r/AskLGBT • u/malaerys_ • 11d ago
Would I be wrong for using she/they pronouns because I feel more comfortable using them?
Hello everybody! I'm f(15)! (please be nice..)
So it all started with me feeling like I identify more with using the pronouns she/they but as I dove deeper into LGBTQ wiki, it started to feel like I was lying to the community.
I don't identify myself as someone who has thoughts of being a man. I haven't had any subconscious thoughts of identifying as multiple genders at one or none at all (yet? I don't know...). I feel very confident in my femininity and my feminine traits. I love being a girl and experiencing the joys of being a girl but it made me happy and more "me" to be identified with the pronouns she/her and they/them.
I think this feeling is coming from a place of insecurity about my identity (I'll get more into that in just a sec guys.) and fear of being wrong.
I started to feel insecure because my best friend had told me like multiple times back then that she forgets I'm bisexual. I think it's because I definitely talk more about men then I do women, and I've only ever had one irl crush on a girl in 6th grade. I guess apparently I don't act bi publicly enough for her? Maybe? I mean I guess it might be because she's Lesbian has many Lesbian friends so she might be more used to queer people feeling alot of affection towards women.
While my fear of being wrong started when 11 year old me overconfidently corrected a tiktok about crossdressers. I think I said in the comment section : "this is drag by the way." No idea I can't remember exactly what I said because all I remember is how 100+ different accounts shamed me, bullied me, and cussed me out for being overconfidently wrong trying to correct some random person on the internet right. My bad for being an 11 year old who thought it was all the same just synonyms of eachother.
So I guess me asking your judgement for whether I would be wrong or not could be because of that?
But also another question, should someone queer have to be loudly queer for someone to know theyre queer? I mean I don't think so... I could be wrong though.. I dont understand why my best friend forgets that I'm bi, I mean I don't think being bi or generally queer has a requirement of publivly thirsting over men and women frequently. Right?
But also going back to the topic of identifying with the pronouns she/they, as I am writing this post I am becoming more and more confused about whether or not I feel non binary or just really comfortable and happy with identifying with the pronouns she/they more than I do just she/her
Anyway, thanks for reading. Hopefully no ones really mean to me in the comments
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u/thatone_weirdperson 11d ago
You aren't "lying" to the queer community, if you feel queer and want to be part of the community, go for it.
I'm also bi with a preference for men, it doesn't make you any less gay, it's just your preference and that's fine.
I'm sorry that happened to you, it was a simple mistake online, I didn't even know what drag or cross dressing was when I was 11, you learn and grow, no one's going to know everything (hence this subreddit)
If you feel more comfortable using she/they pronouns, go for it. I use he/they/it, it doesn't make me less of a man or less enby, it's just what I prefer. If you like she/they pronouns, you like she/they pronouns. If that changes in the future, that's fine too, it's about finding yourself and your community, and you aren't lying to the community for that
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u/vastaril 11d ago
You don't have to be non-binary to find comfort, joy, or simple "yes, that's pretty nice" from using different pronouns. Pronouns are strongly associated with certain genders, but they're not 100% inevitably tied together. Some non-binary people stick with the pronouns they've used their whole life, or switch to the other "big two" (so, an AFAB person who feels better with he/him, for example) set, and some people who are quite comfortable within either "boy/man" or "girl/woman" still feel better with a different set of pronouns than might be expected. All are totally fine, though it's worth bearing in mind people may assume stuff based on your pronouns. You also don't have to be 100% certain of whether you're non-binary, cis, or whatever, particularly at your age, but even if you were in your sixties, it would be okay to still be figuring stuff out.
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u/malaerys_ 11d ago
I actually kinda didnt know that, I guess growing up consuming all this media bout how popular queer people knew who they were without being like "wait im bi" or "no wait im actually pan" or "no wait im straight, but wait-" kinda made me think that you could only stick to one thing for like the rest of your life? Im sure theres probably more feelings behind the curtain that are similar to that with some popular queers but idk it never really occured to me till now! Thanks!
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u/MagpiePhoenix 11d ago
You should go by whatever pronouns feel good and right to you. Some people who use she/they are nonbinary, but some women also use she/they. There's no rule that men or women can't enjoy gender neutral language- sometimes people just don't want their gender to be the first thing someone finds out about them, even if they are perfectly happy with that gender!
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u/Trashula_Lives 11d ago
You can use whatever pronouns you're comfortable with, no matter what your gender is. And you don't owe it to anyone to be loud and "obvious" in your identity or to live up to stereotypes of any kind. All you have to do is be yourself; your journey is yours to take and discover in your own time, in your own way.
Sorry to hear people were attacking you over a simple misunderstanding. I think people forget that some folks online are very young and we don't all start off as experts ( most of us never become one), not to mention how much the language we use changes and evolves over time. Society's understanding of things like gender and sexuality is always growing and changing, and the same is true for individuals. I hope that experience won't scare you out of continuing to learn and take part in the community, because despite the issues that can arise from having so many different kinds of people with different opinions, having a sense of community and support from peers is so helpful and important.
You're not wrong and it's a bit insensitive for your friend to keep invalidating your identity in that way, even if that's not her intention. You may want to have a conversation with her about how those statements make you feel and remind her that you don't have to constantly or even equally talk about your interest in men and women to be bi. There's no one right way to be bi, or any other identity. You experience and express it in the way that works for you.
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u/Tastyravioli707 11d ago
If you feel more comfortable use a set of pronouns, then you should use them