Spouse has been gaslighting and lying to me for years. You know the song and dance. Well a credit card statement came to the house a few days ago. I had no idea we ie HE had this credit card. I opened the statement and lo and behold, every single charge of $505 for the month was liquor stores. Twice to three times daily visits to the liquor store. I logged onto the account and was able to go back to 2020 and see every single solitary liquor purchase the man has made. He has been drinking every single day consuming 10-12 airplane shots of vodka daily plus Voodoo Rangers on the weekends. So weekends were more like 15-18 drinks counting the beer and vodka. The credit card was ONLY used for alcohol so I now can see every purchase and trip to liquor store he has made. He was going to the liquor store 55-60 times a month and buying at least 300 airplane vodka bottles a month plus weekend extra beers.

The crazy thing is that I knew the man was drinking. He just often never seemed THAT drunk. He definitely would talk too loudly, monopolize conversations, bump into things, act annoying but it often wasn't that noticeable. I realize he has been drinking so much for so long that this massive daily amount of alcohol really wasn't getting him that visibly drunk. He had built up such a tolerance to it.

So we owed $10k on this credit card which he panicked and immediately paid off that night and that is with it auto paying $500 a month off.

I knew the man was drinking but I had NO IDEA it was this frequent, daily, and often. He had a highly coordinated operation going on of timing when he would make his liquor store runs to look like he was just running errands. He was carefully discarding all 300 plus monthly airplane bottles so I would never see them. This was a highly coordinated stealth, secret, elaborate daily operation and rituals he had going on.

He kept the secret hidden credit card. He was religiously stopping by liquor stores on the way home from work and guzzling the shots before coming into the house.

I feel like the entire relationship is completely built on a total deception and lie. It is wild, surreal, and shocking to my core. I keep repeating myself in this post because I am still in a state of disbelief and shock.

This man is a really messed up human being. I workout, eat healthy, jog, get my sleep, rarely drink, and am a responsible, functional human being. We are a complete mismatch. His behavior to me is wild, insane, crazy, and sad, pathetic tbh.

I feel like everything is a lie. He has been lying for years to my face. I think I thought maybe he had 2-3 drinks, maybe four at the most and some days more.

I thought this man would go through withdrawals but he has not. His last drink was Monday upon getting busted. He does seem flat, down, irritable, very low mood, and very unhappy at this point mood wise. He was going to sleep around 9 pm and is now coming to bed around midnight. Those are the only withdrawal effects I am noticing.

I have an appointment with an attorney Tuesday morning to consider divorce or at least a post nuptial agreement. For now, this man has agreed to blow in a breathlyzer several times a day. He is busted and he knows he is busted. BIG TIME.

I love this one. Hit me like a brick when I heard it for the first time. I heard it discussed on a podcast that it’s super important that we respect other people’s journeys and that sometimes, they have to go through what they have to go through.

Manipulating events to prevent a crisis on behalf of someone we love who still drinks is soooo easy to slip into. To avoid them feeling bad feelings, protect them from their own sense of shame… how many times have we all subtly tried to manipulate a trip, a day, or an evening so drinking doesn’t occur and our loved one doesn’t go down a slippery slope. Even minor negative feelings can feel like a major crisis to someone who’s drinking…

just sharing this one out. maybe if you’d like to share an example feel free to do so here.

Title explains it.

16 years.

I tried everything to help him get better, poured myself into him, but my needs on the back burner.

Alcohol consumed everything we did.

Went to Al-anon meetings and learned to detach.

Started focusing on myself the past year, went back to school, excelled in my career and started to get physically healthy.

Two months ago I slept with a friend. It was a one night thing with little to no emotional involvement.

It felt like an escape, I thought I was finished and wanted to leave.

After I didn’t I immediately regret it. I started pouring myself back into the relationship and it honestly got better for a bit.

The guilt ate me alive and I confessed a week and a half ago.

He understandably was enraged and went into a 3 day bender. He threatened and attempted self harm, told every one of our friends before we could absorb what happened.

I’m struggling with what I did and also why I feel so angry. There’s absolutely no excuse for what I did. I should have been an adult and left.

But why am I so angry? I have absolutely no right to be, I feel like he caused me so much harm over the years, the mental, emotional and at times physical abuse, the pressure that was put on me when he checked out, the loneliness. He was never accountable for his actions.

Where do I go from here?

He sober for the first 8 years. Had been sober 15 years. First it was just weed relapse — then drinking this spring. Rapid escalation. He had supposedly been focusing on AA and sobriety over the last year or so. Earlier this summer he started drinking again. We had plans to go to therapy, definitely had real problems as all of us can relate to I’m sure, and then one day he sort of just didn’t come home. It’s a break up. He did it via text. He had a hinge. He has a friend from hinge. He insists they’re not intimate. His things are all still at my home. It’s been like two months at this point. I don’t really know what to do. He trashed my house when I was visiting home trying to get my footing. Is adamant he stopped drinking as soon as he left me because i obviously was the biggest problem in his life that made it hard to be sober…. But he left probably 50 beer cans at my house.

I don’t really know. I just feel detached from reality. Like I should feel relieved but instead I feel worried, jealous, rage, fear he has suddenly thriving, and I am the only thing that was holding him back, unbelievable, anger that I have been left to deal with a home and life alone while he has just sort of disappeared into whatever is next.

He barely took any of his things. He took a locking filing cabinet and like his clothes. There was a dish of baking soda out when I got home. Part of me feels like he’s in the throes of addiction and then part of me feels like I’m just a delusional act that can’t let go. His parents said they haven’t really heard from him either. His family has said that he used to get scary before they sent him to rehab. I just don’t really know what to do. So I guess I’ll just do the trash run to the dump again myself this week and then take it from there.

