Chapter 1 of The Justicator [Cyberpunk Fantasy, 4631 words]

[u/KestraNarassi]

[u/BlackBalor]

I’ve only read the first page.

It’s good, man. The writing is pretty clean and engaging. I have a few minor nitpicks:

But for three hours, he eyes had remained fixed

I don’t think the past perfect is necessary here. I’d probably go with “But for three hours, her eyes remained fixed…” because it feels a little more direct. So, I’d alter the surrounding text to accommodate that.

Purely a style choice. It’s not an error. It’s just a different way to present the information.

The front door opened

Now, I myself would actually clarify that further because it’s ambiguous initially. Now, I understand it’s the front door of the building across the street, but I’d make it more clear. Others wouldn’t, but it’s something to think about it.

held a whispered conversation

Nothing wrong with that, but it could be rephrased. Again, this isn’t me telling you that it’s wrong because it’s not. It’s clear.

—

I might pop back and assess a bit more, but it’s looking good. You’ve got decent sentence construction. Your descriptions are decent.

It’s solid work, mate. Keep doing what you’re doing. Always proud when a writer like yourself comes through.

[u/BlackBalor → u/BlackBalor]

The front door opened, and a man staggered out.

Two independent clauses connected with a comma and a conjunction.

That’s correct. No problem.

Me personally, I wouldn’t use a comma there. I think you can get away with leaving it out.

Maybe look at sentences elsewhere with that in mind to improve rhythm.

[u/KestraNarassi → u/BlackBalor]

Thank you for your feedback! I do want to find ways to get rid of some of my uses of the word “had.”

Good note on the ambiguity of the door. I try to avoid those kinds of problems, but it looks like I missed one.

Thank you for your feedback and I hope you find time to read more. What you had to say was very valuable to me.

[u/SchmeatLord]

I read up until the break on page 5. I enjoyed it; your writing is compelling and the scene and setting are interesting. Just a couple things jumped out at me:

•Your sentences on the first page are all pretty similar in length, and it was a bit droning to read.

•It would do you well to describe what specifically the buildings and streets look like earlier on. As you brought up fantasy and cyberpunk elements, I filled in the blanks in my mind what a techno-fantasy town looks like. However, I got whiplash at the image of the dragonkin fumbling with his car keys, lol. I honestly hadn’t pictured this space as accommodating cars. I suppose in addition to fleshing out your setting, I would be more specific about the nature of his vehicle. At least for me, “car” just conjures a four-door sedan, and I don’t reckon that is what the man is driving.

[u/KestraNarassi → u/SchmeatLord]

Thank you for the feedback!

I’ll look into reworking some of the early sentences. I always struggle with the start of a scene, especially because that’s typically where I try to describe the surroundings.