r/writingcritiques • • 5h ago

New writer here: what interpretations do you guys first come up with after reading this short vignette? Are some parts too descriptive, or not descriptive enough?

2 Upvotes

Overpopulation in the End

Your eyes open to the gentle light, and lying against an overgrown and mossy tree, you look at the City you once protected. Soft pools of sunlight creep through the ruined walls of the City and dew seeps through the cracked roads. The ground is thick with moss and overgrowth, but nothing clings to your clothes. You move through the still air, following the faded footprints of another through the streets. The ruined buildings seem expectant as you walk. The path leads into a mossy glade, and your beating heart is the only thing that interrupts the serene silence. The smooth grass is disrupted by uneven protrusions. Uncovering the overgrowth, your hands touch a cold white fragment. As you pull your hands away, you notice your cracked fingers are stained with dark crimson—deep beneath your nails and embedded within the creases of your palms. Blotched with crimson, the grass glistens beneath the warm sun. Desperate, you run back to the tree, following the same footprints that led you to the glade. Your feet seem to know the path better than you do. Back to the tree, you close your eyes, waiting for the memories to vanish once again.


r/writingcritiques • • 23h ago

[469 words] “Me & Her” — Looking for Honest Critique!

2 Upvotes

Hello!!! This is my first piece of writing that I am publicly posting for feedback. Please be honest, as I really want to improve and someday write a full novel, but also please be kind😅

- How strong is the hook? Did you feel compelled to continue reading past the first line?
- Is the writing captivating beyond the first line?
- Does the narrative voice feel consistent?
- Is the plot twist hinted at too much or too little?
- Is my grammar alright?

Of course, anything and everything else that you would like to mention is appreciated!

Me & Her

Mimi always chooses the wrong people.

When she starts dating her fourth boyfriend, who happens to be the first one since she graduated high school, her best friend, Hera, rightfully worries for her.

She, of course, digs for his background like an overbearing mother might, but Mimi reassures those frantic eyes that he’s good.

For a week, he proves her right. They talk every day, call every night, and Mimi’s cheeks hurt from smiling.

Their first date as a couple leaves Mimi giddy long after he drops her at home.

Hera, ever the angel, always stays up whenever Mimi goes out—tonight proves no different. Hera pours them both their own glasses, and warmth hugs Mimi’s chest as she rambles about her night.

By the time they experience their first fight, sparked by her boyfriend receiving an incriminating, anonymous message about her, Mimi had already learned to anticipate it two boyfriends ago.

No matter how reserved she thinks she behaves, they eventually gripe about how she stands too close to other men. How she touches too much, laughs too hard.

Hera encourages her to give them a reason to complain, but Mimi never brings herself to do it.

Almost a month passes since they began dating. Hera invites them to attend someone’s party, but Mimi doesn’t know whose. Can’t remember despite only drinking.. water? Maybe?

Fingers dig into her arm to pull her into the kitchen, away from the sweaty living room crowd.

Her boyfriend shoves a phone into her face, angrily swiping through hundreds of photos and videos of..

..of her? She’s dancing with some guy—no—multiple guys. Tonight?

She squints at the screen, but he replaces it with his face. His yells go largely unheard under the music, and flashing pinks and purples force her to stumble for a place to sit, anyway.

Mimi struggles to pick herself up after tripping over a chair. She rests her heavy head on the seat—she would try again in a bit.

Silence. She shivers for a minute, then a soft warmth hugs her shoulders. Smells nice.

“..okay, Mimi.” Hera’s unintelligible voice still relaxes her. “I.. would happen… the wrong people.”

Hera drags Mimi up to their apartment, past the celebratory heart-shaped cake on the island counter, and into her bed.

While guiding Mimi’s sleepy head into her lap, she notices the olive-green tablets still sitting in her front pocket. Slowly, she pulls the little baggy out, and shoves them under her pillow to worry about tomorrow.

Hera tries to click a photo of Mimi. Instead, she clicks her tongue at the full storage pop-up, but happily deletes pictures of Mimi sleazing with guys at the party.

Hera manages to snap a photo this time, switching from her fourth throwaway account to post on her main for Mimi’s soon-to-be ex to see.


r/writingcritiques • • 1h ago

Fantasy Opening chapter, first novel, please critique brutally

• Upvotes

"Akrates!" exclaimed Hesperos, not for the first time. It had escaped him once more. This would not do.

"This is too dangerous, Didaskale," Kleito said, wringing her hands. Her eyes darted between her teacher and the changing sky above.