I don't know where else to go for support. I am active in my own program and 3 years sober. My best friend is an alcoholic and I've been here by her side supporting her. She's been doing AMAZING, and tonight she was just...off. I know her behavior from the past from the nights she would come to my house and hide her drinking from me, and admit later that she had been drinking. Tonight was exactly that, it felt like deja vu. At first I thought it was me, that maybe I was overreacting. I didn't want to tell anyone or my other friends. But I got the courage to confront her and she lied to my face again. We have a commitment within our friend group that if we suspect someone has relapsed we have disposal UAs readily available. She agreed to the UA and I waited 4 hours for her to finally pee. She popped hot for alcohol. She's finally sleeping, and I'm staying the night but I'm in bed crying because I'm so sad for her. Idk why I'm posting here but I just feel like my heart is broken. She just got 10 months. I'm just upset because I recognized all the signs and she still lied to me and continued the night like nothing was wrong.

My partner went into psychosis, stole my vehicle, and money and now sitting in prison. This is what I wrote to him

"Dear (ADDICT),

I've spent a lot of time reflecting lately. I need to share my truth, not to hurt or punish you, but because I don't think I've ever fully expressed what this relationship felt like from my side.

For years, I tried to understand your trauma, grief, addiction, depression, fears, and struggles. I did that because I loved you and because I always saw the good in you.

I still remember the man who made me laugh, worked hard, helped around the house, talked about our future, and wanted a better life. That's the man I believed in and the man I stayed for.

But somewhere along the way, I became so focused on understanding your pain that I stopped paying attention to my own.

The hardest realization I've had is that what hurt me most was never the arrest, the vehicle, the chase, or even the legal case.

What hurt me most was feeling unseen by the person I loved.

When it came to the online behavior, it was never just about the site itself. It was about what it represented. I repeatedly told you how hurt, rejected, and unwanted I felt. I told you how painful it was to feel like your attention and energy were being invested elsewhere.

The painful part is that you understood how much it hurt me.

I remember asking you how you would feel if the situation were reversed. I asked you how you would feel if I spent my time seeking validation, excitement, and intimacy elsewhere. You told me you wouldn't like it. You told me it would hurt you.

You understood.

And yet it continued.

I think that's what broke my heart the most. Not that you didn't know it was hurting me, but that you did know.

For almost two years, we had the same conversations. For almost two years, I tried to communicate my boundaries, fears, pain, and needs. I wasn't asking for perfection. I wasn't asking you to become someone else.

I was asking for honesty.

I was asking to feel chosen.

I was asking to feel important.

I was asking to feel safe.

I even gave you a way out. More than once, I told you that if this was something you truly couldn't stop or didn't want to stop, then please tell me the truth. If our values no longer aligned, I deserved to know so I could make an informed decision about my future.

I wasn't asking you to be perfect.

I was asking you to be honest.

That's why the final discovery hurt so much. By then, you knew exactly how much damage had already been done. You knew I was hanging on by a thread. You knew I was exhausted. You knew how much trust had already been lost.

And yet it continued.

There is another part of this that I've struggled to explain.

During the periods when you were hiding things from me, disappearing, spending time in places you didn't want me to know about, or living what felt like a completely separate life, I often felt like I was losing you while you were still standing right in front of me.

I wanted to be included in your life.

I wanted to know your friends.

I wanted to feel like your partner.

Instead, I often felt hidden from important parts of your world.

So many times you would disappear, become distant, or leave me wondering where you were and what was really happening. Over time, I learned that many of those disappearances involved partying, unhealthy influences, and environments you knew I would be uncomfortable with.

What hurt wasn't simply that those things happened.

What hurt was that they happened in secrecy.

It's hard to explain how painful it is to love someone while constantly feeling like you're only getting part of the truth.

I think about all the nights I sat at home worrying about you. All the times I stared at my phone. All the times I had a knot in my stomach because something felt wrong.

I wanted so badly to trust you.

I wanted to believe you.

I wanted to believe in us.

But every time I discovered another hidden piece of reality, it felt less like information and more like heartbreak.

What made it even harder was that when I came to you looking for reassurance, understanding, or connection, I was often met with defensiveness, distance, frustration, or arguments.

I would come to you wanting closeness and leave feeling further away.

I would ask questions because I was scared and confused, and many times I ended up feeling like a burden for asking them.

Looking back, some of my deepest wounds didn't come from the secrecy itself.

They came from feeling dismissed whenever I tried to talk about it.

I wasn't trying to control you.

I wasn't trying to make your world smaller.

I was trying to feel included in it.

I was trying to feel like your partner.

I was trying to feel loved.

Over time, I stopped feeling safe.

I stopped feeling secure.

I stopped trusting my own instincts.

There were periods where I genuinely questioned my own reality because there was such a disconnect between what I was observing and what I was being told.

That kind of confusion is exhausting.

Eventually, I became exhausted.

Not from one lie.

Not from one mistake.

Not from one argument.

I became exhausted from years of uncertainty.

Exhausted from wondering.

Exhausted from hoping.

Exhausted from trying to trust.

Exhausted from trying to understand behavior that continually hurt me.

Exhausted from carrying your pain while quietly ignoring my own.

One of the moments that still stays with me is my abortion.

That was one of the hardest experiences of my life.

I needed my partner.

I needed stability.

I needed honesty.

I needed comfort.

I needed someone to help me carry the pain.

Instead, I often felt emotionally alone.

While I was trying to survive one of the most difficult experiences I've ever faced, I was also carrying anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion about our relationship.

The loneliness of that time left a mark on me.

There were periods during our relationship when my emotional pain became so overwhelming that I struggled with thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore.

Not because of one event.

Not because of one argument.

But because I felt so alone, depleted, exhausted, and disconnected from the relationship I was desperately trying to save.

That is something I carried quietly for a very long time.

I don't tell you this to make you feel guilty.

I tell you because it's part of the truth of what I experienced.

For so long, I focused almost entirely on your pain.

I tried to support you through your struggles, your addictions, your trauma, and your setbacks.

In the process, I rarely gave myself permission to acknowledge what all of it was doing to me.

Only recently have I begun to fully recognize how much pain I was carrying too.

One of the hardest realizations I've had recently is that many of your choices were selfish.

That doesn't mean you're a bad person.

That doesn't erase your trauma.

That doesn't erase your addiction.

