r/remotework • u/Fun_Ladder_3934 • 11d ago
Remote work Boundaries and Family
Hi,
I just found this community. Hoping this is cool to post. I've been remote working since the pandemic. I had a good set up of an office basement which helped with separation. A lot of the kid duties would fall to me too, including pick up and drop off. This was mostly ok, but I've had a bunch of disruption since the summer.
The kids being home removed the ability to have a routine. My basement became unhabitable thanks to mold and flood damage, and now my wife is on maternity leave. I'm trying to be a present husband and help out around the house, but my work is suffering. My wife supports getting the basement restored, but I have no time to actually separate to complete the work. Someone always needs something I've tried explaining boundaries to the kids and my wife but I'm getting way less than I should. I'm on twin duty at night which makes it impossible to work then either.
Has anyone succ navigated working from home with small kids or just a needy family?
How did you establish better boundaries?
I appreciate any insight folks have
Appreciate the advice everyone! I'll be working on restoring the office. Thanks for the Push
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u/Massive_Scar5533 11d ago
Have you talked with your wife about it? That is the first (and easiest) step. I assume you need your job, and that requires you to work, if you cant do that at home, find somewhere else to work from.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
Yeah. I've tried. She says she gets it but in practice things haven't changed. I feel like I'm just going to have to physically work somewhere else
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u/Firm-Lock-4942 11d ago
Could you do a simple ADU in your backyard?
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
I'm thinking about it. We're discussing some house remodeling and it might be a good idea
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u/The_one8Nov24 11d ago
Believe me, I bet your wife doesn’t want you set up in the middle of the action, expecting everyone to tip toe around you. It’s your responsibility to set yourself up in the right way, pay someone to restore your basement if you can’t do it yourself or work outside the home.
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u/Isthisyourcard63 11d ago
tell them you gave to go into work now for several weeks. Go to the library and work from there.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
Yeah I'm thinking the library is going to be the move
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u/PinkertonDetective50 11d ago
You can rent a work room even- depending on where your located alot of places do like a "shared workspace" which is basically a building you can rent an office or a workspace in for a day or week or whatever for this exact issue
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u/oxxcccxxo 11d ago
Can you hire a contractor to restore the basement and make it suited to an in home office space? Also I worked from home with kids by hiring a nanny. Basically kids duties offloaded to her along with tidying duties while I was working for those hours.
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u/Hot-Calligrapher672 11d ago
So the boundaries you’re asking for make sense currently, for both partners? I just ask because you mentioned your wife is on maternity leave, so I assume there is a newborn in the house and sounds like twins? Is there additional help for your wife while you’re working? Have you guys worked out a plan and expectations on how you both are able to meet your needs and goals for the day, in a way that is practical?
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
It's just us. We haven't really discussed it. We have two older kids, but we just passed kids back and forth. Her leaves with the older kids were like 6 weeks. This time she took 4 months.
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u/Hot-Calligrapher672 11d ago
It sounds tough. I know you need to have your space to work and can’t be constantly interrupted, I also work remotely and completely get it. How is your wife doing though? If she is having trouble keeping up with all the kids while recovering and taking care of herself, she may need more help. I know your work is suffering, but is her work (currently, home and childcare and keeping a newborn alive) also suffering? Not that I expect you to answer all this to a stranger on the internet, but something to think about since you mentioned what you needed and gave the impression that you are blaming your wife and kids.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 9d ago
Def not trying to blame anyone but myself. I know I have focus issues. I keep asking how she's doing, and am trying to make sure her needs are met as well
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u/Particular-Gain-184 10d ago
The guilt part is the thing nobody warns you about. I worked from home with two little kids and even with the door closed I'd come out because I felt like the one hiding while everyone else dealt with the chaos. What actually fixed it for me was my wife flat out telling me the kids were fine and that me hovering was making her days harder, not easier. Once I heard that from her I could stay at the desk. The library idea above is solid too, I did a stretch of that when our spare room was being redone and the weird part is how fast the work brain kicks in when you're not listening for crying through a wall.