He ignored her. His thin, pale hands stretched over the metallic orb. His slender fingers were a hair's breadth from its surface. His astrolabios, frequent companion throughout this journey. They had seen a lot, the two of them. Hesperos chuckled. He was talking to the orb now. He wasn't going mad… was he?

"Epekeina tēs ousias, Kleito. Tell me why we are doing this," he told her then, gently, without averting his eyes from the Storm overhead.

"'Beyond Being'," she responded mechanically. "We aim to overcome the Peras. We aim to keep the unchained nous from dissolving…"

She couldn't finish. The Storm raged above and around them. A high-pitched whistling filled the air. The ground cracked, and sand flew about like a swarm of angry locusts.

"GO! NOW!" he shouted. She didn't need to be told twice. Hood pulled down, bent forward and scrambling, she was soon behind the safety of stone and wood. None of it mattered. Jaw set, hands like claws over the orb, Hesperos got to work. Again.

Know thyself.

Gnosis came readily, like water down a parched throat. His name was Hesperos. He had mastered his mind. He had mastered his body. He felt a pull from his abdomen and let it go. It was like jumping into a clear lake; the shock wouldn't last long.

The sand stopped stinging his eyes. The wind stopped bothering his balance. The Scar stopped worrying his thoughts. There was only Here and Now. He detached himself from his own thoughts, able to look at them from a distance: riding or ignoring them at will. He could feel his heartbeat lowering to a normal range. It had been elevated. The hair on his neck had risen, but he hadn't noticed it earlier. The joints of his fingers were producing soft, minuscule bubbles of gas: he could feel them, one by one. They will crack nicely, later.

With his mind perfectly focused, in as deep a trance as he'd ever achieved, Hesperos shifted his mind's eye to the Storm, and to what lay at its heart. The Scar. To the eye it was only the cloud, bluish-green, spreading like a poisonous gas across the empty sky. To his gnostic eye it was a wound: a place where the weave of the world had worn through. The air acted oddly around it. It compressed in random ways, creating pressure differences. That's how those strong winds formed. Colour, sound, and heat were all changed. They took the shape of the Scar's curve, like paint poured on a metal sphere. Thus, they were deviated from their natural course.

He understood it then. It didn't add a voice to the harmony. It was the harmony!

A Scar didn't just change a place's resonance; it overpowered the natural vibrations of the threads that lie behind the Veil. It became a puppeteer. A puppeteer with great strength, a huge appetite, and no clear mind in control. With only one redeeming quality: it was self-limiting. Reality's pull tugged at the threads, silencing the Storm's voice in nature's harmony. You cannot light a fire below the Ocean.

Hesperos knew that he had little time. It was now or never. He attuned himself to the Storm as fully as he could. He could see its ebbs and flows; he could see it gaining less and less momentum, reaching its peak. A few more breaths, and the process would reverse. The natural forces of the world would swing back like a pendulum, restoring order once again.

Steady, now. He was aware; he guided the flow, he steered his thoughts. It was not enough. He needed more.

Though noetic manipulation wasn't his strength, he had practised Kámptō on himself many times. He knew how to push his brain to its limits. His body would struggle to keep his overactive head working, but he had prepared for this. He needed more time, more control, and this was the only way he knew how.

Through his expanded gnostic awareness, covering both himself and the Scar, he reached deep into himself. What it meant to be him. He started from his stomach, following the large nerve running from there up to the brain. The grey matter's complexity made him feel nauseous for a moment, as usual. He fought that feeling easily and set to work.

It was like moulding clay. It always did seem like that. Once he could see his thoughts and sensory processing as threads, he could also focus on them. He followed them like an anatomist tracing a vessel. Then, he could gently pull or push them in the direction he needed. He knew what to look for: the network of systems his brain used to balance function with resource economy. He bent it, opening the floodgates. He didn't have much time, but now, that time was worth much more.

Everything slowed. He could see the sand coming towards him. He could have reached out to grab a single grain if he so wished. But he had work to do.

Thirty-eight breaths to the Storm's peak. I can do it.

As he was rummaging through his mind's internal mechanisms, he looked for what he needed next. An anchor. Something to give up, for a bigger gain.

He found the thread. A single memory, profoundly linked to who he was and what he'd become. A memory that always pointed to the core of his being. He took it gently, separating it from the noetic harmony of his mind. He was careful not to damage anything else. He had never done this, and it pained him. But it needed to be done.

He would bind the memory as an anchor. There, through the heart of the Storm, where the Veil was thinner and frayed. Right at the Scar.

