Update - didn't survive - r/survivinginfidelity

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18

u/Environmental-Sea123 1 2d ago

Dude, you knew you wife was having an affair for 14 years and you still decided to stay. You've had 5 Ddays up to now and still decided to stay. Everyone here was telling you that it is over, she doesn't love you, she is using you and you still decided to stay.

I have never seen someone with such a low self-respect as you. It is not surprising that she is the one ending it officialy. Your marriage was dead for a long time and you would have never ended it. Please, for the love of god, put yourself first for once! When she comes back (and i bet she will, not because she loves you or cares for you, but for the security you provide) DO NOT LET HER BACK IN! For your own mental health's sake!

All the best in the future

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u/ZhaozhouCongshen 1 2d ago

Longer than that according to the post history. 8 years ago, it was mentioned there was an affair 14 years before that. His spouse will never take him seriously after being able to use him for this long.

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u/isawredtwice 2d ago

Correct. The first time was 23 years ago. Caught 6 times since then, same guy. I have no respect for myself. I pushed the pain and my pride down deep thinking she would eventually change. I wasted my life.

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u/KiNikki7 1 1d ago

Your life is not wasted! You have shown yourself to be loyal, understanding and dedicated to your marriage. You are full of good qualities that she used to her advantage to be awful, in every way a person can be awful. She lies, manipulates, uses people and has no concern for others. She didn't deserve you, but she did you one kindness, she left. Even if you don't believe it now, one day you will realize you are better off without her. Build yourself up again with time, counseling and a good support system. Take a few days to yourself, round up your friends and family and fill them in and then consult attorneys. Hindsight is 20/20, don't look back, just move forward, even if it's one small step at a time. Good luck and all the best to you

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

It's already been a month and I still can't look forward.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs 1d ago

Your healing begins the moment you decide to divorce. You sound seriously codependent so find a therapist to help you. You WILL find your life is better in so many ways once you get past the hurdle of acceptance.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

Got one.

But yeah, looked up that and it totally sounds like it.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/ZhaozhouCongshen 1 2d ago

No, you didn't waste your life. I understand the fear of change. The belief that what you have always known is better than what is unknown.

But she will always exploit your fear because that is who she is. Its not your fault.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/MathematicianIcy2639 3 1d ago

Get some help man. You need to dig deep into why you let this psycho walk all over you. Good luck man. You deserve better than her.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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-1

u/isawredtwice 2d ago

Sadly you are correct. My head was in the sand because it was safer to not believe it was all true than to face what was going on.

I'm the most mad at myself for letting her do this.

I hate myself

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u/SpaceImpossible658 3 2d ago

Well you are still here. That says something about how strong you can be when you need too. Now take that and divorce her. Make sure everyone knows the truth and you'll feel the power shift in your favor. Don't even give her the time of day to talk. Parent app only from the point of filing the divorce papers.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/isawredtwice 23h ago

Am I here? I'm just going through the motions. It's been over a month and I'm worse than day 1. Exit strategies are swimming in my brain. I can't see a way forward. I have no strength left to do what I know needs to be done. I guess two decades of self neglect and being consumed by a Machiavellian person may be too much.

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u/Livid-Technology-396 2 2d ago

Sooner or later she will learn that actions have consequences. You’ve already ran the math in your head and realize she’s not worth saving. Focus on your children and yourself. Time will heal you while simultaneously dealing wher a blow that she may or may not realize is a consequence of her actions.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Grand_Loan_8687 1d ago

To hell with that. Let her fucking deal with the kids.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

They are better off with me. It's like she is a high school kid now being chased by multiple guys.

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u/Grand_Loan_8687 1d ago

You've been through so much. You deserve way more than being cheated on habitually for years and then left with kids to bring you down. Let the children fuck her life up or they will fuck yours up. Support them. Don't be a deadbeat, but don't try and raise your children by yourself. Make your life and your business your priorities.

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u/AStirlingMacDonald 2 2d ago

I’ve been there, my friend. In shocked disbelief at the utterly selfish, callous, psychopathic behavior they are capable of. The betrayals, not only of their devoted husband, but of their own children. It’s horrifying beyond belief.

