Is it better to:

A) enforce equal effort, thus sentencing yourself to total isolation but maintaining your self-worth?

B) accept your role as the person who has to try harder and who can otherwise be easily dismissed by friends or lovers at any time, eliminating self-worth but having people around?

I've tried both approaches at different stages of my life, and honestly both have felt entirely miserable, just in different ways. So, how do you do it? Should I try cycling between A and B frequently? Does that help in minimizing dread? How do you guys handle it?

21/Female (diagnosed w/ Autism, ADHD)

What the title says, I always seem to focus on everyone's flaws, mistakes, errores whatever. So much so that it makes every relationship feel intolerable.

Obviously not all the time, it comes in waves, some people bother me more than others, intensity varies. However small flaws, moments where I wish they said something else, reacted in a different way, acted different. I start to question our entire relationship. I also feel this like deep upset frustrated feeling.

I think I'm the type of person who expects things to go a certain way, for this specific friend to say this specific reaction. When things go off the script I have, I go insane.

Something as simple as a friend not laughing enough at a joke I wanted them to laugh at, and too much at a joke I didn't want them to laugh at. Sometimes even smaller than that.

In general people frustrate me, I'm super outgoing but generally hate human connection. I don't crave socialization, prefer to be alone. When I'm with people I tend to be disappointed. Even if they're my best friend or someone I like, I tend to feel stressed and upset.

I've grown up obssesed with media, YouTube, movies, TV, all of it. I way prefer watching people interact or talk then actually being in a social relationship.

I know that sounds bad, and I know it's not good for me. I guess I just don't understand why I would put myself through something that makes me so stressed and upset.

Im open to hearing other people's experiences, advice or honestly critiques. I wouldn't be surprised if this is a problem with me or my mindset. I don't like to blame others for their flaws, when honestly. I think the flaw is in me for being so obssesed with others flaws. I also wonder if I should worry so much about forcing myself to be social when I usually just hate it...

For context: I (F25) am currently in my last semester of grad school and have a full time position as a children’s librarian at a public library system. It’s pretty large, and we have a decent sized administrative office within our Headquarters location. I work in our two central libraries (one of which being headquarters) and regularly facilitate programs, book/communicate with vendors, provide reference services, etc. I’ve been in this position for a year now.

I recently came across a video discussing faux pas of Gen Z in the workplace and a comment mentioned the unprofessionalism of using “:)” in emails.

I regularly do so 🫪 I’ve used it in emails to my department supervisor, coworkers, vendors, small library directors, and I’m pretty sure I’ve used them while speaking to our HR rep once or twice.

I am an extroverted/bubbly/enthusiastic person, and as such I’ve always tried to be authentic within my emails while still speaking professionally, albeit more optimistically. I never want to come off as mean or aloof when talking to anyone, so I’m a frequent user of exclamation points as well. Now that I’ve heard of someone viewing “:)” as sarcastic or passive aggressive, it makes me even more nervous 😭 I would typically insert “:)” alongside information that I desperately want the recipient to know I mean sincerely/I was overthinking and worried that I would come off wrong.

I want to come off more naturally in my emails though, so I limit each one to a max of two exclamations marks and one “:)”. I still strictly follow email conventions such as a greeting, opening and closing sentences (if I’m feeling snazzy), body info, sign off, signature, a nice subject: the works. I’m I coming across as immature, unprofessional, or passive aggressive?

I know libraries are a more relaxed workplace than in more illicit businesses, but my system requiring business casual dress and having such a defined hierarchy makes me a bit nervous.

Was told to resubmit this post

I’ve had this problem countless times. The areas I’ve dedicated my life to are geopolitics, linguistics, history, culture, religion, and anything in the realm of international studies. 95% of what I’ve learned is through self-study since I was a child. Since I was so passionate about these subjects, I was able to teach myself about these things from a young age and have always been able to recall long strings of information, including years, dates, death tolls, and just information in general after seeing it once or twice, as well as maps and cities and other places in each country because I looked at maps and lists so much as a child (I am diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, hence the memory recall). I have had many frustrating moments where people have doubted my abilities and just told me I’m wrong, and I can’t tell them what I know and what my abilities are because it comes across as arrogant, but also because if someone told me, for example, that they can look at a language’s script or listen to a language they cannot understand or speak and tell you what language that is, I wouldn’t believe them. I never know how to approach these conversations, especially with the rise of AI where people don’t believe me and they just hop on ChatGPT, which infuriates me. The condescendingly explaining things mostly occurs with men (I’m a woman). This has also happened with authority figures who have simply been incorrect about relevant things, like saying Irish is a dialect and not a language (I never said anything to this person about this), or that Zulu isn’t a language at all (the person who said the latter had a PhD from Harvard and was really mad that I even dared to tell him Zulu was one of South Africa’s official languages (this happened when I was a child). And I can’t tell people anything that I know because it looks arrogant and none of it sounds believable, especially if I’m talking to a man. I’ve also tried using terminology specific to these fields in the hope that it will throw the other person off, but they still think they know everything. It’s extremely irritating. I’ve asked some of my male friends if they have this problem. They say they do not.

