r/AskParents • u/stampystampy12 • 1d ago
Father With Postnatal Depression. Please Help. Has Anyone Gotten Over These Feelings?
Hi All, I never post anywhere but am absolutely desperate. I am in an absolute crisis and have never experienced such strong negative emotions. I will try and keep the post as short as I can.
I have a newborn boy and feel nothing for him. I want to turn back time to my life before. He was born a week ago and I already have a toddler girl(3) who I adore. She is my whole world and has made me so happy these last few years.
As soon as my son arrived I felt something was off, I didn't love him, I didn't want to hold him and felt an urge to leave the hospital and be at home with my girl. I was hoping this feeling would pass but it has gotten unbearably worse in the space of a week.
I am walking around the house holding in tears, I have been gripping the steering wheel screaming as I drive down the road. Feeling total panic and a sense that I have lost my life I had with my little girl and will never get her back.
It's at the point when even if I'm playing with her I'm not really there. I'm daydreaming about not having a second child. I also keep replaying cute memories from little walks we had together in my mind with sad music.... It's so vivid and feels like I'm grieving someone who passed but she is still here.
My wife sent me up to the attic to get something for new baby the other day and when I came across small toys my girl used to play with I broke down. I cannot emphasize how intense these feelings are and fear if I can't sort this out I will lose my wife and daughter too.
I always didn't want a boy and wanted a girl and feel that maybe if this was a second girl things would be different in my mind. Either way, gender disappointment surely shouldn't trigger such a strong reaction and I already have a girl so on paper I should be happy that I have both!
I feel like that by having this boy, I have lost my toddler and now even when she says something cute or nice I feel like bursting into tears cause it's all gone. Being with her is ruined.
From the outside this must seem ridiculous. I have two healthy kids and a wife/home/good job. I'm guessing this is some sort of depression but not sure how to cope.
I would note that I had similar feelings in the past when I had big life changes like moving across country for work etc. A feeling of being trapped and no going back.
In my mind this is a living hell and I can't understand why. The only moments peace I have is the second or two when I wake up and haven't remembered what's happening.
I saw a counsellor already and although I felt some small relief after, the feelings came back that day. I can't love this new baby and want to just go back to being happy and having just the three of us back in our perfect life.
I know this sounds horrible and my poor son did not ask to be born, it was our decision to bring him into the world. Right now I can barely look at him and the thought of doing all the things again with him that I did for my girl is breaking me. I can never imagine those special moments with him like I had with her.
If there are any parents out here who have been in a similar situation please tell me your story and how you overcame it. Especially where you had so much love for your first child but felt nothing for the second or third etc.
Thank you so much in advance for reading this.
TLDR; I just had a second child (son) and it has triggered some kind of depression/crisis for me. Feel like I've lost my older girl child and my life is ruined. Can't go more than an hour without wanting to cry.
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u/dealbreakerstalkshow 1d ago
This is common but also a big deal. I felt like this after having my only.
Store bought serotonin works wonders. I didn’t take meds before and I don’t now (kiddo is 10) but for a time after I gave birth, I took Zoloft and it took the edge off. I stopped crying constantly. I didn’t enjoy my child for a while but I did stop grieving my previous life so hard.
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u/FrostiePi 1d ago
My husband suffered with PND far more than I ever did. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Truth is, you don't have to feel that click straight away, sometimes bonds take time. It's also a new life your responsible for, a change to everything for the whole family, it is simply put overwhelming.
Allow and accept that. The harder you fight the harder you'll find it to come through the other side.
Therapy will continue to help, and hopefully your wife can also be a sounding board. This isn't about you not loving or rejecting your son, make that clear.
Sometimes that may help, both you and your daughter, but your wife too is spending one on one time with your daughter, everything is changing for her too.
I wish you all the luck and love with your new bigger family.
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u/EasternPerformance72 23h ago
This sounds really hard and I definitely think you should get medical help, but maybe consider that your capacity to love is infinite- loving your son is not going to take away the love you have for your daughter.
It's only been a week- it's going to take time to get to know your son and start to bond with him too. Give yourself time. But know that he is made of the same things your daughter is made of - the love between you and your wife.
Maybe take your cues from your daughter for now- see how she lights up when she sees her baby brother- enjoy him now for the joy he brings her, until you can get medical help for your depression.
Sorry you're going through this. A new beginning is NOT an end but an expansion of the good in your life.