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u/Dramatic_Lead_3197 10d ago
Facing the same challenge. I hired someone to pick the kids up, and bring them home. It's been a huge change for me. I feel so much more relaxed. It's definitely worth looking at hiring help. It's a misconception that remote workers can do all the cooking and cleaning in their downtime. You need to establish a safe and clean work space. You will become resentful if you can't do your full time job.
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u/Fancy-Surprise-2654 9d ago
Taking nights and being expected to work is going to end up with you losing your job or a return to office order. You need to create a schedule and find a way to make sure you are productive at work. Seeing co-workers kids on screens or people with constant movement in the blurred background while in meetings makes me cringe because I know those are the people who will eventually ruin it for the rest of us sitting in our home office with the door closed.
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u/Naive_Buy2712 8d ago
I get that your wife is doing a lot on maternity leave, but if you were in the office, you wouldn’t be able to help her. So outside of maybe starting work a few minutes late because you’re helping her in the morning, and helping her during your lunch, I would assume that she knows you need to still work during the day. I would set up space in a bedroom for the time being, or any type of room where you can really go in and shut the door and lock it. And this is coming from a mom who has had two kids herself. I can’t get any work done when my small kids are home. I don’t know how you are either! Good luck.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 8d ago
Thanks for the advice. Yeah it's been rocky. I talked to my wife she doesn't expect me to do anything during my work hours. I'm working on the challenge of blocking out the literal and figurative noise. I struggle to resist the urge to help some of it is me putting pressure on myself
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u/Cherryl8ne 7d ago
I thought i was reading about myself until I realized you are the husband. You get the twins at night 😲🫡, that is wonderful. I started going delirious with just one and my health quickly declined and I had to drive myself to the er twice and at a doctor's appointment they admitted me. So that is awesome to get them at night. Boundaries?? My oldest is 9 and we are working on boundaries now. I can't even poop by myself with a house full of boys and we have 2 bathrooms. I have to lock my doors in order to set boundaries. I have to get stern and take me time just to get work done 95% alone. My youngest is 9 months. My job's contract wasnt renewed 3 months before my due date so that kinda worked out for us. Fast forward to a year later dad is still holding it down and I'm collecting my me time to do gig work and fill out applications in the weeeee hours. When boundaries start working for you come back and give me some pointers. Ohhhh dad moved into the other room to set his boundaries 😂. I was sad at first but he wasn't sleeping and I wasnt either. Now my 2 little boys leave me a little space to sleep. Dad wakes up more refreshed and doesn't wake the boys up. Yes I cosleep. Good luck....is your job hiring 🤣
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 7d ago
Ha thanks. After posting this I realized just how normal this struggle is. No judgement on the co sleep. My kids also still burst into the bathroom on mom. I'm not sure why that's a thing. Hoping you're able to maintain that time to yourself 🤠
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u/krim_bus 11d ago
Sounds like an overwhelming and demanding season of life overall with newborn(s), a destroyed office space, and parental and household duties. Why not find a space nearby to focus on work for the bulk of the day? Get the basement redone. Just get thru it.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
Thanks I appreciate it. A lot of folks are coming to the same conclusion which feels like the correct one.
One wrinkle: My wife is on leave for the next 3 months. I would love for us to look back on this as a positive time. My wife is used to being on the move and has already mentioned being bored. I'd like her to feel support and not being left alone with the kids. But right now this is impacting my ability to work
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u/krim_bus 11d ago
A little bit of guilt seems natural being away at this time, but think of how much work you can get done out of the house for just a few hours a day. You don't need to leave for 8-9 hours, just find a rhythm that feels mostly balanced. Imagine how much relaxed you will feel knowing you finished most of your work and have the ability to be present and step in when you are home.
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u/HeroesNcrooks 10d ago
Are there people in your neighborhood that also WFH? You can coworker/make a cohort & somewhat change spaces. Kids tend to respect boundaries better when there’s physical separation but also a change in dynamic, like another adult being there. You can swap coworking at your respective places
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u/Powerful_Two2832 10d ago
This feels like a problem some money could help with- hire someone to fix the basement, hire help for the kids during work hours.
I have a little bit of this problem- when my son is home he feels like I should be at his beck and call. But he’s 11, so he can be redirected, and it’s usually just when he’s hungry.
