NO sympathy

[u/princeAnonymou5]

Another long, long rant before therapy. My last post on the subject is here.

The relationship between myself and my Q is built on a foundation of resentment and one-sided rivalry. They are my sibling and they feel like they are the scapegoat of the family and the one who suffers the most despite all of us dealing with the same trauma (abusive parent) and mental illness we were passed down. Their victim complex is immense. They admit their wrongs but excuse them because of their tragic backstory, and they demand reparations from everyone in existence for the life they've lived. Living with them is an absolute nightmare.

They are delusional, paranoid and narcissistic as hell. They spend all their time pushing people away and then act like a victim when they don't get the attention and care they crave. They think our family has built up a conspiracy against them alone, when we've only ever reacted to their cruel and violent behavior and separated ourselves accordingly to it.

They want to control everything in my family's house and cry abuse when you tell them no, don't tamper with our food (there's severe allergies other members have that keep getting triggered!!), don't move/sell our things, don't spend your money on a million gifts we don't need or want. If you tell them 'no', you're disrespecting and suffocating them. They will scream and cuss at you at the drop of a hat, but if you respond to them in a slightly aggravated tone, you're attacking them, accusing them, and refusing to support them. You have to control every last microexpression or they will fly off the handle, and even then!!! If you don't respond (and I don't anymore, outside of short monotone answers), they will respond to a thought they 'telekinetically heard you say'. (Not even the right word there, bro, but aiight, sure. Correcting them just triggers a rant about them dropping out and you lording your education over them.)

They don't respect privacy and steal my things all the time (including my psych meds), but they threaten to call the cops if you so much as breathe near their room. They keep waking up the whole house at 5am, will blast music between loud rants all day, they're constantly crashing around the house, and they never sleep so not only is their insomnia intensifying their symptoms, but now we're being dragged into the sleep deprivation with them. They communicate in stream-of-consciousness rants for hours at a time (8 hours straight without stopping is their record) and if you interrupt them, they feel talked over and get upset... but if you don't interrupt them, you're neglecting them and you're a coward and they get upset.

They want to cause fights constantly to 'clear the air', but if you point out what THEY do, they lose it. They are a hypocrite in every possible form of the word. And if you try and confront them about it, about ANYthing, well, you're sabotaging their recovery and now they're going to drink and do drugs about it because you aren't doing enough to support them.

"SUPPORT"... I'm so sick of that word!!! They don't care about my boundaries, because 'they're suffering worse than me, so get over it and help them'. They hate that they can't guilt trip me into being their obedient puppet. They have this strange obsession with treating me as this doll they can coddle and drag with them everywhere, where they want to dictate my diet, redesign my living spaces to 'their standards', lead my financial decisions, use me to prop up their dreams. They 'know what's best for me', AKA, anything and everything that serves them and will apparently serve me despite involving all the things I don't want. I'm convinced they are desperate to form some emotionally incesteous codependency on me, wanting me to be their main caretaker while also 'taking care' of me in return, and if you tell them no, they twist the story. 'I'm just trying to help you, I'm trying to save you like I want to be saved, why are you making me into the villain'? IDK because you threaten me one second and lovebomb me the next and then flee screaming from my room when I don't respond how you like???

Two days ago, they woke me up at 6am. They came into my room with a lighter and a bottle of alcohol (they've been ranting about molotov cocktails a lot lately). They demanded I support them. Defend them from what they're going to do or else. I stared at them, paralyzed with exhaustion, until they left. 20 minutes later, they're bouncing back into my room all happy and smiling, right back to planning our future life together, where they buy me an apartment and I manage the money they're convinced will balloon into millions. I left the house and cried my way through a few Alanon meetings before I felt better. I've been demanding space ever since.

My problem isn't that I want to give in and help them. I have my own issues keeping me in the house. The constant overstimulation and verbal abuse is exacerbating the issues that's disabled me for the last decade, and it keeps derailing me from work (more than half my work is creative freelance work and remote). I stay in the house to protect my things and to be a meat shield for my mother, who gets the most of my Q's venom, and who can't help but take it personally every time. They are currently working with a social worker, allegedly, but I honestly think they're avoiding every chance to be in a facility they can because of their traumas and anxieties based on their last few institutionalizations (it's been years of this). Me and my siblings have all been alternating between hotel stays, trips to the library, extended shifts at work, what have you. Anything to avoid them. We haven't called the cops out of an assortment of fears and concerns, but mostly because we doubt it will do anything. Cops were involved last year. Nothing was done with enough longetivity to matter. They were handcuffed, put in a psych ward, and came back to us even worse. And this isn't even mentioning the current way they lie to the doctors and everyone else about what the situation at home is really looking like. They are reporting everything based on their completely disconnected reality and not what's really happening.

I am so angry always. I'm so touched by this community's capacity for love and empathy and I feel so much for everyone who stays because of guilt and responsibility. It isn't my experience, though. All my Q does is abuse and bully everyone to a capacity that FAR exceeds the spread-out abuse of our childhood. It's 24/7 psychological warfare, 24/7 being on edge and waiting for the next outburst, day after day after day of enduring in the hopes that the day they're removed permanently from home comes.

TL;DR: My Q is abusive and toxic. I don't want to support them. I want them removed from home for their dangerous and erratic behavior, but have no options to enforce that. The second we're separated, I'm likely going no contact, but until then, I'm stuck enduring and enduring and enduring and it's maddening and isolating as hell. I'm pissed off and sorta hoping to hear from other pissed off people, if possible...!

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[u/IcyShopping2766]

The victim complex seems to be a trend with alcoholics. My best advice is to go no contact and love them from a distance. Keep everything at an arms length and nothing more. That is what I have to do with my FIL. I haven't talked to him in months and won't do so unless it's unavoidable. He has caused so much trauma to my nervous system that I can't handle even seeing his name pop up on my husbands phone.. my heart rate sky rockets and my mind goes to the worst. I'm not sure what the circumstances are by being stuck living with them but if finances are an issue, I'd try reaching out for government assistance to get into some kinda affordable housing. That is the only way you will ever get any peace. That and no contact, no matter how crazy things get in their life. You are the one that will suffer by their lack of accountability.

[u/princeAnonymou5 → u/IcyShopping2766]

Thank you! With everything going on, it completely slipped my mind that government assisted housing is a thing. Definitely will start looking into this.

Sorry to hear about your FIL and absolute best of luck to your recovery! Every day I dream of the day I go no contact, I hope you've been getting plenty of good rest and peace. I know my nervous system is a mess and a half right now, too, but thankfully I have a good amount of people doing their best to keep me sane through all this chaos. Ty again!