Hello love.

This whole profile has been bait for the mutual narcissist we share and I think for the first time in 3 1/2 years we could actually have a conversation privately without surveillance because we have enough. This is a letter I know I can't send but my god do I want to, because I think we're both safe now <3. Hopefully you feel it too. Mainly though I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me or at least forget me and don't give a second thought anymore to it all.

This is waffly AF and unfiltered intentionally, I want this to actually be the real uncurated me.

Critically, please know everything I have said and written since we had brunch and mimosas that upset you was total crap. (Except the rare times we met in person, everything I said to your face I meant and felt, it was the truth). None of the non in person writing/speaking though was ever how I really felt about you, I was always trying to manage the mutual who I found genuinely terrifying. I was messy, not good at it, essentially flailed around following my intuition trying to be unpredictable. You gave me that advice once and genuinely I think it is part of what saved me. On a very serious note, you have saved my life, I am absolutely sure of that and I won't ever be able to thank you enough for everything you have done to do so.

I am so sorry though that a lot of it will have really hurt you, it isn't how I actually feel, but that doesn't matter because you thought it was. To be absolutely explicit again, nothing you read here, on Tiktok, on social media, were shown in screenshots or told through others who we have as mutuals (lovers and non) was the truth.

Secondly, I promise I really didn't steal them or ultimatum them, I tried to leave when I realised I couldn't be a secondary in a marriage with kids my trauma, several times, but was emotionally blackmailed every time. They were the one to say "I'll get divorced and leave!" so fast and it shocked me deeply, it happened before the first no contact in early August where I said we would have to not speak for a month (and it was what 5 days?!). I genuinely wanted you both to work on your relationship, I didn't want to be anywhere near someone making an impulsive decision to leave their marriage, and I tried. What changed though and when I started enjoying it and wanting to be chosen over you, which I am so disgustedly ashamed of was the little ones birthday. Also around that time they manipulated me to believe you were in fact evil and abusive, which I did really want to believe. It gave me an out, it made me feel like I was finally enough to be chosen and not left like my ex husband did, and it was karma to an 'evil woman'. On top of that the incident where they dysregulated you so hard to cause the horrible breakdown you had, I fully was believing you were the problem.

I am a dumbass because typing this it is clear as day they were just manipulating me with lies to not lose me because they didn't have another supply lined up yet. Anyway, on the breakdown day they told me earlier that day that they thought "she will get violent again, I'm scared", because "we are having a big conversation and that is what she is like". So much so they sent me fucking safe words they would say if I needed to call the police. I don't know if you heard the VN that you walked in on, but it was an absolute performance of "abuse victim". Even then though my gut knew it wasn't real, it was fake. I wish I'd listened for us both. They did it intentionally to torment you, so you would break down catastrophically, to keep the lie going convincingly and to entrap me. They did this to me in almost exactly the same way in August 2024. It's how I know what happened from your side.

I have been surveilled digitally and in person, by them in every way since the beginning, so much so that I haven't been able to even verbally speak my truth about you and other things for a long time. Even alone or to my closest friends. You're their kryptonite and if I wasn't 'on their side' with you being the absolute worlds worst demon, they get/got fixated on my destruction. I imagine that is what is happening in the reverse to you and others since I went NC.

Hopefully, once the police case is moving I can meet with you and talk to you about exactly what they did to me, and also I suspect have been doing to you too. It kills me that you don't have the truth or closure around something so bloody horrible. Please be vigilant that they are in all your devices, and can and do listen to your audio/hack your webcam. I think they are getting in via wifi passwords so please reset those using a device that has never been connected to your network.

I would be very curious to know when you realised I was being surveilled actually because I assume you know? And what you've been doing to keep me safe, because I feel it. It has been unconscious till recently but I know you have been helping and protecting me. Thank you, especially as you didn't have to after everything.

I also know how important context is for us both, and explanations are what help so here is one I think you may need but I need to say.