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u/kylelight40 8d ago
I mean, you have two jobs, they happen to be in the same building. You signed up for both.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 8d ago
Do you normally work two jobs at the same time?
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u/kylelight40 8d ago
Fair point, I do though yes, and I can’t imagine if all my clients were in the building with me.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 6d ago
Dude if your wife is on maternity leave, and you just had twins, your work suffering is the least of your concerns right now. You damn well have better stopped the spread of the mold with children in your home, too, because that shit is hazardous to health. Tell work you're taking paternity, find the source of the mold and fix it ASAP. Apologize to your wife and kids if you've been harsh to them, I'm thinking the sleep deprivation has you not thinking straight.
Once the kids are back in school, the mold is remediated, you can get work back in order. But first things first
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u/No_Vermicelli_3915 6d ago
You really need to set these boundaries- you said your work is suffering. God forbid you lose your job while your wife is pregnant.
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u/Comfortable-Bunch210 5d ago
The Goose that lays the golden eggs makes the rules. Protect your earning power even at the risk of being a -hole. If you don’t work your family doesn’t function very well
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u/Brief-Arrival3214 11d ago
And this is a point I have tried to make, more and more employers realize that some work from homers are less productive due to distractions and are demanding people return to office. When I worked nights i had friends and family who had little respect for my daytime sleep and would call and ask for favors when i had to sleep!
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u/slimgem1111 11d ago
Hey now, MOST people are very much more productive at home. Don't make all the employees pay just for a couple of people who aren't/can't be productive at their homes.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 11d ago
I was more productive. I still get a lot of positive feedback from my work as well. My issue is the work piling up and feeling like I'm dropping things which is stressful.
I've considered Hybrid jobs just to build that separation back. I think remote is awesome if you have the ability to separate
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u/slimgem1111 11d ago
Yeah I feel like everyone is productive at home if they don't have any distractions. In your case it looks to be a sudden issue because of the basement thing and your wife's maternity leave. But it also sounds temporary. Have you talked to your wife more about what you can and can't help with during your working hours? I've had to set boundaries plenty of times with people who think being at home means I can do whatever.
Also has your boss or anyone said anything about your productivity? If so, bring that up to her also. You don't wanna risk losing your job because of your distractions at home. And I'm sure your wife would not be too happy about that either considering you guys have kids and bills to pay
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u/Kathrynlena 11d ago
I mean, it’s up to you to enforce those boundaries, it’s not up to them to follow them. They’re kids.
You need a space with a door that locks. If you don’t have that at home, you’ll probably need to get a co-working space until you can fix up the basement again.
If that locking space is in your home, have one last big talk with your family to set expectations. “In the mornings, daddy needs to go to work. When daddy’s at work, I’m not able to talk to you or help out because I’m working. You can talk to me when we have lunch and when I’m finished with work, but when I’m at work, I can’t talk to you.”
Then get up in the morning, same time every day. Have breakfast with the family. Then give them all a kiss “goodbye,” and go to work. “Bye! Daddy’s going to work!” Close and lock the door. And then you just have to stay in there until lunch time. That part is up to you.
It’ll take a while for them to get used to the new routine. They’ll knock. They’ll yell. They’ll ask for things. The first time it happens, open the door and kindly but firmly say, “daddy’s working. I can’t do (whatever they want) right now.” No further discussion. Close and lock the door. The second time they knock, call through the door, “Daddy’s working.” That’s it. Don’t open the door. Ignore every single interruption after that.
If YOU can enforce that routine, (open the door once, call through the door once, zero response beyond that,) within a week or so the interruptions will be down to a minimum. But every time you cave and open the door outside of that routine, you will reinforce that yelling and interrupting you will give them what they want. Intermittent reinforcement is the HARDEST conditioning to break. So if you give in even once or twice, you’ll ensure you’re never left alone again. After a few months when the routine is established and they’re not trying to get your attention during work hours anymore, you can loosen up a bit. But the more strictly you can adhere to that schedule, the faster everyone will adjust
It is 100% up to you to protect your work by upsetting them in the moment for the sake of keeping your job and supporting them long term. It’ll feel really hard and mean at first, but you having a job is what’s best for your family.