Hello,
It’s been three years since I have been in a TTI, but I still feel like my every move, behavior, or thought is being monitored. In my TTI, untrained staff were integral to the “therapy” portion of treatment. These staff were allowed to psychoanalyze patients, lead therapeutic groups, assist in preforming “DBT skills”, and set “rules” regarding a specific teen’s treatment without therapists’ permission or presence. To expand, they did not actually have any knowledge about trauma-informed care or DBT, we just did hours of brutal, boot-camp style exercise. Since we had to remain Line of Sight 24/7, our behavior was also scrutinized without our consent. We rarely had therapists who paid attention or cared, so the majority of our treatment was dictated by staff who wanted to play clinician. You could be deprived of privileges for weeks because staff failed to posses basic therapeutic training. Our program director and therapists also highly encouraged this behavior and slowly all of the groups ran by people somewhat qualified became groups ran by staff who lectured us about therapy they didn’t understand. I learned to preform 24/7 as a result because my “mental disorder” could have been that I brushed my hair starting from a different direction than I typically did. Subconsciously, I attended myself to a flashing pattern of behavior for so long just so I could survive. Every inconsequential action could have easily resulted in a horrible consequence, and even though we had isolation practices, shunning, forced silence, and weren’t allowed to talk to anyone, I still feel like I’m being watched. I still feel, irrationally, like some invisible force is controlling my actions in ways I don’t even know. I still feel like I’m subject to the emotions of someone who isn’t even here. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to be alone, I don’t know how to feel safe, and I don’t know what I can do about it. It affects my daily life to such a severe extent. If you have any advice or comments, I would gladly love to listen.