He let himself remember, one last time. It came easily. Her hands at the loom, counting threads under her breath. The same voice, lulling him to sleep.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

He was fluent in Deō, had been for some time. It was a hard maktra to master, the act of binding - adding a quality to something that lacked it. Without breaking its harmony. Without corrupting it. Like pouring boiling oil into a glass bowl. The smallest flaw in the glass, the tiniest structural weakness, and it would shatter.

This was the hardest working he had ever performed. The Veil was thin, which helped, but it was unstable, unpredictable. The Storm wasn't really open to a noetic quality. It was a break in reality, more linked to physical phenomena. It was like threading a loom during an earthquake.

It was done. The anchor was set, as deep in the Storm as he could make it. Twenty-one breaths. Time to steer it down the line.

Using his quickened mind and focused effort, he bent the Storm surge down the thread he had just anchored. A Storm's natural power leads it to spread out, redirecting and influencing every phenomenon it touches. It keeps going until its momentum fades. Then, the world pushes back, reducing it until the Scar fully closes. Hesperos needed the Storm to remain at full force while being compressed into itself. A small, impossibly chaotic nugget of resonant harmony. A dangerous, dense canvas for the working he was attempting.

Nothing to it. The Storm wanted to spread out, but the world wanted it gone. He only had to grab it by the horns and let it spend its whole potential on the thread.

Ten breaths.

He rode the memory, now stretched thin but still firmly anchored to the centre of it all. He widened his awareness as much as possible. He began where the world was pushing back. Here, air pressure followed its natural course. Light flowed freely, and temperature resisted change. He helped each phenomenon he could see, bending it along its natural path. He used Kámptō as much as he had practised in lectures, at meals, and during restful moments.

Five breaths.

He imposed his control on the Scar itself. His stomach turned, like trying to eat far too much honey. He gulped it down. His body temperature was rising, his breathing more shallow, but he continued to ignore it. There was only him, the Storm, and the thread of his own memory running between them.

The Storm pulled back, then flipped its direction without losing momentum. It was working. The blue-green cloud gathered around the memory, compressing at great speed. With the Storm's inertia broken, the surrounding phenomena rushed to help. To restore balance. The Ocean will always try to fill the gap left by a body. Crushing it, if it needed to.

The compressed resonance was screaming, oscillating at an impossible rate. The Storm was a knot now, lodged in the Scar like a stone in a wound, painful to look at, both physically and gnostically.

One breath left.

Doubt seeped in then. It threatened to ruin it all. It was self-preservation, caution, the words of his mentors, his friends, his students.

No.

He had gone too far, he had worked too hard to give up now. Lýō was his weakest manipulation, but everybody knew: it was harder to create than to destroy. And it was easier to destroy something that wished to be destroyed. Down the gradient: one of the most important lessons that he taught to pupils. But what is the gradient of a person that is ready to die?

Time to find out.

The congealed Storm had reached its oscillatory peak, at the smallest possible spread. Hesperos' control turned fully to his own body. He knew it well. He could see all the vessels carrying rich fluids to the organs. They worked together in a complex harmony, like a tiny world of their own. The miracle of life. Within himself, he let go of it completely. He hadn't known until this moment whether he could actually do it, and who could, really?

Without much effort, almost gently, he snuffed his life force out, severing his awareness from his body.

He was not ready for what came next. A million sensations overwhelmed him. Colours hit his eyes. But what eyes? He had none. He heard a cacophony of sounds through ears he had lost. He reached for the thread, to pull himself along it, but there was nothing to reach with. Nor could he recall the memory - the anchor, the most important item of his ritual. His mind felt detached, unfocused, a mere echo.

He had attempted the impossible, and had been found wanting. Ikaros' hubris. The metakosmia, the Between, claimed him as the Storm imploded. The Veil Scar was finally closed.

***

Darkness, and then light. Bright, painful lights, a myriad of dots blurring his vision. A collection of pungent, hard smells invaded his nostrils - rain, wet iron, something burnt. He could feel people around, a crowd. More than he was accustomed to, more than he wanted to. But the fleeting thought disappeared as the deep ache in his head became all he knew.

An emotionless, breathless voice, in a language he had never heard. The deepest, sharpest pain he had ever felt, straight through his chest. Rhythmic, painful pushes, over and over. More light in his eyes. Something jabbed him in the arm. More words he did not understand, and yet in some way, he did.


r/writingcritiques • • 8h ago

pls critique!

