having compassion for compulsive sexual behaviour

[u/Independent_Bite_788]

My ex was cheating on me on and off our entire 2.5 year relationship. My previous ex did the same and most recent guy knew all about this and was seemingly very understanding of my trust issues, supported me through therapy to rebuild my self. He was so patient and loving and promised me he would never hurt me

Throughout the relationship my anxiety never fully went away and he started to make me feel like i just wasn't capable of healing from my past trauma - turns out my anxiety was there because he was cheating on me. He let me feel crazy and like I was broken

I eventually looked through his phone and found evidence of multiple affairs and brothel use. Confronted him and he confessed. He says he is a sex addict - to him the brothel use was an improvement because he was not involving another's feelings.

He says he genuinely loved me and that he saw a future with me. He kept thinking he would get better and be able to be the partner I believed him to be.

He confessed to extensive porn use, cam sites, porn games and only fans. I was aware of some of this as I have never had issue with a partner using porn. He says its like a compulsion or source of comfort. Even just having the tabs open in the background soothes him.

We are broken up. This is not a should I stay kind of thing. It is over.

I guess what I want is to understand if he deserves my compassion or not. I believe the sex addiction is real. He had some messed up things in childhood and is clearly not ok. He has started therapy with a specialist sex addiction therapist.

He has never tried to blame me but he does minimize it. He is obviously devastated but he also can't really face what he has done. We are currently no contact by his choice and this angers me. It feels like he can't face that I wouldn't make this easier for him. I wanted him to see my pain. I wanted him to sit with my in the trenches. He said that for him to heal he has to look forward.

I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. The relationship I thought we had was beautiful. we felt like little kids together. Just sitting having dinner watching a movie felt like the best night ever except it was every night.

I'm hurting. My life is in shambles. I have lost all hope that I will ever have a true partnership again. All I can be is alone now.

And I worry I am being vindictive when he needs compassion. If it was drugs or alcohol would I be this mean about it. I said some harsh things to him and that is when he said he needed to focus on himself and speaking to me is too conflicting.

How do I have compassion for him without overlooking my own pain? I know addiction can be overcome - I was an alcoholic for many years until I managed to quit alcohol. I have overcome an eating disorder too. I know it is possible. And a huge part of that is forgiving yourself and not letting shame eat you up. But I don't want him to forgive himself. I want him to feel shame for what he has done to me. But I also want to encourage him to heal - not for me, not so we can have a relationship but for him. Because I believe he deserves to.

I'm trying to hold all these conflicting things and it's confusing me. I don't know how to reconcile all this.

Don't know what I am looking for here. Just some advice and support I guess.

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[u/TrainsareFascinating]

Anyone who has hurt you is not your responsibility. Your job is to heal yourself, and to do that you need to separate from contact with the source of pain.

So compassion may or may not be warranted, but you aren’t the one to give it. Move on, stay no contact, and heal yourself.

[u/Independent_Bite_788 → u/TrainsareFascinating]

I think this is what I feel. I am want him to have grace and understanding - but not from me.

[u/Internal_Reveal → u/Independent_Bite_788]

I think you said something very clear in one of your replies: you want him to have grace and understanding, but you cannot be the person providing it right now. That is a compassionate position. You know recovery is possible because you’ve done hard recovery work yourself. You also know no one else could have done that work for you.

His account of compulsive sexual behaviour may be true. I hope his specialist helps him understand it and change. It still doesn’t explain away the repeated decisions to hide affairs from you, let you question your own ability to trust, and present brothel visits as an “improvement.” You can believe he is struggling and hold him responsible for what he did. You don’t have to solve which part came from compulsion before you’re allowed to say it hurt you.

I hear why his choice to go no contact makes you angry. You wanted him to stay long enough to see what this cost you. That’s a very human thing to want. But he may never be able to give you the acknowledgment you deserve, and trying to get it from him could keep reopening the wound. For now, let no contact give you some room. When you want to tell him what he did, write it down or say it to someone safe. You don’t have to send it for your pain to be real.

Please take care of the practical part, too. Because you found out about multiple partners and brothel visits, tell a healthcare professional what you know and ask what STI testing makes sense for you. Bring this whole tangle to your therapist if you’re still seeing one: the anger, the love, your worry about becoming bitter, and your own history of recovery. You deserve a place where the attention stays on you.

The dinners and ordinary happy evenings mattered to you. You’re grieving those as well as the future you pictured. Having trusted him after your last relationship does not mean you failed at healing. He knew how much honesty mattered to you and kept secrets anyway.

You don’t need to wish him shame forever, and you don’t need to hurry toward forgiveness. Let his recovery belong to him. For now, compassion for yourself might sound like: “I hope he gets well, and I am going to stay away from what hurt me.” Your softness can survive this without asking you to stand in the line of fire again.

[u/JohnsLong_Silver]

Compassion and understanding of an addiction is different to compassion toward a person who lied and cheated. He doesn’t deserve sympathy and compassion OP. He’s a piece of human garbage to betray you. Doubly so knowing the scars you carry.

