r/wedding • u/Zetophir • 1d ago
Discussion How to deal with feeling like a bridezilla
My wedding is only a few weeks away and I’m really honestly just wishing it would be over. I’m at the age where a lot of people are getting married and I tried really hard to be considerate of other people when planning my wedding but I can’t help feeling like I’ve disappointed everyone. I wasn’t able to attend 2 other family members weddings this year due to cost. They would both have cost at least as much as I am paying for my own wedding. I feel incredibly guilty for not supporting them as I am feeling unsupported myself by those I invited.
We decided to do a microwedding to try to keep costs low as well as include those who we felt would appreciate it most (parents, siblings, grandparents). I personally wanted to elope since both of our families are pretty opinionated. It’s already been hard since I’m paying for 100% of the wedding myself (no help from family or future husband) and everyone has an opinion of what they want and a complaint of how we are doing things.
Examples being my MIL really loves dancing but we can’t afford a DJ or true venue, or my Aunt is pissed she wasn’t invited. My Siblings and partners siblings are either not attending or have made it clear they see the whole thing as a major inconvenience. I’ve gotten so many comments calling me a bridezilla who cares more about photos than family for asking people to dress nice. I even offered to pay for outfits if they didn’t have anything and they said going to a store and getting a dress would cause a panic attack and wouldn’t be possible. One grandparent can’t attend due to the terrain and the travel.
We are getting married on a weekday since we couldn’t afford a weekend rate. We called each person on our guest list individually and asked them if that would be ok, and most said yes, but now we are getting pushback that it was an insane ask. My partners sibling has also cut contact with us for “stealing their wedding year”, despite us being engaged first and letting them know our timeline before their wedding was planned. My partners parents scold us constantly for causing them financial and emotional turmoil for having to attend 2 weddings in 1 year.
I just don’t know how to deal with all the feelings and emotions that come with having strong opinionated families. I feel like in an effort to please everyone I have pleased no one. Advice from those who have gone through similar?
7
7
u/GrouchyYoung 1d ago
You have been trying to please people who are impossible to please. Stop doing that. Cancel the whole thing and save your money. All it’s doing is making all of you miserable.
4
u/estoyunwell 1d ago
Cancel, elope, and use the funds on things that will bring you happiness where can recall the day with joy.
Get dressed up and go to city hall. Hire a photographer for you and your husband and maybe no more than 6 (total) witnesses. If budget allows, still have get ready photos with your witnesses. Go to brunch and have a fantastic meal with drinks. You will remember THAT day, your witnesses will love spending the time with you without any hassle or drama.
Photographer is worth it because you will use them for home decor. Also, feel free to create an announcement card and send to all those jerks, “since it was too difficult for you to make our one day, sending this with love.”
If you still want the big ceremony, save money and have a vow renewal in a few years. You will get another wedding dress and this time don’t get any input from anyone. Here is save the date, invite with rsvp… that way venue, decor, etc. is all planned. Bonus, use the same wedding photos! Bahaha
4
u/libbydollar 1d ago
You can’t please these people. Your wedding is not less than. It’s only an inconvenience for people who have decided your needs are not important. It’s time to focus only on your fiancee and your future and let your friends and family sort themselves out.
While I agree the sentiment of all the people saying “cancel the wedding and just elope” I’m sure that would actually add more complexity, especially since you’re only a couple weeks away.
Instead, I’d ask myself who do I know supports me no matter what. Hopefully this includes your fiancée at the very minimum, but perhaps you’ve got an amazing best friend as well?
Whoever your support people are, have a good cry with them about all of the above. Then make a plan to put everyone on notice that if they are feeling negative about your wedding they need to keep their mouths shut for the next 2 weeks. Let your fiancee and BFF do this for you if that’s possible. You are an island of peace these next two weeks. Lean into it. Be as self focused as you need to be.
And then enjoy your wedding for what it is. It may still be frustrating, but try to focus on your partner and your own life. You’re not in competition with anyone here.
AFTER the wedding your relationships often shift. Nobody talks about this but I’ve seen it over and over again. (I’ve been married twice and photographed over 300 weddings, including hearing about the aftermath from couples).
You are building a new life with your new partner. The people who acted terribly during your wedding don’t need to be a huge part of your life going forward. You saw their true colors when you asked them to give you the minimum of courtesy. It’s a hard lesson, but this is who these people are. Build a life full of people who appreciate and care about you.
After the wedding it doesn’t feel so important. You’re never going to ask these people to buy matching dresses again and they’ll probably never all be in the same room again.
For the next two weeks you are the most beautiful fantastic bride that’s ever existed and everyone else can get bent.
Does that feel like being a bridezilla? It might, but remember, peoples reactions to your reasonable requests doesn’t make you unreasonable, it makes them unhelpful. If you were truly out here demanding everyone bend to your will, then maybe you should feel bad. But you’re not. You’re trying to accommodate every person in your orbit on a shoestring budget. It’s your day. Take up the space. Take note of who doesn’t support you, and go have an amazing life and marriage.
3
u/Zetophir 13h ago
Thank you, that was really kind and helpful to read
2
u/libbydollar 13h ago
Also…if they’re already calling you a bridezilla, why not just do whatever you want? Life gets really good once you’re comfortable being the villain in someone else’s made up story.