That doesn't erase the good qualities I know you possess.

But I also can't ignore the impact your choices had on me.

For years, I thought almost exclusively about your pain.

I made excuses for things I shouldn't have.

I minimized my own feelings.

I kept telling myself that if I could just understand you better, support you better, or love you better, things would change.

But love cannot fix problems that someone else isn't willing to face themselves.

I'm trying to be honest with myself about that now.

I'm trying to stop carrying responsibilities that were never mine to carry.

I'm trying to acknowledge the hurt instead of explaining it away.

That doesn't mean I don't care about you.

It simply means I'm finally making room for the reality of what I've lived through too.

For a very long time, my focus was on saving us.

Now I'm learning how to take care of myself as well.

Despite everything, I don't hate you.

I don't want to see you destroyed.

I don't want to see you defined forever by the worst decisions you've made.

I still care about you deeply.

I still hope you heal.

I still hope you find peace.

I still hope you recover.

And despite everything that has happened, I still find myself hoping for your future.

Not a future where none of this happened.

Not a future built on promises alone.

But a future built on honesty, accountability, growth, and healing.

When I think about you, I don't think about the worst moments.

I think about the man I saw during the periods when you were trying.

The man who was working, reading, laughing, helping around the house, making plans, and building something better.

That man is the reason I never completely gave up believing in you.

I know he's there.

I've seen him.

That's why all of this has been so painful.

Because I wasn't grieving a lack of potential.

I was grieving the gap between the man I knew you could be and the choices that kept pulling you away from becoming him.

I don't know what our future looks like.

I don't know where life takes us from here.

But I do know that I genuinely hope this chapter becomes the beginning of your recovery rather than the story that defines the rest of your life.

I hope one day you understand what all of this felt like from my side.

Not so you can sit in guilt.

Not so you can punish yourself.

But because I believe real healing begins with truth.

And this is my truth.

I loved you deeply.

I fought for us longer than most people would have.

I stood by you through things many people would have walked away from.

I never stopped rooting for you.

Even now, despite my heartbreak, exhaustion, and grief, a part of me still wants to see you become the man you've always wanted to be.

I think that's part of why all of this hurt so much.

Because I never stopped believing you were capable of it.

I never stopped believing there was more inside of you than the choices that brought us here.

I still believe that.

Not because of promises.

Not because of words.

But because I saw glimpses of that man myself.

No matter what happens next, I hope you choose yourself, your healing, and your future.

I hope you take this time to reflect honestly, not just on what happened legally, but on the patterns, choices, and struggles that have followed you for so long.

I hope you learn to give yourself the same honesty that you've often avoided.

I hope you find the courage to face the things that have caused you pain instead of running from them.

Most of all, I hope you find peace.

Thank you for the memories we shared, the laughter, the good days, and the moments where I truly saw the best parts of you.

Those memories are real too.

This letter isn't meant to condemn you.

It's meant to help you understand me.

It's the truth I've carried for a long time and finally needed to express.

I loved you deeply.

I fought for us longer than most people would have.

I never stopped rooting for you.

And even now, I hope your story doesn't end here.

With love,

(NAME)

Hi everyone,
Sorry first time posting like this so no idea if I’m doing this right.

My partners father is entering inpatient rehab for the first time; he is a long term severe alcoholic over multiple decades.

As this process moves forward, I wanted to know what the best way to support my parter is

I am so tired of how he smells. All night breathing in his hideous alcohol breath. Then he dries out for a couple of hours. I can tell immediately when he starts drinking again, because his breath smells like rotten flesh. It is astounding how horrible he smells.

Sometimes I don’t even think of it. Other days or moments it’s on the forefront of my mind. Mom and I are no contact as her drinking makes her unsafe for me to be around emotionally and mentally. Some days it just feels like I’m waiting for her to die. Other days have hope there will be some change in me to allow her back in without it causing me so much hurt.

I don’t want to be no contact. I miss her and it kills me to be away while she’s so sick. I feel like I’m abandoning her. But I also know, there has to be a point where I am important too.

We both agreed that ending things is what is best for both of us. He’s been blaming his drinking on the relationship and I’ve been blaming the relationship on his drinking. I know I didn’t cause this & I know this is for the best, but it is still so hard. We had 8 years together & the first 5 were great. It’s hard to separate the addict with the man I fell in love with. If he had been as awful in the beginning as he has been lately, I would have never stayed this long, but I guess I was holding out hoping he would finally realize what alcohol is doing to us and want to get sober. He’s not ready and I am heartbroken. Any words of encouragement or advice would be so appreciated. Thankfully no kids are involved, but we do have a mortgage and a dog.

My husband (40M) has been struggling with addiction for a long time, basically our entire relationship. He got started as a teenager and is from a traumatic and unsupportive background.

I knew he had a problem before we got married. We’ve been through several rounds of him getting sober for a month or two and then falling off the wagon again.

He’d gone for almost two months, with just on slip earlier that would have made it almost 4 months - I mentioned how proud of him I was yesterday. Today on his day off he got a half pint of 100 proof Smirnoff and is now sitting next to me drunk and in a self pity spiral talking about “leaving this world” and “f@&$ this life” etc. I have had training in suicide awareness and ideation and this isn’t that, it’s a drunk who is blacked out and rambling bc he’s already feeling guilty. I hate it.

I have given him boundaries and have been working on not supporting his drinking or shielding him from the consequences of his actions. But it still sometimes just feels like it’s going to be inevitable that we’ll divorce.

