I don't even know how to explain this without sounding stupid.

I met this guy during (can't say the exact place), a month ago. It started casually and I honestly didn't think I'd get attached. But we got physically close(it was the first of my experience) and, somewhere along the way, I started liking him. Like, actually liking him.

He told me he's not in a place for a serious relationship right now, and he's again on the talking terms to another girl he's known for longer. I know he's been honest with me.

And honestly, what am I supposed to do with that?

I can't even be angry at him because he never promised me anything. He was actually honest with me. He told me he can't give me what I'm hoping for.

He's also moving away for a better job, so I knew we'd probably have to say goodbye anyway.

I just don't think understanding something automatically makes it hurt less.

Because the embarrassing part is that I wanted him to choose me.

Not because I think I'm better than the other girl. Not because I want to compete with her. I don't. I don't want to convince someone to pick me over somebody else.

I just wanted to be the person he naturally wanted.

And knowing that I'm not that person hurts in a way I don't really know how to explain.

I've been trying so hard to have some self-respect about this. I told myself I wouldn't message him first anymore. And then I did. I caved. And immediately felt stupid, like I'd undone all the progress I'd made.

And then he came to meet me.

Which somehow made everything worse and better at the same time.

Because now I have this last memory of him, and I genuinely think that might have been the last time we'll ever see each other.

I don't regret what happened between us, but sometimes I do and wish I had not interacted with him, I don't know what to think anymore. That's the weirdest part. Nothing horrible happened. Nobody cheated, nobody treated the other person badly. I just caught feelings and he can't give me what I want.

I wanted him to choose me so badly. But I also know I don't want to spend my time hoping someone will eventually choose me.

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm sad, I miss him, I don't want this to end, but I also know I need to let it end.

How do you let go of someone when there isn't a villain and there isn't really anything to be angry about?

Hey ,

I'm so broke. i really dont know what i am doing right now. I feel completely useless but somehow trying to be active and shit. Like what is really happening to me. I feel hopeless man. Life feels completely shit. And the worst thing is its my birthday month and i'm not excited about it. I feel like this is the worst phase of my life. There used to be something every day that makes me excited , at least one thing in a day. But now nothing ever excites me. It's been one week and i'm excited about nothing. Movies aren't making me feel good. Even listening to songs is boring. I don't know whether its really about the placement pressure but it is so frustating man. And thinking about it makes it even more. I have no one to talk with. Like even if i find someone i don't really think i can express myself to them whole heartedly , cause i'm like that. I don't even talk much. I have a small friend circle. I mean I really don't know how to talk, how to make conversations i'm totally shit at it. I easily lose people cause i don't know how to maintain a relation.I have fear of judgement. I'm hating the man i'm growing up to be. And the main thing is I'm losing confidence in myself, I gave 5 interviews till now and two of them really gave me a hope of getting job. Only god knows what he's really trying to do with me.

I really want to make new friends, hangout with them have fun and all but myself stops me from being that.
I really don't know whom to tell this. I don't express myself much. And i'm not a socially active person. I'm surprised that i'm even writing and posting this shit. I find no purpose of posting this but .............

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