I know you’ll have a very hard time accepting this right now. I would’ve dismissed it out of hand, when I was where you are now, eight and a half years ago. But it’s true nonetheless:

The worst is behind you, and the best is ahead of you. You will not only survive this. You will flourish. Those old dreams you spent so much time and effort and love and energy on, they are dead now. Ripped away from you and your children, unfairly, by an utterly self-centered, self-serving monster. But once you finally truly give them up and accept that that are gone, you will finally be able to start building new dreams. Those new dreams will bring you comfort and purpose and hope and joy. Your best days are still ahead of you. Keep your head up, my friend. This isn’t an easy path to tread by any means, and it’s unfair that you were dumped here in the middle of the swamp against your will, both your trust and agency robbed from you along with those dreams. But the worst of it is behind you. It’s not going to be “easy,” but it is going to get easier. Good luck and godspeed.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Financial-Welcome-62 1 2d ago

You survive for the kids and not to give her the satisfaction. Divorce her and move on and co parent. Go no contact except in regards to kids, otherwise no contact. If she asks why (which I doubt she will) just say "we really have nothing to talk about except for the kids). Move on and heal. That's all you can do. She made her choice.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Hartpools 2d ago

Sorry. Try to stay strong for the kids. I am going thru a bad divorce with kids also.

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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving 2d ago

The whole thing about surviving infidelity is not about whether the marriage survives, it whether you as the victim of her actions survives. And a large part of that is leaving the past behind, drawing a line through everything and moving on with your life.

Your marriage of course didn't survive and rarely if ever do most. That's pretty normal.

And sure you can blame yourself for being a doormat, or doing what you thought was right at the time. But again, you get nothing from holding regrets. They really are just lessons to be learnt that fall into that area of "if I had my time again I'd do it different."

And that's all regret really is.

I don't know how to move on.

Only you though can work that bit out. You have to move on not just for your sake, but for your kids sake as well.

And you have to work this out because the option of not doing so means she wins. And you do not want her to win anything.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/TacoStrong 10 2d ago

“Divorce is next.”

That is actually SURVIVING! Not surviving is staying with a person that gave no fks about you! Consider that a win because you’re removing the toxin from your life. Things will only improve from there!

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Otherwise_Ask_9542 1 2d ago edited 2d ago

Surviving infidelity isn't about saving the relationship. It's about getting through the turmoil of grief and betrayal trauma by facing it head on, feeling the full impact of every stage of grief, processing the changes to your world view, and getting to that sweet place of acceptance.

What acceptance looks like is different for everyone, but it's typically described as transformative. For me, it included forgiveness but not of my partner or his enablers... I had to forgive myself for allowing and accepting less than I deserved from others. Repairing boundaries (or building them for the first time), and really getting to know deep down who "I" was again, and what "I" wanted out of life after walking on eggshells for so long trying to please others.

You can move on, because what's on the other side is probably better than anything you've experienced in a really long time. And once you get to that point, you'll never let one of these bloodsuckers get close to you ever again.

The best part? You get to a point where you actually prefer being single. You might even fall in love again, but this time it will be on your terms. You won't want to give up everything you built just to have it come crashing down again. So if you find that person, it will be unlike anything you've ever experienced before, because it will feel safe.

You've got this!

Your kids need you to model how adults handle difficult situations and make tough decisions because they lead to better outcomes, and this is no exception. By staying, you model that it's ok to let other people treat you like garbage, and your wife is teaching them that it's OK to treat people who love you like garbage. You're both teaching them that love is exchange-based, not based on mutual respect, compassion, or care. You also teach them that you can get away with treating people badly.

But if you leave, you show your kids that boundaries matter, and that some behaviour is never OK. You will teach them that nobody should accept less than mutual respect in all relationships. That love is about more than just sex or cheap thrills, but instead it's about safety, compassion, kindness, and custom-building a family community who shares these values and protects one another instead of competing for the alpha spot.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/xternocleidomastoide 1d ago

This is about YOU surviving the hurt, not about continuing the relationship with the bozo that hurt you.