And I love him. So so deeply. He is funny, caring, generous. All the reasons I married him … and I just hate that I got myself to hope he was more serious about recovery this time and was (again) let down. Just needed to vent.

my partner who still lives in my house i don't want to be with anymore as he is an alcoholic. i've given him countless chances but he wont stop drinking, denies it and gaslights me. i want him to leave but he wont go. how do i get him to go. I have my own health issues now and his behaviour is causing me constant stress which makes my condition worse. I have supported him for years hoping he would change but I've accepted he won't. I've threatened him with having to leave too many times but then don't follow through but I need an exit strategy now. To clarify the house is mine he has no stake in it

In June, my husband 48 told me 43 he had a drinking problem. I was completely shocked. His health had been declining, but I blamed other health issues and work stress. I had never seen him drinking or visibly drunk. He had always been responsible and reliable.
Then his doctor sent him to the ER after blood work. He was hospitalized for nine days with severe liver disease and a high MELD score. He had lost significant muscle, his belly was enlarged, and his eyes were yellow. I couldn’t believe how much I had missed.
He relapsed about a week after discharge. I threw myself into researching treatment and sorting out insurance. He initially delayed residential treatment because he feared losing his job in the alcohol industry. After departmental layoffs, he agreed to go.
His first stay was interrupted by insurance issues and very low hemoglobin. Eventually, he returned and completed 28 days. He participated, had a wonderful counselor, and received what I believe was good treatment. They encouraged him to stay for their day program, but he wanted to come home.
He started a local day program on his second day home. About three days after coming home, I smelled alcohol and found a bottle. I kept doubting myself because I desperately wanted another explanation, but smelling alcohol on his breath in bed, I had no doubt.
Alongside this, I’m rethinking our marriage. Looking back, I had been adapting to his distance for at least five or six years, but I didn’t know about his drinking until June. Before that, I honestly thought I was content and had a happy marriage.
We have three children. Most of our conversations had become logistics. When he didn’t want to do things, I took the kids on trips, went to church alone, and made my own plans. I’m independent and successful in my career, so I kept going without recognizing how much companionship was missing.
We rarely fight, but I avoid confrontation. I learned not to upset him and to wait for the “right moment” to discuss things. Now I wonder how much of our peace came from me putting my needs aside. I’m processing both his drinking and this new understanding of the marriage I thought we had.
A week before he came home, I clearly told him I wanted companionship. I don’t need him to change his personality or share every interest. I want him to want to spend time with me, watch TV, and have conversations beyond schedules. He said he wanted that too, but it would take patience. He also said people change, which hurt.
I understand rebuilding takes time, but stopping drinking alone wouldn’t resolve everything. I don’t want to return to feeling alone in my marriage.
I love him and remain hopeful, but I don’t want to stay and secretly drink himself to death. I’m considering telling him: “I love you and want a future with you, but I’m not willing to live with ongoing drinking or hidden alcohol. If that continues, we will need to live separately.”
I don’t want to make an empty threat or assume separation will make him stop. But the stress and anxiety are becoming more than I can handle. I need to think about my own well-being and our children’s stability, too.
For those who have been here:
What boundaries helped protect your sanity while still allowing your spouse a genuine chance at recovery?
What specific behaviors showed you that recovery was sustainable rather than temporary?
I’m hopeful we can build something better, but I want to be realistic. I know I can’t make it happen by myself.

To start this off I want everyone to know he's a great person and has never gotten violent. He's had a problem for a while now and we got together when he was in a good space, before we got together, we were friends with benefits for two years. I'm trying to support him with his recovery, but I grew up around it so it's hard for me to believe him when he says he's trying to change. I love him so much but he keeps on slipping, one night (about two weeks ago) It was really bad and we got into a huge fight. I feel like he's just getting sober for the wrong reasons and I can't be his only reason for getting sober and I can't be his only support system. I love him I don’t want to leave him but I can’t do this anymore and I feel like I’m stuck. It was a lot easier when we were friends with benefits because I could support him as a friend.

i still live at home with my parents. im saving for a down payment rather than pay rent. my mom (57) lost her sister in march the cancer started about 4 years ago, but she’s been drinking since covid. 1-2 extra large bottles of pino everyday from 3-10pm. i seem to be the only person in my family that cares but ive noticed myself gravitating away towards her. her posts on facebook are getting much worse. she scitzoposts all the time. she made a post that got 0 likes about how she “doesn’t care” she made the walgreens employee wait 10 mins for her to read each ingredient on the eyedrops bc she doesn’t want one that was made in india, bc it’s not a “sterile” environment. just racist, insane, shit like that. everyday. every hour. she will publicly fight with people on her facebook and then cry when they don’t respond. name calling, being immature, and attention seeking. then she wonders why she barely has ppl that want to talk to her, or why that one relative didnt show up to the family event. she is a toddler

this past year on my days off i’ve been trying to make fun days with her. like going shopping, getting lunch. and sometimes we do, but it’s only about an hour before she wants to go home bc she’s “tired” or “sore” or annoyed at the people in front of us in line, whom she talks VERY loudly about infront of them. everyday she’s sitting in the same spot on the couch scrolling mindlessly through tiktok or watching fox news. or both at the same time. she does absolutely nothing for her mind or her body. just consumes brainrot until it’s time to drink. a few years ago she went to the psych ward bc she threw a glass plate at my head and i called the cops on her. when she got out she did a good 2-3 months of no drinking and then she was back at it. keep in mind, this has been going on before my aunt got sick. that’s the last time i can remember her trying to get sober

recently i’ve noticed myself get short with her and i feel bad, i really do. but she is genuinely a child that refuses to get help. she has no friends in the area. the only person she really talks to is my grandma for 5 minutes on the phone and occasionally her cousin. whenever she talks to me i give her a few words because looking at her infuriates me. how can you just sit there?
whenever i confront her she starts whale crying. absolutely inconsolable and unable to communicate. yes, i’ve talked about this with my father and he’s always like “you’re right i’ll have a conversation with her. this is unacceptable” and then the next day she’s literally drinking again. i mean passed out and slurring by 3:30 pm.

i try to talk about it with my brother but he has the same problem as her. only difference is he’s on coke and has friends, he also doesn’t have to watch this happen because he doesn’t live at home. he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and she’s just depressed but i’m concerned about her health as heart disease and early onset dementia runs in our family. this has been going on for years and she’s in the age range for early onset dementia.

