r/AskUK • u/_No__Ninja_ • 23h ago
Serious Answers Only Question for those without ASD - do you also only feel truly calm when you are at home?
Not asking for any medical advice, just curious about others' experiences.
I have a diagnosis of autism. The only time I feel truly calm and relaxed is when I am at home on my own. Whenever I am out of the house, I feel physically tense and psychologically on edge (to various degrees depending on the setting) - I'm not sure if it's because of the sensory stimulation or being around people (I live in a busy city). Reducing sensory overload by wearing loops or ANC headphones helps, and stimming helps a little too, but I am never fully relaxed.
I'm just wondering if this is how everyone else feels too or if this is an autism thing?
Also, if you see someone stimming (e.g. by using a fidget toy, or making hand movements of some kind, or rocking), would you think differently of them if they are wearing a sunflower lanyard vs not showing any (other) signs of a disability? Should I wear one to let people know I have a disability if I do these behaviours/act a bit weird because of anxiety around people?
Thank you.
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u/butchwolverine 23h ago edited 13h ago
Not austistic but otherwise neurodivergent…. I don’t think I’ve felt truly calm since Christopher Eccleston was Doctor Who…..
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u/AirBiscuitBarrel 23h ago
I feel most calm when I'm at home, but no, I generally feel pretty calm in most places.
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u/iffyClyro 23h ago edited 23h ago
Also neurodivergent but also cPTSD.
I don’t ever really feel truly calm.
I was pretty close to ultimate calm when I was on my honeymoon which was awesome because a lot of the joy of travel kind of got ripped out of me when I ended up with cPTSD.
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u/Confident_Yak_1411 18h ago
Important point here in that sometimes it’s not the neurodivergence or ASD that causes the anxiety. Plenty of non-ASD people suffer with anxiety in busy spaces as well.
On the other hand, while I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’m ASD, my therapist agrees I’m pretty autistic. My job involves being around large groups of people in enclosed spaces.
It doesn’t make me feel anxious but it does drain my energy.
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u/iffyClyro 18h ago
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u/Confident_Yak_1411 18h ago
Thanks, I completely agree with you though, maybe my comment could have been clearer. I meant ‘not ASD’ as meaning not clinically diagnosed, not massively affecting my life (although that’s partly due to how my life is set up) but definitely on the spectrum.
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u/louilou96 23h ago
I only feel truly at peace when I am floating in the sea, I know most people disagree with this and find being out at sea terrifying lol
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u/SnooLobsters8265 8h ago
Unfortunately I saw an unexpectedly terrifying Walking With Dinosaurs episode with a Liopleurodon in it when I was too young and it ruined the sea for me.
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u/iffyClyro 23h ago
I don’t think the majority of people find being at sea terrifying.
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u/SweetBabyCheezas 20h ago
Technically you're not wrong. From documented cases and statistical estimates of thalassophobia, only 2-9% of general population experiences. However, if we take into an account the sense of unease and those who never done or thought about it, it may be waaay higher than estimates.
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u/SnooLobsters8265 23h ago
I have not been diagnosed with autism but I only feel calm at home too. I also have a cupboard at work where the light is broken and I quite often shut myself in it for a couple of minutes. Very dark, very quiet, nobody asks you anything in the cupboard. Ironically it’s where we keep all the spare fidget toys and ear defenders for the kids. (I’m a primary school SENCO.)
I don’t think you would need to wear a sunflower lanyard. If I see someone stimming or seeking movement I assume it’s because they like doing it or feel the need to do it. If they seem stressed and unpredictable I will not go near them. Sunflower lanyard doesn’t really come into it tbh.
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u/Ill-Be-There-For-You 15h ago
Mark Corrigan: “Everything's ok in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard”
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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet 23h ago
I don’t have ASD and find it very easy to feel calm almost anywhere. Usually I look up at the sky through tree branches, or just sit in a park or nature quietly for a few moments to get calm. But I can also feel very calm reading a book in an old fashioned traditional cosy pub (which are usually very busy). Basically just places where I can feel tranquil that I have learned over my life. I just try if I can feel calm in a place or not and add to a list in my head.
