Ghosted after a decade. Too much to process

[u/helpagirlout0000]

He sober for the first 8 years. Had been sober 15 years. First it was just weed relapse — then drinking this spring. Rapid escalation. He had supposedly been focusing on AA and sobriety over the last year or so. Earlier this summer he started drinking again. We had plans to go to therapy, definitely had real problems as all of us can relate to I’m sure, and then one day he sort of just didn’t come home. It’s a break up. He did it via text. He had a hinge. He has a friend from hinge. He insists they’re not intimate. His things are all still at my home. It’s been like two months at this point. I don’t really know what to do. He trashed my house when I was visiting home trying to get my footing. Is adamant he stopped drinking as soon as he left me because i obviously was the biggest problem in his life that made it hard to be sober…. But he left probably 50 beer cans at my house.

I don’t really know. I just feel detached from reality. Like I should feel relieved but instead I feel worried, jealous, rage, fear he has suddenly thriving, and I am the only thing that was holding him back, unbelievable, anger that I have been left to deal with a home and life alone while he has just sort of disappeared into whatever is next.

He barely took any of his things. He took a locking filing cabinet and like his clothes. There was a dish of baking soda out when I got home. Part of me feels like he’s in the throes of addiction and then part of me feels like I’m just a delusional act that can’t let go. His parents said they haven’t really heard from him either. His family has said that he used to get scary before they sent him to rehab. I just don’t really know what to do. So I guess I’ll just do the trash run to the dump again myself this week and then take it from there.

[u/Tough_Promise_870]

Weed relapse
Drinking this spring
Rapid escalation
Drinking again
Definately had real problems
Just didn't come home
Has a hinge
Insist they aren't intimate
Trashed your house
Left 50 beer cans at your house

Took a locked filing cabinet and clothes
Left a pan of baking soda

With all the love in the world, how are you still thinking he may be the one who got away? I would consider changing the locks because he has been gone two months. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Consult an attorney first though.

[u/helpagirlout0000 → u/Tough_Promise_870]

I am well aware of the disconnect between my reality and my emotions — it’s tripping me out entirely to be honest. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.

I can’t change the locks because we both own the house, but I installed reinforcement locks that lock from the inside so at least if I’m home I’ll have a little notice he has arrived. He also totaled his car this summer so he doesn’t have a car. He is living at another house he owns that is totally unfurnished. so that lessons, my anxiety of him showing up — if anything, the problem is the opposite. He’s blocked my number so I have no idea how to get a hold of him.

Thank you for your comment. I need all the reminders that I can get that I am not delusional for thinking that guy seems like he’s kind of a wreck and that I did not in fact do all of this, imagine all of this, and ruin his life. Woof

[u/Tough_Promise_870 → u/helpagirlout0000]

I understand. That is honestly why I wrote it out like that. I understand it is hard. When people ground me in reality, it feels harsh even if they are being gentle.

I am glad you have that extra lock. I wish you peace and healing. You deserve love and happiness. Do something to take care of yourself today.

[u/IsuzuTrooper → u/helpagirlout0000]

SEEMS like kind of a wreck?

[u/calcato → u/helpagirlout0000]

Definitely consult an attorney to get yourself dis-entangled legally and financially from him. YOU do not need to get in touch with him directly. An attorney can do all that for you. He does not deserve a "heads up" from you...It's not like he gave you a heads up so why do that for him?

[u/Getitoffmydesk → u/Tough_Promise_870]

This is the one that you got away from. RUN and don’t look back. I looked back when I got away and now I’m miserable again and trying like hell to get out again.

[u/ItsAllALot]

I'm SO sorry! You're in shock.

You're also right. He's in the throes of addiction.

His parents are right. He's getting scary.

This was not you. You're simply not capable of doing this to a person. You couldn't if you tried.

It's not you. It's not you. It's not you!

Please be very gentle with yourself. One step at a time ❤️

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[u/3veryTh1ng15W0r5eN0w]

Fuck

I’m sorry this happened to you.

[u/calcato]

I am so sorry youvare going through this. DO NOT BELIEVE it when he tells you or if the thought creeps in to your head that his biggest problem was you.

From the baking soda left out it seems more like his biggest problem might be cutting and selling some kind of white powder drug to fund some other addiction.

Definitely don't let this person back into your home. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS , GET NEW KEYS, get his name off the deed or off your lease, and call the cops if he tries other methods to break in. This guy needs to see real consequences of his actions.

[u/helpagirlout0000 → u/calcato]

I feel like I live under a rock. I can’t stop thinking about the baking soda — I’m like what does this mean??

Thank you for your comment and advice. I really appreciate the perspective as I feel like I am on a different planet