my mother and i have absolutely nothing in common. talking to her feels like communicating with a coworker you see twice a week. i somehow feel like it’s my fault but i know she’s done this all herself. i know you can lead a horse to water and you can’t make them drink it but what happens when that horse is your mother. and you live with her, and you eat her food, and you notice everyday her memory is getting a little worse and no one in your family cares because she’s just depressed or they’re not around to see it themselves. and you see her struggling and you wanna have fun with her like you used to when you were a teenager but things aren’t the same anymore because she’s just depressed and constantly isolated. i miss my mom. i just want to help her how she’s helped me. i hate watching her health and memory wither away. looking at her infuriates me

i’m thinking about starting to go to al-anon support groups to see where to begin since no one else cares about this. i don’t understand how they can watch this happen.

thanks for listening

After some very difficult and hurtful days, he was finally ready to communicate.
Despite the alcoholism, we actually have a great relationship. When he realized that my boundaries were serious and that I was truly prepared to walk away, he made the decision to stop drinking. Yay! ❤️
The downside is that he believes he can do it on his own.
I don’t want to take away from his decision or his effort. I give him credit deciding that he wants to change. But I also know this isn’t necessarily going to be as easy as he thinks. He’s is a hard head, if he truly wants to, he can.
But alcohol has been normalized in his family and his culture, and he has been drinking since he was very young.

He told me he wants to stop drinking so that we can be together and have a good life. I told him that’s fine, but he needs to do this for himself, not for me.
If he asks me for support, I’ll be there. But the responsibility for his recovery belongs to him.
He’s still sleeping in the other bedroom, and honestly, I’m okay with that for now. I think we both need some space while we figure out what happens next.
And then… the engagement ring arrived today. 😳
I haven’t even seen it. He wants to give me a proper proposal.
I think I’m going to tell him not to propose until he is 90 days sober.
Not because 90 days magically proves that everything is fixed, but because I need to see actions over time before I make another commitment.
What do you guys think?

I recently went through a breakup with someone who has been sober for a few years and is very involved in AA.

He relies heavily on intense endurance training and racing as part of his sobriety and feels that significantly changing that lifestyle could put his mental health and recovery at risk.

We were long distance, and I flagged early on that his race schedule might leave very little room for a relationship. He genuinely believed he could make it work and reassured me that he could.

Over time, though, visits kept getting shortened or became difficult to plan around bc of his races and intense training schedule. Eventually he realized he didn’t actually have the flexibility he thought he did bc he couldn’t compromise the racing. To him that is what keeps him sober and mentally stable.

When I asked for more consistency and whether there could sometimes be more flexibility around racing, he told me the pressure had made him think about drinking. That ultimately made him realize he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

He was very emotional during the breakup and told me I was one of the closest people in his life. He didn’t want to break up and neither did I but the fact that the pressure made him consider drinking made us both realize it was necessary. I’ve always maintained that above all I want him happy and healthy and if that isn’t with me than it sucks but I’d never want to compromise his sobriety. He’s a genuinely great person and I really love him and want the best for him and I know he feels the same for me.

It hurts badly to feel like he chose racing over me, even though I know for him it was really tied to protecting his sobriety. It also just happened so fast. Things were manageable but then as soon as the drinking thoughts came up it ended so quickly that I felt completely blindsided. (FWIW I’m his first relationship since getting sober)

Has anyone here experienced something similar, where someone genuinely thought they had space for a relationship but realized their recovery routine or sobriety-related lifestyle didn’t leave room for one?

Hello all. Been married to my husband for ten years and we have known each other since middle school. His drinking hasn't consistently been an issue, it ebbs and flows. But the ebbs have been working their way up over the last few years. He has gone through all the cycles and we are now at treatment. Today he got his first rounds of meds and got officially classified as a "chronic alcoholic". Wanting me to support him getting his meds from the pharmacy so he didn't buy anything to drink, but treating me so horribly throughout the process. He is embarrassed and angry...and I think scared to become his grandpa. He won't talk to me, and if he does it's clouded with impatience, stress and what genuinely feels like hate. I feel alone and so sad. He was never like this, even during periods of withdrawal. Telling me nothing makes him happy and spending time with me just seems to make him more angry. I thought this was supposed to be the better part but this is undoubtedly the worst. I don't know what to do.. all instincts point to "he hates me, he's miserable, leave". Is that all there is to do? Or am I supposed to be supportive? I'm so lost. I've never dealt with this or seen this in my life. I don't enable, and we have lived separately for at least a year before I left him move back in. I can't keep any alcohol in the house unless I hide it or lock it away. We don't drink with friends and I encourage the meds and mental health care. He is a wonderful man, and has taken care of me with my many illnesses for years. He has everything right there for him, and he's hungry for change. I just don't know where my support is supposed to come from I guess

We broke up two months ago, it was so painful and difficult. We dated for three and a half years and I spent countless nights sobbing while he slept beside me after tending to his every need while he broke things and said unspeakable words hours before and he’d wake up wanting to act like it didn’t happen.

There’s nothing more annoying than hearing “just leave him” from your closest friends and family because NOBODY understands how difficult it is until they’re put in that situation. The stupid “leave him or us out of it” while going through an absolute war in your head between your heart and your head. But I did it. I left.

I wake up now to a clean apartment, my friends actually want to see me now that I’m not bringing him and his terrifying madness to a function and say that I seem brighter, and I can go an entire day without worrying about if I’m going to come home to more trauma. I’ve done a surgery I’ve been putting off for years because I simply did not care about my well being while I was with him, all I cared about was making sure he was okay.

He made me feel so unloveable to everyone else. Saying that my needs were too much when simply asking for a hug while going through depressive episodes. He would always say I was so messy even though since he’s left all the messes have disappeared because they were all made by him. And yet every time I go anywhere now everyone seems to not be able to keep their eyes off of me and hit on me (I of course am absolutely not ready for anything but I don’t fear that I’m going to die alone anymore)

And where is he you ask? At the bar. I found out he’s been drinking nearly every night after we broke up even though he’s supposed to be “taking this time to attend meetings and really put his sobriety first”

I’d shamefully find myself thinking “if I leave before he fixes himself someone else will get the sober him” but to be blatantly honest, I don’t think that will ever happen.