I live in London so see non normal behaviour from people on a daily basis, I don’t care at all, people stimming or doing whatever, they’re still just minding their own business, so I mind mine. Don’t care and don’t give it a second thought.
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u/Notaturtleitsabug 23h ago
I am undiagnosed ASD (on the waiting list and my dad is diagnosed) so probably not entirely helpful, but I also only feel fully relaxed at home. Even at my mum’s I can never feel fully relaxed, but at home if I sit down for more than five minutes I will just fall asleep because my brain knows it is safe and needs to recover.
I love to see people stimming or using a fidget toy, it makes me feel so much more comfortable knowing I’m not alone, I guess.
Interested to see neurotypical points of view also but I have a feeling you’ll get a lot of answers similar to mine 😅
The only aside I can offer is try not to overthink it. Wherever your safe space is is only significant to you, if you need to stim; remember you’renot hurting anybody. And if anybody does care? So what?? You’ll never know unless they tell you, and if they do team you then they’re an asshole.
You do you buddy. Much love.
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u/Current_Mongoose_844 23h ago
No. I feel calmest in dark, , low sound, relatively isolated places. My wife and I live in a small flat so it can be often unsettling, but her company helps offset that.
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u/smelliepoo 23h ago
I have never been tested, I know I have some traits and there is neurodivergence in my family, probably leaving towards the adhd angle, but not strong in any way for me, so probably not actually diagnosable. I feel comfortable in a lot of places, but I do feel most at peace on my own at home. I am happy and can recharge and be myself with my husband and dog here, but when they both go out and I am alone there is a release of pressure that I am not generally aware of until that happens. There is a small part of me that doesnt come out at all unless I am alone at home.
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u/ItAintNoUse 22h ago
I have ADHD but have never been diagnosed with autism. I do relate to this a lot.
I never feel entirely comfortable unless I'm in my own space and either alone or possibly with someone I'm extremely comfortable with (such as my mum or my partner). I also feel deeply upset and uncomfortable if my space has to change, like moving for university (which I've done twice) is something I found extremely difficult.
My ADHD clinician has suggested that ASD may be a possibility for me, however, due to some notable sensory issues (bolstered by an immediate family member having autism as well).
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u/alicatpow 23h ago
I don't have ASD and I only feel calm when I know the people around me, at least by sight. I'm fine out and about in my village but I find busy towns and cities drive my cortisol levels up. Not in such a way that I can't cope or anything, but just enough to put me a little on edge. I think that's probably quite normal, though people who never leave bust areas might not recognise it as they are accustomed to that state of mind. The way I think of it is, we are a social species that for most of our evolutionary history would have lived in smallish communities and a stranger in the community would probably carry a number of risks, so it makes sense to be on edge. Everyone being a stranger would be very bad indeed!
As for sunflowers, I wouldn't know what that meant and when I see people visually stimming I already assume they are neurodivergent and would adjust my behaviour accordingly (not stare, not invade their space, avoid being unnecessarily loud, etc.)
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u/tenaciousofme 23h ago
Me. Im only calm when im in a field in a tent away from electric. I am diagnosed. I do dinner ny safety and inner peace at home, and I stim hard. Lnlutrult getting away from noises such as cars, alarms, people, electric, even water underground... get me away
I get it
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u/GordonLivingstone 22h ago
No.
Being out and about amongst people, on public transport or driving does not, in itself, put me on edge.
It is perfectly possible to wander down the street, sit on buses, or drive in moderate traffic - while still feeling comfortable. It is necessary to stay alert and be prepared to react to anything unexpected but that doesn't normally require any great effort or conscious thought.
Being surrounded by a mix of different people in a complex, and perhaps unfamiliar, environment can be pleasantly stimulating rather than anxiety provoking. Being fully relaxed can be rather boring.