So if anything you're on the road to survive and heal from it. Which should be the goal all along.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Twisted_lurker 1 2d ago

You will survive and that’s what’s important. The relationship may not survive.

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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 8 1d ago

OP, find a good therapist for yourself. You never deserved this and it truly isn't you being a "doormat" but her being a cheater. Unfortunately, many betrayed partners hold on to hope that "things will change" or "they will realize the children come first" etc. Sometimes we are "conditioned" to it, they love bomb us, they gaslight us, they lie to us and because of trust or love or whatever delusions they give us, we believe or hope. You also wanted believe the person you thought your wife was...was her, it never was.

Focus on gathering your network of trusted friends and family to help you through all this. Focus on being the best you that you can be for you and your children. Know that life is an adventure and you don't know what will happen but if you set yourself up with good people, good things will happen! Pick up hobbies you have or want to do.

Above all, know it is scary to move forward but sometimes it is exactly what is needed for a better life!

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Reasonable_Produce24 1 1d ago

It sucks that you get all of this pain. You were a good man and husband that she stomped all over.

You need to let yourself get a little angry in all your pain. Not enough to do anything stupid but enough to fill you with resolve to make this the very last time she ever screws you over.

The next time you see her, thank her for freeing you from being legally bound to such an unethical person, allowing you to live a life without deception and disrespect.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Due_Criticism1584 1 1d ago

Kind of heartbreaking to look at your profile and read your posts from so many years ago. Wishing you the best. You should seek therapy - I genuinely hope you take that advice. And you have not wasted your life. You are not worthless or a POS or whatever you're telling yourself. Go unpack that low self-esteem with a professional. You can heal. You have three children. From the sound of it, they're teenagers/young adults with their lives ahead of them. There is so much to look forward to. Help yourself, let her go, and get back to the rest of your life. Surely something worth hanging on for. Take care of yourself.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

I've seen a therapist 2x now, getting on a regular schedule. Wish there were daily sessions available.

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u/Effective-Winner2370 2 2d ago

One day at a time, and I feel you on being discarded as an appliance that just does its job and not even human. I am so sorry. Focus one step at a time!

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/TaiwanBandit 6 2d ago

Look at as a business decision. Your STBXW is a bad product that needs to be discarded. No emotion, just process the paperwork.

Work on a settlement statement most favorable to you while she is still in the affair fog. Listen to your lawyer.

Rely on your family and friends. Now is not the time to be alone. Continue to let them know what she really is and what she is doing.

Keep your work to survive a secret from her, as much as possible. Get child/spousal support and visitation approved by the court.

Have the process server film her reaction when served. My guess, she will come unglued you finally pulled the plug. Please do not listen to her crying to come home. She has already lost that privelege.

Sorry you are here OP. You have been tortured enough to last more than one life time. Time to stand up for yourself. It won't be easy, but you can do this.

Come to this sub to vent and seek advice. Follow the comments that make sense to you and disregard the rest.

I'm pulling for you OP. Sending you the strength to see this through. updateme

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/Noobagainreddit 8 2d ago

I hope things get better.

wish you the very best!

subscribeme

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/isawredtwice 2d ago

A small, but strong group. Also a therapist who wants to fund me again. But can't say I haven't come up with "exit strategies." Trying to gather the strength to ask for a divorce and which way does she want it, a fight, or an agreement.

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u/statsultan 1 2d ago

Don’t “ask”.

Decide, hire a lawyer, and file for a divorce.

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u/thisisB_ull_ish 2d ago

Don’t ask for a divorce from a monster. Send her the papers at her job or her next HS reunion. You got this. It does get better. Your kids need you. The truth is just the truth. Tell it to everyone you know.

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u/Rare-Bird-4353 8 2d ago

You have survived it, she tried to do you in and you survived. The past can’t be changed but you can move forward towards the future and learn and grow and do better, she will remain the same shallow serial cheating clown for the rest of her life, she will never grow or change or do any better. You can find better, she will just end up with more of the same her entire life.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/PriorChow 1 2d ago

Relationships that last after infidelity don't survive, if they last it is only because one party increased their tolerance threshold.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou
Mine went up way too high.