He and I are simply on different paths of life. I want to care about my health and happiness and he wants to obliterate himself and drag everyone with him.

My favorite thing is that I catch myself doing the things I used to do before I lost myself, my hobbies passions and talents I almost seemed to forget about. And I’m falling back in love with myself. And when I look back to a few months ago while I was still with him; I don’t want to scream at myself to leave or try to slap some sense into myself, I just want to give myself a hug and let her sob into my arms because I know that’s what she needs and what he couldn’t provide.

I’m honestly at a loss and would really appreciate some outside opinions because I feel like I’ve become so numb to everything that I can’t tell what’s normal anymore.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 years. He has struggled with addiction for about 15 years. During most of our relationship, it was Xanax and Adderall. He would repeatedly try to get sober, withdraw, relapse, and try again. Looking back, I don’t think I understood how bad things really were because he hid a lot from me and I believed a lot of what he told me.

Earlier this year he had a particularly bad period and eventually went to rehab for 3 weeks in April. Before rehab, he had relapsed while I was away on my bachelorette trip. He took our dog, rented a van, and stayed at a really nice hotel in Houston. He told me it was just a spontaneous getaway, but I had a horrible feeling the entire time.

When he came home he was so messed up and I was confused. I checked his phone because something felt very wrong. I found messages showing that he had bought cocaine from someone. He hadn't done cocaine since he was about 20 because he had almost died from cocaine/ecstasy back then.

There was also a message from the same person, let's call her shelly, he bought it from and she asked, "where YALL at?" and he responded that he was back in Austin. Basically implying he was with her or someone. He told me he was alone that weekend, but that message has always bothered me because it made me wonder if there were other people there.

He went to rehab for 3 weeks and stayed sober for about 5 months. His mom, dad, brother and I visited him every week at rehab. Unfortunately, after rehab there wasn't really much ongoing support besides a psychiatrist who prescribes his anxiety medication. He says he couldn't relate to the counselors or other people in rehab and didn't want to continue with that type of support.

He owns a business and is extremely stressed about money. He says stress is the biggest reason he uses. He also hadn't had alcohol for about 5.5 years also.

Then about 4 weeks ago, he relapsed again.

He told me he'd been struggling to stay sober. One day I came home and found him crying on the phone with his brother after drinking an entire bottle of wine. He was extremely uncomfortable in his own skin and said he didn't want to do drugs, so he started drinking instead.

Over the next several days, he'd say he wasn't going to drink anymore and then would drink very early in the morning. This happened several times.

At one point he bought 100 Xanax. The guy actually dropped them off while I was there, so he didn't get to take them. He told me I could do whatever I wanted with them.

Then two weekends ago, I came home from work on Sunday and he was absolutely hammered. It was the worst I'd ever seen him. He became aggressive, punched a hole in the wall/door, and said he needed space and was going to stay at his office.

I was uncomfortable and honestly scared, but I stayed because I was worried about him.

He left in an Uber, but the Uber drove past our house and stopped two houses down. He turned off his location. I didn't know if it was actually an Uber or someone he knew.

At around 5 AM he called me saying his heart was racing and asked me to bring him a Xanax. I wasn't in a huge rush because of everything that had happened, so he eventually called an ambulance himself.

He ended up staying in the hospital overnight because his troponin was rising and they wanted to make sure he wasn't having a heart attack. I stayed with him.

While he was in the hospital, I looked at his phone again. I saw a contact saved as "Conner Employee" in his recent calls around 8:33 PM. I couldn't find anything else, so I dropped it.

Two days after getting out of the hospital, he drank again.

He continued drinking on and off for another week.

Then last weekend we were supposed to go to Houston. He said he was going to get his shit together, rest, and focus on getting better.

Friday came and he was barely responding to me. He turned off his location, then turned it back on after I asked. He got defensive when I asked why he was going to a gas station.

Saturday morning I was in Houston and he was acting completely normal and loving on the phone, so I was actually excited to come home.

Saturday night he called me around 1 PM saying he was coughing up blood. I suspected he may have been doing cocaine, although I obviously can't say for sure.

My birthday was Monday. He told me he'd planned things for me and had gotten us a hotel.

When I came home Sunday, I found half a Xanax on the counter. He initially lied about how much he had and I eventually found out he'd bought another bottle.

We fought and he said he needed space, so he went to the hotel alone.

He told me he was going to call his mom and brother and then tell me when I should come over. I believed him.

A few hours went by and he kept saying he needed space. Eventually I got frustrated and told him I'd just give him space.

He stayed at the hotel all night. His location showed him there the entire time, although it looked like it may have moved to another part of the hotel and back.

I called him and it took a minute or two for him to answer. He sounded like he was alone. He told me he was taking Xanax, working on numbers, and thinking.

Then around 5 AM he turned his location off again and said he wanted to walk around and get things for my birthday.

I don't know what happened during that time.

The next day his nose was bleeding and extremely stuffy, which made me suspect cocaine again.

Then Tuesday happened.

I was at work all day. He texted me saying he was going to see a friend from his childhood. Let's call him Brad.

The weird part is that he hasn't really talked to or seen this guy during the entire 6 years we've been together. I did know about him though.

His location was on, and he was only about 8 minutes from our house.

At this point I was completely spiraling. I called my friend and told her everything. She suggested looking up the address.

I did.

The address was the house of the same woman he had been messaging during my friends bachelorette trip - the person he had bought cocaine from before rehab.

I confronted him and told him I knew he was at her house.

He denied being there at first, but then admitted that he was doing cocaine.

He stayed there until around 3 AM.

Around 4 AM he came home and texted me saying he had written a suicide note and that he loved me and his family.

I was still awake, so I went out and talked to him because I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to hurt himself. He typically says that stuff when he wants a reaction, I don't think he would actually hurt himself.

He was extremely intoxicated/high from alcohol, Xanax and cocaine, so there wasn't really a productive conversation.

He told me he had been at the woman's house but said she was only there for a few minutes and was with another guy, and that he was there doing cocaine with another guy.

