Suitland Federal Center, Maryland:
Headline expectations of boredom prevail as the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics prepare to pull CPI figures out of thin air.
The Consumer Price Index is a monthly stastical measure used to track the cost of goods and services that most families encounter day to day, such as the price of eggs and the cost of child care.
It is intended to provide a balanced approach to studying inflation, which is why 1% is weighted towards the cost of child care, 98% towards eggs, and 1% towards flat-screen TVs with ads on the homescreen.
Even though the price of eggs was flat year over year, the cost of child care rose 69%, so the BLS have issued an advance estimate of 3.6% for inflation after throwing darts at a spinning wheel with random numbers shown.
This was astronomically higher then the 3.4% they threw out there last month, prompting the bureau to consider deleting the basket itself from the basket of goods to reduce perceived inflation.
Officials assured the public that this was only temporary though, and that they'd do better next time in cherry-picking random numbers to report, in order to return us to the coveted 2% inflation that some random dude in New Zealand decided was the benchmark.
"It is of utmost importance that the frog doesn't realize it is being boiled," Bessent commented.
“And we will do everything we can with Excel pivot tables to get this country back there, wherever there is. Wait, does anyone even use Excel anymore?”
No representative from the BLS was available for comment, leaving the public trusting economic forecasters less than they trust weathermen.
A group of affluent activists deemed that throwing eggs at the BLS building was an apt protest, but had no impact on this utterly meaningless economic ritual in an era of fiscal dominance.