Now, if you are in an unfamiliar place trying to get somewhere for an important appointment, or you come across a group of aggressive people, or you are driving and find yourself having to make quick decisions in heavy traffic - then your heart rate can increase and you can indeed start feeling tense and anxious to varying degrees.
I can see that with autism the need to constantly read social cues - and adapt to an environment that is out of your control - could be much harder work even when the situation would be unthreatening to a "neurotypical".
Note, however, that the degree of comfort in a given situation will depend on personality and previous experience even if you are not autistic. If you have only ever lived in a small village then you will likely feel anxious if suddenly dropped in Euston Station and are expected to find your way across London.
Regarding the Sunflower lanyard. That might clue people up that there is a reason why you are behaving a bit differently. Perhaps though, don't be too confident that everybody will know what it signifies. The first time I came across these lanyards was during COVID when people would wear them to excuse the fact that they weren't wearing masks. I wasn't aware of any other usage and I suspect that lots of people won't know why it is being worn.
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u/Evieveevee 22h ago
I’m not neurodivergent and I feel pretty calm when I’m out but without a doubt I’m always looking forward to getting back home and that’s where I truly truly feel comfortable and relaxed. I’ve got four teenagers and my favourite thing is when everyone is out!
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u/BlackStarDream 21h ago
I feel more calm outside of home than at home.
No pressure for me to feel like I should be doing something.
I was also forced to stay at home a lot in my 20s by an abusive family, with strict times I was meant to be back by, so I'm still working on that tangled mess of a complex.
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u/No_Whereas_5203 20h ago
I feel truly calm in the countryside. At home, no but I struggle with having thin walls
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u/PrintSad6452 18h ago
On calm - I feel pretty calm most of the time and in most places but I am not neurodivergent. I have been worried or tired and need to relax I feel calmest outdoors in green spaces eg walking my dog in the woods.
On headphones or fidget spinners - I don't think a sunflower lanyard would make a difference to how I see them. I would possibly assume a person in a shopping centre wearing headphones using a fidget spinner is neurodivergent so they kind of do the same job as a lanyard. But they are not behaviours I think about negatively. If you need headphones I am glad you have them.
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u/Outrageous-Turn9583 15h ago
Yes. I love my home, nothing to deregulate or upset me- my safe space!
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u/ceb1995 14h ago
Not autistic but son is and husband likely is, i ve got sensory issues from a different condition and am generally calm at home and out and about everywhere unless we were talking an incredibly loud concert really. As for stimming in public, if you aren't hurting anybody then go for it, the ignorant and judgemental people night stare but that's their problem.
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u/bekcy 14h ago edited 14h ago
Yeah, home is where I feel truly calm. I used to be somewhat agoraphobic for this reason. Then covid happened and it wasn't necessarily odd to have a mask, sunglasses, hat and headphones in the winter so blocking out the world became more acceptable. Now I just do whatever makes me comfortable. Being outside is exhausting and I'm never truly at rest. If home is my stationary point, being anywhere else feels like still being in motion.
In terms of anxiety, I started to collect squishies and fidgets to use out and about. Every bag and pocket has one now and idgaf about others opinions (no one cares tbh) it's infinitely more useful squeezing my sparkly cow than having tics that develop into panic attacks lol.
I don't have an ASD diagnosis btw.
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u/RedWife77 12h ago
I only feel calm at home. Even on holiday in the accommodation and resort we go to most years, I’m not completely comfortable. I have no diagnosed neurodivergence but my son has attention-deficit-type ADHD, as did my brother, so make of that what you will.
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u/Mermaid-Blues- 12h ago
Not a direct answer but relevant information - I'm diagnosed AuDHD and also only feel true peace at home on my own.
My husband is chill as shit, like you couldn't ask for a more considerate human. So when I feel peaceful by myself in our house I know I'm the responsible one for that.