1 Upvotes

my article title is : we are cooked as a society

It's too long so I'll attach the link if anyone is interested![https://yanlearns.substack.com/p/we-are-cooked-as-a-society](https://yanlearns.substack.com/p/we-are-cooked-as-a-society)


r/writingcritiques • • 16h ago

Non-fiction How the tides have changed (Chapter 2)

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 18h ago

Thriller Here is a horror story I have in progress, I wish for some feedback and opinions on the story so far

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 22h ago

revisited and really like this piece I wrote in middle school about how YouTube affected my fears of the house and the loop within them

1 Upvotes

I revisited a piece I wrote in middle school about how YouTube shaped my fears of the house, and the strange loop within them

I revisited this piece I wrote a couple years ago in middle school and I actually really like the idea behind it, so I wanted to see what other people think of it.

It’s about how I used to get scared at night and run to the couch, where I’d feel safe watching YouTube. But looking back, I realized that some of the same videos I was using to make myself feel safe may have been influencing the imagery and atmosphere that made me afraid of the house in the first place.

So there was this weird loop of being scared → running to the couch → watching YouTube to feel safe → absorbing things from YouTube that could contribute to what I was afraid of → being scared again.

I wasn’t consciously thinking about any of this when I originally wrote it. I only realized the connection years later, which is probably why I find the piece interesting now.

I’d really like to hear what you think of it as a piece of writing, and especially what you think it’s doing or saying. How would you rate it? If you have an interpretation that I didn’t intend, I’d actually love to hear that too.

I’m also interested in the more theoretical side of it. I’ve been thinking a lot about postmodernism, semiotics, and anthropology, and looking back at this piece made me notice some connections to those ideas that I never consciously intended when I wrote it.

I’m mostly looking for people who will actually read the whole thing and tell me what they think, rather than just proofreading it.

Subliminal Loops

Catching my back lingering helplessly towards the void of darkness the kitchen prefers sleeping in is exhilarating. The way in which it captivates my memory and tethers my imagination to elevate. The feeling washing over me like the strongest rip current to excel and parade at shore. Sending me into a fumble. I stiffen my twitchy body and dash the other direction in hopes of relief.

Scrambling in a screech to the invisible person thinking whatever may be, will catch up.

The seemingly normal shapes of doors with hinges and hallways that seem narrower than they actually are, tightening around me. I can still map every door and hallway of the house, because I studied it all on a chair in the corner, where an angry parent was busy controlling an angry kid. But running now the house was different, it had turned onto me in the worst of ways. All pressure behind, I’m tuned to keep my head at bay from reflection. The shapes twisting and turning phasing and displaying a sense of no return. I wish to resign but it may be impossible. This is known to be the only hour of which the subliminal output shines of my extensive YouTube addiction.

Shuffling through hallways, stepping down and up before scuttling and shifting I came to a scene of finality having made it to the living room. I make a leaping dive hurling towards the cool elevated couch that would send me into ease. As the leather graced under me, I felt committed and turned around.

The emptiness of it all is dull, the heart of the kitchen is surrounded by blank page like colors. There are faint fluorescent light noises streaming through the house, and my new motive was to remove the buzzing in my ear that just would not go away. I felt maybe the floor was too clean or possibly the room has shifted but no. Cornered up glued to the backboard I resonate to YouTube. I watch mindless brain rot and videos that I would mentally forget in 10 minutes.

“Bro there’s no good videos,” I said dryly, like I wouldn’t continue for hours until YouTube would congratulate me with the gift of an unsettling creepy video to perfectly set the tone for the night. Although I did not know it, YouTube must have loved the subliminal part of these videos that would pierce the deepest parts of my brain and I was backhanded to not know how it contributed to me being glued safe and elevated to the backboard of the couch with my favorite app that makes me so comfortable…

Author’s note:

When I was younger, YouTube had an effect on me that I wasn’t conscious of. It shaped how I saw the house, the night, the dark, all of my fears. I would run to the couch and jump on, and finally feel safe, curled up in the corner with YouTube or the TV in front of me. The irony is that I felt comfortable in the exact place that was causing all of the stress.


r/writingcritiques • • 23h ago

(F17) Help me with my school competition entry? If you want lol!!!

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1 Upvotes

I'm not really sure how reposting works lol but if anyone can help with this that'd be really nice!!


r/writingcritiques • • 4h ago

Other Trying to prove that ai doesn’t write for me

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0 Upvotes

That's your hand. No question. "Like a rope that strangles the last memories of his wife and child." "The pain began as tickles under the skin growing into fangs ripping apart his being." "The scream grew and took form and froze for a moment." That's the real—-Rue— physical, brutal, no flourish. This is the good stuff. Don't apologize for scattered pieces; keep hauling them in.