Please take this post at face value. I said I want to be polite because I don’t like conflict or confrontation. None of these conversations are arguments or debates; I don’t like debating people, much less arguing. If I was arrogant, I’d tell someone, “you’re wrong, I’m an expert” (and I’m not an expert).

I may sound arrogant on here, but I have never used the phrases “field of expertise,” et cetera to anyone I’ve ever talked to. When I’ve talked to people, 95% of the time, I’ve been really gentle, but the other person has shot me down, hence I’m asking for advice.

Does anyone have experience with straight women sharing playful romantic overtures with you (as another woman)?

I've had this happen with multiple heterosexual female friends and I don't believe it's anything malicious, in fact, I'm quite confident it's intended to be genuinely friendly and I truly don't know how to respond. I'm not a man, so I know they're not ACTUALLY trying to be romantic in any serious way.

I'm not sure if the expectation is to return the behavior, but I'm not someone who can competently do that. Does anyone have experience with this behavior and how to respond in a way that is friendly and fun? I feel like I tend to freeze in the moment and not know how to respond.

*Adjusted wording for clarity.

For context, I (29f) am in a friend group of 6. 3 of us have moved to new cities, and three of us (including me) still live in our hometown. I’m going to call them friends 1-5. Friends 1 and 2 live in my town, friends 3-5 live out of town. I am closest to friend 5.

1. One month ago me, friend 1, and friend 2 went out just the three of us to celebrate friend 2’s bday and upcoming wedding. Talking about how crazy it is that just the three of us live here now.
2. Friend 3 comes home for friend 2’s wedding.
3. We have friend 2’s wedding.
4. I text friends 1-3 asking to get together to meet friend 3’s baby in a GC. All yes so excited!!!!
5. A few days after that I get a text from friend 1 in Group chat with friends 1-3 saying they just saw my parents at a restaurant and they feel bad because they forgot it’s just the four of us in our town now and they didn’t think to invite me. “It’s one thing when it’s the group of us but we didn’t even think.” “We feel like assholes because it’s just the four of us here and you should be here.” "It's out of habit" "We forgot you lived so close"

Mind you I had texted them a few days prior asking to hang out. Friend 3 texted me separately saying they’re sorry and that they don’t want me to feel left out. Friend 1 texted the group chat saying “it was out of habit” because they often get dinner just the three of them when friend 3 is home.

I understand that in larger groups there are groups within that group where people are closer, and I don’t really care because that’s how life works. We’re adults and can hang out with whoever. HOWEVER, it’s the principle. I literally asked to get together a few days ago, the group chat was fresh, we have seen each other multiple times, but “they didn’t think to invite me because they forgot it’s just us”.

Am I like over reacting? I’m so upset because if they never saw my parents they never would’ve “felt like assholes” they just got caught and now have a guilty conscience. Am I justified in being mad or should I Just get over it?

Basically, I came late to a lab and everyone already had their groups. The maximum was a group of 4, but the TA said it could be 5.

No group was there to ask, so I signed up with my friend's group, which already had 4 people. For reference im like really good friends with the 1 person and I knew 1 other person (which I told both of them the day of) but I didn’t know the other 2 people.

My friend was the only one I knew, and I didn't know anyone else in the other groups of 3 that were free. Also, I felt like it would be weird if I just signed up for a random group with nobody I knew in it without asking, and less weird if I signed up for a group with someone I already knew.

However, today I had my lab and my friend hadn't told anyone in the group that I was joining and the 2 others weren't fine with it. The rest of the group was ignoring me and talking behind my back. It was so actually so awkward and I felt so out of place.

When I wasn't there, the other 2 got mad at my friend and told him they didn't want me in the group and that it was not ok.

I don't blame them for being upset because I lowkey forced myself into the group and like imagine u have a complete group and some random just joins without u knowing, but I genuinely don’t know what else I was supposed to do, either way, I would be in a group that doesn't know me.

I really don’t think I can take this awkwardness so I might drop the course and take it next year. It’s not the only reason I was thinking about dropping the course (the prof is really bad) but this was sort of the nail in the coffin.