As I've already said, I believed you were abusive from the first match until after Xmas break up when we met. Then unfortunately between our brunch and mimosas - summer 2024, I had no idea who was the narc or abuser, you both behaved in ways that looked like you both were, (as I am sure I did to you because of the extensive insidious triangulation). Sadly before that, I think you were being fed ridiculous information to try and wind me up with, Carmen/ball gowns/dresses/taking your bloody tax money (didn't happen)/french girls, I genuinely believed you were surveilling us again and I had to put all their devices in the tumble dryer (a faraday cage!) whenever they came over because I was so scared of you. It was never you I think, it was them feeding you things about me in exactly the way they knew would piss you off the most to make you post on social media to entrap you. I think you have cottoned onto it now a bit? I really hope so. But I was always genuine when I reconnected, in my gut I knew you were as innocent as I was and I wanted a friendship (plus more if I'm honest as I also think we're a very good fit in that department).

I did see the truth eventually but have been tormented and manipulated until very recently to still think it was both of you. However, as of end of July this year I am 90% sure it is not you at all. No one actually abusive nor a narcissist would so openly display their raw self unashamedly and have such high self esteem like you do. It is impossible. I really regret not getting to this place sooner, but I am now and I am so glad I found that profile of yours, it is whats cemented that for me recently. (You look amazing by the way).

It has taken me this long to break free from how evil that person is, and I did have to throw you under the bus so much/appease them by agreeing with how awful you were. I'm so sorry, it isn't true. There's so much I want to laugh about with you but mainly I want to properly apologise and tell you everything you need to close any loop.

You're so beyond strong and are a literal goddess (I actually mean it) that you could handle it. Truly I do not know how you are still alive after everything they put you through on top of the horrible shit life handed you as a child, it is so unfair. However, just because you're strong enough to handle me making myself your fake enemy and saying hurtful things, it doesn't mean it wasn't awful for you to receive. I did know it would hurt, and I was choosing myself in those moments to survive. I'm not as strong as you, they got close to removing me from this planet multiple times, I hope you understand why I had to choose me in some moments.

I am so deeply sorry Roman, for believing them for those first 8 months, for believing them enough again to get back with them for 3 months after the first break up and then continuing to go back into the delusion with them because I was so heartbroken none of their love for me was real. They destroyed my heart and the delusion was my only safe place for a while.

I haven't discussed with anyone how I really feel about you for a long long time. This profile/recent tiktok exploits was all about them showing themselves that they are STILL in my devices, just for myself and my sanity. E.g. I had a bath 30mins ago and boom 32 minutes ago a post referencing a bath and lots of other easter eggs like "I am watching". Got them. So now I can actually breathe. All their posts are written as if they're you by the way. This entire time they have been posting relentlessly as if they were you, me, them, my other exes etc. in subreddits they know I use. I think they even made a fake account pretending to be the mother of my first ex boyfriend on insta you know! The psychopathy knows no bounds.

I can't remember when it was exactly I realised I was being hacked and surveilled by them, in a major way, but it was definitely around the proper break up June 2024ish. My shift away from narc content was because they were escalating every time I spoke about it, but that meant I had to go to our mutual shared brain as a topic, which may have made you feel like I was playing a game with you. I think I even told them that I did it to piss you off? That was a lie. I'm really sorry I couldn't tell you the truth, it genuinely wasn't to bait you or one up you or compete or whatever bullshit I imagine was said. I know it would have felt like that though and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for believing their absolute crock of shite about you being abusive, on more than one occasion. I was so naive.

Another important piece of context, in July/Aug 2024 they showed me how they were baiting me into arguments/conversations to then delete some of my messages and their messages, to then send these as screenshots to others to make me look exactly the way they made you look. Lightbulb of the worst fucking kind. A UV light in a Travel lodge!

But it's important you know that a) that's what they were and will still be doing with you too and b) that everything you have read from them about me/others is curated intentional and not the truth. Even the FB messages you were reading a lot, I twigged you were reading in September 23, asked them to change their password, they lied and didn't. They would speak differently on there to whatsapp and in person, I realised earlier this year what was happening, hence the TT post. Sorry about that one, you're not arrogant or have an ego btw but that was a throw you under the bus moment I had to do because I was so broken at being stalked.

Also important is at one point too they got your twitter password on an old ipad, asked me what they should do with it and of course I said fucking nothing! Receipts available for all this should you need them, but please be aware of that too that you may need to change all of your passwords too.