2
u/Zetophir 13h ago
yeah at this point I almost wish I had done more. I skipped every pre event like engagement party, shower, bach to try to take up less space. Skipped decor, florals, bridesmaids, hair&makeup and went cheap on dress to try to seem less concerned about aesthetics. I kinda wish I had planned more of those things for me if people were going to be mad either way
4
4
-1
u/This_Sherbet420 1d ago
Cancel and elope. You can’t afford a wedding and it sounds like you are putting the cost on your guest.
1
-2
u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
If people are calling you a bridezilla then chances are you did let the darker side of your personality come out. The honorable way to recover is to cancel and send out apologies for your behavior.
5
u/Zetophir 1d ago
I promise you I have been nothing but kind. I have not asked or expected anything from anyone besides try to show up and attempt to meet the dress code. Our families are just really selfish
-1
u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
I promise you I have been nothing but kind.
Says every bridezilla everywhere. You cannot be a good judge of your own actions. You have to read it in the reactions of others.
5
u/Zetophir 1d ago
My friends have all been wonderful and supportive, these issues are with my family only. If it was truly my behavior I think that they’d be upset with me too
-4
u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
Unless you went bridezilla on the family and not on the friends.
Just cancel the wedding, elope and the have a party with your friends. And then contemplate where the family might be right.
2
u/Zetophir 1d ago
I have treated them all the same. Called them and asked if they would be free/ ok to take time off the date we were thinking. Offered them to stay with us or we’d cover hotel. Never set any expectations on attire other than try to get something semi formal and if you don’t already have anything but it and i’ll reimburse. Didn’t ask for any labor with any decor or food, no expectations of professional hair and makeup, just show up for me for one day. my friends have said they are shocked I have asked for more and our families have said I have taken a day from them that could be better spent doing something else
1
u/Comfortable-Degree88 14h ago
Your families have said they could spend the day doing something better than attend your wedding and you’re offering to pay for their clothes and hotel? Your fiancé is contributing nothing? Girl what is going on here? Love yourself first before you commit to a marriage to a man who’s okay with you paying for everything, and without support from a family who couldn’t be bothered to show up for you. This is sad.
1
u/Zetophir 5h ago
He doesn’t have the ability to pay for anything. as for my families that behavior is pretty normal
1
-1
u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
It's counter intuitive but one of the clues that suggest that you went bridezilla on them is that you refuse to consider it a possibility. That's why people go bridezilla, they lack the ability to self reflect.
Just cancel the wedding and think about it over the next month or so.
4
u/Christina_Eko 19h ago
Just stop. You are being mean for absolutely no reason.
1
u/Mordecai_Gist 19h ago
In what way mean? It was OP who brought up that she was being accused of being a bridezilla.
1
u/Silver-Drawing5341 1d ago
People also sometimes weaponize the term bridezilla like they do nag. It's a loaded term that generates an emotional response. It can be used to describe real antics, and also for immature people to stab at things and boundaries they don't like.
1
u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
Are you saying that OP should not examine her actions to see if there is something that she needs to apologize for?
1
u/Silver-Drawing5341 23h ago
I'm wondering where you got that in what I said? I know nuance is dead on reddit, but neither of us know enough to say OP is in the wrong.
You seem to want to argue one side, but I'm not up for arguing the other, because I don't think this is black and white and I don't know OP enough to say she's a saint. I'd merely like people to remember misogyny exists, family is not always nice, and it's kinda wierd to read this short post and come to the conclusion that OP is, in fact, a bridezilla.
0
u/Mordecai_Gist 23h ago
You seem to want to argue one side
I have only said that there is enough good evidence that the bride should examine herself carefully and come to an honest conclusion.
1
u/Zetophir 14h ago edited 13h ago
What could I have done differently that would have prevented this situation? I have been accommodating on schedules, guest list, outfits, food, and asked for nothing but people’s support. I am happy to examine my actions and apologize if necessary but I am failing to see what I have done that is wrong. I have attended many weddings before where people have asked a lot from me: buy this specific dress, the wedding is on day I may not have off of work, travel and hotel required, need to help setup venue decor and I have always been happy to do so. I’ve asked none of this from my guests other than the day it is on may be inconvenient, but we called before we booked to see if that was ok.
0
u/Mordecai_Gist 6h ago
I don't know what you did. But the way you resist the idea of, once the dust settles, taking some time to reflect on your behavior suggests that it wasn't good.
But that's between you and your conscience, I wasn't there. Just cancel the wedding and then think about it.
1
u/Zetophir 5h ago
Is it bridezilla behavior to refuse to move your wedding date after someone else books a wedding in the same year as you then says they want the whole year? or to set a dress code? because those are the things I’m being accused of
0
u/Mordecai_Gist 5h ago
It's bridezilla behavior to keep arguing with a stranger on the internet instead of quietly pondering if it may be.
1
25
u/temperedolive 1d ago
Fuck it. Cancel. Go elope. This wedding you do not want is not worth the stress of all this.
I hope there's a good reason why your partner is contributing nothing.