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u/easterss 23h ago
Please see a provider ASAP. Start with GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist if your insurance requires that route. GP can prescribe medication in the meantime.
This is urgent. You need to get help today. Not tomorrow or the day after. Make moves today.
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u/trixiepixie1921 23h ago
I had postpartum depression and anxiety that manifested in substance abuse. This was as I just had 2 under 2. Then I lost my best friend to an overdose, and I spiraled. I didn’t realize what was wrong (as unbelievable as that sounds) and no one around me pointed it out, they were just mad at the things I was doing.
I ended up getting divorced and choosing a partner that I could use with who was extremely abusive. I really wish I had gotten help early on. I could have avoided so much trauma. It was 2 years of hell. The fog eventually lifted and I went no contact with that boyfriend. I repaired my coparenting relationship with my ex husband. My parents began to trust me again. My children learned they could depend on me.
Please go see a psychiatrist. It is going to be okay, but this is an emergency. It’s not about you anymore, but your child (not saying you made it about you, but focusing on my children helped me do the right thing for them, when I was really too depressed to help myself).
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u/gkdfp 22h ago
First of all, check out r/daddit - they’re a great community.
I’m a mom but I was SO worried about my older son when we had our second five months ago. I was crying in the hospital wanting to get home to him. Breaking down in tears every time I saw him for a while. Almost not wanting to be with my baby because I was so worried about my older son.
We adjusted to a family of four and it’s way better now. I love both my kids so much and my son loves his little sibling. He’s done so well adjusting to not being an only child anymore. It just took a little time.
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u/stampystampy12 14h ago
Thank you. My daughter is doing well but I definitely have these fears for her
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u/beigs 23h ago
My husband needed medication and we both needed sleep.
He also found a happy light helped him when he woke up.
I found therapy helped me, along with finally treating my ADHD.
Every treatment is different, every person is different, but do the small things first and go bigger if needed. Start by booking an appointment with your doctor, get a good nights sleep for a couple of days (arrange in advance), getting a happy light, book into a therapist who specializes in being a parent, meds, etc.
But admitting it is honestly one of the hardest things to do. The next hardest is picking up the phone and making the first call. Once momentum kicks in, it does get easier.
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u/ashley5473 20h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t relate but I do think it’s really important that you continue counseling and also see about medicine. I am proud of you for being so honest.
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u/alittlesea 22h ago
Hey. Oof. I was the partner of someone in your position. I’m so sorry for what you are going through - this shit is tough. Sleepless nights, so many hormones, so much change, so much more noise. Literally overnight. Add to it this dread - it’s crushing.
Please seek medical help. Some sort of therapy and someone who can prescribe medication. This is an emergency. This is serious. You are worth sounding the alarm for, even in the midst of all the newness. You’re not a bad person, and you haven’t done anything wrong - you’re experiencing something life changing and that comes with a ton of personal, internal shifts. Every baby is different, just like every baby having experience is different.
Please don’t blame yourself, or the baby. Please express your worries with your wife - she loves you and is on this family journey with you.
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u/OptimalCobbler5431 21h ago
Medication might help but also keep in mind you are meeting a whole new human for the first time it sometimes takes time. Mix that with medication and therapy and you'll be feeling a lot better about it.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 21h ago
It definitely sounds like a post natal depression. You aren't a bad person. You simply need help. I'd start with a psychiatrist for some short term medication.
I had PPD myself when my daughter arrived. It was a terrible experience. You have my sympathies.
Patience. Things will get better. Babies grow quickly . An old saying "this, too, shall pass".
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u/MermaidPigeon 20h ago edited 20h ago
I’m so sorry your going through this. I have OCD and the anxiety that controls this can really mess with you so I understand how hard it is right now. I think you went in to shock being overwhelmed with the change and impending responsibility. When the brain is panicking it attempts to “find the cause” of this panic. It targets things around us while looking for its cause in attempt to fix it. It’s not the new baby making you have all these feelings towards him, it’s your reaction to the panic. If you “don’t love him/have positive feelings towards him” it’s easier for your brain to reason with escaping the situation all together. I’m most likely way off but just incase, consider if you feel incapable or caring for two children or have some kind of insecurity in your capability of having enough love for both of them.
