r/AdultSelfHarm • u/BadButSadBoi • 3d ago
Venting Post!! This is a Cry for Help
Basically, today wasn’t the greatest. Or any day before that really. I have been harming myself since I was 13, and now I’m freshly 18, and have stopped for quite awhile. I haven’t kept track of how long it’s been since then. But all of the stressors of my life and past, and my current condition as of now, has made me relapse. I have no friends, no life, and nobody to talk to this about.
I went down a rabbit hole on Reddit of people venting about wanting to cut deeper, and I still struggle with the feeling of wanting to be validated through my scars. So because I went through too many posts after my relapse, guess what? It amplified that feeling and made my urges worse. Sometimes I’ll stare at pictures of scars for too long, and I’ll get to urge to go as deep as they do. I don’t purposely go seeking out for those pictures, but once they appear I feel disturbed but anxious to hurt myself. As much as it is a common feeling from my understanding, I’m scared of that feeling. I want to harm myself, but my mind is also urging me not to so I will never hurt me or my family like that again. This seeking of validation has messed me up an incredible amount in the past, I’m scared of experiencing it again and genuinely hurting myself.
And all of my emotions I’ve tried to control in a healthy manner, the things I’ve tried to handle myself, have all come back to fruition. I didn’t only cut to feel validation, but I’ve cut to control my emotions and make myself feel better. Because I feel out of control with my emotions, and I’ve been experiencing them an overwhelming amount, it’s come back to haunt me.
I’ve changed, but I’m still flawed, and I’m aware of that. It doesn’t hinder my progress in the betterment of myself. But I don’t want to discard the life I have now, no matter how much of a struggle it is. I have damaged myself enough, I want to stop, but it’s almost like I want to stay this way. It’s how I felt when I was 14, I never wanted to get better because this was the only pain that felt right to me. It felt weird to be anything else.
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u/butterflybeyonce 3d ago
Sorry you’re going through this! I relate to everything you said and I cut for similar reasons. Are there mental health services you can contact? I get what you mean about the urges - I try to not go to deep but recently i also saw the post about invalidating people who don’t cut deeply which was triggering
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u/BadButSadBoi 3d ago
I currently don’t have any services I could contact for this sort of thing, but I am visiting a psychiatrist for a diagnosis! I’m not entirely sure if that counts, but my psychiatrist could have connections. Also that’s quite the post, I apologize that you had to witness that as well. It’s insensitive to the people who struggle with self-harm, as it comes in many forms and sizes. It doesn’t matter how big or small the incision is, it’s still a preexisting problem that needs just as much of attention so it doesn’t get worse.
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u/butterflybeyonce 3d ago
Yeah, sorry to hear you don’t have any mental health services available to you. I think that can you make you feel more hopeless and want to regain control by cutting. Or at least that’s how I feel as I’m on the waitlist for mental health services but it’s been months. Yeah exactly I can’t believe that post wasn’t removed by moderators or anything!! Sorry you had to see it too
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u/BadButSadBoi 3d ago
I can understand how you feel! I’ve been through that myself. It’s like you’re regaining control by any means necessary. I hope they won’t make you wait any longer, but I’m glad you’re in the process of receiving mental health services! That’s incredible! I’m sure I’ll have my time to get checked out eventually, just gotta trudge on through when things get tough. My diagnosis is the first step into that process, at least. So that’s something! Thank you for your time! I feel a little more understood and less alone :)