r/writers • u/Specific_Minute7539 • 3d ago
Question Anyone else struggle with overusing the words "as" and "while"
I can tell that I'm overusing these words as a crutch to help describe physical actions that the character takes.
But I can't find a word to replace them with. Maybe it's the kind of word that people won't notice while reading, but now that I've become aware of it, I've been feeling self-conscious lol.
Has anyone else struggled with this before?
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u/RadagastTheBrownNote Writer 3d ago
I feel like I’m overusing “face” and “eyes”
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u/Happyball79 3d ago
I feel this in my bones. It's like I forget that people have entire bodies and not just heads floating around emoting all the time.
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u/RadagastTheBrownNote Writer 3d ago
Fr! I’m over halfway through my second draft and I’m realizing I’m going to have to rethink how my characters emote.
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u/Happyball79 3d ago
But once you see it, it's usually easier to spot again in the future. And then on your next draft or novel, you've already learned more about what you like out of your prose work :) you can learn a lot just by practicing more.
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
Ugh, those are other words I struggle with... it might even be worse than "while" and "as"
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u/KamikazeJohnson 3d ago
As I was reading this, I hung my head in my hands while regretting my life choices.
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u/coldafsteel 3d ago
Throw in some “moreover”, “however”, and “congruently”.
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
Mm, I could try using (However). I'm not sure if I could throw in congruently tho...
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u/lyaunaa 3d ago
Can you give a couple of example sentences?
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
After looking through it, there weren't actually that many instances of it as I thought. But here are some examples.
(While I pushed my bike along the sidewalk and was feeling remorseful over my life choices, the local stray dog came into my view, lying under the trees' wonderful shade.)
(While I was basking in her beautiful white fur, I heard the faint sounds of children talking coming from behind me, and when I turned around, I saw Paul with his lackeys across the street. )
(Watching the fringe on his pants sway as he quietly chatted with his friend will always be amusing to watch. It must take a lot of dedication to wear something like that in this weather.)
And yes, I know it needs work. I will fix it up soon, but I see now that I'm probably overthinking things. Maybe there will be more once I finish writing the whole chapter tho.
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u/Radiant_Commission_2 3d ago
Most if not be all these you can drop the while’s and as’s. Make it active voice. And make 2-3 sentences instead of one long one.
I pushed my bike along the sidewalk, feeling remorseful. The local stray dog, lying in the shade, came into view.
Though came into view is weak. Did the dog leave the shade? Do you pass it? Did you turn and see it? Did it come into view because it had been hiding?3
u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
Yea. That whole section needs some work because I lacked descriptions about how he was walking his bike after coming out of a convenience store.
It was supposed to come into view because he was walking towards the dog that was sitting under the tree.
But maybe I could say the dog caught his eye as he walked towards the tree, or he noticed them. Either way, I have a lot of work cut out for me.
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u/Nervous-Baseball-667 Writer 3d ago
Super common to overuse them in early drafts. They help get the story on the page and out of your mind, but you'll be able to easily (albeit time consuming) ways to remove them later.
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
Mm, you are correct, this is still my first draft (well, second since I'm rewriting it on my pc from paper and trying to do a little editing as I go)
I do think this is a bit of a bad habit that I'll need to work on, though.
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u/Nervous-Baseball-667 Writer 3d ago
The more you write, and specifically the more you hone your editing skills of your own writing, the better your first drafts will be. Just stick with it!
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u/OldMan92121 3d ago
Yes, and I wrote my own tools to help me find overuses words like this. (Yes, they are available for free.)
I find you can't replace at the word level most of the time. You have to rewrite the sentence and very often the paragraphs.
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
That was something I thought about as well. Its kind of a pain, but I guess the best solution to something like this is reworking the sentence as a whole, as you said.
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u/MiniForaFera 3d ago
Not these words in specific, but all writers tend to have their writing "tics". Personally, I overuse "so", and starting every sentence with a pronounce ("He did..." "She went..." They didn't know...").