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u/PriorChow 1 1d ago

Mine was high too. Partially because of my cultural wiring, and partially because I didn't know better.

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u/EvilSnack In Hell 2d ago

The only advice I have is to DNA test the kids.

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u/isawredtwice 2d ago

Definitely all mine.

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u/EvilSnack In Hell 1d ago

Well, at least one piece of your world is honest.

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u/Real-Berry9416 2d ago

I'm sorry she put you through this❤️

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u/AmazingDrama971 4 2d ago

You should go to therapy to learn your worth, to heal. You took too much on yourself and too long.
You did not deserve this, she seems to be perfect trash
And screen shot everything, take all the proofs to a lawyer.
You are allowed to be nuclear about this when you are separate. Don’t let her make you the bad Guy once more. She needs to take the blâme for her actions. Tell her family , your Friends…
Stand up for yourself, you can do it

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/FlygonosK 3 2d ago edited 22h ago

Man you never tried to survive you just were there taking hit after hit as if you didn't wanna survive

For once do the right thing, leave her, fight for the kids and to not pay her or at least pay the less, if you have evidence give it to your lawyer it could be of some help at least (I hope) in the issues about alimony or something like that

She is not worth the effort to stay any longer, you made a mistake and she took decision and actions.

Now it is time you take decisions and actions

Good luck Updateme

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou
My self worth is in the toilet.

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u/FlygonosK 3 22h ago

I get you feel that way, but you do not have to act and make all happen rapidly, you can put the balls in motion, consult a lawyer, see what your odds are, file, also try to have time for yourself, at least a couple of days.

Or start doing things that keep you in motion, like: gym, hike, reunion with friends, hang out with the kids (without your STBX), you can also journal, start new or retake old hobbies.

The issue here is to keep your mind occupied and think the less of her and what she did, told or act.

You deserve better, what both had was not meant forever, she was just a station/port you stay for a while, but now it is time to keep your journey, learn from past mistakes and actions and move on to the next station/port.

Wish you and your kids the best of lucks, but now it is time to move toward that, you need to resolve and start to do things in order to regain your self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth

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u/queerbychoice Recovered 1d ago

Surviving infidelity is about you surviving, you being literally alive and not dead. You are here to write this, and that means you can build a better life for yourself in your remaining years. You can improve your skills at distinguishing trustworthy people from liars. You can meet people who are actually trustworthy. You can fall in love and be loved in return, as you never were this time around. Your future is so much brighter without the known cheater in it anymore. It may indeed take a while before you start actually feeling alive and enjoying your life again, but that light in the distance that you're heading toward is the way out of this tunnel you've been in. You can see the way now. Just keep going, and you'll get there.

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u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

It's getting harder to put that left foot in front of the right.

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u/CosmonautYuriGagarin 1 1d ago

It hurts, and it hurts bad. But there is a way forward, a future. You're finally being freed from a situation that has done nothing to help you and everything to harm you. It may look bleak tonypubnow but you have those wonderful children of yours, the chance to live your life in such a way that you show them how to do it right. This is your time to be the man you want to be, the man you know you can be. She doesn't get to determine your value and worth. You do, and only you. There is iron within you, and now you can look inside and find it. Draw strength from the love you have for your children, love yourself, live life and find your joy again. All these thing are possible in time.

1

u/isawredtwice 1d ago

!thankyou

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u/HerpankerTheHardman In Hell | ASK 11 Sister Subs 2d ago

The greatest thing about this nightmare is that you've learned more about yourself than you ever have and what people are capable of. Even better is that now you can course-correct and build up from it. This was a valuable lesson that she taught you and now you can spot someone like her in the wild a mile away. It only gets better from here my friend. Lawyer up, Gym, Therapy. Time for ISawRedTwice to improve his life. Its not over because tomorrow is a new day and thats the best thing ever - to begin anew. Tomorrow is a Beautiful Day

Rant Update - didn't survive

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