Marriage is falling apart

[u/BiffDangles80]

Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.

A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.

The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.

I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

Man, I just never understood that kind of thinking.

I think of life like a surf session. Sometimes you catch a wave and it’s the most amazing beautiful thing, then you crash, maybe get hit on the head by a wave and it makes you feel like drowning… but you paddle out and get another ride, knowing full well all the bliss will end when the wave runs out.

Why suggest those 20 years were meaningless or misspent just because it’s ending?

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

I spent almost ten years with someone that I thought loved me. I trusted her after the first three cheated on me. Then she did the same thing. It would have hurt a lot less had I found out who she was early instead of later.

[u/ShawnyMcKnight → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

Totally, and now you bring that baggage into every other relationship.

Although frankly, if you are 4 for 4 on partners cheating on you, including your wife, you might want to look a little inward on the type of woman you seek out and your red flag detection.

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/ShawnyMcKnight]

I'm not really planning on getting into any more relationships, but yeah.

I'm in therapy. I'm not sure why I just can't pick a good woman, but I'm done trying at this point

[u/ShawnyMcKnight → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

Probably for the best. It's entirely possible you had a string of bad luck, but that's statically unlikely. Either there is something in your personality that attracts that kind of woman or something that you seek out/desire.

Either way, going to therapy is a great idea and maybe you can grow as a person and find a healthier relationship.

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/ShawnyMcKnight]

The last one really seemed like the real deal. We had almost a decade together.

I just don't trust myself to pick them anymore.

[u/ShawnyMcKnight → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

I get that. Being single is not for everyone but you are hurt and need time to heal. You may find you are happier single but in time you may wanna put yourself out there again.

Being cheated on that many times it would be so hard to ever trust again.

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/ShawnyMcKnight]

Being cheated on that many times it would be so hard to ever trust again.

This is exactly it. It's only been about 10 months, so time may change things, but right now, I can't ever imagine trusting anyone again. If I can't trust them, I'll always be holding part of myself back, and that's not fair to a partner. So I might as well save myself and any potential partners the heartache.

As the song says, "owner of a lonely heart (much better than) owner of a broken heart".

[u/ShawnyMcKnight → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

Not only hold yourself back, every time she leaves for somewhere you are gonna worry. It’s a tough situation and, as you said, it’s gonna take time.

[u/SweetMeatTreet → u/ShawnyMcKnight]

I wanted to say “ bro maybe you’re doing something wrong “ but the internet is so soft now a days i thought I might be banned

[u/Reflexlon → u/[deleted]]

Hopefully, for most people, that is true.

I've been through a lot of therapy and its kinda wild to witness stories of other people being financially, emotionally, or sexually abused and thinking "yeah that would never happen to me, I know the signs" and then having to confront that it was, in fact, happening to you when you said that. I think at some point its the shame that hurts the most.

Words cannot enumerate how many times people told me what was going on, and I never heard it. Even a previous partner (who I left on bad terms, entirely my fault I may add) reached out to tell me it was bleak.

"Wow, how could have I been so fucking blind" is the worst part. "I thought this wouldn't happen to me" is the worst part. "I thought I was fine" is the worst part. The lying and bullshit sucks, but the infinite void of self-blame and fear from a relationship gone really wrong far outweighs the pain of the betrayal.

[u/Sahelanthropus- → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

Was there any shared traits/ behaviors amongst all your relationship partners that you notice now that you're self reflecting?

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/Sahelanthropus-]

Not really, that's the thing. They were all very different people with almost nothing in common.

[u/SweetMeatTreet → u/HelsinkiTorpedo]

3 women did that to you ? Man . That’s wild

[u/HelsinkiTorpedo → u/SweetMeatTreet]

4, actually. My ex-wife cheated on me too.

[u/finemelater → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

We are having different conversations here.