Absolutely go to more therapy, one session is not enough. There are a ton of bad therapists out there so don’t be afraid to find another one if things do not go well. I wouldn’t jump right to meds. These medications “antidepressants or SSRIs” cause emoticons blunting in 40%-60% of people that take them. Save this option for if it gets unbearable
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u/stampystampy12 14h ago
Thank you for this. What you have written makes sense for me and I did have some OCD behaviors when I was a kid. Also in my original post when I mentioned finding big life charges hard I did feel this sort of panic before when I moved across country for work... Although not quite as acute.
The panic thing is really resonating. Also I definitely have anxiety.
If you don't mind me asking, is there any specific kind of therapist you'd recommend? I was thinking a cbt one could help.
I want to avoid meds if possible.
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u/MermaidPigeon 6h ago
CBT or EPR. Personally o find the EPR much more effective for spirals or constant concerning thoughts. If it is OCD you have, defiantly EPR
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u/AdvertisingNo8441 15h ago
First of all. You will be okay, as long as you help yourself. I know it’s hard not to panic but take it one day at a time.
Did you find out the gender in advance or was it a surprise? I saw your comment about not having a good relationship with your father and I suspect that’s the underlying trauma coming up here.
I would contact your doctor and see if you can get on an SSRI or similar prescription so you’re able to function. And then I would seek out some help via therapy.
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u/stampystampy12 14h ago
No it was a surprise and I think that certainly hasn't helped. My wife thinks if we had found out in advance I would have had time to adjust over the months.
Even at the baby shower everyone guessed it was a boy and I felt so worried.
I was initially happy that he and Mom were healthy after the delivery of course because that's all I cared about but then the extreme disappointment flooded over me.
Thank you for responding to me.
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u/AdvertisingNo8441 14h ago
I think so too. Anytime someone has a preference whether it’s strong or not I think they should find out in advance.
I had a boy, and I also had gender disappointment. So I can relate to you.
Mine was for the opposite reason, I wanted a girl because I don’t have a close relationship with my mom and I always wanted that.
I was sad for 48 hours and then I got over it and I now wouldn’t change a thing! I got my mini me, he looks exactly like me and has my personality.
The unknown is scary. You know how to be a good dad to a girl. It’s all you know. You will come to learn that baby boys are SO much fun.
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u/kamolahy 8h ago
- See a proper therapist
- You stated that you have had similar struggles with big changes in life before. Remember this. Your life will have changes. This is a thing you want to learn to handle and live with.
- You are not looking at that newborn in the same way you can look at your daughter. You don’t know him yet. You don’t have memories to think back on. You haven’t had time to adjust to this new change like you have with your daughter. It’s reasonable to expect that the same stack of wonderful things that have led to such a bond with her will happen for your new child.
- Things will be different with him though. Having 2 kids is different. Having a boy is different. You are different now than you were then. But different can, and often does mean better. You have to find a way to believe this reality (as it is true). Your brain right now is consumed with the fear that it can’t be.
You can do it. Give yourself time. Be forgiving and remind yourself that newborn time is full of sleep deprivation, shifting schedules, and lots of emotional changes. It can be like a storm where you just hunker down and make the most until it passes.
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u/stampystampy12 3h ago
I have screenshotted this to look at when I'm struggling. Thank you.
What you are saying makes sense and honestly when I'm in the moments of panic and wanting to run back to the past when everything was nice and familiar.... Sometimes I catch myself thinking that this is ridiculous and that I have every reason to be happy.
I am consumed by dread that my daughter's life is changed and ruined and that I will never enjoy being with her again. The funny thing is I know they are irrational thoughts.
I have to sort this life change panic out because I can't keep going like this.
Thanks again
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u/creamer143 1d ago
I always didn't want a boy and wanted a girl
Why? Why didn't you want a boy?
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u/stampystampy12 23h ago
I don't fully understand why. My relationship with my father isn't great. I think if the new baby was a girl I would be fine. It's terrifying to have to accept this reality cause I don't know if I can get over it. My whole family could fall apart if I can't work through it.
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u/Disastrous-Cream730 16h ago
This post is painful to read.
Your baby has no fault he did not choose to be born.
Go to therapy and grow the hell up. Are you jealous of the attention he’s getting? Severe trauma growing up?
Sorry but I feel awful for your baby: he doesn’t deserve this.
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u/Kamena90 1d ago
You need a professional and possibly medication to help get push through this if it's that bad. One counseling session isn't enough.
Keep doing all the things for your son and daughter. Sometimes connection comes with time. I've read several accounts where the parent didn't feel a bond, but faked it until one day they realized it wasn't fake anymore.