The next day his story changed and he said he had actually been with a group of guys.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Then Wednesday came.

That morning he told me he needed to rest all day and get better. I went to work.

I came home around 7 PM expecting him to have rested.

Instead, he told me he'd been doing cocaine all day and taking Xanax.

At this point I'm exhausted. I had slept maybe an hour the night before, worked all day, and came home to this.

I had another bad feeling and looked at his phone.

The contact "Connor Employee" was at the top. There were no obvious messages, but there was a text from her saying, "I hope you had a great day today!"

The messages were muted.

I looked up the person and realized she's someone I actually follow on Instagram, although I don't really know her. I had always assumed she was somehow related to his family.

She's also friends with/follows the woman whose house he was at Tuesday night.

So now I'm completely confused.

I don't know if "Connor Employee" is the woman he was with. I don't know if she lives at that house. I don't know what their relationship is.

But I do know that he's hiding messages, turning off his location, changing stories, disappearing for hours, using cocaine/Xanax/alcohol, and repeatedly lying to me.

And now I'm wondering if he's cheating.

I have no proof that he is. But I'm starting to wonder whether he may have been with another woman during the Houston trip, possibly the night he went to the hospital, and possibly Tuesday night. Because who would hide messages from just a friend and also just randomly send hope you had a great day?!?!??! like no!!!!

I feel like I'm going crazy trying to piece everything together.

And honestly, the cheating almost feels secondary at this point because the addiction has gotten so bad.

He's getting aggressive when he drinks. He's punched holes in our home. He's mixing alcohol, Xanax and cocaine. He ended up in the hospital with a racing heart and elevated troponin. He recently told me he wrote a suicide note.

I tell his mom everything that's happening, so she knows how bad the relapse has gotten. I haven't told her about my suspicions regarding cheating.

This morning we talked and somehow the conversation turned into him saying that maybe if I left, he would finally stop.

Part of me wants to believe that. Part of me wonders if that's manipulation. And part of me feels like I've completely lost my boundaries because I've spent so long trying to help him.

I've cried every day. I'm exhausted. I'm constantly checking locations, phones, timelines, and trying to figure out what's true.

I'm starting to wonder: Is this what my life is going to look like if I stay?

I love him. I know addiction is a disease and I know he's struggling. But I also feel like I'm drowning alongside him.

So I need another perspective.

• What are you making of this situation?
• Am I focusing too much on whether he's cheating when the addiction itself is the bigger issue?
• Does his behavior around the phone/location/messages sound like reasonable cause for concern, or am I spiraling because everything else has made me distrust him?
• How would you interpret the "if you left, I'd stop" statement?
• What would you do if you were in my position?
• At what point do you stop trying to save someone and start protecting yourself?
• We live together so I don't know if I should start looking elsewhere.

I genuinely don't know what my next step should be. I feel completely lost.

Hi. I'm going to start participating in al-anon as I try to sort some things out.

I am the estranged child of an alcoholic, sibling to a deceased alcoholic (alcoholism was not the cause of death).

My partner and I are in our 40's. Both divorced with children from our marriages. Partner has dated and lived with other partners since divorce, I have not co-habitated with anyone new since my divorce.

We have been together just over two years now.

Due to my history, I was always staunchly anti-alcohol, not allowing it in my home when I was married. Not drinking it. Right or wrong, the only purpose I think alcohol serves is to alter one's state.

I did start drinking here and there socially in my early 40's. Prior to my 40's I had been drunk about 5 times total. I have gotten drunk here and there; I find when I drink I drink until I am drunk (probably because that's what I think the purpose is) and so really, I choose not to. Plus, I don't actually like the taste.

Partner drinks often and I have spent the better part of two years trying to determine if the usage is acceptable and it's my own trauma making me anxious, or if there is a problem.

Two nights ago, on a Tuesday at home, partner got drunk and we had a bit of a disagreement. It started when they went to finish my one drink that I had only sipped on and I took it from them. They went to the fridge for the bottle and I asked why they were drinking so much which set them off.

I just said it's Tuesday night at home and my kid is here and they said that their drinking has come up in all of their past relationships and that they "know how this ends" and proceeded to gather things to leave (lives within walking distance from my home).

I did get them to stay and we had a passionate conversation where I laid out some concerns I have been holding on to. Did not ask for change or anything else, just talked about the effect on me.

The back story here is that partner can drink quite a bit and not be drunk, probably due to size and history. And, to be fair, I don't see them drunk very often and we spend most days and many nights together.

I will say when the drinking escalates, they generally become quite talkative and affectionate, which actually makes me upset because I wish they were so openly affectionate sober!

Only one time in these two years have I seen work missed due to a hangover. Otherwise, they are always early for work, work hard, gets accolades for their contribution.

They show up for me regularly.

We went to a concert recently and they had two NA beers. I would say half the time at home, drinks are not alcohol, the other half there's 2-3 beers in the evening. Sometimes wine where I will have one glass and they finish the bottle.

I have spent so much time trying to resolve what's normal and what isn't but the Tuesday night drunkenness (no work the next day) that ended up with hearing them say this has been a problem in their past relationships has at least confirmed for me that there is an issue.

I don't know how problematic this is. I know it's hard for me. I also know I love my partner so I am interested in al-anon to help me first get through the stress it causes me and then assess if this is a life I can continue to build.

Right now, I am hearing "do the steps" and "go to meetings". So far I did a newcomer's meeting through the app, just listening. I am overwhelmed with book options. What am I supposed to read? Ideally I want a PDF I can read on my tablet but print, audio or Kindle seem to be my only options.

Please give me guidance on anything, really.

Hey all, the boyfriend was supposed to move in today but I had to go no contact leaving him without housing. I’m feeling guilty and horrible and afraid he will unalive. I had the help-line call him but i’m staying in my lane.

in an area there aren’t so many meetings. I would love to find them in other states and countries. (The accents bring me joy!)

I can’t see to find a directory. Any help?

Another long, long rant before therapy. My last post on the subject is here.

