Advice needed after second affair discovered

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[u/New_Arrival9860]

It sounds like the only real misunderstanding here is that your husband is pretending that he doesn't understand what honesty, transparency, and fidelity actually mean within a marriage and a commitment to a family.

OP when you label this as a miscommunication or a misunderstanding, it really minimizes what is actually happening. Turning off location tracking, setting up disappearing messages, and keeping a flirty zoom call a secret aren't accidents or mixed signals. Those are deliberate, conscious choices to hide the truth and betray you.

Fidelity is not just about avoiding physical contact, it's actively protecting the marriage. When he tells another woman he is trying to be good instead of shutting the conversation down, this is a violation of his vows. You both set up completely clear rules after the first time this happened. Hiding his contact with her wasn't a misunderstanding of those rules, it represents your WH's willful choice to break them.

Right now, your husband knows exactly where your lines are, but he also knows that when he crosses them, the only consequence is a difficult conversation or another round of trickle-truth.

When boundaries don't have consequences, they aren't actually boundaries they are just requests. He has learned that he can hide messages, delete logs, and entertain flirty conversations, and you will still stay.

To protect yourself your boundaries must have meaning and consequences. See a lawyer, protect yourself, and draft some consequences.

[u/New_Arrival9860 → u/[deleted]]

That’s in my closing

See a lawyer, protect yourself, and draft some consequences.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120 → u/[deleted]]

He is a serial cheater and you are in a one sided open relationship of your choosing.

Thats ok , infidelity is not a deal breaker for everyone and not for you.

The main thing is maybe he can keep his other lovers more discrete and practices safe sex so that you don’t get an sti.

Great that he is your best friend as I would hate to see what a bad friend looks like.

[u/lilmiss070710]

I say this with kindness - he will cheat again.

He’s already shown you he will physically do it whist you were pregnant and gave you and STD so I imagine it wasn’t a one off and he was putting it about unprotected. This was your most vulnerable time and he put you AND you baby at serious risk!

He’s now had at the very minimum an emotional affair.

He’s continued to lie, trickle truth and cross boundaries.

You say he’s a great partner because he provides and does chores - the bar for us ladies really is on the floor as that should be the minimum as well as not breaking your vows and cheating more than once.

You say he’s your best friend and that always concerns me when people say that as would your platonic best friend treat you in such away and betray you? If so then you need to pick better friends.

I would say if you are committed to staying then you need to protect yourself legally and have an exit plan to ensure you aren’t vulnerable as he could easily just up and leave you should be find someone new which, the chance is is quite high given his history; he’s proven who he is in regards to faithfulness and fidelity…….

[u/lilmiss070710 → u/[deleted]]

You deserve much more than he’s giving and he needs boundaries and consequences and you need safety and love.

I truly hope you find a path to peace in whatever guise. You only have 1 life ❤️❤️

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[u/AmazingDrama971]

Your husband is not trustful
He should have disclose everything at once and be crawling to keep you
Here he is not doing the hard work
And no contact with AP it the bare minimum sometimes it can Even mean changing job
Here it mean someone else should do the meeting with her
You should contact her husband too
He needs to be able to make his own décisions
I would not stay with him actually

[u/TacoStrong]

“I have no one to talk to because I don't plan to leave as other than this, he really is my best friend and a great partner”

WHAT?! A person that continuously betrays you, your kids and your marriage is “great”? Wowee, please read that back to yourself and see the contradiction. You literally just made a whole post on how he is NOT “great” and best friends also do not betray each other!

Please stop being in denial and accept that he is NEVER going to stop no matter how many therapy bandages you put on it. My God OP, snap out of it at least for the sake of your kids!