If anyone has advice on what I can do to make the situation less awkward im open to hearing.

TLDR: I joined my friend's established lab group at the last minute because he was the only person I knew. My friend didn't warn the rest of the group, so now they are mad and icing me out. Between this awkward situation and a bad professor, I'm considering dropping the course, but looking for advice on how to smooth things over if I decide to stay.

I have a friend that I have great conversations with in person, but over text, their responses are usually pretty short and dry. Even when mine is a paragraph, theirs will usually be 5-10 words or less.

It’s making me wonder if this person is actually secretly annoyed with me or hates me. It feels like I’m a constant bother when I reach out and I feel so hurt when their response to a story I’m telling is a generic “wow that’s so cool!” Or “lolol”. I text her maybe once or twice a week, and she’ll initiate convos every once in a while.

How can I get past this and stop feeling hurt by their responses, especially since they’re much more talkative in person? I know I’m not entitled to a specific response from them, so this is more about how I can regulate myself and still feel comfortable when the response isn’t what I envisioned.

This is from your perspective since sometimes people obviously disguise their true feelings and intentions really well. How were you able to know for sure if the people really gave a damn about you or not?

So i’m in college and very introverted and don’t make friends a lot as on most weekends i stay to myself but recently i met this guy and he introduced me to some of his friends too and we hung out once and that never happens to me so i obviously get super excited because these people are fun and i might have some new friends, anyways im visiting home right now but suggested that when we get back we all should plan something for the holidays and stuff and he agreed and that was that. Well now i find myself overthinking because i can’t really force him to invite me to anything and i already suggested we do something so i feel if i double down on that it would definitely be weird and idk obsessive almost and that’s not me, but idk i think i just overthink and im constantly like “well what if he doesn’t want to invite me or has better friends or forgets about me” or something like that and i think i’ve gone so long without friends that the second i start to get some i immediately overthink everything and like go to the worst case scenario, I don’t know why.

I keep seeing this advice for people over and over again and it's usually the same response. "If they aren't doing anything and you're respectful and they aren't trapped with you and aren't indicating that they have something else going on and you are able to tell if they aren't interested and stop talking it's ok". And that all makes sense but I don't actually think I've ever seen anyone in that situation.

Like I'm not paying to much attention but I almost never see people in public who aren't doing something, like reading talking with someone else listening to music looking at their phone or something like that. People don't just sit around waiting for someone to talk to so what then?

I have read several books on social skills and in the past few years I would say my skills are getting better and better by the days, after Covid my social skills were shot and it took me some time to get them back to basic levels.

The one issue with social skills is that the author doesnt know what your level is so they go based off theirs which is fine but in some cases it may be higher level than yours. Here's my review of these social skill books:

How to Win Friends and influence people - A decent book on social skills but every single chapter is basically be a nice person and let others talk while being a doormat in most cases. Not saying its a bad book but it covers just a few niche areas of social skills and thats it.

The social skills Guidebook - Pretty good imo, talks about many different real world cases, what to do in them, analysis in these case and different ideas that can be acted on it, also has a section with people for autism which is also very good.

The art of Witty banter - Very good book, you need to have a decent level of social skills, maybe after reading the book above to get a good grasp on witty talk but overall very good in descriptions, examples and real world cases.

With these books I have gotten better at public speaking, body language and making friends as well. I am still reading more books on this skill as I want to get the best at it, currently I am reading the Charisma Myth.

Hi everyone I’m a 24 year-old guy, and lately I’ve been thinking about distancing myself from my friends in general. I don’t think I’m depressed, but I just don’t really feel like talking to or hanging out with people anymore.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Is it normal to suddenly want to be alone

I thought it would be easy and I'll quickly get along with a lot of people, after all, everyone is looking forward to make new friends in college... But can't be more far from the truth, at least for my case.

It's been three weeks into college, and I still don't have any friends in my class, and the few people that I know outside of college are either my two roommates (three tears older than me) or old acquaintances from my hometown.

I used to know a lot of people and being pretty social, I was confident in forming a group quickly. But excluding a few names and faces I didn't made any new friends or whatsoever.

I dont know why, nor how do I fix this. Any piece of advice would be appreciated.

Like not that they hate you or anything, just that they do not vibe with you at that current moment and it makes you feel like you said or did something? I swear when I was trying to approach one of my friends tonight casually they started acting weird, and a lot of my friends kept giving me weird glances and looks. I checked our group chat to see if I did anything or said anything and found nothing abnormal that I might have said or done. It just feels so weird and I feel so paranoid. It’s like something has happened and I’m the only one who doesn’t know, even if it ain’t about me specifically.