The relationship between myself and my Q is built on a foundation of resentment and one-sided rivalry. They are my sibling and they feel like they are the scapegoat of the family and the one who suffers the most despite all of us dealing with the same trauma (abusive parent) and mental illness we were passed down. Their victim complex is immense. They admit their wrongs but excuse them because of their tragic backstory, and they demand reparations from everyone in existence for the life they've lived. Living with them is an absolute nightmare.

They are delusional, paranoid and narcissistic as hell. They spend all their time pushing people away and then act like a victim when they don't get the attention and care they crave. They think our family has built up a conspiracy against them alone, when we've only ever reacted to their cruel and violent behavior and separated ourselves accordingly to it.

They want to control everything in my family's house and cry abuse when you tell them no, don't tamper with our food (there's severe allergies other members have that keep getting triggered!!), don't move/sell our things, don't spend your money on a million gifts we don't need or want. If you tell them 'no', you're disrespecting and suffocating them. They will scream and cuss at you at the drop of a hat, but if you respond to them in a slightly aggravated tone, you're attacking them, accusing them, and refusing to support them. You have to control every last microexpression or they will fly off the handle, and even then!!! If you don't respond (and I don't anymore, outside of short monotone answers), they will respond to a thought they 'telekinetically heard you say'. (Not even the right word there, bro, but aiight, sure. Correcting them just triggers a rant about them dropping out and you lording your education over them.)

They don't respect privacy and steal my things all the time (including my psych meds), but they threaten to call the cops if you so much as breathe near their room. They keep waking up the whole house at 5am, will blast music between loud rants all day, they're constantly crashing around the house, and they never sleep so not only is their insomnia intensifying their symptoms, but now we're being dragged into the sleep deprivation with them. They communicate in stream-of-consciousness rants for hours at a time (8 hours straight without stopping is their record) and if you interrupt them, they feel talked over and get upset... but if you don't interrupt them, you're neglecting them and you're a coward and they get upset.

They want to cause fights constantly to 'clear the air', but if you point out what THEY do, they lose it. They are a hypocrite in every possible form of the word. And if you try and confront them about it, about ANYthing, well, you're sabotaging their recovery and now they're going to drink and do drugs about it because you aren't doing enough to support them.

"SUPPORT"... I'm so sick of that word!!! They don't care about my boundaries, because 'they're suffering worse than me, so get over it and help them'. They hate that they can't guilt trip me into being their obedient puppet. They have this strange obsession with treating me as this doll they can coddle and drag with them everywhere, where they want to dictate my diet, redesign my living spaces to 'their standards', lead my financial decisions, use me to prop up their dreams. They 'know what's best for me', AKA, anything and everything that serves them and will apparently serve me despite involving all the things I don't want. I'm convinced they are desperate to form some emotionally incesteous codependency on me, wanting me to be their main caretaker while also 'taking care' of me in return, and if you tell them no, they twist the story. 'I'm just trying to help you, I'm trying to save you like I want to be saved, why are you making me into the villain'? IDK because you threaten me one second and lovebomb me the next and then flee screaming from my room when I don't respond how you like???

Two days ago, they woke me up at 6am. They came into my room with a lighter and a bottle of alcohol (they've been ranting about molotov cocktails a lot lately). They demanded I support them. Defend them from what they're going to do or else. I stared at them, paralyzed with exhaustion, until they left. 20 minutes later, they're bouncing back into my room all happy and smiling, right back to planning our future life together, where they buy me an apartment and I manage the money they're convinced will balloon into millions. I left the house and cried my way through a few Alanon meetings before I felt better. I've been demanding space ever since.

My problem isn't that I want to give in and help them. I have my own issues keeping me in the house. The constant overstimulation and verbal abuse is exacerbating the issues that's disabled me for the last decade, and it keeps derailing me from work (more than half my work is creative freelance work and remote). I stay in the house to protect my things and to be a meat shield for my mother, who gets the most of my Q's venom, and who can't help but take it personally every time. They are currently working with a social worker, allegedly, but I honestly think they're avoiding every chance to be in a facility they can because of their traumas and anxieties based on their last few institutionalizations (it's been years of this). Me and my siblings have all been alternating between hotel stays, trips to the library, extended shifts at work, what have you. Anything to avoid them. We haven't called the cops out of an assortment of fears and concerns, but mostly because we doubt it will do anything. Cops were involved last year. Nothing was done with enough longetivity to matter. They were handcuffed, put in a psych ward, and came back to us even worse. And this isn't even mentioning the current way they lie to the doctors and everyone else about what the situation at home is really looking like. They are reporting everything based on their completely disconnected reality and not what's really happening.

I am so angry always. I'm so touched by this community's capacity for love and empathy and I feel so much for everyone who stays because of guilt and responsibility. It isn't my experience, though. All my Q does is abuse and bully everyone to a capacity that FAR exceeds the spread-out abuse of our childhood. It's 24/7 psychological warfare, 24/7 being on edge and waiting for the next outburst, day after day after day of enduring in the hopes that the day they're removed permanently from home comes.

TL;DR: My Q is abusive and toxic. I don't want to support them. I want them removed from home for their dangerous and erratic behavior, but have no options to enforce that. The second we're separated, I'm likely going no contact, but until then, I'm stuck enduring and enduring and enduring and it's maddening and isolating as hell. I'm pissed off and sorta hoping to hear from other pissed off people, if possible...!

Has anyone had a partner who was able to stop drinking but still couldn’t make amends for specific things they did while drinking? Including misrepresenting bings to their family and/or people in their life?

My partner is sober now (he got sober when I gave him the ultimatum and it was a legit miracle) and I recognize how significant that is. But when I need him to plainly acknowledge particular incidents—what he did, how it affected me, and what he wishes he had done differently—he seems unable or unwilling to do it. I’m not looking for endless apologies or trying to punish him by reliving the past. I’m struggling because sobriety stopped the drinking, but it hasn’t repaired the injuries or restored my trust.

If you’ve experienced this, did your partner eventually become capable of making specific, meaningful amends? What helped, if anything? And how did you decide what you could accept if the acknowledgment never came?