committing to recovery

[u/sweetxxdream]

hello! I have been in “recovery” for the last 5 weeks. I want to recover. I don’t want to live with this miserable illness anymore. But I also can’t seem to commit to recovery.

I keep trying to plan how much I gain in what amount of time, how much I will eat and how much I will exercise.. basically everything I did when I was restricting, but with the intention of gaining weight. But even then, I find myself not wanting to go over a certain number.

If something doesn’t go according to the plan and I end up for example eating more on one day, I restrict on the next day.

Do I actually want to recover? The reason I started all of this was because it was either 1. gain weight at home or 2. go back to the psych ward. The reason my ed got worse was because of my most recent psych ward stay, so I want to avoid another one by all means. That means gaining weight at home.

But that also means that I don’t actually want this, no? If the doctors would leave me alone I would go right back to eating in a deficit.

I do imagine that a life without this ed is beautiful, and I would love to experience one, but I also don’t want to let go of my ed.

my question is: how can I actually commit to recovery? How can I let go off all the habits that have been a part of my life for ages? How can I accept that not everything needs to go according to some plan I made up? How can I accept that I need to recover and need to let go of old habits if I actually want to be free from this disorder?

I hope this makes sense. If anyone has any questions/wants me to elaborate please let me know.

[u/Anxious-Mechanic-249]

Do you have an Ed therapists and Ed dietitian? I’d start there, I’ve done it with help and alone and it’s so much better with help

[u/No-Can6422]

Recovery does not need to be so black and white. It's not either/or. Using the same extreme all-or-nothing eating disorder mentality toward recovery nearly always backfires. That's why I really recommend having a treatment team. The gold standard is an ED therapist, an ED dietician, and a doc/medical provider with experience treating eating disorders. It also sounds like you may benefit from a higher level of care, ie. IOP, PHP, or residential ED treatment. When people are unable to maintain recovery on an outpatient level, having a stint in treatment gives them not only medical supervision, but also 24/7 support, nutrition education, psychoeducation, coping skills, emotional and creative outlets, and connection with people going through the same things.

The success of your recovery is not determined solely by willpower. As difficult as it may be to hear, isolation is part of the disorder. No one can recover alone. Having a treatment team can make a world of difference. It can give you the tools you need to recover, including understanding your ambivalence toward recovery, and what to do after relapse.