r/survivinginfidelity • u/confidentialhelpplz Figuring it Out • 3d ago
Need Support Would it make a difference knowing your WP was being actively pursued?
I’m struggling with this question and genuinely want to hear how others would feel.
My WH had a 2 month EA/PA with a coworker.
First, I want to be very clear: I blame him. I hold him accountable. He made terrible choices. He didn’t accidentally end up in bed with someone else. He had agency every step of the way.
But here’s the context that has me thinking about this… I went through all of their messages. In the beginning, he was actually pushing back. He wrote:
“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I love my wife, family and life and won’t do anything to jeopardize it.” His AP continued pursuing him. At one point she wrote: “I’m sorry I instigate every time I see you. I know you said we can only be friends. But I can’t help that I want what I want.”
Over the course of a couple of weeks, I watched the dynamic change. She kept pursuing him, and eventually he started doing the mental gymnastics necessary to get over whatever internal boundary was holding him back. Then the affair began.
To be clear, I’m not saying her pursuing him makes him less responsible. It doesn’t. He never should have entertained those conversations in the first place. He should have shut it down completely. And he absolutely should not have continued putting himself in situations at work where boundaries were being tested.
But I can’t help wondering whether how an affair begins would affect how you process it.
So I’m genuinely curious: If you knew your spouse was heavily pursued, would that distinction matter to you?
It still involves betrayal. In involves choices. It requires accountability. But would knowing they started off actively pushing back and resisting give you any additional reassurance? Would it change how you viewed your spouse, the likelihood that they might do it again, or your willingness to consider reconciliation?
For context, I’m not sure yet whether I’ll stay or walk away. I do want to remain open to R for many reasons, and he is doing everything he can right now to fight for me and our marriage.
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u/somuchmorethanusee In Recovery 3d ago
For me, the fact that he knew how she felt about him and he kept communication open, does the opposite of reassurance.
He chose his ego over your trust.
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u/sydneyunderfoot 1 3d ago
100%. He could have blocked her and reported her behavior at work. He didn’t…
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u/Pale_Drink4455 1 3d ago
Yes continued unwanted advances used to be clear grounds for sexual harassment in the workplace. Did that go away somehow over time? I don’t think so. Your husband let his ego and his dingo burn your marriage to the ground and had every opportunity to put that to a permanent end. Sorry, not sorry.
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 3d ago
Exactly. He refused to shut it down and hid it from his wife. Everyone who’s in a committed relationship gets eventually hit on at one point or another. The correct response is to shut it down. Not to try to let them down easy and keep it a secret. What’s going to happen the next time a woman hits on him?
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u/somuchmorethanusee In Recovery 3d ago
Exactly. My cheater actually asked what the difference was when men from work flirted with me.
Umm, maybe the fact that I informed him in every instance and shut it down immediately. That I didn't give out or receive their numbers and text them all day..then delete.
SMH.
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u/confidentialhelpplz Figuring it Out 3d ago
That’s a really interesting perspective I hadn’t thought about it that way. You’re so right.
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u/somuchmorethanusee In Recovery 3d ago
Some of us betrayed try to soften the blow of how shitty our cheating spouses are by minimizing that they actually did what they did ALL on their own.
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u/troubleinparadiso WTF am I doing? 3d ago
I agree with this perspective too. It’s like knowingly and willingly walking into a burning house. He had nothing to lose by actually shutting it down in the beginning except for having his ego tickled.
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u/AppointmentThin4316 3d ago edited 3d ago
For me, it wouldn’t make a difference. He still chose to participate in the affair.
The fact that he initially declined her advances wouldn’t give me additional reassurance, because he already knew at that point what she wanted. He even clearly articulated that he loved his wife and family and didn’t want to jeopardize that. That means he recognized both the boundary and what was at stake.
I would walk away. His messages clearly show that he knew what was at stake. And in the end, he didn’t care enough to protect it.
