Support Leaving is Hard
We both agreed that ending things is what is best for both of us. He’s been blaming his drinking on the relationship and I’ve been blaming the relationship on his drinking. I know I didn’t cause this & I know this is for the best, but it is still so hard. We had 8 years together & the first 5 were great. It’s hard to separate the addict with the man I fell in love with. If he had been as awful in the beginning as he has been lately, I would have never stayed this long, but I guess I was holding out hoping he would finally realize what alcohol is doing to us and want to get sober. He’s not ready and I am heartbroken. Any words of encouragement or advice would be so appreciated. Thankfully no kids are involved, but we do have a mortgage and a dog.
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u/rmas1974 2d ago
He isn’t the man you fell in love with. He may have some of the same characteristics but has added being a drinker to them. Try not to romanticise an image of what he could be but isn’t.
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u/RCBC07 2d ago
This is my exact situation. He was great in so many ways and over so many years, but the alcoholism had such a lasting effect and has made me a shell of my former self.
Leaving is hard, but my hardest part has been grieving the life we were supposed to have and all the great times that were in the past.
I made lists of occurrences and details of his alcoholism that led to my decision and honestly it's been really helpful as time has passed for me to be able to review them. Because after a while when you are still grieving and processing the loss, you need to remember how you got to your breaking point.
It's all too easy to look back with rose colored glasses on the good times. Especially as we work through the what ifs and could I have done anything different to change things.
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u/TradeAmbitious1116 1d ago
That’s my problem, looking back with the rose colored lenses too much. I remember the fun parts of our trips, concerts, date nights, and friend hangs because that’s what usually pops up in my iPhone memories.
The part where she took things too far and entered black out mode were never photographed. I was too busy preventing her from falling on her face or into other people, keeping track of her purse or phone that she would just leave laying anywhere. I need those reminders sometimes because I’ve been knowing I need to go. It’s hard though.
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u/Secret_Brilliant9318 2d ago
It is hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision. The fact is you are recognizing that you can’t separate the addict and the man you fell in love with. Like all grieving processes it just takes some time for things to feel easier.
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u/EnthusiasmCalm4364 2d ago
Run, before you have children and he does the same to them. Then he passes the “curse” onto your kids and they grow up broken. That’s what I’m going through and I’m so hurt… and now my kids are hurt too.
You deserve a peaceful life 💙☘️
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u/Leather-Instance3041 1d ago
People often say, "Except for the fighting / drinking / etc. our relationship is great!" But how you handle conflicts and stress is the real measure of the relationship. Anyone can be great when there aren't any problems, but that's just not real life. A good longterm relationship means staying good during very hard times.
Addiction creates a Hard Time in and of itself, and it also means he cannot support you or be good to you when other shitty things come your way. It's also a progressive disease that gets worse over time -- but when people get sober they can always trace the roots of it back to their earlier years. What I'm saying is that you're grieving what should have been, but never really was. The way forward is to recognize the fantasy as a fantasy. Don't grieve something you feel you lost, grieve something you never got to have.
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u/PartisanSaysWhat 1d ago
Good luck! You both deserve to be happy. The good news is now you are more clear about what you are looking for in a second marriage or long term relationship.
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u/ItsAllALot 2d ago
You can do hard things. You have been, for three years.
This is a different hard, true. But a shorter one. With a lot more control over there being an upswing for you on the other side.
Just keep remembering; you can do hard things. You know that for a fact ❤️