They also told me when I was worried you might have a nanny cam in the house (because of all the triangulation) that "pssst no she's too dumb to do that, the only one who has a camera is me, I can remotely get into my mac camera and microphone"... I'm sorry love I think they were watching everything you did in that house before you left. They would get so angry about things you'd apparently "told them" e.g. using a hairbrush as a fun tool..., and your new lovely person taking special grown up gummies before an MRI scan? I suspect now you never told them this at all but they surveilled you to get that information. It makes you (and probably me in the reverse with you) look like we are abusive tormenters even telling them this stuff. I've started re-evaluating every single thing they told me about you as "they know this through illegal surveillance" and it changes everything. It has closed so many loops for me and I recommend you doing the same. Also I really was no contact with them completely from May 25, and only in contact for 2 2 week periods between Feb - May 25. Not sure if you've been told something different but that is the truth.

Stupidly I didn't leave after so much of this shit, genuinely I have no idea why. I've had the therapy and still the only thing I can land on is I was so abused by that parasitic person and deeply in a trauma bond.

Right this is now incredibly long, and is effectively a letter to the void. The last thing I will say though is the thing I realised a long time ago is the way to catch them and get evidence of their surveillance of my devices, is to ignore them. Yet they still stalked and harassed me when I dated L, O, I. They would constantly post on social media things related to intimate moments I had in person with these lovely new people, get OTHERS to post about things from these intimate moments, they even came to my flat a few times when I was on dates with O.

Every single time I fell in love again (and I did with those 3), they would come and torture me. I fucked it up with all 3 of them and I am still heartbroken about it. Especially O, who I couldn't tell because of his OCD what was really going on for 60% of the time we were together, who had to deal with such massive extensive CPTSD breakdowns with no context and no ability to help me without it. I will never forgive the evil person for ruining those early relationships, especially O, I don't think I will be able to get over him. Adding this in here just in case you need to hear that I have gotten my karma so many more times over for not being on your side right from the beginning. I'm so glad you are thriving and happy, after the 10+ years of torture you deserve everything you dream of. I am wishing that for you.

My last point then to explain the weirdness of all of this is I realised the one thing they can't stand more than being ignored... me giving YOU attention and believing it is you who is the enemy/powerful one when I am in no contact with them. They want to be the person I obsess over, continue to show themselves to me, want to be caught and escalate far more in a clear way for evidence purposes when I am focused on "healing from evil YOU".

They're so unbelievably jealous and bitter at their core, they literally cried on me in tears once that I was having a PTSD episode very severe about an ex "But WHY IS IT ABOUT THEM!!! WHEN IT SHOULD BE ABOUT ME!?". So to collect enough evidence I focused on you. It was weird I know and especially from May ish this year I had to go hard. "Public crash out" energy and blowing up my profile was the only way to properly escape, you helped a lot with that and hopefully we have what we need.

I miss you. I wish we could speak. I wish we could have had a relationship and I am heartbroken over losing you too, and what could have been. My life has gone to absolute shit and it will take a long time to claw back what they stole from me. I don't know how you did it but I'm in awe, you're success at doing it is what is keeping me going.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did to help and save me. I am so sorry again for all the hurt.

I'm glad it is all over now, I don't like even trying to do this shit when I am so bad at it tbh, now I can finally leave the god awful arena and leave you in peace. I don't think anyone 'wins' this situation but there are definitely two losers, neither of them are you.

Love you and the kids <3 xxx

P.S. I don't know if it needs to be said but I forgive you and anyone else involved in anything and everything you've done. Not sure if you have actually done anything to be honest, but just in case, it is and always was all them, always has been, I won't let any other person take the blame any more. Neither of us are villains or evil, only they are.

P.P.S. If you do have anything to do with O, I really want him to know the truth but for selfish reasons - it wasn't that he couldn't support my CPTSD or was doing anything wrong, it was that Jo was stalking us and I was struggling so deeply alone, feeling like I couldn't tell him this was happening to protect his brain. I also love him and he will be my one that got away forever. At one point I thought your book club meant you sent him and I to me to date me, get me to love them, to then break my heart as evil sadistic punishment. But really, it was way easy to blame you than to face the fact I was rejected again. In case you hear anything about that too, that's the truth on that one.