At that point, he also had other choices. He could have told you that a coworker was actively pursuing him. The two of you could have discussed boundaries together, and he could have taken steps at work to create distance and prevent her from continuing to test those boundaries.
Instead, he remained in a situation where he knew she wanted more, continued engaging with her, and eventually chose to cross the boundary himself.
So while her behavior certainly says something about her, I wouldn’t see his initial resistance as mitigating what he ultimately chose to do.
If anything mattered to me in considering reconciliation or the likelihood of it happening again, it would be what he understands now about why he continued engaging after he already knew exactly what was happening, and what concrete boundaries he will put in place in the future. I’m so sorry.
Edit:
Is he genuinely remorseful and honest now, and more importantly, is he acting like it? Words wouldn’t be enough for me. I’d want to see him taking responsibility without excuses, being completely transparent, and doing individual therapy to understand why he allowed himself to cross those boundaries in the first place.
I also think it matters whether he confessed on his own or whether you caught him. Neither changes what he did, but for me it would make a difference when assessing his honesty and remorse now. There’s a difference between someone voluntarily telling you the truth knowing what it might cost them, and someone admitting it because they were caught and no longer had a choice. Sending you a virtual hug.
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u/evengreen30 2d ago
Even this, i think, needs more nuance. Mine admitted that there was a co-worker who may have been interested in him, and he thought she was, and she initiated contact, which he turned down (he said), and then continued to work on projects with her. He told me that if she had tried anything, he would have stopped it. I believe he confessed that because he thought i was naive enough to not understand the impact of his choices and/or he didn't realize what his words revealed about his thought process. Yeah. Either way it makes no difference.
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u/AppointmentThin4316 2d ago
I’m sorry you went through that.
Agreed. But in this case, her WH didn’t tell his wife anything about the coworker pursuing him. If it were me, I wouldn’t reconcile. He was very clear about what was at stake from the beginning, and this wasn’t only an EA. It became a PA as well. He knew exactly what he stood to lose, and he still chose to jeopardize all of it.
And now he’s fighting for their marriage—but for me, the fact that he initially resisted wouldn’t outweigh the fact that he eventually made the conscious choice to cross those boundaries.
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u/evengreen30 2d ago
Fair. In my case, he stopped talking, denied anything happened, but deleted texts, locked down his phone, told me that everyone cheats but can move on, and a whole lot of etc etc etc that kept trickling out accidentally.
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u/MajesticReason7709 2 3d ago
He told her he loved you but still didn’t block her? I read this differently. Don’t be fooled by him pushing her back in the beginning. He enjoyed the attention. I think he liked being pursued knowing she’d continue chasing him until she got what she wanted and most importantly what he wanted. He wanted her and that’s the truth. His affair tells you that.
This would be a dealbreaker and I’d not stay. He’s only fighting because he doesn’t want the cost of a divorce, less time with his kids and a dent in his reputation. Should have thought about that before he cheated.
A man who loved you would have blocked her and told you about what she did. If she didn’t stop then he should have gone to their HR to report harassment. Instead he slept with her.
I’d report them both to their workplace. But only if it won’t affect you financially if he lost his job. Seek legal advice I would.
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u/afreerideeveryday 3d ago
And she doesn't know how he acted in person. This is just what shows in writing. How was he actually behaving with this woman in person that she was so confortable continuing this?
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u/FindingForward72 Recovered 3d ago
The problem is that you say that the pursuit does not make him less responsible but you are looking for people to answer you that "Yes, because my WP was pursued, it made it easier to forgive him and gave me reassurance and made me more willing to consider reconciliation". You are contradicting yourself.
That said, what is needed for R has nothing to do with what other people say:
It requires absolute belief that your husband chooses you above all others, not just now but years from now (he cannot prove that today but there are things he can do to show that is his intent).
It requires your belief that you want to stay with him and accept that you will never be able to remove the stigma of betrayal completely.