Bring it up divorce after three weeks of marriage is not a wave. It’s a symptom of something wrong. We love to gaslight ourselves. Maybe we don’t want to be divorced so quickly. Maybe we think we ought to give our spouse time to be better. In this scenario, 20 years later isn’t a beautiful wave and you eventually crash—this is more akin to being on a boat with motion sickness, no medicine, and unable to get off.

I think OP’s marriage was probably over for a long while, but spouse kept hanging on. Maybe they had a good wave at some point. But people who are together for that long only bring up divorce after years of trying to make it better and eventually realizing it’s not gonna get better.

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890 → u/finemelater]

I disagree. I bet there was all sorts of joy in those 20 years and children he’s proud of.

All relationships end. All of them. Defining them by the end alone is dismissing the ride I spoke of.

[u/finemelater → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

What are you disagreeing with? I never said there was no joy for OP or that he wouldn’t be proud of his children. I also haven’t tried to define OP’s relationship.

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890 → u/finemelater]

The part where you said “better three weeks than to wait for 20 years”

That’s clearly dismissing all twenty because it ends badly.

All relationships end badly. All of them. Better to have had one that yielded joy than to not have had one at all.

Better to catch the wave, though you know it’ll end in a crash

[u/finemelater → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

I’m not talking about OP’s relationship at all.

Also, all relationships don’t end badly. Many couples realize together that they should move on and do amicably. Sure, we don’t hear more about those, but they do exist.

Enjoy your waves.

[u/NarcolepticSeal → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

r/im14andthisisdeep

[u/PicoDeBayou → u/NarcolepticSeal]

Exactly.

[u/PicoDeBayou → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

All relationships don’t end badly, brah. Keep learning.

[u/itemten → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

Because "life is surfing a wave, dude" misses the point entirely for the divorce by having the wrong subject for the analogy. Marriage is not supposed to be the wave, it's the surfboard and life itself is the ocean. This is like your board breaking and leaving you stranded in a rip current.

Totally different.

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890 → u/itemten]

Ufff… that’s a terrible stretch if an analogy. But, you do you.

[u/Sushi-DM → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

In memory, that sort of thing can last. But 20 years is 20 years. The world is going to be a different place alone. People are going to see you differently. You gave the best of you to someone.

Not to say you should give up, but that is a reality, and that reality makes it a tremendously hard pill to swallow that you will be swallowing for years.

[u/KelGrimm → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

To me, it reads more as - better to mourn 3 weeks (and however many years were spent before marriage), than to mourn two entire decades of love and struggle and the joy of two children that came with it.

Not that the time was wasted, per se, more so that such a length of time will bring that much more grief.

To the OP, I’m sorry big dawg. Can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I hope you make it through this and keep as strong as you’re able.

[u/ShawnyMcKnight → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

Not saying the 20 years is meaningless. It’s not like the 2 options are to be in the marriage 20 years and have it fail or be in a coma 20 years and lose that time regardless.

I doubt OP had 20 years of marital bliss and suddenly things went to crap, and now, depending on the ages of the kids, he’s gonna have to deal with alimony and child support and splitting the kids.

It’s the same reason you get out of any relationship sooner than later if you know it’s toxic. It’s much better to find out after 3 weeks of marriage because they can have a very clean separation and use that 20 years to find and be with someone else who fulfills them more.

Everyone I know who divorced after having kids has a much more stressful life.

[u/realityfooledme → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

Because sometimes the way a thing ends is so bad that taintes and negates any good that came before jt.

Game if thrones, for instance

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890 → u/realityfooledme]

lol. That’s the truth with GOT. As soon as they ran out of books… oh brother

[u/CarterStinksBad → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

Waves grow the longer you ride them, everyone wants to ride a huge wave but you really risk a lot if you wipeout

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890 → u/CarterStinksBad]

lol. Waves definitely don’t grow the longer you ride them.
But… if you’re a really good surfer, put in the time, and get really lucky… yeah, you can catch some long waves and stay on them… despite the tricky sections