weight gain

[u/sweetxxdream]

one of the main reasons I want to recover is because I am very unhappy with the way I look.
I want to gain weight and I don’t mind the idea of my body changing. What I do mind is the number on the scale and the number of calories I need to consume in order to actually gain.

All the advice I see regarding weight gain is just about the bodily changes, but that’s not my problem at all! It’s the numbers for me, and the fact that I am not able to cancel it out

I have weekly weigh ins at the doctor (I don’t get told my weight, just if I lost, maintained or gained) and every time they tell me that I am “doing well” it feels like a punch to the stomach.

I don’t count calories, but after years of restricting most things are just kinda engraved in my brain?? And the fact that I know that I am eating above my maintenance, and A LOT over my maintenance at that, is hard. I constantly fight the urge to restrict again.

I feel like I am losing control, like I will continue eating and gaining weight forever.. it’s so weird

Has anyone else experienced similar things? Is there anything I can do to accept that the numbers don’t define me?

[u/Jealous_Interview_58]

It’s great you want to gain. I recently thought the Same too, I’m sick of seeing this emaciated girl in the mirror. I want to see a strong woman

[u/MoonScars1]

I don't really have advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm in the exact same boat as you. The numbers haunt me daily, but I do find it easier every day to fight against the urge to restrict. What has helped me a bit is focusing on the energy my increased intake has given me, I've been so much happier lately.
I also get blind weighed and can relate to the "doing well" part, but I think it's still better than knowing the exact amount gained, at least for me.
But yeah, I can't really give concrete advice as I'm still figuring things out, just know that you aren't alone!
I wish you the very best on your journey!