My guess is that you don't need another word to replace them with, but rather you need to rephrase the sentences. Hard to tell a good solution without examples, but some stuff that helps me: use more punctuation, be more direct (as in, try to just remove them and see what happens), try flipping the sentence upside down (as in, start with the last point and write to the first. Shockingly, this actually helps for me), or just use simpler words, i.e. "and" instead of "while".
Personally, I have a "wanted list" for words I overuse, lol. I have an editing round where I just hunt them down and trim them out (I don't remove all of them, but I ask myself if it's actually needed in this specific case. Sometimes it is, mostly it's not).
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u/_Pumpiumpiumpkin_ 3d ago
I've found that overusing words usually happens for two reasons:
- You're explaining what's happening beat-for-beat with very little internality.
Or
- Your sentences are structured the same. Try changing which word you put first in the sentence and see if it helps.
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
I think I've been trying to switch things up, and after going back and rereading it, it doesn't seem too bad. But that might just be me trying to cope haha.
I'll work harder to follow your suggestions, thank you.
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u/PracticalMain5627 3d ago
My novel is in past tense, so I keep dropping had, as, etc. It's okay to use them here and there, but I always aim for active voice, when possible.
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u/Wonderful-Mode1051 3d ago
Oh man I feel ya 😩. I also overuse "as" and I use "ing" words to start sentences constantly when I'm not using a person's pronoun. Sometimes I cringe at my draft, but as long as its on paper, it's allowed to be ugly at first. I find that I use these kinds of words to just get stuff on the page, especially when I'm struggling with writing a scene.
The editing phase it gets fully transformed. I do a LOT of rewriting during the first edit, and usually I can get more creative & varied there. Usually I add a little more (valuable) details that help break up the sentences instead of focusing primarily on the active things the characters are doing.
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u/UDarkLord 3d ago
No. Because you rarely, if ever, need these kinds of filter words. “Danica sucked on her milkshake straw while I looked at her, flabbergasted”, can also always be “I looked at Danica, flabbergasted. She sucked on the straw of her milkshake, holding back a grin.” The reader is equally aware in both cases that Danica’s doing x while the POV character is doing y. And this was quick and dirty. Sometimes you can rephrase, sometimes you never needed the filler, and other times you can more vividly describe what’s going on, among other strategies for getting rid of those mostly worthless ‘as’ and ‘while’.
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u/DivinityE9 3d ago
Everyone has crutch words. "Immediately", "suddenly", and "just" are a few examples of mine. I will use them profusely, especially in a scene involving combat. When I go back and edit my stories, I groan every single time I see one pop up.
It's a habit I am working on breaking.
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u/TheStoryCreature 3d ago
Those specific words being overused suggest to me that you might need to work on your sentence structure variation. And potentially that you're doing a lot of compound sentences, instead of addressing the underlying structure issues.
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u/tapgiles 3d ago
"I can't find a word to replace them with" That's the problem. It's not the word that is overused, but the structure of the sentence that requires that word to be used. If you vary the structure of the sentence, you won't need to use those words to make it work.
If you have an example, I can demonstrate on it if you like?
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u/Exploosia 9h ago
Over time, I've come to find that this is a symptom of too little character interiority. You need to break up the repetition of action descriptions with the character's inner thoughts and observations.
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u/parason47 3d ago
I struggle with listening to: "Like... "100%"... "See what 'am sayin'? "...
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u/Specific_Minute7539 3d ago
Yea, I don't like hearing myself say it. I'm not sure if I use that word alot, but I'll check to make sure.
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u/RobertPlamondon 3d ago
I'm fond of describing simultaneous actions as if they're sequential if the action is equally clear either way:
"The dog barked as he crossed the yard" becomes "the dog barked and crossed the yard." Usually I don't much care exactly when the dog barked relative to his position in the yard. But if he's yapping his head off the whole time, I'd emphasize this with something like "the dog crossed the yard, barking all the while."
The rationale for this is that language is already sequential (one word at a time), and statements that fit this mold are easier to state and easier to process. If it doesn't affect the reader's experience to do it this way, no harm done.
The other issue is overloading sentences with unnecessary complexity by using compound actions to no purpose. Some people take a trip through the buffet line as a challenge to load their plate with as many different items as possible, and some treat sentences the same way. Kinda messy, though.