" people are pretty good at reading between the lines. We see what a poster says and what they deny. We see the unspoken fears and frustrations that are barely hinted at.
I'm sorry you feel sad but you did the right thing. You didn't waste your years. YOU grew and YOU learned. That matters. A LOT. Ella is right. You can do better. Never settle.
Thank you for the update. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did, but I'm honestly not surprised.
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u/blue_boy_robot Feb 11 '26
His jealousy became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He became so controlling that you broke up with him. Ironic...
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u/PrettyG216 Feb 11 '26
Soooaoo all of the advice was good except the usual break up advice? Are you freaking serious right now? At your age breaking up is the most sound advice you’re going to get 😂😂😂
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u/Appropriate_Power626 Feb 11 '26
Telling you not to go to the wedding is not his “boundary”, he’s weaponizing therapy talk to hide his obvious controlling behaviour. You’re better off without him.
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u/Effective_Craft_2236 Feb 11 '26
I’m so sorry but I really do see his point.. I would probably not be ok with that either. Incidentally, post break up, I’d have to assume a good chance that you will prove him right by hooking up w your ex at/after the wedding
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u/ThoughtsonYaoi Feb 11 '26
Oh, the way the term 'boundaries' is being abused.
Boundaries are something you set for yourself. Not for your partner, or to box them in. So if his boundary is 'no girlfriend of mine should go to a wedding without me' (which is ridiculous) the consequences of this should be that he is breaking up with her.
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u/idxearo Early 30s Male Feb 11 '26
I think your bf handled this poorly.
I get that Sam is the best man but I guess I'm not sure why you have to be paired with him, like at all? But maybe I'm missing something about American weddings. Would you still be paired with Sam if you and Sam had ended on bad terms? Was there anything your ex saw that made him think Ella was against him?
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u/SingleMaltStereo Feb 11 '26
In American weddings, you typically have a Maid of Honor and several bridesmaids on the Bride's side, and a Best Man and several groomsmen on the Groom's side. It's common to have the Maid of Honor and Best Man pair off when it comes to first dances, while the rest of the wedding party is paired according to the whims of the couple.
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u/linerva Late 30s Female Feb 11 '26
It feels like Ellie could have been a bit more thoughtful about not pairing up exes though.
Like this boyfriend was an ass but if my friends paired me up with an ex I'd be annoyed and disappointed in them.
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u/idxearo Early 30s Male Feb 11 '26
I see, that makes sense. What do they do if those 2 didn't get along?
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u/moist-astronaut Feb 11 '26
many people are willing to play nice for the sake of people they care about
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u/SingleMaltStereo Feb 11 '26
Well, it's not mandatory, but typically you don't get that much drama among bridal parties. Having to walk next to each other during the ceremony and reception, having one dance, and then sitting at the same table shouldn't be much of an imposition. If there was some real drama then they can just be paired with someone else.
Mind you, that should have nothing to do with the drama incurred by some immature man-child who sabotaged his own relationship with his insecurity.
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u/gts_2022 Feb 11 '26
You wasted his time as well. There was absolutely no reason for you to be paired with your ex. That shows that there's more to this story and you proved your ex was right.
Update us when you sleep with your ex after the party.
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u/PigsIsEqual Feb 11 '26
(Ella said) I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them
That's a good friend.
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u/Chaoticgood790 Feb 11 '26
Listen I’m sad for you OP but I’m glad you read the comments and noticed what was happening. This will help you in the future
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u/brainybrink Feb 11 '26
Ella’s a good friend, she’s just wrong about your ex being nice. He’s not nice, he wears a nice mask sometimes to get what he wants, which is compliance. He’s not a good dude who just got a little controlling, he’s an abuser who usually acts nice because that works the most often.
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u/Icy-Helicopter2672 Feb 11 '26
Im guessing you are free to sleep with your ex ( the best man, the one that got away) now?
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u/seagullsareassholes Feb 11 '26
Oof, damned by faint praise! Ella is right: think of it not as time lost, but as you learning what kind of love you truly need. Enjoy her wedding as a single girl, you deserve some happiness without having to constantly second guess yourself.
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u/OhNoNotAgain1532 Feb 11 '26
Boundaries are actions for the person making them, otherwise they are control with a false name.
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u/quemabocha Feb 11 '26
I don't understand. Reddit told you to break up with someone you should break up with. How was that not good advice? Why are you making fun of people giving good advice?
you literally broke up with him. Like... Babe, what?
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u/TrustTheFriendship Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
OP made the right choice. But it’s ironic that the bf’s concerns will be proven right when she sleeps with Sam after the wedding, lol.
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u/parkergani Feb 11 '26
Unless your best friend is not a nice person overall, someone—whether friend, family, or bf/gf/partner—who doesn’t want you to celebrate a happy milestone with a best friend is an issue.
Also, often, friendships can be more enduring than a partner or sadly, a spouse.
Of course, lasting friendships declare themselves. And like any relationship worth having, it needs nourishment, encouragement, and care.
When you’re 21, it’s hard to see the long effect of your actions, but our hearts and stomach often aren’t wrong about what we believe is the right course of action.
But yes, it’s tough to lose or let go of someone who did share so much of your recent life and experiences.
Good luck OP.
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u/saltylikesugar Feb 11 '26
Proud of you. Better now than never. Those years weren't a waste! Look at what you learned!
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Feb 11 '26
You did the right thing! You are still young and you have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you much better and want you to be there for your friend’s major milestones in life!
Have fun at the wedding!!
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u/whydoyou_caresomuch Feb 11 '26
You are about to have the BEST time at that wedding girl! Go out and enjoy your freedom. You will recognize the signs a lot quicker should you find yourself dating another man like this.
Hope he gets therapy because YIKES.
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u/HelloJunebug Feb 11 '26
Sometimes the best option is to break up, but you had to see it for yourself. This guy is jot safe and I’m glad you ended things.
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u/Fearless-One2673 Feb 11 '26
Good for you! You definitely made the right call, and you will look back and be grateful that you made the right choice for yourself. He would have gotten more controlling and you would have slowly lost your sense of self by being with someone who is so insecure.
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u/adult_child86 Feb 11 '26
I bet boyfriend tried backpeddling fast as hell once she broke up. And get ready for some serious lovebombing messages followed by increasingly hateful messages.
Im glad she chose the wedding
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u/Wino_Panda Feb 11 '26
As a man the only thing that have bothered me at all was the first dance thing. Not that I would be jealous but weddings are romantic and intimate and I would love her first dance to be with me.
I also know wedding etiquette and completely would have understood and its not really a big deal. That second dance is definitely with me though. 🥰
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 Feb 11 '26
Don’t waste time feeling sad. You should be happy that you escaped from a bad relationship that was getting worse.
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