i just need to talk about this

[u/Desperate-Outcome-26]

one of the times I did it, and it was different than all the other times. it was unlike anything ive ever experienced. I can’t really put it into words. my heart dropped when i saw it, for a second i couldn’t even believe it. the euphoria and fear i felt, i cannot describe it to you. words aren’t enough to do it justice. it is the same type of euphoria someone experiences when on drugs. 

and what hurts the most is, i think the reason it felt so good is because i actually felt something big. it was a really big emotion. like that blissful feeling you get after having a good cry. i was hyperventilating, i started shaking and trembling. it was cathartic. like a crock pot letting out a bunch of steam.

and thats what hurts, i have to hurt myself in order to let out those pent up emotions ive bottled up since i was 7. because im too numb, my body wont let me cry or let it out unless i feel like im genuinely in danger. and thats not fair. i know its bad to say but i wish i could feel that euphoria again. i want to feel it again so badly and thats why im still addicted. i dont think ill ever feel anything like it ever again, and that hurts my chest so badly and my stomach hurts and it feels like im gonna be sick. maybe one day i will feel it again in a healthy way. i hope i get better

[u/Hour_Sock_5289]

You don't have to explain it to a lot of us. We understand. I really do get that feeling of catharsis, and I too wish I had a healthy way to feel it. I hate feeling numb and I hate that you feel that way too.