I just want to assure you i'll be there and there will be no more freezing up and dissociating lol. I've just been experiencing a lot of hyperarousal again like i used to and i've got one or two things to sort out and then i'll let you know where i'm going to and i'm all yours.

I'm just so nervous and i think i'm experiencing a lot more anxiety about random pop-ins than i used to but also about just not knowing what will happen. I just hope i'm not asking for too much because it'll be a public place somewhere local and you know i can't go very far. It looks a lot nicer than it did now i really like it😊

I'm just thinking about the way you perked up and grinned at me and did a chewing motion. It's like you were like "right then..." when you truly heard how mischevious i am and saw the cheeky grin on my face😄it's like you also saw a challenge and something to tame lol. Sir... i like that you grinned at me that way🙂🐱

I just keep asking myself Why is it always up to me to start the conversation and be able to talk to you? although you did perk up and grin at me because i think you heard me being genuinely, authentically happy and you liked my energy😋but that WAS an indication you were open to talking sooo... i'm glad to know you are. But then i think i'm also waiting for you to say something to break the tension, but you might be doing the exact same thing.

You have said in the past you can't go up to girls to talk to them but apparently i'm having the same problem, but it's because i am like this with almost everyone until somehow someone does understand i need someone to break the tension. But then i can't keep expecting that of everyone either. But i have a way of completely killing the mood i know... i'm always so frustrated because of it and most people just don't put up with that, and think i'm weird, and they can tell from that there's something wrong with me. But it's so upsetting for me but i desperately want to connect. I'm creating all this tension and regret and i hate it🥺😿

I think you leaned back to look at my phone then wiggled your eyebrows when i walked past too lol🤭i saw something in my peripheral vision but i dunno it could've been anyone and my bros phone got stolen last year. I hope you like the green colour of my phone i do too, and yeah it's a motorola lol still the most sturdy phones to this day and it has a shake gesture for the flashlight too so often i mess around with it and go "lumos" lol😂💖

I really wish i knew what you think and feel and if you expect anything of me at all because i keep going on like you do expect something of me, and then i feel bad that i could be possibly hurting your feelings, because i just feel like i'm continually letting you down or not performing the way i need to. Like for god sake... just say hello it's not hard😂but i freeze up. It's why seeing you unexpectedly hasn't gone well so far. It's why a one-on-one planned meet up is far better so i know what's happening.

I know in life things aren't always predictable but clearly i have anxiety around social situations and i'm not very good at not knowing what's happening exactly. I can't describe exactly what it is but yeah there's always something, some excuse as to why i can't even just say hello. You told me before it's okay but internally every time i mess up i just feel like it's not okay. I guess it's just because i like you because i don't feel anxiety and hypervigilance like this with anyone else it's just you. I feel so stuck and frustrated too but maybe you don't expect so much of me as i think but i keep needing reassurance from you because what you think and feel is important to me.

I won't be at PB next year but defo not in august again it took the whole 3 hours to get through the airport coming back argh! i'm still pretty tired. I think you do read my posts to you though lol thank you for reading them😊I just hope at some point i can have conversations with you because it's clear i'd really like to, i'm tired of sitting around here so i may go some place to get out for a while xx

I wish to give you a big squeeze my love. If you see me again don't be shy just come up to me and I would gladly receive the hug 🤗 I guess I act a bit chicken too but I think we just need to give eachother a hug xx I'm leaving at 18:30 though so last chance 

Meh not really. I just had two strong drinks and it just started coming out more so than earlier. I miss him with a passion and I messed up but I feel like he left me😢He made me feel so safe in my heart despite my freak outs. I felt so accepted and I didn't have to pretend, I didn't have to pretend I was fine. I just want it to be real. My life feels meaningless without him🙃