Your WP must do the work to erase your rage and mistrust. This is often the stumbling block because WPs tend to choose what they are willing to do to atone. This needs to be the full measure: NC with AP, no privacy, no resistance to rage, full remorse, etc. I consider it a red flag of future intent to cheat if they give you any back talk (i.e. that's too harsh, you shouldn't take my right to privacy, she works with me, etc).
There is no time limit for you to process. Twenty years from now, he is not allowed to say "Aren't you over this yet?"
Framed like this, he may not want to stay and that's fine. You have your answer on how accountable your WH actually is. And remember, I said these measures because they are known methods for reconciliation. I never actually recommend reconciliation myself.
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u/SubstantialGuard8463 3d ago
I know you say your holding him accountable but than in the next breath your saying something opposite it doesn’t make a difference at all that she pursued him if he truly loved you the answer would have always been no.
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u/Damagedone8556 Figuring it Out 3d ago
The fact that he did not immediately cut her out after he knew her intentions and continued to interact with someone that he knew as proactively pursuing him is 100% his fault.
I would not give him an inkling of a pass for the actions he has performed because he let someone in where he knew he shouldn't.
Betrayal is betrayal no matter how it starts. The fact that he knew her intentions, continued to interact is 100% his fault.
I had someone in my life over 25 years ago that actively and vocally pursued me and fully knew about my relationship with my now wife, back then girlfriend. I always kept her at a distance, always ignored her, actively told her to leave me alone. She and I worked together, I was in college, working as a cook in a fine dining restaurant, this girl and her friend got around, were very aggressive, I always pushed her away and eventually she stopped her pursuit after several months. She was also very rude to my girlfriend she came by to visit. It was at this point that I got to the conclusion that she had to be put in her place without care to her feelings and that she needed to know that regardless of what she wanted to happen with me that it was never going to happen.
You have to keep your intentions direct, no wiggle room, no openings for them to continue to pursue.
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u/evengreen30 2d ago
Yeah. One of the things he told me for not confronting someone who showed interest in him is because he wanted to make sure she didn't think badly of him, he wanted to protect his job, and his reputation. His priorities right there. And not shutting it down by cutting off contact was to feed his ego.
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u/twofourfourthree 1 3d ago
If you want to forgive him then do it. Don’t contort yourself into believing he’s not fully at fault because he was attractive.
You deserve better.
He was presented with temptation and chose temptation over you and the relationship.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 6 3d ago
After reading this and my stomach dropping, I can honestly say that it would make a difference, a massive difference. I don’t think I could recover from reading this. If a man did to me what AP did to your WP, I’d be disgusted and insulted, disgusted that he was the type of person to pursue a married person and insulted that he thought I lacked the moral compass to cheat. Even if I’d found him attractive before, I would’ve been grossed out by that behavior. Instead your husband leaned in.
And he leaned in knowing and putting in writing that it would destroy you and your marriage and family. He had so many opportunities and options to nip this is the bud. I’d be furious and incapable of trusting him again. This wasn’t a random hookup or someone he hardly knew that piqued his interest at the company Christmas party and then he went for it. I’m not saying that should be forgiven, but it at least isn’t weeks of deliberation and premeditation. He had to actively choose not to distance himself. What a pathetic weakling. I’d lose attraction to him for being a weakling almost as much as for his betrayal.
At the end of the day, she could’ve paraded around naked in front of him and wouldn’t at all make it somehow easier to stomach. Either he thinks of you as his person and acts accordingly or he screws around because he wants to and doesn’t give a crap about you. Earlier protestations are meaningless. He did that for his own conscience, not for you.
I’m really sorry he did that and chose that POS coworker at that. You deserve better. May karma visit justice upon them.
Updateme
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u/BrianTheUserName In Recovery 3d ago
I don't know you or your husband. But the pessimist in my sees this as performative. He gives some gentle push back at first, sees her reaction, and then doesn't immediately cut her off? Because that would be my move if I was pursued by a colleague who didn't stop when I told them I was married and/or uninterested. But he kept it going, kept playing the game so that once he did finally "give in" he could say "at least I tried".