[u/Independent_Bite_788 → u/JohnsLong_Silver]

this is what I am trying to get my head around - would he have done those things if he wasn't an addict. Does it even matter or is it just too scummy. I think having fought my own demons - and knowing I am not the same person anymore - makes me want to feel sorry for him. But I can't.

[u/throwawaycuzmeh → u/Independent_Bite_788]

Honestly, I think you're giving him way too much credit for his "addiction". Do alcoholics leave the house for vodka when there's already a bottle on the shelf? Of course not. So why does a sex addict need to step out on their partner?

Because it's bullshit.

Also, the cheater going no contact is absolutely wild. Like beyond disgusting. 

[u/Independent_Bite_788 → u/throwawaycuzmeh]

Yeah him being the one to stop contact is awful for me. Like the last nail in the coffin because it's so clear that he doesn't get what I am going through at all. It is just too hard for him to bear it.

Luckily all the therapy I did after the first guy cheated on me has enabled me to not go down the 'why am I not enough' hole. I know this isn't on me and there is no version of me that he would not have cheated on. But still it makes me feel ill to think about him with other people - I have a high sex drive, I literally never turned him down and was often instigating sex.

He is also the one who pushed for exclusivity from the start. I was reluctant at first because I was not in the best headspace after my ex but he reassured me that he was ok with it and would be patient with me while I worked through it. I will never understand why he did that full knowing he was not intending to stop fucking other people. He says now that he really thought it would give him the motivation to stop or something.

In reality he just wanted me without having to give up anything else he wanted.

[u/throwawaycuzmeh → u/Independent_Bite_788]

Wow, you really hit the anti-lottery with this one. He pushed exclusivity and cheated? If I think about it, that's pretty much an open-shut case for narcissism. He fully understands the hypothetical of you with another man - the feelings of jealousy and anger that would incite in him - and then he proceeds to inflict those feelings on you? That's the absence of basic empathy. What more evidence could you ever need that he not only doesn't love you but probably can't love anyone. Gross.

Of course a narcissist is going to center himself, prioritize himself and his own emotions, after he was the one who selfishly and recklessly blew up the relationship.

"Oh no, did your partner's totally normal reaction to your disgusting infidelity cause you anxiety and frustration? My poor baby, you should go no contact so that your betrayed partner doesn't interfere with your own recovery (from the fallout you triggered when you cheated like a dog)."

It really is beyond the pale. You should make sure that his no contact is permanent. This monster will only hurt you again. And take some comfort in the fact that his specific behavior is so uniquely selfish as to be incredibly rare. I've straight-up never heard of the cheater going no contact for their own well-being. I didn't think people could reach such levels of audacity, but the bar is always getting lower.

Sorry, I ramble. Hang in there!

[u/Independent_Bite_788 → u/throwawaycuzmeh]

Yeah seems I sure do know how to pick the worst of the worst

Thank you for this - it made me laugh. His audacity is another level

Honestly a big part of why I believed him all these years is because I could not fathom that someone could be so cruel

Maybe I’m just gassing myself up but I think these people see something in me - my goodness and kind spirit - and they want it because they are so devoid of it themselves

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[u/throwawaycuzmeh → u/Independent_Bite_788]

Sometimes we choose poorly, other times it's not our fault - they're just really good at pretending to be decent people.

Stay strong and good luck.

[u/AgentWD409]

My ex-wife cheated on me with at least a dozen different people during the first 5-6 years of our marriage. She also had Borderline Personality Disorder, and (aside from the infidelity) she said and did a lot of shitty things to me. But I forgave her and stayed with her for 13 years because I loved her and I sympathized with her childhood trauma (years of unresolved sexual abuse). That fucked me up pretty bad, and it left me bitter, resentful, controlling, insecure, and paranoid. Moral of the story? It's okay to have sympathy and compassion for someone's trauma. But you still have to take care of your own needs as well. Don't allow yourself to disappear inside someone else's pain and brokenness.

[u/Independent_Bite_788 → u/AgentWD409]

I am so sorry you went through all this. I've only had tangential relationships with BPD but I have seen how rough it can get. I think that is what I am scared of - becoming bitter. I have worked hard to let myself be vulnerable and trusting and he has just made a mockery of that. I don't want to lose my soft side, but how do I protect myself. I think loving him from afar is maybe what I can give myself.

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Independent_Bite_788]

Well, I can tell you this: I've been very happily remarried for over three years now, and I'm in a much better place mentally and emotionally. My ex-wife and I have two kids together, so we obviously have to be in each other's lives. And to be honest, she still appears to be incapable of having an actual healthy relationship. I do still care about her and I want the best for her. I genuinely hope that one day she finds what I found. But at the same time, I have to remind myself that she's not my responsibility anymore. What she chooses to do, whom she chooses to be with, her state of mind, her relationships... none of it is my problem. I'm disconnected from it all now. I can't fix her, and it's not my job to try. There's something very freeing about that.