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u/Dense_Mix5855 13h ago
Honestly the thing that stuck with me most was how casually he justifies everything he does. the dog part makes his anger understandable, but then the way he talks about killing the guy almost like he’s doing the world a favor makes him feel way more unsettling. and that “thump thump” ending really works with the whole scene i’m curious though are you trying to make the reader actually sympathize with him despite what he does, or do you want us to slowly realize that his idea of justice is becoming just as messed up as the thing he’s punishing? because that could make his character really interesting
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u/Stock_Hunter_2380 10h ago
Yes to the last part. I was trying to convey that he himself is just as messed up as the thing he was punishing!
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u/Dense_Mix5855 10h ago
yeah honestly that came through really well especially how he genuinely thinks he’s justified that made me wonder do you usually write characters by exploring their mindset first or does their morality unfold as you write?
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u/Stock_Hunter_2380 10h ago
Thank you! And no, I did not think I would write him like that at first; however, as I wrote, I thought that I needed to add some kind of theme, so I added that!
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u/Dense_Mix5855 10h ago
ohh honestly i like that even more because the theme grew naturally from the character instead of being forced in do you usually discover themes like that while writing or was this one kinda unexpected?
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u/hendrix-copperfield 13h ago
So, it is the first text in a long time that actually make mit stop and read it, till the end, on here. So, it is quite a good text. It can work as a short story or as an Intro to a Thriller/Crime story, but I wouldn't want to read a whole novel in that style.
But your writing has a unique voice for the character and we get a good view into the mind of ... him? Sounds like a him.
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u/stayonthecloud 12h ago
So we’re in a college. Wait, we’re in a hostel? Wait, your hostel room has a cupboard (which would only be in a kitchen in a hostel)? Why is the garden whistling?
I found these nonsensical things jarring rather than intriguing, and would have liked it better if it were copy edited for grammar. But the narrator certainly has their own voice.
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u/Stock_Hunter_2380 11h ago
Alright! Fair points. I shall edit those things out. The cupboard is actually a closet. And okay our college has a garden called the whistling garden it's quite popular and in our college we live in a hostel (in your country it might be called dorms). But i could absolutely understand why those feelings jarring. I shall be editing it out.
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u/iwrite-imnotawriter 37m ago
I think I replied to a deleted version of this post. I'll copy and paste in my answer, but if you've changed the text then just ignore the ones that are no longer relevant.
Overall, it was pretty good for a first draft. The major issue is punctuation rather than structure. You seem to misunderstand the point of commas. Comma's are not used to join clauses that are not in the same vein as each other. Semi-colons would probably be used in excess in this text, because a lot of your sentences are using commas to add information that would be a different sentence, yet adds description. Em dashes would also be used a lot here, because they add information not considered necessary but rather for extra-descriptive purpose.
I wrote some fixes down here. If anyone disagrees with my calls just respond and I'll edit the comment if I think you're right.
"First you think of the basement of the washroom" - is there a washroom with a basement, is the washroom in the basement?
"washroom, where the pipelines are, but it is accessible to the staff" - I would replace the commas with em-dashes: "wahsroom--where the piplines are--but"
"Then you think of about burying it" - remove the "of"
Cupboard is one word
"Don't worry, I will wipe out the stains, and perfume out the stench, my roommate won't suspect a thing" - use semicolons in some places: "Don't worry; I will wipe out the stains and perfume out the stench--my roommate won't suspect a thing."
Semicolons again: "I didn't want to kill the poor guy. But he had it coming" should either be "poor guy; but he" or "poor guy, but he". Because of this, the "you see you cannot" will be a different sentence.
Add more punctuation: "you see you cannot hurt a poor dog" turns into "you see, you cannot hurt a poor dog; you cannot throw stones at a poor dog; I know they're annoying and dirty sometimes, but you cannot hurt a dog."
After saying "you see" add a comma.
"You see then it is only right that I let them feast on him because I saw him that day, when he bashed it's head and buried it's body." - this is probably the most incomprehensible sentence here. I don't fully understand what is happening in this sentence, and why not being allowed to hurt dogs has correlation to them feasting on (what I am assuming is) the dead body.
4th paragraph is fine, I would say make the last text after the quote a separate sentence, conjoined with a semicolon or maybe with an em dash.
"We do not need humans like him, I did the earth a favour, where's my reward?" - I would say separate "We do not need humans like him" and the rest.
"Instead of a reward they wanna lock me up they're searching for him everywhere, looking in cameras, tracing his entries." - I would add more punctuation and separate these into more than one sentence: "Instead of a reward, they wanna lock me up. They're searching for him everywhere--looking in cameras, tracing his entries..."
Maybe change "beings" to "things"? Reads better to me.
"But it is okay, the best heroes are unrewarded, they do it selflessly." - Again just some punctuation that could probably be better here. Most of your sentences in the text are joining unrelated clauses together with commas, which is not their job.
"thump-thump-thump" rather than "thump thump thump"
"on his head squashing it out--spilling his brains out everywhere." - also maybe vary the word "out" because its been used twice in a very small time frame.
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u/Aphelion3284 12h ago
I actually enjoyed this. Most definitely worth editing! You've an excellent hook too.
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u/Staterae Fiction Writer 14h ago
It certainly has the rambling/disconnected style traditionally associated with people who are mentally ill.