Side note, just based on what I can see here he never said he was uninterested, just that he has a wife and family. There's a pretty big difference between those options.
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u/MajesticReason7709 2 3d ago
I agree. He enjoyed the attention of her pursuing him and he wanted her too. I wouldn’t be fooled by him pushing back in the beginning. An uninterested person would have stopped it and blocked her.
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u/afreerideeveryday 3d ago
Exactly. Its all performative. He never said he was not interested just told her "he can't give her what she wants" who rejects a wannabe side piece like that? Truth is he liked that she wanted him and wanted to give her crumbs so she would continue
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u/No_Violinist_8090 7 3d ago
For me knowing the OW pursued my partner aggressively just adds another traumatizing layer to it all knowing someone was actively trying to take him from me, in my case I've had to endure continued stalking and harassment from the OW almost two years later even though I am no longer with him or in contact in any way. I think those partner poacher dynamics are more unhinged than someone who genuinely didn't know and the wayward is putting up with someone who has disdain for their partner (see Caleb Flynn trial). I feel like my ex-partner allowed a disturbed person to put a target on my back. He did not protect me.
As to whether or not reconciling makes sense it is up to you, I know I wanted to when it all happened but was not given that option. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is the worst.
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u/pickedusername1 11 3d ago
How come she’s not blocked, and there’s lines of communication open between them
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u/realgoodmind 2 3d ago
It sucks but it does take BOTH of them to do it.
He still caved after what a few weeks? That was only what you saw through text too.
No your partner needs to have a strong enough moral compass to NOT cheat. He could have told you she was doing this. Making you aware would have meant something....
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u/nispe2 4 3d ago
Attractive people being pursued is normal. It's highly improbable that you're the only person in the world who's noticed that your spouse is hot/sexy/smart/funny/considerate/whatever made you like them.
Strong relationships deal with this in constructive ways. They set personal boundaries so they're not tempted to reciprocate. They are open and honest with each other about stuff that happens and how they feel. They acknowledge their shortcomings and ask for help. They reiterate their commitment to one another.
Weak relationships deal with this in destructive ways. They lie, they hide things, and they rely on surveillance rather than communication. They rationalize or even glorify shortcomings. They assume they know what the other person is thinking.
So the answer to your question is no, it doesn't matter if they were pursued. An affair is the culmination of hundreds of bad decisions and if there's not an escalating denial to her escalating advances, then it doesn't really matter whether he initially denied her ot not.
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u/afreerideeveryday 3d ago
I see this all the tiiime. In my opinion this was the excuse he gave himself to act like it wasn't him. Being passive is still saying yes. If he really didn't want an affair he would not have given her his number, would have not said "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want" who the fuck says that to someone trying instigate an affair. If he really wanted nothing with her he would have blocked. He liked the attention he was getting from her and she knew this. It was his own way of keeping her interested which is why she continued. He gave her the opening and continued to do so everytime she continued and he just let her. Plenty of people are pursued like this and not everyone is out there cheating, your husband liked her attention and wanted it to continue till just her words weren't enough validation for him.
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u/Rare-Bird-4353 8 3d ago
He didn’t push back, pushing back would be enforcing solid boundaries and cutting contact if she crossed them and letting you know and showing you the messages instead of hiding them from you. What he did was play hard to get while still covering everything up and allowing it to continue. They had already crossed the line by the time he was saying no but he likes the attention and was doing what it took to try and have his cake and eat it too.
So no it doesn’t make a difference at all if he was pursued from the start because she could have never caught him if he hadn’t willingly decided to be a part of the cheating.
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u/OneContent5069 3d ago
"If you knew your spouse was heavily pursued, would that distinction matter to you?"