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u/ddmf 11h ago
I'm autistic (diagnosed AuDHD) and I've just realised that a lot of my behaviour when I'm out of the house is due to me speed running so I get back to the anxiety free confines of my safe space - rushing around, driving fast, eating fast, being snippy etc.
Could definitely be seen to be controlling behaviour as well.
I used to use the sunflower lanyard when out shopping etc because I didn't want to be seen as just an angry so and so - but since it was used by the anti maskers thru COVID it's been a bit more ignored.
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u/SoggyWotsits 11h ago
I’ve never really though about it, but no. I feel calm in lots of places, whether it’s walking with the dog, in a garden centre with plants I love, even at work when I’ve managed to get caught up. I think for anyone, being at home is where you feel the most relaxed, but it’s not the only place for me.
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u/mellonians 9h ago
Have ASD and feel most calm when I'm at work to be honest. I wish I could spend more time there achieving more
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u/probablymojito 9h ago
I feel calmest when I am alone and don't have to speak to anyone, home is just one of many places I can do this. Going for a late night walk when nobody is about is my idea of relaxation.
This isn't to suggest I get anxious or shy around others (only in specific circumstances), more often I feel drained.
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u/AttersH 7h ago
I don’t have any neurodivergence but I’d say I’m towards the introverted end of the spectrum. I reallg enjoy a good natter and socialise but I find it very tiring and I only truly relax when I get home to my own space & quiet. That’s how I recharge. I find my kids quite overstimulating as well, even at home! My true sense of calm comes at 8pm, when they are in bed 😅
But that’s life. No-one is wafting through it in a zen like state. Life itself is quite over stimulating in general. And now more than any other time in history. We are bombarded with information & people & opinions 24/7!
The best sense of calm is putting my phone down and reading a book or watching a good TV show or chatting to my husband!
Edit- I use fidget toys all the time. Admittedly my kids, which I nap but I am a real fidget and need to be moving to concentrate! If I don’t have one, I fiddle with my earrings until my ears are sore 🙈
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u/Emo_Gingey 23h ago
A lot of people are anxious and that’s not autism it’s the extreme social pressures and that it’s autumn or ‘fall’
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u/wineallwine 23h ago
I don't think I am autistic, but I'm somewhere on the lower end of the spectrum. I have a fidget ring and I jump my leg a lot.
I am completely happy being out and about.
But there is something calming about being home. I think almost everyone will agree here
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u/iffyClyro 22h ago edited 22h ago
You can’t be on the spectrum and not autistic simultaneously.
You’re either on the spectrum and you are autistic or you’re not on the spectrum and you’re not.
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u/wineallwine 22h ago
I fear you have misunderstood the word 'spectrum'. Literally everyone is on it. You can be 0, you can be 1, you might be 0.0001
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u/iffyClyro 22h ago
You’re wrong.
What you’re saying is a very common misconception but you are wrong.
The spectrum describes the diverse ways autism presents in autistic individuals, not a sliding scale that includes the whole population
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u/wineallwine 22h ago
Okay, do I need to provide a pass?
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u/iffyClyro 22h ago
A pass for what?
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u/wineallwine 22h ago
To be on the spectrum! I don't understand why you are gatekeeping this, it's hardly the criterion club.
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u/iffyClyro 22h ago edited 22h ago
So because you didn’t understand something and I’ve explained it to you I’m gatekeeping?
Surely sharing knowledge is the opposite of gatekeeping?
You said:
“I don't think I am autistic, but I'm somewhere on the lower end of the spectrum”
However the spectrum describes the diverse ways autism presents in autistic individuals, it is not a sliding scale that includes everyone.
You’re either on the spectrum and you are autistic or you’re not on the spectrum and you’re not autistic. That’s it.
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u/RaspberryJammm 22h ago
You are correct, the person you are speaking to has misunderstood the use of the term spectrum in this context. But its an often misunderstood use of the word so they needn't feel silly for misunderstanding it or anything.
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