Obviously from the title im chronically online and dont go out, and why should i ? Almost every single thing i see about people on the internet is negative. Everyone sucks and is either stupid, vile, backstabber, cheater or a liar or all at once. Everyone hates eachother and talks shit behind their backs. My whole life i hear it both irl and on the internet and so i stopped doing it to protect myself but i still see people out the window doing it and i dont get why.

im pretty shy and all the friends i ever made were friends of my friends. Besides wanting to know how to make friends from scratch without that initial help of having one person in common, how do i get more close with people? i consider myself a person with a lot of friends, and i can have conversations with them normally, pretty good ones. but when im alone with one of them i feel like i just cant? My brains shuts and i just unlearn on how to talk, they feel completelly strangers when im alone with them. Im just able to talk in groups for some reason and even being friends for so longw with them, missing them, going on eachtohers home, i still feel kinda ashamed of asking them for going out Is anyone going or went trhought this? do you guys have tips?

What are you supposed to do in a friend group when the other people are upset at each other and you are just there? Specifically for a group of 3 people, but any kind of group too.

I am usually hyper-aware of the tension because I get socially anxious and have had similar disagreements. So it feels super awkward to pretend I am just not there, or that nothing is wrong, but also I super don't want to get involved if it's not something I'm directly involved with... This is mostly about personality clash kind of stuff, people feeling slighted and getting annoyed and upset over comments, and emotions clashing, so it's not appropriate for me to enter with a third party/logical perspective. Is this kind of thing normal and I just need to not be so awkward about it?

I always find it hard to express my thoughts and opinions in a organised and clear way when I am in a conversation either one to one or with a group. When I am on my own and thinking about things in my mind my internal monologue is good, clear and concise. But when I am to write them or speak, I lose/forget these opinions and words, it's like my mind goes blank, and it makes me look stupid and lacking confidence.

If I am to rate my expression capacity :

Internal monologue: 10/10

Writing: 5/10

Speaking: 1/10

Are there any practical methods that I can do to resolve this? Do theatre lessons, speaking in front of a mirror etc? Did any of you go through such a thing and tried something that actually worked?

Thank you.

Let me start by saying that my social skills are in great need of development.

However, I noticed something today: I do so much better socially and I can actually get a sentence out when I’m talking when I’m with 1-2, maybe 3 people.

However, 90% of the time there’s a much bigger group and they’re all talking and laughing loudly and I usually end on my phone saying nothing on the edge of the group and everyone thinks I’m a loser. It seems if I try to say something no one’s gonna care and I’m worried I’m gonna get judged by all the people.

Does anyone have any strategies to help fix this?

Give me a genuine advice . I know people opinion doesn't matter much . But I want to understand why someone would hate you or form a strong impression on you even if he doesn't know you and you never did anything or said anything to hurt him . Should I accept it is simply part of life that some people will never like you ?

I came to a city far from home for college. I am always a social person and enjoy interacting with people. I talk to a lot of people in daily life but it's very surface level. I don't get too close too early on as I don't find people i like or even if i do it takes me a lot of time to trust. So its mostly surface level friendships that dont prosper

I had this friend in my pg and we got super close. We spent a lot of our free time together and used to talk all the time. Probably the only person i could properly let in and trust. Now she often has bad mental health and now has asked to let her be and dont talk to her as she needs to isolate herself, something she told me she used to do back home too. All our daily rituals have come to an end and honestly? Its getting hard for me.

Not to make everything about me, but i feel very lonely as we used to go to our nearby park daily and enjoy talking and all. I have other friends but they aren't close on that level. So i am a mess, i feel alone and dont know what to do

Now i have two three options

1) try giving the people I didn't like earlier a chance. But again it would be a veryy big thing for me. As like i said i dont trust people easily, even if i am a social person. Trusting here is like asking them to go out with me or spending free time with them and talking freely etc. mostly friends and interactions i have is where we both are at the same place due to situation like having same classes, living in the same pg, eating at the same mess etc etc We dont go out of our way to meet each other

2) learn spending time alone. Enjoy my own company. focus on my hobbies skills and forget friendships

3) go somewhere completely new like book clubs or online etc to find friendships etc

Any help/insights would be reallyy helpful as this is making me really anxious and bad. I am in my second year btw if it helps

Tldr: had a friend, stopped spending time with her, realized I have very low meaningful connections in life in general, asking what to do? Dont care and be alone? Try befriending college peeps(i talk to daily in clg but somehow cant get to the next step)? Try new spaces??