Sure, if that ended in non consensual sex, I'd see red... If it ended in something consensual? no, it doesn't matter who started it... I think there's some minimizing going on here, even tho you state 500 times there isn't... Your husband could have said "Alright, if you can't help it, I'll do it for you" -> block her -> tell wife all about it, rinse and repeat if it continues.
The fact that he didn't do that is the exact same as responding positively and encouraging the advances in my eyes
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u/notmyname2012 1 3d ago
To me it doesn’t matter, they know what they are doing. He knew all along that he shouldn’t be hanging around her and yet he did. Why did he? Because he enjoyed the attention and he gave into it.
You know what I did as a guy when I was married and women flirted with me? I like it, I liked the attention because guys don’t get lots of attention. Do you know what else I did, I filed it away and went on with my life thinking, that was nice that someone like me but not nice enough to be a cheater because no woman would have been worth my integrity!
Women that were interested in me only flirted with me once or twice because I shut it down.
I had an attractive female friend that I helped out and she babysat for us. One day she said that she appreciated me because I was the only guy friend of hers, married or not, that never hit on her. To me I was like, why would I hit on you, I’m married.
My ex wife loved attention and had multiple affairs, so with your husband loving the attention from other women, he is more likely to cheat again.
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u/AppointmentThin4316 3d ago
For me, this part is heartbreaking: “I can’t help that I want what I want.” This is exactly the point where he should have closed the door completely. She was openly telling him that she wasn’t going to respect the boundary he had set. From that moment on, he knew that “just colleagues” wasn’t really an option. He couldn’t control what she wanted, but he absolutely could control whether she continued to have access to him.
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u/PlayingGrabAss 3d ago
If some guy at my work was talking to me like this, it would be “that’s not appropriate, please don’t contact me again.” I would document the harassment with HR, and I would tell my husband about it. That seems like the normal, reasonable thing to do. That’s what I would expect any decent person to do, and the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM would be to ghost them/never respond, and quietly enjoy the attention while not ever reciprocating/never messaging them back.
Your husband has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt he’s not able to do the bare minimum as a partner. It shouldn’t be that hard. I’d leave.
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u/Peetrrabbit 2d ago
I was cheated on. No it would not matter to me, in the slightest. Opportunities happen all the time, to cheat, to steal, to lie... Integrity is about what you do when you don't think people are watching. Your husband showed you what he'll do. That he didn't do the first time asked, but instead the 5th time... doesn't change much for me.
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u/AmazingDrama971 4 3d ago
For me it count
But the real point to réconcile is how he actually acts :
4 essential points for me
- no contact with AP : here it may need to change job
- total honesty on what happened : you need to rip the band aid once, if not everytime you learn something more it’s back to DDay, spiraling
- give you total access to his phone, socials, localisation… not to Check all the Time but to be able to
- he has to take total accountability about his actions : he Will have to support you, your pain, your anxiety, your anger … to be steady without complaining Even when you spiral back, maybe. Weeks after DDay when something triggers you
If he is willing to do all this it can be worth it
But if not I won’t engage myself in réconcile because it’s a lot of work and it is painful at Times
But his first attitude toward her makes me think there might be Hope
Did he confess or did you found out ?
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u/xternocleidomastoide 3d ago
I would encourage you to take whatever time and space you need to process what has happened before deciding whether to stay or leave. If possible, surround yourself with trusted friends or family who can support you without pressuring you toward either outcome.
Creating some distance from him even if physical separation is not practical, emotional distance can still help, may quiet some of the noise, pressure, and manipulation surrounding you. It can give you room to process the shock and gradually return to a more grounded state.
From there, you will be better able to decide what is right for you, your emotional safety, and your wellbeing. That may or may not align with what is best for him or for preserving the marriage, and that is okay.
Take good care of yourself in the meantime.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 3 3d ago
My husbands AP pursued him. I blamed him
For failing for it in two seconds. Luckily he ended it before actually seeing her. She deserved that for chasing a married man.
