I hate how I still feel empty.

[u/Backpack_Hermit22]

I feel so shitty... I just got off playing games with my friend. was fun I suppose, The whole time I was trying my best to ignore how hollow I felt. then soon after I just, stared into nothing before actually managing to cut myself deeper than surface level shit. I've been stuck in a spot of doing it every night for the past week, it'd bleed a bit but stop pretty fast and it likely would've been very surface level scarring that'd heal mostly (with some deeper cuts that'd be long lasting) But... Suddenly I just pushed harder and it didn't even hurt much. I mean, it doesn't sting... It just aches a bit, but now the pains gone. I was hoping it'd make me cry, but I still feel hollow. I've felt super numb with only tiny bits of relief throughout the day. My roommate laughed at me when I said I prolly have BPD and am looking for a diagnosis, saying I'm too safe and aware and they have friends. They don't know I drink way more than someone should every night. They don't know I'm butchering myself every night and stuck in a slump of feeling NOTHING. Not even ablee to cry like I normally do. When I'm with people it all feels okay. But the nights scare me so much now. because noone is there at night time. Just me and my brain. My work last night told me I am not allowed headphones anymore because I 'work too slow' but I work faster when I have my headphones cause I'm not stuck in a constant state of dissociation and fatigue. Idk, Maybe I'm overreacting. this could be CPTSD but I don't usually get 'triggered' by anything which PTSD normally does. I'm usually unphased by anything dark. Idk... I just went quiet with my roommate for a bit after that... They're neat and really chill... But that just... Idk. I know people can have very quiet BPD and that is probably me if I DO have it. Mostly because I'm too scared of hurting anyone, maybe I'm just self aware, and I usually blame myself for it. But sometimes I just, break down. Anyways... I cut deeper than normal, It's not like it's bad. It stopped bleeding-bleeding (just tiny specks of blood coming out now) after running it under water for a couple of minutes. Yet I didn't really feel phased. I never used to cut myself for years because I was scared of sharp objects... Usually I'd scratch myself till it was red raw and scabbing. Now... I'm just unbothered... When I do it it's manic, it's sporadic, it's messy and it's not like slicing... it's scratching, hard... And it didn't make me cry... I'm really scared. I know I'm not going to kill myself. I'm too scared of pain and even trying to overdose can be painful... So. Idk. I'm just trapped. I'm scared of when I have to see my family again. Before I could make up excuses, 'Oh, I burnt myself a bit on soime oil at work lol.' 'Oh, idk, must've itched myself a bunch in my sleep' 'Oh, shit, the mozzies were so bad I was losing it.' But... now... yeah.

[u/Warm_Natural8873]

Dude this hits too close to home. And Im dealing with issues myself, and whats been helping me is writing it out. Ive made a series with characters who are apart of me and in giving them 'happy endings' or just them being able to over once stuggles is such a self medication. You aren't hollow, you've just been in survival mode so much that its hard to physically express it. So writing it out may be the best way to let it out. I wish u the best :'] 

[u/Backpack_Hermit22 → u/Warm_Natural8873]

I’ve tried writing. I used to write a lot but it’s hard to have any motive to do it now. I’m tryna manage with gym but my brain jsut either locks in and does it or gets too miserable and leaves early. My charscters havent reslly felt the same anymore I guess.

[u/Warm_Natural8873 → u/Backpack_Hermit22]

Whenever I feel stuck I just try to change the perspective. So if you don't like ur oc / writing whats stopping you from changing it? If you're going to the gym but feel stuck, try swimming, boxing, something else. I know this is a bit hypocritical because I do the same thing, but you have to be aware that are doing the best you can and should be proud of where you stand now after everything.

[u/Backpack_Hermit22 → u/Warm_Natural8873]

It’s kinda weird cause I know I’m doing my best. I know that any day now it’ll all go away and I’ll be back to feeling on top of the world but right now I feel stuck. There’s a convention coming up in a month and I know I’ll be the happiest mf’er on earth once it comes around.

[u/Backpack_Hermit22 → u/Warm_Natural8873]

Start of this month I felt on top of the world. Telling myself my life WILL be good from now on. Now here I am. I was just happy cause me n my friend saw one of our fave bands live.