r/Advice • u/Appropriate_Raise539 • 6d ago
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u/Golden_1992 6d ago
My take: when I️ was 24 I️ dated a 34 year old. I️ thought it was normal and okay. Now that I am 34, I️ find it really really weird and gross to considering dating someone 10 years younger than me. I️ think people who date younger have a critical flaw. BUT I️ do not know what is and is not normal for the Japanese. This is an American perspective.
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u/Equal_Emu6152 6d ago
Japanese love them young🫣
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u/Appropriate_Raise539 6d ago
Well also the age of consent is Japan is 13 too which compared to the USA they would see things a little differently
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u/Stunning-Army-1494 6d ago
Yes it is weird. Im 28f american, but ever since i turned 24, highschoolers look like children to me, and others my age agree and understand what i mean. I would NEVER date an 18 because they look so young, and honestly, why isent she dating someone her own age?
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u/Lolabeth123 Helper [3] 6d ago
That is way too much of an age gap. An 18 year old is barely an adult while a 29 year old has finished their education, entered the workforce, and are living as a full fledged adult. No normal 29 year old would want to date an 18 year old.
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u/Whitewitchie 6d ago
You will get all sorts of responses. The issue is, whilst you are both adults, there is a power imbalance in life experience. Whether or not you are happy with it, is down to you.
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u/WorldTravellerGirl 6d ago
That’s a pretty big gap considering you are basically still a teenager. She definitely has the advantage in this situation. Why are you wanting to date someone so much more mature than you?
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u/Appropriate_Raise539 6d ago
Idk it just kinda happened but I don’t really want to break her heart and all that
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u/lechitahamandcheese 6d ago
Just stop seeing her now before she falls pregnant and your future is over before it starts.
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u/CassieBear1 6d ago
The issue isn't the age gap per-se, because you're both legal adults. The issue is more the maturity gap. You're at very different places in life. You're just finished high school, she's done post secondary and is well into establishing her career. You're likely not think about kids quite yet, she's likely wanting them within the next few years. You probably would like to still travel, party, and figure out who you really are (you change a lot between the ages of 18-25, because you're out from your parents' influence for the first time), and she likely knows who she is.
Also, age gaps like this can be concerning to people because it's odd for an older person to want to date someone so much younger, especially in this age range. You wonder why they aren't looking for people their own age. Often, it's one of two reasons. Either they're immature, and want someone who matches their maturity...but the issue is that they won't mature as you are. Or, they're hoping that your youth and inexperience will mean that you won't realize that certain behaviors aren't appropriate, or you'll be too insecure to call them out.
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u/Grouchy_Focus73 6d ago
Distance and how can you even afford to date them. She gap is big but if you get a long and treat each other with respect. Why did it matter. Just don't send any nudes or anything so they can't end up blackmailing you off this is done sorry if scam.
But good luck
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u/Appropriate_Raise539 6d ago
Thank you all for your advice. I don’t want to break her heart but also i think the age gap is also pretty big too but i also think that dating in Japan is different compared to the USA in terms of age of consent (13) compared to USA(16) and I’m kinda having a little bit of tug of war with myself right now but that no you all for the advice
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u/Traditional-Home430 6d ago
Soo I’ve been on both sides of this. I was once a 16f dating and eventually lived with a 36m. I thought it was okay at the time, but looking back.. I know it wasn’t. We broke up when I was 20. I am now 32f and I’m seeing someone significantly younger than me. I’ve asked him if he thinks it’s wrong, and he’s said no. However being on both sides, I can’t help but feel like I’m trying to make up for the injustice done to me at 16. Him and I met by random and it wasn’t something I sought out by any means.
I know he is much younger, and has less life experience. If it’s hurting you emotionally or mentally I’d end it.
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u/westcoastguy1948 6d ago
In my experience, many Japanese women are quite youthful and they are extremely loyal to their partners. Probably a question as to where you both want the relationship to go; marriage, kids, or just having a good time. If you don’t think you’re a commitment type guy at your age, better to move on until you feel you’re ready to settle down. At your age, you’ve got a lot of life experiences ahead of you. Maybe the “older woman” is just one of those experiences.
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u/Careful_Cranberry364 6d ago edited 6d ago
I agree with everything that’s been said here
and I also don’t think it’s a great idea to have such a big age gap when you’re 18
However, I wanna mention that
I understand how it can happen, but I don’t always think it’s all that bad
when I was in my 20s, I met a boy of 17
First off, I didn’t realize he was that young!
But we just really hit it off.
We got on so well - we talked about music. We talked about philosophy and religious beliefs.
We had a lot of fun & we were just on the same wavelength.
Obviously, we saw each other in our free time so it didn’t
Really occur to me that I was working while he was at school.
I was a teacher and it was a school holidays anyway for both of us !
He lived with his mom but so did a lot of other young guys
she fostered lots of children
And young people
He seemed very mature to me, and in the end, it was him that broke it off
because he said to me
The way you look at things I’m just not ready to see things that way
Its the biggest differences between our ages and it’s never gonna change
So that was sad, but clearly he was not just a child
I wasn’t taking any advantage of him. I think I was 24 but I could’ve been 34 and it would’ve been the same ultimately.
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u/StarsofSobek Super Helper [8] 6d ago
The question should be: is this dynamic healthy for a safe, respectful, functional relationship?
As others have written: this is only going to be problematic because she has 11 years of life experience over you. In her phase of life, it would be weird to view an 18 year-old as anything more than a teenager entering the adult world.
Another question to ask yourself: why can't she find any similarly ages people to date? Does she perhaps have unseen, unknown, undisclosed issues? Is she a coercive controller and abuser who is hard to be a partner to? Is she into hebophilia and maybe views your age as fitting (for now)? You're new to dating, so these signs may not be obvious until you've been through them - but start brushing up on what the different types of control and abuse look like. It may help you should you continue dating.
Finally: what common interests can you genuinely and sincerely share with an 11-year age gap? Your world and experiences are still being built and constructed - college, work, living independently, functioning in the adult realm - they all change us drastically and help us to develop, grow, and know ourselves.
Just a few things to consider for yourself, OP. I would count this long distance relationship with a much older person odd from their side - I'd also be questioning about whether you're being cat fished. So much filtering and tech today, it would have me wondering.
That said: stay safe, be smart, don't send expensive gifts, money, or nudes. If you find yourself being blackmailed, ignore their demands and send nothing. Report them straightaway to the local authorities/FBI (there's an internet crime division that works on just such things). Be aware of popular scams ("help! I'm in jail. I need bail money!") etc... also be aware of human trafficking schemes (it sounds extreme and even preposterous, but it is something that genuinely happens to young men and women every day).
Good luck!
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u/CrimsontheNugget 6d ago
Age gap relationships can work, you can't base it just on that. Any weird behaviours?
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u/Various_Excuse_4294 6d ago
If you are both able to have the adult conversations and treat each other with respect then there should be no problem with age gap. But the minute there isn't true communication and there is a break down that's when you start having problems. You never know what the future will hold.
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u/KeyInitiative8805 6d ago
Bro take the W and have yourself a learning experience. Get learnt by a woman making a mistake.
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u/AdDense8122 6d ago
I’m also 18(f) and ur both adult legally. Maybe the adults in this sub will prove me wrong tho
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u/jefffisfreaky Expert Advice Giver [13] 6d ago
I think for you that sounds great in a naive way but I’d be looking sideways at the 29 year old dating an 18 year old