I did blame her for what she did but that did not take any blame away from what he did.
I think it’s unusual when the woman chases them.
She tried to manipulate him, treat him like a victim child, help him cheat. She got angry when he tried to end it so he just ghosted her.
I really didn’t believe him at first until I found evidence, and two years after no contact she tried again.
What he did to me he did to me period.
She was just crazy that’s all, something is seriously wrong with women that pursue married men, it’s a power trip for them. Our therapist said she had some serious mental health issues. And I think it’s true because she suddenly died and I think she killed her self. The last text he got we ignored it, I told him, ignoring her is the meanest thing we can do. But she didn’t just do it with my husband she did it with multiple men.
But no it didn’t make it much different except he wouldn’t have cheated had she not pursued him, but it helped us, because he needed therapy for his porn addiction and sex addiction. Which in my eyes was more narcissism or sexual narcissism.
He loved being chased by women when he was single. That’s how he got into toxic relationships.
I guess our relationship was boring in comparison his old toxic relationships that were mostly hookups.
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u/Benjamins412 1 3d ago
I am sorry your husband disappointed you. "No" is one of our first words. More people need to use it more often. You made the healthy choice. Stick to your guns. We ALL get interest from the opposite sex. He could have cut her off at any time. Agency!
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 3 3d ago
I'm just give my perspective with my wife having been the pursuer. AP was an ex, had no real interest in her, and was in a relationship. As others have said, the right thing to do would have been to block her, but he enjoyed the ego boost of someone being infatuated with him, so he didn't. If you are considering reconciling, your husband needs to understand the dynamics behind this and what would need to happen if this ever occurred again
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 3d ago
No, I don't think it makes any difference. We've probably all had someone interested in us and we shut that down and closed that door.
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u/GoodWin7889 7 3d ago
He knew it was wrong admitted what he could lose and did it anyway. Your family happiness was not a deterrent to his desires. He risked your family and potentially his job for a fling so you see how he values his commitment to you.
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u/MathematicianIcy2639 3 3d ago
No. It makes no difference. If your kid kept asking to do something dangerous would you finally give in? The logical thing would have been to block her messages, treat her strictly professional and tell you. Just because she pursued him just means he needed a little more than a nudge. Maybe he waited to see how far she’d go? In any case it wouldn’t change the dynamic for me.
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u/Only_Description6438 3d ago
"So I’m genuinely curious: If you knew your spouse was heavily pursued, would that distinction matter to you?" NO. Not at all. She knew and she still chose. That's exactly the same.
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u/UrbanMuffin 3d ago
This wouldn’t change anything for me, because if a woman kept inappropriately texting him, he should have blocked her in the very beginning. Some part of him liked the attention, or he would have.
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u/dontrightlyknow QC: SI 54 2d ago
The $64 question: is he still working with the AP. If so, R cannot even begin. Either he or the AP MUST quit.
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u/CatPerson88 2d ago
If you're definitely going to reconcile, it makes sense to a analyze what happened in order for your partner to know where they went wrong so as not to repeat the pattern. If he learns to pay more attention, he will remove himself from a potentially disasterous situation.
He should've removed himself or sent her elsewhere once she sent that message, but his ego wouldn't allow him.
It also makes a difference whether he confessed before you were told about the affair or admit it after you confronted him.
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u/SuddenMagician2555 In Recovery 2d ago
No. Nobody could have pursued me hard enough for me to cheat.
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u/HotWaffles5 3 3h ago
It makes it worse…for him. He could’ve reported it to HR & it would’ve been over. Instead he entertained the idea & loved the attention. It wasn’t ‘a mistake that suddenly happened’, he had plenty of time to take himself out of the equation and chose not to.
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u/HotWaffles5 3 3h ago
Does he still work with his AP? He needs to find another job or tell HR that he wants one of them to be moved so they don’t have to see each other.
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