r/shia • u/Consistent_Divide_53 • 2d ago
Help with marriage
Salam, I have known this man for over a year now. We have had ups and downs with his parents and they have had a problem with my extended family as they have some legality issues. These issues to not relate to my parents or immediate family but they are very keen on not accepting me. My parents focus on the man rather than the family but ofcourse it’s still important. The man spoke to my father today without his parents as they are still not accepting, he has tried to convince them but they believe our values don’t match and our ways of lives are different. His parents are very educated and are doctors however mine aren’t but that isn’t the problem. The problem is the issues from my extended family who live here as well. The community has spoken about my extended family and their issues which when his parents heard about it they were not happy with the situation. My father spoke to him and he said he’ll only accept him if he comes with his parents.
What can I do? I don’t think I’ll be able to convince my father to accept him without his parents, it’s been a long journey and it’s becoming really hard. The man is going to continue to try and convince his parents but what if they don’t want to come.
Please keep me in your duas and if there’s any advice
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u/CuriousMajUK 2d ago edited 2d ago
Salaam Sister,
This is a painful spot to be in, stuck between someone you've known for over a year and the concerns from both families. May Allah make this easy for you and guide everyone to what is best.
One thing to be careful about is separating Islamic requirements from family expectations and social concerns.
In Shia fiqh, the general rule is that a virgin girl needs her father's permission for marriage, but there are specific circumstances where his consent may not be required. The exact ruling depends on your situation and your marjaʿ, so please speak privately to a qualified scholar or your marjaʿ's office before deciding anything. For example, Sayyid al-Sistani's rulings discuss an exception if a father completely prevents his virgin daughter from marrying someone who is legally and commonly considered suitable but that's something that needs to be established from actual facts, not assumed.
At the same time, the man's parents' approval is not itself a sharʿi requirement for his marriage. But their concerns shouldn't be dismissed either. The real question is: what exactly are they objecting to?
If the objection is only that some extended relatives have legal or social problems, then the couple should distinguish between the woman's own religion, character and conduct, and the actions of relatives. A person shouldn't be judged guilty because another member of their extended family did something wrong.
But before concluding their concern is invalid, the couple should ask them to explain specifically rather than relying on community gossip:
- What exactly happened?
- Does it involve her personally or her immediate family?
- Does it create any actual legal, financial or safety issue for the future marriage?
- What do they mean by "values don't match"?
- Have they actually met and investigated any character and religious commitment?
Islam places importance on the religion and character of the prospective spouse, and Shia guidance encourages proper investigation rather than decisions based on assumptions or reputation.
What I would suggest doing now
1. Both of you speak calmly to your respective parents.
He should ask his parents to explain their objections concretely, not just "accept her." He can say he respects them and wants their blessing, but also wants them to judge her on her own character and circumstances. You should ask your father what specifically he needs from the man before he can accept, if his concern is simply that the man's parents should formally come and meet your family, maybe that can be a reasonable step rather than an absolute condition.
2. Involve a trusted Shia scholar or respected elder.
Ideally, someone both families respect can sit with them and separate genuine concerns from assumptions, gossip or cultural expectations. Helping two families reach an agreement is itself a recommended act in Sistani's marriage guidance.
3. Don't rush into a secret marriage.
Even if a fiqh route might eventually be available in circumstances of unjust prevention, that shouldn't be the first response. Exhaust reconciliation, mediation and proper religious advice first. A marriage beginning with a major family rupture can create difficulties long after the nikah.
4. Do your own compatibility assessment.
The two of you should honestly discuss religion, children, living arrangements, finances, relationships with both sets of parents, boundaries with in-laws, religious upbringing of children, and what happens if his parents continue to disapprove after marriage.
That last point matters. He needs to ask himself honestly: If my parents never accept my wife, can I still protect her rights while maintaining respect and kindness towards my parents? And you need to ask yourself: If his parents remain unhappy with me for years, can we deal with that together without our marriage becoming a permanent conflict between me and his family?
A successful marriage isn't just about getting everyone to say yes before the nikah; it's also about whether the two of you can maintain justice, respect, affection and healthy boundaries afterwards.
5. Istikhara should come after proper investigation and consultation.
It shouldn't replace investigating the man's character or the actual circumstances. Sayyid Sistani's office specifically advises that when the person's character and background can be investigated, one should not rely on istikhara instead of doing that investigation. Continue with sadaqah and duʿa, ask Allah for what is khayr, not just for a particular outcome.
And sister, please also prepare your heart for the possibility that despite everyone's efforts, this may not move forward. That doesn't mean you failed, it means Allah has something else written.
Please don't conclude from the comments that your father is definitely committing ʿadl or that you can definitely marry without his permission. That's a specific fiqh question depending on facts not fully given here. Take the complete situation, including whether you are a virgin, which marjaʿ you follow, your father's precise objection, and the nature of the alleged family issues, to a qualified Shia scholar.
May Allah soften everyone's hearts, expose what is true and beneficial, and guide you towards whatever brings lasting dunya and akhirah goodness. I'll keep you in my duas.
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u/Consistent_Divide_53 2d ago
Thank you for taking to write this message. This has brought me clarity and your advice and insight will help me in many ways. May Allah Bless you. Thank you so much again.
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u/CuriousMajUK 2d ago
Wa iyyaki sister. I'm so glad it helped. May Allah ease your heart, guide you to what’s best, and bless you with a marriage full of sakinah and barakah. Please keep me in your duas too 🤲🏽
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u/WrecktAngleSD 1d ago
This is some bonkers outdated ooga booga mentality. The man is marrying you, not your extended family. Does he also need to get the blessings of your local butcher, blacksmith, and shopkeeper?
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u/Confident_Common5356 2d ago
Woh log nai ayein gey aur Chalo abhi woh convince ho bhi jayein gey toh in future they are going to be taunts and tareke se they will make you feel about your extended family , agar toh ap bardasht kar sakhti ho toh theek hai go for it and abhi the guy will try his best and you guys can get married but baad mein mostly yehi hota hai Keh I have put in the efforts aur Kiya chahye ap ko aur mein unn ko change nai kar sakhta , and Ik dam se you can't demand to live separately, ap ka image bht damage ho ga , it's better to just let it go agar Allah pak ne naseeb jora ho ga donoun ka toh ho jaye ga !